Xavier
Xavier woke up with the sun. Before he even opened his eyes, he was thinking about Sasha. And what had happened the night before.
He felt a twisting in his stomach, and he pressed his face into his pillow. Oh Lordy, he sure had messed things up. But maybe he could fix it.
He had an idea.
His father was in the kitchen getting ready to leave for work. Xavier asked him to drop him in town on the way.
Fifteen minutes later Xavier stood at the counter of the old-fashioned bakery. He bought seven cinnamon sugar donuts, the kind they were known for that always sold out. Then he walked to her house. “I have those seven cinnamon sugar donuts you asked for,” he planned to say. Seven was the funniest number of something to get to give a person. And things had gotten so strange between them, only a joke could fix it. Unless showing up at her house would make things weirder.
Would it?
He suddenly wondered if maybe he should turn around, maybe he should make his way back home. But by then he was at her house and saw that she was already outside. For a moment it felt like magic.
“Fancy meeting you out here!” he said. “And it’s a really lucky thing actually because I have your . . .” He held the bag of donuts out in front of him. The grease had soaked through the paper.
But when she looked up and saw him, she did not smile. Xavier felt like he was sinking. His mouth opened and fumbled for words he had not planned out because he was not yet even sure what they should be. He lowered the bag of donuts to his side.
“About last night,” he said. “I’m really sorry that . . .” What was he trying to tell her?
“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” Sasha said quickly. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“But I—”
Sasha shook her head, just shook it and held up her hand. And that’s when Xavier noticed the tent and the duffel bag sitting on the ground next to her car.
“Running away from home?” He was trying to make a joke, to sound casual, but no part of him felt casual. His heart was pounding.
“I have to go,” she said. “On a trip.” Since when did Sasha go on last-minute trips without even telling him?
He was struck with the terrible fear that his joke was not far off. She was running away. She was leaving because of him, because of what had almost happened between them. She was leaving and never coming back.
Or maybe, he realized, it wasn’t even about him at all.
“With who?” he said. But he thought maybe he already knew the answer, and it made him feel sort of sick. “Who are you going on the trip with?”
“No one,” she said.
“Really?” He felt a moment of crushing relief. “How come you’re going?”
“I just need to go somewhere,” she said. “My mom and Marc are out of town again and I called in at the shop and I . . .”
“Can I come?” His voice cracked. It was suddenly very, very important to him that she not get into the car and drive away. That she not get into the car and drive away without him.
She shook her head. “That’s not a good idea.”
“Why not? Is it because of that time I . . .” He was trying to think of something funny to say, but then they locked eyes. And he stopped. Hers were completely flat, like she wasn’t even in there behind them. Something was going on, and he could not begin to guess what it was. But he knew one thing for sure: He couldn’t leave her to deal with this alone. She’d taken care of him for weeks and weeks, done her best to protect him, to keep him sane. And now it was his turn.
“Please,” he said. “Sasha, I know it’s been . . . a lot has happened lately. But I need to come with you.” She was looking at him, slowly shaking her head. “Whatever it is that’s going on, you don’t have to tell me. I won’t even ask about it, I swear. I’ll just sit in the car. I’ll be like one of those mannequins people use to ride in the carpool lane. We can ride in the carpool lane!”
“Nothing’s going on,” she said. But her voice sounded wrong, and he didn’t believe it.
“Good,” he said. “Great, I’m so glad to hear it.” And then he had an idea that was either funny or dumb, but he was going to risk it. He walked over to her car. He opened the door. He got in the passenger seat and sat down. He shut the door and rolled down the window. He leaned the seat back until he was practically lying down. “So when do we leave?” he shouted. “Don’t worry, I already packed our donuts!”
Sasha was silent. He sat up. She was still staring at him, her eyes were very shiny. She was starting to soften, he could see it. “I’m not getting out of the car, so either I’m coming with you, or you’re gonna have to pick me up and drag me out.”
“Xavier,” she said.
“Sasha,” he said. “Can you pick up a whole human being? A whole human being in addition to an entire bag of seven donuts? I mean, I know you are very strong, but . . .” Xavier stopped, satisfied. Because her face was changing. Was she smiling? Well, no. But she didn’t look the same as before, at least.
“You don’t even know where I’m going.”
“I don’t care,” Xavier said. “I just want to come. Hang out with my best friend, who I have really missed.” His friend who obviously needed his help even though she wasn’t going to ask for it.
He leaned halfway out the window, out there with the chirping birds and the blue sky. Somewhere nearby someone had started up a lawn mower.
“So where are we going, anyway?” he said. “Georgia? Canada? To the Moon?”
“South,” she said. “I don’t know how long it will take.” She paused. “What would you tell your parents?”
Xavier knew then that she was going to let him come, and his insides started lifting. “That I’m home but have taken a vow of silence and also a vow of invisibility, so they won’t be able to hear or see me?”
“I’m serious,” Sasha said.
Xavier thought for a moment. “I’ll tell them I’m with you. I’ll say I broke up with Ivy and that we’re on a trip with your mom and her boyfriend. My mom will be so glad that I’m not stuck in bed this time, and my dad honestly probably won’t even notice.” Xavier paused. “Please. Please. Please. I’m literally not letting you leave without me so you might as well say yes and save us some time.”
When their eyes met, he felt like she was telling him something in a language he couldn’t understand. All he knew was that he cared about her more than anyone in the world, and he very, very much didn’t want her to drive off without him. He got out of the car then. He picked up the tent and started carrying it around toward the trunk. “I’ll help,” he said.
“No!” Sasha shouted. “I mean, give that to me. I have . . .” She looked at him. “A whole packing system.”
“Since when?” he asked. He was smiling.
“Call your mother,” she said. “If you’re coming, call her.”
So he did. He called his mother and told her they were going on a trip together. And she was happy, just like he knew she’d be.
Xavier got into the car. Sasha already had the motor running.
He gave himself permission to stop thinking. There is a luxury in giving up control, in handing everything over to someone else. Someone who you trust more than anyone in the world. Someone who you know will always take care of you, and you of them. He realized in that moment there was only one person on earth who he had ever felt like that about. And she was right beside him.
“It’s like we’d always planned,” he said. He got in the car. “Two outlaws on the run.” He held up a set of finger guns and shot them high into the sky. “Pew pew!”
“But one rule,” she said. “No phones. Take it out and put it back inside.” She was playing their game then, the one where she told him what to do. He knew it was because of Ivy— Sasha was worried he’d be tempted to get in touch with her. He wanted to say, So far as I’m concerned, she might as well be dead, but he didn’t. To refer to her at all would give her power, would put her in the car with them. And he just did not want her there, or anywhere, anymore.
He took his phone out of his pocket. “I’ll put it inside,” he said. And she nodded. On the way he texted his mom, told her they’d probably be out of range so if she texted or called he wouldn’t get it, and she shouldn’t worry.
He left the phone in Sasha’s room, came back outside, gave her a thumbs-up.
He got into the car. He was glad not to have his phone, he realized, to have nothing connecting him to the world, nothing connecting him to anything but Sasha. He had a flash of good feeling like maybe all the bad things were behind him and there were only good things up ahead now.
He reached out then without even thinking, without even meaning to, and took Sasha’s hand. He squeezed it. Her face flushed. She opened her eyes wide. She squeezed his hand back.
“Let’s go,” she said.
“Road trip!” he said.
She turned the key.
The engine started.
They went.