CHAPTER SEVEN
Laurel
Okay, so I had a lot that I could cry about and be resentful of. A lot of things. For example, I lived in a crap apartment. I knew I did. And I wasn’t naïve enough to not know who my neighbors were. Or what was going on in the hallway right outside of my door at all hours of the day. I knew and I did my best to keep my head down because I figured that was the smartest move. I hadn’t had any problems so far and I desperately wanted it to stay that way.
I didn’t have a car anymore. That did stink. It made simple things like getting to and from work or going to the grocery store a pain in the butt. That said, it was one less thing for me to worry with. No car meant no gas. And right now, I was trying to cut every corner I could.
Work? Caught that did you?
Yes, I was a working girl now.
Oh, wait! No, not like that. I meant I had a job. Gwen, who I knew was Knight’s woman, was nice enough to get me a job at the coffee shop she worked at. I had a feeling she wouldn’t be working there long. In fact, I got the feeling that when she was done with college and got herself a real job, she would be gone. It wouldn’t be long, I imagined, seeing as the semester was almost over.
So I was a Barista or whatever. I took orders and had even learned how to use the fancy machine to make those orders.
I actually liked my job. I know, it wasn’t anything grand and impressive. But I did well enough. It didn’t bring me all that much money. It actually was barely enough to live on. That was why my cabinets were currently stocked with those cheap packages of Ramen noodles. The ones that were full of sodium and made me bloat like crazy. I never used all of the seasoning packages that came with them. And sometimes, I was way too lazy to even boil the water. So, I would eat the noodles all crunchy and plain.
That was another thing I could have complained about. But I just kept thinking how proud I was of myself that I was making it on my own.
I may have been the biggest joke in the upper circles of society but I no longer gave a crap.
I learned very quickly that if you didn’t have anything to offer, people would turn their backs on you. The fake ones, anyway.
Which, led me to the real people I had in my life.
Cami introduced me to Chris, who I loved to death. Between the two of them, I always felt loved and cared for. Even if I didn’t always show that I appreciated it.
There were many days that the dark cloud would hang over my head a little too long and I would sort of shut most everyone out. It would take me days to text them back or return their calls. I understood that it was not a very nice thing to do, but I couldn’t help it. The last thing I wanted to do was bring everyone down with me. So I figured it was best to just keep it all to myself. And sometimes, I just wasn’t strong enough to hide it away.
Also, I sometimes didn’t have enough money to buy more minutes for my phone. That was another thing. Now I didn’t have the latest smartphone on the market. I had one of those ones that you bought at the pharmacy and it came all covered in that thick plastic that was a pain to get into. There was no contract, just a number that I called to pay for a certain amount of minutes. Since money was tight, sometimes it would be a week or two before I could get more time.
I wasn’t one to ask for help, so I was just trying to do the best that I could.
Bryan became someone that I had come to expect in my life, though I never knew quite when to expect him. I would say that I saw him more nights than not. Whatever we had going on was ninety percent sex. Which, I wasn’t going to complain about.
A lot of times he would come bringing food of some type. It was almost sweet but I wouldn’t let myself fall into that trap. I knew what it was. We didn’t have a relationship and it wouldn’t ever be one. He wasn’t that kind of guy.
However, there were moments when he came ready for a fight and noticed that things weren’t quite right. He would turn into the sweetest person then. Sometimes going as far as scooping me up in his arms and cuddling on the couch while we watched a movie. I tried to not take his strong arms for granted. He gave more than he took. And maybe he didn’t see it that way, but I did. I didn’t even think he was aware of it.
There were times it made my heart hurt. To have a part of this guy, who was actually really great when he wasn’t being a butthole, but nothing more than that. To know that I would never have the whole Bryan or be able to call him mine. But what could I do except hang on to the little bit that I did have?
Which was why I kept my feelings locked up tight. I feared that one wrong word, one wrong look, would send him running. As long as he thought we were both on the same page, then he would have no reason to change things.
A few months later, I met Ingram. She was Ky’s sister and just the most adorable person I had ever met. She was seventeen, sheltered, and very pregnant. Cami and I often went along with her to her doctor’s appointments.
One time, she asked if I would help her shop for baby things because she didn’t have the first clue on what she needed to get. Of course, I offered to help her. But I sort of clammed up when Ky suggested that Bryan give us a ride.
That was the first time I slipped up and I was pretty sure that he had heard. Ky didn’t miss much and poor Ingram wasn’t used to the whole phone thing. Since she hadn’t covered the speaker, I just knew that Ky had heard everything. Yes, maybe I was being a little brat and asking for anyone but Bryan. But whatever, it wasn’t like I could take it back.
Luckily, Mouse was the one that went along. He surprised me by picking out cute little outfits and even went as far as pulling up some kind of checklist for new parents on his phone.
He was great with Ingram and made her laugh the whole time. It was just the thing she needed because it was clear that she was in over her head. It was obvious that no one had sat her down and told her what she needed and what was to come. And in a way, I could tell that she hadn’t thought much about it either. I think the fact that the clock was running out of time was what made her snap into reality and sent her into almost a panic with how ready she was not.
Then it happened.
A weird feeling as we strolled through the baby department looking at all the crib options. To see them all set up in the middle of the floor with cute, little blankets and pillows decorating them kind of made me pause.
I wasn’t old, but I sure wasn’t getting any younger.
I had never really thought about kids before. It always seemed like some distant thing but I had never made a sure decision on it. But standing there, seeing how happy Ingram was to bring her baby into the world, brought a sharp pain to my heart.
I shook it away quickly.
I could barely support myself let alone a child and I didn’t see my situation changing anytime soon. Besides, I kind of needed someone to do it with. I mean, I could get knocked up easily enough. But I was smart enough to not do that and besides, I wanted to have someone special to share it with. I wanted that partner in life. That one person to stand by my side and make me stronger just in doing so. That one person that I could come home to and let my hair down.
I was dreaming again.
I needed to stop.
So I did, moving all my focus to helping Ingram get things she needed. I also made sure to get her a bunch of stuff she wanted.
Bryan came over that night. And it was the first time that I truly iced him out. I couldn’t handle being around him. In a way, it hurt too much. There were so many things going through my head and I honestly couldn’t get a hold of my emotions long enough to even try to spend time with him.
If he noticed that I was really just down and off, he didn’t say anything. I was half grateful when he only nodded and turned to walk away.
Time trickled on.
Some crazy stuff happened and Ingram had her baby. Then she left. I wasn’t sure why, but I got the feeling that she needed more help than what her brother and Chris could give her. Chris was torn up over her leaving and he was doing his best to keep Ky from falling apart. Ingram and Chris had gotten really close. I think he saw her as a little sister and hated that he couldn’t help her like she needed.
Chris, Cami, and I hung out at least once a week. Well, most of the time. When I wasn't in a mini-funk, that was.
I really tried to focus on the fact that I didn’t have a whole lot to complain about. There were people out there that were much worse off than me. I thought I was doing pretty well considering I had pulled myself up and out mostly on my own.
“What’s all this?” I asked as Bryan walked into my apartment one night carrying a few bags in his hands.
He shrugged as he set them down on my bed.
“Gwen was getting rid of some stuff. She said a lot of it she hadn’t even worn before. I figured maybe you would want them.”
I peeked in the bags then looked at him pointedly.
I knew Gwen.
These were not her style of clothes.
For the first time ever, I saw him look away from me with that odd look on his face. It was as if he was trying to hide that he was guilty of something.
I could have said something and called his bluff. It would have almost been too easy.
But he brought me clothes. Clothes that I was pretty sure he had gone out and bought himself.
I softened a little more towards him and I hated myself for it.
I didn’t want him to be sweet. I didn’t want him to be that guy that took notice of things. Like how all my clothes had started to look dull and threadbare. I didn’t need him to be this knight in shining armor, swooping in to save the day.
Not because I was too prideful, but because it made me fall harder for him. Something I couldn’t afford to do.
I held back the tears and kissed him. Then I used my body to say thank you. Maybe it made me a bit of a bought tramp, but I tried not to think of it that way.
“Who am I tonight?” I asked because it was this strange game that we played and I needed to hear that I was still a queen in his eyes.
“Catherine the Great.”
“And who are you?”
“Sergei Saltykov.”
His answers were never forced or hesitant. Which made me think there was more to the man than he let on to.
I wasn’t sure how it all started but it shocked me the first time he called me a name.
I had been Catherine Howard.
And he had been Thomas Culpeper.
I didn’t realize until later the deeper meaning behind it all. I was always the queen and he was always someone that had been an affair. Never the king. It drove me crazy trying to figure out what it all meant. Was he referring to how this whole thing started? I saw it that way. Though it hadn’t been a full-blown affair, it had started with a kiss while I was engaged to another man.
If I wanted to look deeper, and sometimes I did, I could have said that maybe he saw me as a higher level than him. But I didn’t think that was it. Or that he might never be enough for me. Or, and this was the one that got me every time, that he never saw us as being a real thing. Something that we could take into the light one day. That this was all supposed to be kept a dirty, dark secret.
I was always his queen.
And he treated me so.
Even if I always saw him as the stronger one out of the two of us. More commanding. His head was definitely strong enough to hold the crown.
“I need you,” I found myself whining out as he worked his tongue around my swollen clit.
I don’t know why he loved to go down on me, but he did. And I would have said that maybe he was a decent enough man to understand that you had to give in order to receive, but that wasn’t it because he hardly ever asked asked me to.
That wasn’t to say that I was selfish. I mean, I liked going down on him too. To see how much it turned him on. Knowing that I was the one he was watching. Seeing how hot it made him. The way his eyes wouldn’t leave mine the entire time.
There were many things that I did with Bryan that I never thought I would ever do. Things I never thought I could be comfortable with. I wasn’t talking about weird or kinky. Just the normal things. But sex had never been sexy before. I had never felt sexy before. It was like he came into my life and all my apprehensions and inhibitions fell away. I wasn’t shy or embarrassed around him. I had no need to be. And though he wasn’t one to really use his words to tell me, his eyes and his body always did. It screamed at me with desire and need and lust. Which, in a way, was better because it wasn’t just meaningless words and empty praises. It was real and true and something he couldn’t hide.
“You’ve got me, baby,” he said as he settled himself between my legs. “I’m all yours.”
And I felt like he was.
At least right now.
I didn’t want to think about what later would bring. All the things that would come with the rising sun. I never did. Some would have said it was unhealthy and I supposed it was. I just focused on what worked. This was it. This was us. Two souls coming together where no one else could see. When no one else was around.
He slid into me slowly, seeming to understand what I needed tonight. He always did. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to hate him right now. I wanted his soft touch. I wanted to get as close to love as I could with him.
When our bodies were so worn out and drained that we possibly couldn’t come again, we passed out clinging to each other.