CHAPTER NINE
Gravy & Mashed Potatoes
MAGGIE
Dinner became even tenser as the minutes ticked by. Only the sounds of silverware and the grandfather clock ticking from the corner of the room could be heard.
Brea pushed her food around on her plate, while Cole tried his best to get her attention.
Maggie felt like she could kill and in fact, she kept envisioning all sorts of harm to some of the guests gathered at the table. In her mind, Jet was already tarred and feathered while running around in circles like a headless chicken. The Noble twins were shaved bald while looking beaten black and blue as they sat rocking and weeping. Maggie almost smiled as the satisfying fantasies played out in her head.
Jet sat and stared at Maggie with a perplexed expression on his face as he just lounged in his seat and swirled the tea in his glass.
Mable, being her usual sassy self, led the heretofore-meager conversation to try to avoid any more fights. “So, ya’ll know that Daisy here is finally gonna marry her man.”
Daisy beamed at her.
Nodding her head, Mable looked over at Rand. “And, the groom may not be from Texas, but he sure punches like a cowboy,” she teased. Then her gaze swung over to Wade. “Then it turns out that he is Maggie’s and Wade’s father.” She laughed. “Who woulda’ thunk it?”
Kanda smiled at her and then at Wade.
The Noble twins ate quietly and seemed to listen while taking sneak peeks at the glum looking cowboy twins.
“Then, ya’ll’s brother Quinn, works right here at the Triple K,” she stated as she glanced over at the Noble sisters
Jet gave a grunt as if he disapproved of this particular subject.
For the first time ever, Maggie swung her curious gaze over to him.
He shrugged and gave her a half smile.
Maggie harrumphed and swung her glittery gaze back over to Mable who was still making small talk.
Mable nodded her head at the twin girls. “How’s your dad by the way?”
Valeen, as usual spoke up first, “He’s bullheaded as always and still insists on breaking the new horses himself.”
Mable laughed. “Yep, don’t ‘spect Jared would change all that much.”
“Well, isn’t it true that um…you and him had a thing in high school?” Victoria joined in.
Mable’s eyes rounded. “He tell you that?”
“Nah, she found an old picture of you two while she was snooping,” Valeen answered for her sister.
“What?” Kanda piped in as she swung her shocked gaze over at her mother. “You dated Jared Noble?”
“Now, don’t go gettin’ your panties into a twist, Kandy girl. It was a long time ago,” her mother retorted.
Wade chuckled.
Kandy Girl swung her gaze to his face. “What?”
He shook his head. “Well, they say that Australians have odd expressions, but twisted panties?”
Rand joined his chuckling. “Like whatever smokes your shorts?”
“Exactly!” Wade laughed.
Daisy giggled as she turned her happy gaze to Rand. “I don’t know about that, ‘cause you all have some doozies. The Aussie translation would be…” She rolled her eyes up as if she were contemplating it. “Don’t get your knickers in a…knot? ’Cause it’s better than a poke in the eye with a stick!”
Wade and Rand were chuckling.
Daisy grinned as lifted up her glass and winked at Rand. “And I ain’t pissing in your pocket, mate!”
The two men started to howl with laughter.
Mable, Kanda and the Noble girls joined in.
“Well, the wildest notion I ever heard of is how all the men got together there and made up their own holiday, because women kept pushing Valentine’s Day,” Kanda interjected.
Rand abruptly stopped laughing with a surprised expression on his face. Then he stared over at his son while his eyes rounded.
Kanda nodded her head knowingly while wearing a smirk.
Wade went pink in the face. “Now Kandy, that is not—”
“You mean you told her about that outrageous holiday?” Daisy’s expression looked animated. “Steak and a—”
Rand placed his hand over her mouth. “Not at the dinner table Daze!”
“Well, what I would like to know is why men would demand a steak day anyhow,” Mable cut in, “I mean don’t they feed you big, ole strappin’ Aussies enough beef in that wild country of yours?”
Kanda briefly stared at her mother, as though she could not believe what she just said, then tossed her head back and laughed uproariously.
“What is so dammed funny Kanda Kincade?” Mable demanded.
Wade groaned with embarrassment as he stared down at his plate.
“Well, actually Mable, it’s the woman who gets the beef on that particular day,” Daisy explained in an all too serious tone.
Rand almost choked on his drink while he gasped loudly.
Kanda halted and stared at her then at Rand’s shocked expression. Almost snorting with amusement her laughter grew to nearly hysterical again.
Wade put his hands over his face with another loud groan.
“Yep, you sly dingo…you!” Daisy teased him.
At the other end of the table—there was no laughter or any talking at all.
The laughing guests at the north end suddenly seemed to realize that the amusement certainly wasn’t shared by the south end and they all shifted uncomfortably in their seats, grabbing up a glass or napkin as the laughter died out.
Mable shook her head in bemusement as she sat her fork down and gently wiped her mouth with her fancy Triple K brand monogramed napkin. “Okay…We will now get to the subject at hand.” She gazed intently all around the table. “But you all better stay in your seats. Until we get this—well, whatever tangle it is ironed out.” She pursed her lips. “Valeen, since you made the odd announcement. You can speak first.”
Valeen Noble looked taken aback as she gazed around at the guests her bright green eyes wide. “Um, well—it ain’t really for polite company, Ms. Mable.”
“Oh, come on girl!” Mable replied, “You participated in a hair pullin, butt kickin’ Jerry Springer episode just now, this ain’t polite company. Just spit it out girl.”
Valeen set her napkin down, as she looked uneasy.
At the south end, Jet and Cole seemed to shift anxiously in their seats.
Jet spoke up, “Ma—?”
Mable placed her hand up. “It ain’t your turn son and if you keep this up, I aim to cancel your birth certificate!”
He angrily swiped his lips with his napkin, tossed it on the table and leaned back in his seat.
The curvy outspoken redhead sat for a long minute while staring at both of the Kincade men. “Well, like I said, it’s been a year and we all had an agreement. The men here promised to keep with what we agreed on.”
Mable blinked her eyes at her. “A year since what?”
It was Cole, who now attempted to stop this particular conversation as he stood up. “Ma, I really think this would be better said in private.”
Mable glared at her usually well behaved son. “This here is private. These are all family members or about to be family and didn’t I tell you all to sit the hell down once already?”
Cole bit at his lip.
“Is it really that bad Cole?” Kanda asked in a pained voice.
He sighed and sat back down. “All depends on…” He halted and swung his gaze over to Brea. “…Who you are.”
Brea stared at him with glimmering eyes as she fiddled anxiously with her napkin.
Mable cleared her throat loudly and nodded at Valeen to proceed.
“Well, Victoria and I went to Vegas last year and we ran into…” She swung her eyes up and over to Jet. “…The Kincade boys. It got wild and we were all drinkin’ and whatnot. ”
Brea sat stone still as her face went white.
Maggie wondered what the so-called whatnot was, but then again, she didn’t really want to know. She reached over, grabbed her sister’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
Mable looked livid as she stared at her sons. “And…?”
“It was so much fun!” Valeen’s sister cut in, “Everywhere we went, everybody thought they were seeing double.” Victoria laughed. “Can you imagine? I think we sobered up some drunks that particular night!”
Valeen nodded her head at her sister and she giggled a bit too.
Mable cleared her throat loudly and pointedly stared at Valeen.
Her smiled instantly dropped. “Well, one bar led to another and we all got—well…”
“We got married!” Victoria finished for her.
Many gasps echoed around the table.
Horrified, Brea stood up from her chair and gaped at Cole. “You’re married already?”
Cole stood up too, and tried to grab her hands. “It wasn’t like that, sweetie.”
Pulling her hands from his, she started to cry as she stomped her foot. “You either got married or you didn’t Cole Kincade!”
“You mean you’ve been carrying on with my…” Daisy stood up and glowered at both cowboys. “…BOTH of my daughters and you were married to these red headed two bit hussies all along?”
Valeen stood up. “Who you calling hussies, Miss Ten Men A Year Daisy?”
Daisy shot a death glare over to the redheaded woman across from her. “You better be giving your heart to Jesus, 'cause your butt is mine!” Her chair toppled back as she pushed away from the table.
Rand held onto to her as she tried to lunge across the table.
The room exploded with flying insults.
“Well bring it, ‘cause I’m not the one who looks rode hard and put up soaking wet!” Valeen retorted.
Daisy sucked her breath in at the insult. “At least, I ain’t never taken a sloppy ride while lushin’ it up like a dime-a-dunk slut in some God dammed casino!”
Rand grabbed her hand which was indeed, aiming for the silverware on the table.
Attempting to grab a knife, Daisy shouted, “Imma gonna hack off all that burnt to hell straw you call hair, ya dime store hussy!”
Valeen’s sister stood up now. “You can’t be callin’ us hussies. Just look at that dress you’re wearin’! It’s so tight, we can all see straight to your dang religion and I bet there’s been many a man you’ve taken to that particular Promised Land!”
“Ohh!” Daisy shouted as she struggled in Rand’s hold. “I swear, I’m gonna snatch you bald like the redheaded stepchild you surely are!”
Just then, Brea started to weep loudly from the other end of the table.
Everyone halted to look over at the poor woman, as she held her hand out and stared at the ring on her finger.
Maggie gasped as she just now realized her sister was wearing one.
Quietly, but with a shaky hand, Brea pulled it off and set it down on the table.
“No, Brea!” Cole pleaded. “You can’t just—”
Kanda squinted at the ring, as her face showed her shock. “Grandma’s ring? Oh, Cole!”
“Please let me explain.” Cole tried to reach for Brea.
She shook her head as she stepped back. “I knew it was a fool’s dream—I knew it!”
“No,” Cole pleaded. “Please just listen!”
Jet stood up abruptly and went around to Brea. “It was my fault. Just try to listen. Please Brea?”
Brea kept swiping at her tears as she tried to focus on him.
“I spiked Cole’s drink that night,” he blurted out.
“WHAT?” Cole and the Noble twins all shouted at the same time.
Jet sighed and looked down at the floor, staring at his boots as if it might reverse all that he’d done. “I was so sick of dealing with the holier than God Cole. Never wanting to go and party with me, his own brother. Always bitchin’ about my wild life and my failings. I just wanted him to loosen up.”
“Well, that explains a lot,” Kanda interjected.
“It don’t explain him being a God dammed about to be bigamist!” Daisy shouted.
Victoria, the quieter Noble twin stood up. “Oh, no he isn’t married.” She looked upset as she stared sympathetically at poor Brea.
“No, we got immediate annulments,” Valeen cut in. “We only agreed because the men swore that if we all weren’t married when the year was up, then we would all get hitched again.”
“I will be God dammed. So, you two really thought I was calling you over to help plan your own wedding?” Mable asked.
The girls both nodded.
Cole glared at his brother, despite what he was trying to do just now, then he gazed tenderly at Brea. “I only want to marry you Brea. I don’t ever want to live without you.”
Brea remained quiet as she stared at him while her lower lip trembled, then she glanced over at the twin women. “But—why…why didn’t you tell me about it?”
Cole sighed as he shifted his stance and stuck his hands into his jean pockets. “Honestly? I forgot all about it.”
“Oh, really?” Valeen scoffed as she piped in. “Or is it that why you got engaged in the first place, just to get out of the pact?”
Several shocked gasps could be heard in the room.
Maggie swung her accusing gaze to Jet. “So, that’s what you planned! You low down, lying snake!”
Jet glanced back at her over his shoulder and seemed to stumble as he tried to turn around. “You’re wrong Maggie. I swear it. That is not what happened!”
“NO!” Cole suddenly blurted the denial out while he looked shocked by the whole idea as he briefly glanced at the arguing couple. He slowly gazed over at the redheaded twin who made the accusation. “The truth is…I have forgotten all the women I knew before and everyone I was ever with…when I met Brea.”
Gasping at the declaration, Brea then hiccupped and started to cry again.
“Oh sweetheart, please don’t cry.” He grabbed her hands. “We can work this out. I promise.”
“Well, we got rights here. In Texas, a verbal agreement sticks! Both of you shook our hands, dammit!” Valeen shouted along the table.
“I swear I don’t care if you are the flipping queen of the freakish amazons. If you don’t shut the hell up? I’m gonna slap you to sleep!” Maggie shouted back.
All of them started talking at once to be heard over the others.
“Everyone, just try to calm down!” Mable yelled.
The shouting got louder as again, the group steadily got rowdier and it all blew up into total chaos.
“I mean it!” Mable shouted as she picked up the gravy boat. “All I got left is the gravy!” She swung it around threateningly.
Most of the group kept yelling and fussing as they couldn’t or wouldn’t hear her.
“That’s okay Mable…” Daisy smirked as she reached into a bowl sitting on the table. “…It will go perfectly with the mashed potatoes!” She flung a fistful at Valeen.
SPLAT!
It hit Valeen’s cheek and she sucked in her breath while part of it caked one eye.
“Oh, no! You did not just do that!” Her sister, Victoria looked aghast.
“Well, if you doubt it, here’s the instant replay then!” Daisy grinned at the stunned redhead and tossed another handful at her face.
Again, like the other twin, mashed potatoes landed on Victoria’s face and hair with a squishy sounding splat.
“Ohh!” Victoria shouted with a stunned disbelief as she staggered back.
Valeen literally growled and picked up a corn on the cob.
Daisy’s eyes widened.
“Here’s a nob I’ll bet you are familiar with too!” Tossing it with glee, Valeen beamed as it sailed through the air.
Rand reached out like he had reflexes quicker than the eye and caught it before it made contact with Daisy’s face.
Wade stared with disbelief on his face at the women who’d gone insane while they all started grabbing food off the table like it was a Black Friday Buffet right there in the dining room.
Kanda grabbed his hand and tried to tug him out of his chair. “Come on! We’re gonna be biscuits and gravy if we don’t—” Then gravy hit her and him smack on their faces.
Mable lowered the dripping gravy boat and shook her head. “Dammit, I missed!”
Kanda spluttered as she gazed down at herself. “Ma!” she shouted with shock as cream gravy dripped from her long black locks. “What the hell?”
Wade just seemed to give in to the craziness as he simply crossed his arms over his wide, gravy covered chest and licked the tasty concoction dripping from his lips.
Kanda stared at her big man licking the remnants from his mouth and she sucked in her breath. “God dammit. That’s hotter than blue blazes…”
Meanwhile, at the south end—things were getting rather ugly as an enraged Maggie jumped up on Jet’s back and pulled at his hair. “Try to con me, will ya?” She yelled, along with a whole list of foul names. Sleazy pilfering chicken hawk along with some four lettered expletives about his family jewels going missing. Telling him, he would wish for the days of lipstick and floozies by the time she was through with him.
He, in turn, whirled around in circles. Shouting for her to please listen to him while trying to remove her and as a result—he knocked Brea into Cole.
Cole caught his weeping semi-bride-to-be and tried to gather her into his strong arms.
Brea shrieked while looking delirious from crying and pushed him away.
He fell back over a toppled chair and landed flat on his back.
Brea then screamed and dropped down on top of him with a breathless concern as she grabbed his face and asked him if he was okay.
At the north end…food was flying. Green beans, salad and different dressings were sailing through the air as squeals from the women and male laughter from the Monroe men could be heard. In between ducking their heads, that is.
Daisy looked liked an abstract cafeteria painting gone wrong as different colors dripped from her blonde hair and her large bosom. It didn’t deter her none though, while she got in some of the best pitches in this food fight.
Amused, Rand stood next to her while catching anything he felt might do her harm, but allowing soft items to whiz by and pelt her. Then, every time something did, he would laugh loudly.
His son could do nothing but laugh and duck repeatedly, down into his chair.
Kanda with her gravy soaked hair hanging over her face hid behind Wade’s chair as she would peek out and play cheerleader, egging Daisy on with shouts of, GOOD ONE! Or, ATTA GIRL, RIGHT OVER THE PLATE!
The Noble twins seemed to get the worst of it as they even had trouble seeing what food or liquid was coming at them at any given second and they both eventually slipped to the floor in dressing, food covered heaps.
BOOM!
A powerful blast sounded out through the dining room that deafened everyone. The windows rattled and the china vibrated on the table.
Mable stood at the edge of the room with a double-barreled shotgun aimed at the ceiling—plaster and debris rained down from a huge hole to the table and food covered floor.
The Texas style episode of Wrestle-Food-Mania instantly halted.
“God dammit!” she scowled. “I would be asking all of you, if your mother raised you wrong, but half of you would be accusin’ me of neglect and abuse for God dammed sure!”
The food-covered group all stared in shock as they swiped at different textures streaming down their faces to try to see her. At the beat down end of the table, they tried to either stand up or jump down.
“Now, you all better act civilized!” Mable seethed. “And this is how we are gonna proceed…”
Everyone suddenly looked curious as they openly gawked at her.
“Ya’ll lunatics are gonna clean this up and just to be safe? It will be in neutral teams.” She stood for a minute as she glared at them all. “The shameful Kincade part of this here insanity are gonna take all the dishes to the kitchen. Daisy Dukes here and the Monroe clan are gonna clean up the table. You double nitwit Noble girls will be the dishwashers.”
They all grumbled and some muttered under their breaths.
Mable raised her shotgun and slid the slider back with an ominous metal against metal echo to engage the gun again. “I ain’t gonna tolerate no backtalk and no more fist fights. And I’m warning you, if I find one crack in my willow china, ya’ll are gonna wish you were six feet under! Now, get to cleanin’!”
The group all spread out and did like she said.
“Brea Plush?” she called out to the bewildered looking woman.
Brea swiped at her tears and her head shot up.
“You will be coming with me.”
Cole halted and stared at Brea and then glanced over at his mom.
“No backtalk son. Don’t make me bend you over my knee.”
Brea then walked over and joined her as they both went out of the dining room.
Rand kept chuckling. “And here, I thought the outback was wild.”
Wade joined his chuckling and watched Kanda taking dishes from the table as he shook his head. “You don’t even know the half of it. It beats Bush Week all to hell.” He then turned and grinned at his bemused father. “Welcome to Texas Dad.”