I let myself grieve for a past I lost and a future I didn’t deserve.

I deserved that moment of mourning.

But I refused to wallow in misery for longer than an hour. Not when the baby needed to be fed, her diaper changed, and my life restarted.

People always said that when life closed a door, someone opened a window.

Well, fuck the window and door. It was time to take a sledge-hammer to the damn wall. I was taking what was mine. A beautiful happy life with a man who protected and watched over and cared for me and my baby.

Shepard had been right. And he’d love to hear me say it. The interview was a mistake, and the man claiming to be my fiancé a scam artist who only wanted money.

Well, tonight, Shepard would get a heartfelt apology.

No one was coming for me? Fantastic. That meant that I could chase after him.

I checked the time. Ten o’clock at night. Not the best moment to travel with a baby. At least I had a sense of adventure.

I packed Clue up in her stroller and stuffed a handful of onesies and dresses in her diaper bag. An extra package of diapers fit in the stroller’s basket. The greatest invention since the epidural was a mommy purse—a caddy that hooked to the stroller with pockets for everything from diaper cream to a caramel frappuccino. Diapers, wipes, extra binkies, blankets, an umbrella. I shoved it all in there.

“If Shepard won’t answer his phone…” I glanced over the living room, narrowing my eyes on her Pack N Play. Perfect. “We’ll go get him.”

The contraption seemed more mouse trap than baby furniture, but beggars couldn’t be choosers, and sometimes exhausted mommas needed to jail their kid while making dinner. Clue hadn’t snuck a shiv into the Pack N Play yet, but I still patted down the walls and mattresses to ensure she hadn’t dug an escape hole.

I had no idea how long it would take me to apologize to Shepard, and Clue would need a place to rest. It was coming too.

If I could dismantle it first.

Supposedly the Pack N Play actually packed. I tossed the mattress pad out and attempted to kick the middle bar up first. No go. I leaned over the side, tugged, and nearly fell face first into the mesh as the leg jammed.

Most of Clue’s toys and equipment came with age-related warnings and choking hazards. No one had warned me to avoid impaling myself on her damn portable crib.

If it wasn’t a diaper genie, it wasn’t worth dying for.

I grabbed the middle leg and pulled. Too hard. The crib supernova collapsed in the middle. The legs bent—I think that was supposed to happen—and the entire contraption collapsed onto its side. I stared at it. Somehow the whole thing was intended to fold up to be the size of a backpack.

Yeah, right.

I seized the arm and wrestled for the release. Did it jiggle, or was that my arm clinging to the last bit of baby weight?

I squeezed.

The joint squeaked and collapsed on my finger. I squealed, falling to my knees.

The word nearly wrenched from my lips. “Sh—”

Clue stared at me, alert, listening, and learning.

This episode of motherhood futility was brought to her by the letter S for Shucks! That really smarts!

I sucked on my wounded finger. So the crib demanded a blood sacrifice to pack up. At least the messy business was done. I aimed for the opposite arm with the same hesitance I gave a can of ready-to-bake biscuits pounded on the counter. One good pop and I ducked my hand out of the way before motherhood gave me another blister.

I folded where it said to fold, pinched where it wanted to be pinched, even slapped it around a bit and called it the name it liked to be called. But the side-rails didn’t want to close, the mesh tied itself in a knot, and the squeal of metal wasn’t the soothing twinkle-time music that rocked Clue to sleep.

Too damn bad.

I grabbed the mattress pad and wrapped that sucker up. When the Velcro didn’t take, I looked for the next best thing. I didn’t have rope, but I found some heavy-duty support guaranteed to strap up heavier objects than a Pack N Play.

A nursing bra.

I tied the bra over the crib and stretched the material. Fortunately, my luscious ladies had transformed in the weeks after Clue’s birth. The bra was of adequate size to double as both trebuchet and locking mechanism for unwieldy portable crib.

I tossed the bra around the legs and latched the back with a grunt.

“Yeah. Not very comfortable, is it?” I kicked the crib. “Welcome to my world.”

The cover slid on with only minimal protest, and I zipped it up before the pressure burst and the nursery detonated over my living room in a lullaby cacophony. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall. Humpty Dumpty got smacked in the face with nipple balm and immediately ran for a vasectomy.

So far so good. Diaper bag. Pack N Play. I could leave now.

Except…her play mat.

Damn it. Clue loved the little activity center with the dangling, multi-colored toys and shapes. She rocked tummy time under it, spending ten or fifteen blissful minutes completely absorbed by the hanging toys. It was great for mommas who needed to have a serious conversation that didn’t involve diaper dialog or tata tête-à-têtes.

The play mat was coming too. I folded it up. This would be a trick. The Pack N Play strapped over my shoulder. The diaper bag hung from the other. I looped the folded mat over my elbow, using the arched mobile as a handle.

This was a good style. Momma on the go.

Or bag lady.

I definitely busted out with a homeless look over the appearance of a well-groomed Pinterest mom, but time wasn’t my friend. Shepard hadn’t answered his phone. He didn’t know what had happened. How I felt. What I’d decided.

No matter what happened in the past, I had a bright future ahead of me.

And I wanted to experience it with him.

I grabbed the bundles of baby supplies and locked the door behind me. It took me three steps before I realized I’d forgotten the most important thing of all.

The damned kid.

I returned to her stroller with a dozen apologies and promises for milk and/or therapy, whichever she preferred. Clue forgave me with a bright smile and kicking legs.

The bulky bags and supplies weighed me down the instant I hit the street, cluttering the sidewalk and accidentally beaning the few couples who scoured the city in search for a late-night date spot. Closer to my apartment, they looked for coffee houses. By the time I reached the bus stop—sweating and panting—they stumbled out of bars.

Clue gurgled in the stroller. She was right. I did seem a little manic. Not many moms turtled themselves in a mobile nursery in the middle of the night to declare their feelings for a man who wasn’t their child’s father. All I needed was a shopping cart and a cardboard sign proclaiming the end times, and I’d look as crazy as I felt. Question remained: did I go with The End Is Coming or Brought To You By Pampers?

The bus was one of the last running for the night. Fortunately, it was empty. The driver opened the door, but his eyes bugged out of his head as he looked at me.

“Lady…what are you doing?”

I didn’t have a bus pass, but I’d remembered to drop a couple dollars in the stroller. I unsuccessfully fished around the pocket before dropping half of my nursery with a grunt. I patted the blanket under Clue.

For some reason, the five-dollar bill had migrated to her diaper. I hoped that wasn’t a sign of her future.

Well, that was the point of tonight. We turned dollars and g-strings into picket fences and puppy dogs. Hopefully.

I dropped the money with the driver and hauled the stroller to the bus stairs. The rest of my stuff cluttered behind me, tangling on the railing and nearly sling-shotting me off the damn bus. A stuffed star from the mobile didn’t survive the tussle. It bounced off the ramp and into the street. Every battle risked casualties. Little Twinkle’s sacrifice wouldn’t be in vain.

Especially since the Pack N Play smacked off an aggravated business man in a suit, nearly decapitated an elderly grandma protecting herself with two knitting needles and a popcorn stitch, and interrupted a rather hot and heavy moment between two teens.

“Hey!” The teenaged boy grumbled. “Watch it.”

I pointed to the baby. “You want this to happen to you? Hands to yourself, bae. And an aspirin between your knees, chica.”

The two glanced at the baby supplies, reevaluated their plans for the evening, and snuck apart. I turned only once their iPhones successfully flicked on.

This was it.

I crossed town at ten thirty at night, sent Shepard a warning text, and prepared for…

I didn’t know what, but I knew it’d be the best decision I’d ever made.

For six months, my life had been a haze of confusion and baby powder. I’d lived with total uncertainly, waiting for my life to begin again.

I only realized now that it hadn’t ended. I had all the opportunities in the world to make it better.

I had no memories, but I could make new ones.

All three of us.

Together.

The closest stop to Shepard’s house was six blocks away, but I leapt at the opportunity. I unknotted my baby supplies from the seats, apologized to the poor folks I clobbered on the way off the bus, and ran to catch Clue as I’d forgotten to unbrake the stroller as she nearly rocketed off the bus ramp.

Shepard’s home was a cute townhouse. Not small, but cozy. The exterior was a classic brownstone, complete with charming staircase to the front door. The windows had been shuttered and meticulously painted. White. Bright and inviting.

Exactly the type of home I would have wanted.

I dropped the bags by his door and gently hauled the stroller up the steps. I took one nervous breath.

Then I knocked.

And knocked.

And knocked.

After a still, heart-pounding minute, the door opened. A groggy Shepard, half-naked and wearing only a pair of jeans, stumbled to the door.

“Evie?” He blinked hard and stared at me, the baby, and the stuff cluttering his stoop. “What the hell are you doing?”

The Pack N Play survived for longer than I thought it would. The Velcro gave a warning rip, and I pitched the package to the ground as the mattress pad flung outwards, my nursing bra sailed into the shrubs under Shepard’s window, and the metal contraption bounced along the sidewalk.

Where did he want me to start?

“My fiancé found me.”

Blood didn’t shoot out of his ears, but he whipped the front door open hard enough for it to crack against his wall.

“You don’t have a fiancé!”

“Ace detective work, Officer Novak.” I regretted the snark. “I figured that out too. He was looking for reward money. I thought that…”

“Someone came to see you?”

“He saw the news report.”

“Who was he? What did he look like?”

“It’s okay,” I said. “I got rid of him. He’s not coming back.”

“Evie, this is serious. What did he say to you?”

“Nothing. I don’t know. It happened so fast. He pretended like we had dated or something...I didn’t want to believe it. Then he started talking about where we grew up, and it seemed like he was telling the truth. But he didn’t know that Clue was a girl, and he was obviously lying—”

“Listen to me.” Shepard’s voice hardened. “He was trying to scam you out of money. Forget everything he said. It was all a trick. A hustle.”

“I was an idiot.” I swallowed, hard. “When they said they found my fiancé…my heart just…”

Shepard ran a hand over his face, scratching a beard in desperate need of a trim. “Come inside. Sit down.” He glanced at the baby stuff I hauled in tow. “Did you bring the entire nursery?”

“At least I remembered the baby.”

“Small gifts.”

I pulled the stroller inside, but I weakened as I stared into his eyes. “I wanted to see you…so we could…”

Talk?

Forgive each other?

Start something amazing?

But what had made sense in the dark of my apartment, sitting and scheming on the floor of the nursery while Clue napped, suddenly made my stomach roil.

I pulled Clue from the stroller, and Shepard pointed down the hall. The townhouse didn’t need much direction. The home was narrow, as most buildings were downtown, but the hardwood floors were in perfect condition, decorated with a crimson runner that popped against the white of the walls and the light amber of the wood.

I stopped in the living room, bouncing Clue as he gave her a quick stroke of her cheek before assembling the Pack N Play. The damn thing fit together perfectly for him.

Everything did.

The baby went down, falling asleep nearly instantly. I covered her with a blanket and sighed.

“I’m sorry to barge in on you,” I said.

He kept his voice low. “No. I was stuck at work. Rough case. Ended up falling asleep as soon as I got home.”

“I had to see you.”

Shepard liked that, and his lips hinted at a smile. “You forgive me for being an ass?”

“I should ask you to forgive me.”

“Why?”

“I thought the interview would help. I wanted it to make the hard choices for me—so everything would fall in place because it had to, not because I was forced to finally decide...”

My throat closed. Oh, Christ. I wouldn’t let myself cry. Shepard followed me as I helped myself to his kitchen to retrieve a glass of water.

Had I always felt this comfortable with him? Hell, it was my first time in his home, and already I knew how he organized it, where he kept everything. I took a long, cool drink, waiting for my heart to steady.

The thunk-thunk-thunk only beat harder.

Shepard noticed. He reached for me, tugging me close.

“What happened?” He brushed a hand over my cheek.

His touch was all I needed. All I think I had ever needed.

Soft and warm. Compassionate.

Sensitive.

Shepard wasn’t just a man—he was a hero. He’d lay his life on the line for other people. He defended the innocent and protected anyone who needed help. He was strong enough to fight, but he knew when to let me defend myself, even when my words threatened to suffocate me.

“I decided something tonight,” I whispered.

“Are you okay?”

“Better than okay.” I stared into his eyes—bright and excited. “For so long, I’ve been waiting—praying—that someone from my past would find me.”

“And now?”

“Shepard…I don’t want to be found anymore. Not now that I’ve found you.”

Shepard pulled me close, but he didn’t speak. His lips lowered to mine, and he let the soft, delicate kiss whisper every promise for him.

Words he wouldn’t speak, vows he wouldn’t share.

I fell into him, clutching at his strength. A simmering and dangerous heat flared within me, and the sudden intensity stole my words with a mewed gasp and hushed breath.

Shepard stilled. He must have felt it too.

The connection. The truth.

The relief.

This was where we belonged. Together. No hesitations. No past to bind us, no future to distract us.

“I need you,” I whispered. Honesty caressed me as gently as his touch. “I feel like I’ve always needed you.”

Shepard didn’t answer. He swept me into his arms, carrying me first into the living room to check on the sleeping baby. Clue rested comfortably, eyes closed with a dreamy smile. Like she had slept at his house a million times before and felt just as safe here as she was in her own little room.

If I had no other reason to trust Shepard—even if he had never joined me for dinners, helped me with my past, or taken me with such intensity and passion—then his love for my baby was more than enough to surrender to this wild and unknowing desire.

His bedroom was untidy. Clothes on the floor, a kicked shoe halfway between the private bathroom and bed. We didn’t care. He carried me to the blankets, still warm from where he had slept. I wrapped my arms over his neck and sighed as he kissed me, my throat, my collarbone.

His scent rushed over me, leather and spice.

I’d had it before, and that was a moment of déjà vu I wished I could have experienced again and again. Memories of nights in his arms. Fantasies of a life and passion together. They came true once more.

We kissed. Not a frenzied ravishment of our bodies, but quiet worship and solemn promises. The way it was meant to be—without guilt, hesitance, or doubt.

Our clothes stripped away, and every uncovered inch of heated flesh was warmed with kisses and touches. Shepard laid over me, his chest bare and rippling with strength. I arched to meet him, pressing our bodies together.

Nothing had ever felt as perfect as that heat, that softness, that muscle against me. And I didn’t need memories for comparison. Shepard was everything that I needed to be complete. I’d never again desire another man like him. I couldn’t imagine another man beyond him.

And now, I didn’t need to fear anyone else coming between us.

“I’m yours…” I whispered as his kisses trailed low, delighting me with teasing licks to a place not-so-secret to us anymore. “Shepard, I promise you.”

“I’ve wanted to hear you say that…” Shepard’s words murmured over my softness, teased with the silken petals and slickened folds. “Evie, all I’m asking is a chance to prove myself to you.”

“You have nothing to prove.” I groaned through the shivers. “Though I like it when you try.”

His fingers replaced his lips, and I whimpered as he gently stroked everywhere and anywhere my body demanded. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking. I can’t get inside that head of yours.”

“Neither can I.” I begged him with hushed breaths and whispered words. “Forget that part of me.”

“I can’t, Evie. And neither can you.”

“I’m great at forgetting things.”

“I’m not.”

I met his gaze, my honesty just as profound as my desire. “I don’t care about a past I can’t remember. The only thing I want is a future with you.”

Shepard shuddered as I stroked him, tightening around his hardness with a deliberate hand. He groaned and flexed closer to me.

Touches weren’t enough. We needed more. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arched, welcoming that heat and hardness within my core.

I groaned, but he silenced my cry with a quick kiss and a single thrust within me.

Locked together.

Made for each other.

Lost in a flood of desire and a crash of desperation.

I clung to him, holding myself against his strength, meeting his every movement with an arch of my own. Our breathing tangled into a hiss of pleasure, and my fluttering heart beat a rhythm in my chest matched only by the desperate rush of his hips.

“Shepard…” My voice wavered as that perfect crest threatened to steal every word, thought, and promise from my lips. “You have to know how I feel.”

“I do.”

“No.” I gripped him, tangling us in ravenous heat. “You don’t know. I didn’t even know. Not until today. Not until…”

“Shh.” He moved faster, silencing my words. “Not now.”

“Yes. Now.” What better time? What better place? I was in his arms, in his bed, welcoming him within my core. Now was the only time. “Shepard, I lo—”

He stopped his movements, his hand over my lips. “No. Not yet.”

I shook my head. He didn’t release me.

“Not until your memory returns,” he insisted.

It didn’t make a difference now. Honesty was honesty, my feelings were my own.

“Those memories would complicate everything…” He kissed me, softly. “Wait. For my sake.”

“Why?”

“Because if you took it back…if you couldn’t keep that promise…” His eyes darkened, the blue stormy and lost. “I can’t handle it again.”

“Again?”

“Surrendering my heart.”

“I won’t break it.” I whimpered as he thrust once more. “Shepard, you don’t understand.”

“You remembered a man before.”

“And those memories? They’re lost now.” I touched his cheek. “Whoever existed in my past, whoever that man was, he’s gone. He’s not coming back. What we had is over.”

“It’s still your past. You owe it to yourself.”

“When I think of him…of any time in his bed, in his arms…” My words broke, caught between pleasure and tears. “Shepard, yours is the only face that I see. You are the only man I wished I had. The only one I want. I regret not meeting you first. It’s killing me that you aren’t…”

He leaned over me, his motions turning harder, fiercer.

“Say it,” he said. “Let me hear it.”

“I wish it had been you,” I whispered. “My fiancé. My baby’s father. Everything, Shepard. I’m giving up that past. I want you. Forever.”

“God help me.” Shepard crashed over me, his kisses hard and fierce. “I’ll give you the life you want. The one you deserve. Everything you’ve ever wanted. I swear it—you’ll come first. You and the baby will be the most important things to me.”

Such promises didn’t need vows. No words could ever swear as strongly as a kiss, bind as passionate as a touch, or surrender as deeply as two bodies made as one.

My pleasure rooted in his, connecting our bodies as every stroke, every emotion, every tightness enveloped us in a perfect cocoon of pleasure and safety and perfection.

I came as he did. Together.

And that moment was the beginning of something perfect. A life I’d always wanted. A family for me and my baby. A chance for happiness and stability in a world that had taken both from me.

This was the start of what I deserved.

The promise of my naivety.

The end of my innocence.

If only it had lasted.