Zeke

The little brunette grunted then fired a string of curses at me when I dropped her on her ass.

“Enough?” I said.

Ruby scowled up at me from the floor. “Not even close.”

I watched her shake it off then jump back to her feet, an evil-as-fuck grin spreading across her face.

She motioned me forward. “That all you got?”

Jesus, the woman was relentless, focused, determined. I admired the hell out of her for it. Having Ruby out in the field had taken Neco some getting used to, but he was dealing with it, and she’d become an amazing agent, an asset to our team—but tonight, I didn’t want to spar, I wanted to get to Sunny. I hadn’t seen her in four nights. It felt like twenty. I only had myself to blame. Jesus, she’d thanked me before I walked out, like I’d somehow made a difference to her life just from climbing in her bed every night. I’d let her words twist and warp in my mind all the next day, until I’d convinced myself to back off. I’d overreacted. I mean, she’d thanked me, so fucking what? Or maybe I was just trying to talk myself into believing that, so I could have her back under me tonight.

Shit, my skin felt too tight for my body. She was all I could think about.

The warmth and scent of her skin, her hair, the softness of all those wild blond waves sliding over me . . .

“Omph!” I went down, the wind knocked from my lungs as I landed flat on my back. I blinked and stared up into Ruby eyes, wide with shock . . . and bright with goddamn glee.

She whooped, then lifted her hands in the air and jogged in a circle. “Oh yeah, that’s how it’s done.” She cupped her ear. “What’s that?” she said to her invisible audience. “Is that Ruby you’re chanting?” Then she started chanting her own name, jogging around the room, air punching like she was Rocky Balboa.

I pulled myself into a sitting position, and shook my head. Jesus, I’d let Sunny distract me and she wasn’t even in the room. Ruby stopped yelling her own name suddenly and squealed, making my goddamn ears ring, then raced across the room. I watched her run to Neco, who had just walked in, letting him catch her.

She planted a kiss on her man’s lips then spun and pointed at me. “As you can see, Zeke is currently on his ass.” She grinned wider. “I put him on it.”

Neco looked at me, brows high. “No shit?”

“No shit,” she said, then started laughing maniacally.

I ignored them both and got to my feet. “Doesn’t count. I was distracted.”

“Ha!” Ruby said. “If that makes you feel better, you think whatever you like.”

Hunter walked in, Lulu and their son Josh with him. Ruby instantly started sharing her tale of kicking my ass and Neco strode over to me.

He chuckled. “You know you’ll never hear the end of this, right? She’s been trying to knock you on your ass for months.”

I grunted.

Neco tilted his head to the side. “As good as Ruby is, she’s not that good, not many are.” His eyes bore into mine. “Something on your mind?”

“No.”

“You said it yourself, you’ve been distracted.” He shrugged. “And honestly, I’ve noticed.”

I stilled. “What are you saying?”

“Like I said, just like something’s on your mind.”

An uneasy feeling slid through me, ice spiking down my spine. If Neco noticed, it had to be bad. I’d only had one thing on my mind the last couple weeks: Sunny. She wasn’t just in her bedroom at night when I went to her, she was with me during the day, in my head. I anticipated seeing her. Shit, I think I actually missed her, not seeing her these last few nights.

Christ. That could not happen.

This thing with her, it was affecting my work. My mission.

“I need a shower.” I left Neco standing there, ignored him calling after me.

I tried to convince myself while I showered and dressed that I shouldn’t go to her, but I couldn’t do it. It was fucked up, selfish, but I had to have one more night with her. One more night where I got to bask in Sunny’s light, her warmth.

When I walked out, Neco and Ruby were on the mat sparring, circling each other. Neco rushed her and swiped her legs out from under her then came down on top of her. Ruby shrieked then burst out laughing when he started tickling her. Nec started laughing, too, then he leaned down and kissed his woman. Something in my gut tightened as I watched them, something fucking terrifying, something I didn’t think I’d ever felt in my life.

Want.

The kind of want that I’d given up on a long time ago. The kind that came with useless dreams of things I could never have.

I got the hell out of there.

* * *

I walked into Sunny’s townhouse, shut the door behind me, and made my way up the stairs to her room. I knew I shouldn’t just let myself in, but it wasn’t like a locked door or a security system could keep me out, and after vanishing for four nights, I wasn’t sure of my reception. I owed her nothing, and the same went for her, but I felt shitty for just disappearing, and honestly, I was worried she wouldn’t let me in.

“It’s me,” I said as I hit the top of the stairs.

No, I didn’t want her to bar me from her, but I didn’t want to freak her out, either. Her bedroom door was open, light spilling out into the hall. I walked in. She was sitting up in her bed, lamp on, book resting against her drawn up knees. She was wearing reading glasses and her hair was pulled high in a messy bun on top of her head.

The woman stole my breath.

She also didn’t seem alarmed that I was standing in her bedroom door.

Just the sight of her had me hard. Shit, I ached for her.

“You’re here,” she whispered. “I didn’t think . . .” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head.

“You want me here, Sunny?” I asked, giving her an out, letting her know I’d leave if she didn’t want me in her bed tonight. This woman was a mystery. She’d never asked for anything from me, not once since I started coming to her. Like she didn’t expect it . . . shit, shouldn’t expect it. No, I couldn’t give her more than my nights, but Christ, I wanted to know why she felt that way. I’d disappeared for four nights, now here I was standing in her room, and she wasn’t pissed. I didn’t fucking know what she was. What had happened in her life for her to think it was normal to accept what was given and not ask for what she wanted, not ask for more.

Jesus, she had me in knots.

She slid off her glasses, closed her book and put them on her bedside table. Her eyes came back to me, and she nodded.

At her nod, the way pink hit her cheeks so damn innocently, a spike of lust cranked me even higher. At least I knew she wanted me, that was one thing I wasn’t unsure of. I reached back, tugged off my shirt, then went to her . . . like a drug addict after his next fix, like a man obsessed. Like a starving fucking beast.

Sunny didn’t seem to mind when I stripped her bare and fucked her in a way that bordered on frenzied. Like always, she gave me everything. Open and sweet, and sexy as all hell, and I absorbed it, took what she gave me and more. I took until I was struggling to breathe, until she was passed out on the bed beside me bare and glistening and so goddamn perfect my chest hurt.

I stared down at her and it hit me, that feeling, the one that had me reeling when I saw Neco and Ruby together. I’d been wrong, it wasn’t want. It was need. The kind that became all-consuming if you let it. The kind that could change a man’s life—if that man’s life was his own. But mine wasn’t. It hadn’t been mine since I watched two of my best friends killed in front of me. I owed them and I owed their families. My destiny was to go down in the line of fire, like they had, taking as many assholes with me that I could. There sure as fuck wasn’t a woman and kids in my future.

Not anymore.

I didn’t have a future. But Sunny did, she had all of that coming and more.

I had to walk away, and I had to do it now, before it was too late, before walking away became impossible. My throat tightened as I leaned in and kissed her forehead. I didn’t think saying goodbye was an option, not with the way I was feeling tonight. I’d cave, I’d promise to be back tomorrow, the day after. I’d never leave. But when I tried to climb out of her bed, she rolled into me, arm curling around my waist, curling deeper. Her hair was soft against my chest, her breath warm on my skin. Then she shoved her feet, that always seemed to be cold, between mine. She did that a lot. I liked it when she did it. A lot. Fuck, I wanted to hold her back, I wanted to hold her until she woke, then I wanted her all over again.

Get the hell out this bed.

As much as I wanted to slink off in the night, she deserved more from me. This woman deserved everything. And Christ, I hated that I couldn’t be the one to give it to her. I shifted her gently and watched her stir, watched her thick lashes flutter and open.

Then her violet eyes were on me.

I curled my fingers into a fist, to stop from reaching for her. “I’ve gotta go.”

She blinked slowly, still looking sleepy and sexy and perfect. “Okay,” she said.

I had to force the next words past my lips. “I can’t come back, Sunshine.”

Her fingers curled into the covers, and her slender throat worked. “Okay,” she repeated.

Shit. That was all she had? Why the hell did I suddenly feel the need to get some kind of reaction from her? She was making it easy on me, I should be happy—but I fucking hated it. “I can’t give you more, I . . .”

“It’s fine, Zeke,” she said cutting me off. Then she fucking smiled.

It was false as hell.

The idea of not coming back tomorrow night tore me up and that’s exactly why I couldn’t come back. It was not fine. How the hell could she lie there and pretend this didn’t suck, that this didn’t matter, that tomorrow she’d wake up and what? Pretend none of this ever happened? That we never happened?

Looked that way, because she just sat there and gave me nothing. The woman was so closed off. Shit, maybe even more than me. Under that pretty exterior there was a whole lot going on, but she was locked up tight.

“You hide behind that beautiful smile, don’t you, darlin’?” I heard myself say.

She jerked back. “No, I . . . I . . .” She sat up, brushing her hair back from her face. “There’s just . . . nothing to say. We both knew this was casual.” She shrugged a slender shoulder, then started twisting that ring on her thumb. “Now you’re leaving.” Her eyes slid away from me. “You were always going to leave.”

There was so much behind her words. So damn much. Sunny was oceans deep and I’d only seen the surface. I fucking hated that, too.

I should get up and leave now, but I lifted my hand and cupped her face, because I had to touch her one last time. “Woman like you shouldn’t be hiding. Don’t hide, Sunshine.” She didn’t move, just stared at me with those wide eyes as I pulled away and climbed out of her bed.

She stayed there, said nothing as I cleaned up, got dressed, and walked toward the door.

And this time, before I walked out, I didn’t look back.

Sunny

I stared at myself in the mirror and smiled, forcing my lips to curl up on the sides. Why was smiling so hard lately?

I shook my head. I knew exactly why I wasn’t feeling myself. It had been over a week since Zeke had walked out of my bedroom, after he’d delivered parting words that had been on constant loop in my head since. Words that hit far too close to home.

We’d run our course. He’d said he had nothing else to give and I appreciated his honesty. I’d known all along we were on limited time, and I was okay with that . . . well, I thought I was. Maybe somewhere deep inside, some silly wishful part of me had imagined that he might decide he wanted more, that he might want me. I knew that kind of thinking was dangerous, useless. I knew better.

I swiped lip-gloss across my lips and looked into my own eyes. You’re not enough. My ex’s words shifted through my head. Pain sliced through me and I quickly shook it off. Why the hell was I thinking about Richard? We broke up three years ago. Zeke and I had never had a proper relationship. Kids, a life together, had never factored. If I was feeling fragile, I had no one to blame but myself.

I pushed away from the bathroom counter, went back to my room, and opened my jewelry box. I wanted to wear something of my mother’s today. I hated to admit it, but I needed to feel close to someone, even if it was a mother I didn’t remember. I reached for the pale pink velvet pouch I kept the fine, chain-link bracelet in. She used to wear it all the time—well, I assumed she did anyway, since she had it on in most of the photos. I opened the pouch, reached inside, and frowned. Not there.

I lifted the top out of my jewelry case to check out the lower level. Nothing. I moved around my bed, bent down, and opened the door in my bedside table. My safe was in there and quickly entered the combination to open the door. Carefully removing my grandmother’s jewelry, which was very valuable and the reason I hardly ever wore it, I did a quick search. Not in there, either.

Maybe I left it at the shop? But I couldn’t remember taking it off there. I couldn’t actually remember the last time I wore it. I fought off the freak-out threatening. It had to be here somewhere. I didn’t have time to look now, unfortunately. I needed to get to the shop.

I opened up, only fifteen minutes late, and kept myself busy between customers dusting and redoing several of the display cabinets. What I didn’t do was allow myself to think about Zeke. Nope. The way he smelled, the feel of his body against mine, the scrape of his whiskers against my skin—the way he’d sometimes called me Sunshine with that deep Texas drawl of his.

A woman walked in and I busied myself helping her pick out a gift for her sister. She chose a silver and turquoise necklace, one of my favorites. I had one similar and I’d been tempted to keep this one as well, but I couldn’t keep everything I liked or I’d have no stock.

We were making small talk, she was telling me about her sister’s dinner party, how much she was looking forward to it, which got us talking about food, then restaurants. I didn’t really know any good spots because eating on your own surrounded by couples and families wasn’t something I enjoyed. Or chose to put myself through.

She smiled at me and dropped her hand to her belly. It was slightly rounded. “Do you have any kids?”

I blinked at her, somehow utterly thrown by her question.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” she said, obviously noticing my reaction.

“No . . . it’s fine . . . I . . . um . . . I . . .” I bit my lip, then grabbed for the counter as a wave of emotion smashed into me, like a head-on collision out of nowhere, so hard and fast and unexpected, and with so much power, a sob threatened to explode past my lips.

The woman in front of me looked shocked and I didn’t blame her.

Humiliation heated my face at the same time my eyes started stinging. Oh God, I was going to cry.

“Are you okay?” she said.

I needed to stop, but the floodgates opened wider and tears escaped. What the hell was wrong with me?

The woman in front of me stood there with her mouth hanging open.

Mortified, I shoved the bag with her necklace at her. And obviously freaked by my sudden outburst, she took it and all but ran from the shop. I followed and threw the lock on the door then went to the back. Another wave of deep sadness washed over me and I grabbed for the small desk beside me to stop from sinking to the floor. Then I gave up and did exactly that. I don’t know how long it had been since I’d allowed myself to cry, probably years, and now the tears were flowing, there was no holding them back. No stopping it. And for once, I didn’t try. I let it overtake me, the sadness, the loneliness I tried to pretend I didn’t feel.

But God, I was, I was so damn lonely.

I don’t know how long I stayed there—quite a while. When the tears finally dried up, I picked myself up, reapplied my makeup, and opened the shop back up.

And for the first time in a long time, I admitted to myself that I wished I had someone there to ask if I was okay, to offer me a hug. But there was no one, there never had been. I didn’t understand what had come over me, why today for some reason everything got too much and I broke. But I did know it wasn’t going to happen again. I was going to go back to being content, happy in my solitude.

Back to the way I’d been before I met Zeke.

There was no other choice.