The moment we share is like the ones they show in the movies. The light is perfect; the moon is shining. The sky is big, and the street is deserted. The space we occupy is grand, and yet we are all alone – the privacy we share is deafening.

“This all came out wrong,” Gatsby says, holding me.

We’re breathing the same air, and I want to stay here forever.

“What I meant to say was that I think you’re different. No, I know you are. I feel different about you than I did about those girls. I knew that right off the bat. Right, when we met. I’ve never met any girl out there all alone. I didn’t know girls did that. And I’m sorry that I had to leave like that, but I did have an emergency at work. A fuckin’ helicopter came to pick me up from the clearing after you left. But because I lied to you about who I was, I couldn’t very well tell you the truth. At least, not right there.”

I stare up at him. No one has ever talked to me like this. The truth spills out of him as if it’s beyond his control. I like it.

“And so when I got home, I couldn’t put you out of my mind. I had to see you again. So I had someone look you up.”

The words ‘look me up’ send shivers up my back, but they are good shivers. I’m not afraid, just energized. He cared enough to investigate me. I didn’t know someone could ever find me so curious.

“What did he find out?” I ask.

“That you were looking for work. That you have been out of work for sometime. That you owe a lot of money. I wanted to help. So I got you a job at Wild International.”

I smile, and Gatsby exhales deeply. He has been holding his breath waiting to see what I will say. I like the power that I seem to have over him. It’s exciting! And then, with one swift movement, he takes it away from me. He leans down and presses his lips to mine.

His tongue brushes the inside of my lips, and the warm sensations between my legs engulf my body again. My arms move up his face and bury themselves in his hair. His arms press the small of my back to him, and I can feel that familiar hardness through his pristine suit. I lose myself in him, and for a few precious moments, we are one. I push my body against his, and he holds me in his arms as if he has no intention of ever letting me go.

I feel like we are falling. I never want to get back on that ledge without him, and I never want to hit the ground. I want to stay in this falling world always.

But I involuntarily pull away. I don’t mean to, but there is a voice somewhere deep within me, the voice that I rarely listen to, that pushes me away from him.

“Annabelle,” he whispers my name. The longing in his voice is indescribable. No one has ever wanted me more than he does at this moment.

“I have to go, Tristan,” I whisper back.

I don’t mean to say his other name – the name that I fear I will always think of him as – and the pain of his lies flood in. I hate him for lying to me. I hate who he is right now.

Why did he have to be some rich CEO in a suit? Why couldn’t he just remain the beautiful rafting instructor who I met near Yosemite on that warm summer afternoon? Why did he have to take that person away from me?

Gatsby must’ve seen the pain on my face. The expression on his face changes as well. An unfamiliar kind of intensity comes back, and a darkness that emanates from him engulfs both of us.

“Annabelle, I’m sorry,” he says. His voice is confident and strong. He doesn’t whisper, and he looks me straight in the eyes. “Do you believe me?”

“I have to go,” I say turning away.

I do believe him. But that doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make everything okay.

How am I supposed to forgive him for making up the one person who made me feel as though he had understood everything about me without saying a word? It’s as if he made up my soul mate, my perfect guy, and then took him away. I hate him for that. Also, I wish more than anything that I can tell him this, but words are failing me.

“Please, you have to believe me. I am sorry. Really, really sorry. I didn’t know who I was going to meet out there. I didn’t know I was going to meet you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have lied. I was there to not be myself. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be someone else. Someone who was just a guy living under those magnificent pines and breathing in that wonderful clear air. For just a couple of days, I didn’t want to be CEO of Wild International. I didn’t want to make a million decisions and be responsible for thousands of people’s jobs. I just wanted to be a regular guy. Someone who I used to be. Someone who I always found in nature. You know what I mean?”

I don’t reply. But I know what he’s talking about. That’s why I went into the wild. I needed to find the person who I had lost. I needed to remind myself of the things that make life worth living in this world. The trees, the birds, the animals, the water, the sky, and the earth.

“Yes, I know that you know what I mean. I can see it in your eyes.”

I smile. I can’t help it. Again, I see the person, Tristan, who had caught my attention. The person who is endearing, disarming, honest, and yet full of lies.

“I’m sorry, Annabelle. Will you forgive me?” Gatsby stands before me in a three-piece suit, but those words make him naked and vulnerable. It is as if he has nothing, and he is asking for a lifeline. He is asking for everything. His crystal blue eyes don’t leave mine until I nod. Is it a lie? Perhaps.

“Yes,” I say. “I forgive you,” I add. The words come out before I can censor myself and a wave of relief sweeps over my body. I am speaking the truth. I just didn’t know it until I said it.

I go home and immediately jump into the shower. I need to clear my head, and I am too tired to go for a run. The rushing water will wash away all of my confusion. Standing in the shower and rubbing my face with a delicious-smelling sugar scrub, I wait for my heart and my mind to stop fighting with one another.

My head says to stay away, to find another job, to get away from him. But my heart says the complete opposite. Forgive, open yourself up to love, and you just might find it. But what is there even to open myself up to? We kissed and hugged, but we didn’t make plans.

“Annabelle! Annabelle!!”

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