Eleven: Madeline
Every day I walked into the office after that brought on so many feelings.
I was doing okay, and it had been a few days since. I had real tasks when I came into the office and I always got them done on time, if not early. Logan and Jake were very accommodating and professional during the work day.
But it had been a few days since we really did anything. I was in a lot of meetings with them, to observe their business skills but I was really observing them and it was hard because I felt my heart constricting.
When I look at Logan I see someone smart, and brooding. He has things he keeps to himself and the only one he really trusts is Jake. Their bond is something special and it is nothing short of unbreakable. Logan worships my body. He kisses me softly and traces my skin like he wants to memorize me. I can only imagine how many women he has had before and I don’t know if he is the same way with them all. But that is how he is with me and I like it.
Then Jake. He is the life of the office. Outgoing, but calculated at the same time. He has a fighter’s mind, I can tell. And there is something about his childhood that must have made him how he was, I want to know what it was. I want to know everything about them both. Jake is rough with me but he does it in such a tasteful way. He kisses me hard and begs entry to my mouth and then I am prisoner to him. It is unlike anything I have ever felt to be trapped beneath him, held by him from behind. He knows how to work my body until I can’t take it anymore, then just a little bit more.
What is more is that I don’t want them separately. I mean, I can’t imagine only having sex with one of them. It isn’t that I don’t want to choose or something like that. It’s just that I want them both, together, always.
That is so dangerous.
I finished the short class day, done by two on Fridays. And I didn’t have work. I always meet Sarai for lunch, and I had a while before work. We went to a café by the campus that we always go to. Some hip, organic food place. But I never get anything healthy.
“Hey, you.” We hugged and found a good seat.
“How is it going? How is work?” I asked her.
We ordered iced green teas and waited for our food.
“Okay, I think I am getting a promotion soon. But who knows? What about you?” She leaned forward with all meanings intended.
“Um, nothing much. They are putting things together for my startup. It’s exciting.” I smiled.
She looked worried for a second and then brushed it off. I wanted to pry but I think I was just in too good of a mood. Work is going well, school is almost up, and none of my classes really have finals. And of course, the two men I am constantly pressed up between.
“I know, I’m so happy for you.” She touched my hand gently.
Our food came and I ate my sandwich and fries greedily. Sarai was still quietly brooding. I sighed as we neared the end of our meal.
“What is it?” I asked her.
She looked at me with soft eyes. “Has Logan said anything to you about him being a professor here? What it could mean?”
I froze over. My heart fluttered a little bit as I swallowed softly. I stared back at her.
“No. I mean, we both know. Neither of us have said anything about it. But we’re never seen together on campus.” I answered. And it was true. We both knew that we had to be careful.
“It’s just that…when I was in class today I heard these girls talking about him. They said they had heard he was—um, seeing one of his students.”
The table became a saucer and the floor wobbly underneath like we were spinning out of control. This was my biggest fear. Did they know it was me? Who started the rumor? There was so much I didn’t know and so much that I still wanted to know. It would make me crazy trying to figure it all out right now.
I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself as I stared back at Sarai. She patiently waited and touched my arm gently.
“Madeline, are you okay?” She was laced with concern but I still couldn’t process.
If someone knows about it us it can get bad. I am just about to graduate, my name has to be flawless if I want to get anywhere. I can’t be labeled as…someone who sleeps with their professor. I mean, I have never taken a class from him and he isn’t my professor, but he does work for the school and I am a student. It’s bad.
“I’m…I’m fine. Thanks for telling me. Do you know anything else?” I asked, hopeful she had heard at least something else.
“No. Just that they heard people talking about it around his office building.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I glanced at my watch. “I have to get going. And I have to talk to Logan about this.” She nodded.
“I’ll walk you out.” We paid the tab and then headed to my car.
“Are you calling him?” She asked me and I simply nodded.
I called him and it rang twice before it ended. I called him four times and didn’t get an answer, maybe it was obsessive but I was freaking out. I stood by my car as I left a voicemail saying it was urgent, and he needs to call me back. I sent a follow up text too.
“No answer?” Sarai asked.
I shook my head, my throat lumpy. I felt cold inside, like I was watching this all from a different view. Watching myself. How could I be so stupid anyway? I knew school was almost over and I had to stay focused so I could do well with the internship.
Should I have sold to them that first day? Then I wouldn’t be around them, and I would have money for a new startup or something to float me until I settled in with a company. Though I knew I always wanted to run my own business. Still, I was regretting getting involved and I felt so torn because I already have feelings for them.
I know their tells and they know mine. We…fit. Somehow, and I don’t want to let it go. I want to explore it. But not at the expense of Logan’s career and my reputation.
I went back home and buried myself in a book. I called his assistant and told her I fell ill and would be back Monday. I studied even though I knew the information from the inside out. It was nice to go back to my old days before two men paraded into my life and left me in cahoots.
Sarai came home and we had a nice girls night. We watched movies and ate alfredo pasta. I told her how I really felt about the two of them and it was nice to talk it out.
“You don’t feel like you like one more than the other?” She asked me.
I tugged my sweat shirt tighter.
“No. I guess it is a little weird. But when I think about them I get the same level of excited and I kind of never think about them alone, always together. Maybe I am crazy and they are the same person.” I laughed nervously.
I was annoyed and angry at Logan for not calling me back or answering my text. So technically, Jake was higher on the list but still, it affected them both. If a scandal ruined Logan, it would ruin them. So I had to talk to him. I wanted to give him a heads up incase these rumors were strong and could actually do something to him. I did not want to tell him over text because that would be…wrong, in some way.
But he didn’t answer, still.
“Wow. That must be a rush. I wonder what it’s like.”
“It’s insane. Right now it’s frustrating because I don’t know what I want to do. If I leave the internship, he’d only be involved with a student and not both his employee and student. If I break it off with them I don’t know how well I could focus on work. I just feel like I can’t really…have it all.”
“Aw,” she came over to me and hugged me on the couch, “you can. Just, give it two days. Men literally need a day to reread the message and then reply. He probably thinks you have some big news to tell him, like you love him or something.” She laughed, but it was too plausible to ignore.
I stiffened and she felt it. She moved back and tilted her head.
“Wait, you don’t…are you in love with them both?”
My heart was in my throat, and I couldn’t find words. But I knew what I wanted to say. I stared back at my friend. My dear friend who was the only thing keeping me together all this time.
“I don’t know. Maybe?”