Today was Valentine’s Day. I personally didn’t understand all of the hype about the “holiday,” but for some reason it was pretty big around here. All of the husbands rushing around to order flowers for their wives and make arrangements for the evening. I was rebelling against this day. I didn’t need a day to show the woman that I was beginning to fall for my feelings. I needed a lifetime.

Jeremiah, Mason, and I decided that we’d go out tonight since we were all single, but I just wasn’t feeling it because I was worried about Emily. I’d went by her office this morning before starting my shift and found out that she’d taken the day off. That just wasn’t like her. We’d been doing really well since the trip to Cabo. I felt that we were becoming closer even though I knew she was still keeping something from me. I just couldn’t push her. She had to be ready in her own time. I just hoped that she was okay. She never missed work, but I had learned from several coworkers that I had spoken with while in her building that she always takes this day off. I could only wonder what would make her do this, when she didn’t have a special someone to spend it with. What significance did this day hold for her? I could only pray it wasn’t something awful and part of what she wasn’t telling me.

I continued working throughout my shift on the reports that I was behind on. Luckily we weren’t too busy today and didn’t get any new cases in. By the end of the day, all of them were finished and on the Captain’s desk for review. At least the day was productive. I’m glad that I had something to keep my mind occupied because I was worried about my sweetheart.

I’d texted her throughout the day, but got vague responses. I didn’t let on that I knew that she wasn’t at work, but she did reveal that detail to me without an explanation as to why. I hoped that the jokes and funny videos I was sending her throughout the day were cheering her up. I just wanted to see her. She hadn’t said that she didn’t want to see me or that she wanted to be alone, so I made the decision to blow off my boys to see her. They’d understand. They both loved Emily like a sister and wanted what was best for her anyway.

I told Mason before I left for the day the situation and he completely understood. In fact, he encouraged me by saying, “I should go check on my girl.” I just hoped she saw it that way. I didn’t want to invade on her personal space.

After I got home, I quickly showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I wasn’t going to dress up for the occasion since it was obvious she was rebelling on this holiday just as much as I was. I also decided that I would just surprise her. She deserved to be surprised every once in a while even though she hates them.

I got in my truck and headed over to her place. There was a risk showing up unannounced, but I didn’t care. I needed to see her. I was falling for her harder each day and I was hoping that I was finally breaking through her defenses. I texted Jeremiah on the way to see her and told him the situation. Mason and Jeremiah could entertain themselves for the evening. My nerves started to kick in once I’d pulled into her driveway. Would she be mad I just showed up? Would she be happy to see me? Fuck it. I was about to find out.

Getting out of my truck, I gently shut the door so she wouldn’t know someone was at her place. I made my way to the door and knocked. I could hear someone moving around and was hoping that she would be happy to see me. The locks on the door were being turned, so I made myself glance up. When I looked at her, I noticed that there was sadness in her eyes even though she had a bright smile plastered on her face. That was a good sign.

* * *

Pouring myself a glass of wine, I tried to calm my nerves. Today was Valentine’s Day and most people were out celebrating with their loved ones. Me, I dreaded the day. Three years ago my life had changed. I can’t believe that it’s been that long already, but most days it feels like it was just yesterday. A knock at the door awoke me from my thoughts and I wondered who it could be. Checking through the peep hole, I noticed it was one of my best friends Mattie and a smile crept across my face. I unlocked and opened the door greeting him with a smile. “Weren’t you supposed to be on a hot date?” I jokingly asked.

“Yea a hot date with the guys smart ass, but I canceled because I couldn’t stand the thought of you being here alone,” he said with a sly smile.

“Well, come on in out of the cold and let’s get some drinks.”

We made our way through the foyer into the kitchen to make ourselves some and I couldn’t help but be happy that he canceled his plans just to be with me. Even though I was keeping my feelings a secret from him, I could be secretly be happy, right?

“So what’s it gonna be Mattie, tequila shots and a beer or something fruity?” I turned asking him knowing that he would take the manlier choice over the fruity girls drink as he calls them. I was hoping anyways because today of all days I was going to need something strong.

“How about some tequila shots and a beer? You know I don’t drink that girly shit,” he stated trying not to laugh.

“Alright, well I’m gonna get the shots and beers, why don’t you go and pick out a movie, but nothing dealing with romance, we’re rebelling against this holiday remember?” He laughed while walking towards the living room yelling “Horror it is then.”

I was slicing up the limes for the tequila shots and was lost in my thoughts, when his arms came around my waist scaring me. I jumped around screaming “Please don’t touch me. Get away from me,” as the memories starting resurfacing.

Confused, he started to back away slowly while gently saying “Em, it’s me Matt. Sorry for scaring you. Are you okay?”

The sound of his voice broke me out of my trance and was immediately horrified. I clasped my hand over my mouth and looked up at him seeing concern written all over his face. I knew the day would come when I needed to tell him and it looked like that day was sooner than I thought. Grabbing the tequila shot, I chugged it down knowing I’d need liquid courage to tell him about my tragic past. I shot him a smile that I knew wouldn’t be convincing and walked into the other room in search of what I needed to show him the truth about me once and for all. I guess I was admitting my feelings for him sooner than I anticipated.

* * *

When she rushed past me, I started to panic. She had never acted that way around me before. I knew that there was something that she wasn’t telling me and that it was pretty bad since she tensed when others were near, but I thought that she felt comfortable enough around me now. I wanted to give her some space to regroup, but the suspense was killing me. I started pacing the kitchen, but decided that she didn’t need to see my panicking, so I sat down at the table and decided to wait a few more minutes before I went searching for her. About ten minutes went by and just as I was about to go looking for her, she entered the room carrying some sort of file folder. Standing up, I began walking towards her and she stopped. We both looked at each other at the same time and I could see the fear and worry in her face. As I was about to speak, she held her hand up motioning for me to stop.

“I know that you have suspicions about why I am the way I am with people and have built a wall up. After what just happened in here and the obvious feelings that we have for each other that are continuing to grow, I feel that you need to know everything about me before you decide how much further we go.”

She handed me a folder with shaking hands and looked into my eyes. Tears started to run down her cheeks and it killed me inside to not be able to brush them away.

“I hope that what’s in this folder doesn’t change things between us and gives you the answers to the questions that I know you have. If it does change things, I completely understand.” Her hands were shaking as she handed me the folder. Then she turned and ran towards her bedroom.

I knew that this folder contained the key to everything, but a thousand questions were running through my head. Did I want to know the real answers? Would the information change how I felt? Why would she hand me a folder that had all the answers? One thing I knew for sure was that whatever information that it held wouldn’t change my feelings one damn bit. With it still in my hands, I sat at the table and noticed one thing right away. Whatever information that it contained regarded a criminal investigation due to the logo on the front. As I glanced at the name on the side, I noticed that it was for someone named Maci Stevens. Why would she have a folder for this person? Why did this name sound so familiar? I opened it with shaking hands and began reading all the notes from the case. The familiarity of what it contained was starting to come back to me. Maci Stevens was a Gang Specialist, who was brutally raped, by gang members who were none too happy that she was getting close to dismantling their operations. As I continued to turn the page, my stomach turned when I saw the pictures of the attack. I wanted to murder the individuals that did this to her and I didn’t even know this woman. Then one caught my eye. It was one of the woman before the attack and she looked an awful lot like Emily. They shared a striking resemblance except for the hair color. The pieces then started coming together for me. Emily didn’t let anyone in. She had a fear of people touching her. She rarely talked about her past, family, or any personal details. Everything was starting to make sense. Emily Jackson was Maci Stevens. I glanced back at the pictures in the folder and then noted the date of the attack, February 14, 2010. Oh my God. This is why she despised Valentine’s Day and why she was so on edge tonight. With the final piece to the puzzle coming together, all I knew was that I needed to get to her and tell her exactly what I was feeling.

* * *

I can’t believe I handed him that folder. The one thing that I’ve kept to myself since I’d moved here was now known by another person other than my therapist. I knew it was what I had to do. I knew that he would have kept pressing for details that I would never have given him. The guilt of lying to him was getting to me and the feelings that I had for him were continuing to grow stronger. I know I made the right choice by showing him, but I felt sick to my stomach because I didn’t know what the outcome of him knowing all of those horrid details was going to be. I did the only thing that I could do at that time. I finally let the tears fall. I knew that they wouldn’t stop once they started, but these tears that were finally falling needed to be released because they hadn’t been shed since the attack occurred.

I heard him finally start walking towards my room and my heart rate started to accelerate. It was now or never. He would have more than a thousand questions for me and I needed to be fully prepared to answer them. I hoped that since he was walking towards me that this is a good sign. That he’s deciding to stay in my life. That he won’t look at me differently. God please give me the strength to get through this. Please give me the strength to be the woman I was and have become today. These were the only thoughts that allowed my breathing to slow and the tears to slowly start to stop.

The door knob was turning and then he appeared in the doorway. God this man was amazing inside and out. I just hoped that the choice I made makes us grow stronger and not tear us apart. I stared at him through my tear filled eyes trying to judge his. He has always had expressive eyes and right now I needed to see how he feels through them. Studying him, I could see his feelings for me; the love, the caring, the sadness. The only thing I couldn’t see was the pity that I was expecting. God that makes me feel so much better. I’ve had enough with other people’s pity and judgment for what had happened to me and right now that’s the furthest thing from what they were expressing. Now I just needed to find my voice so that I could start to explain the answers to the questions that he was having.

“Mattie, I know you must have thousands of questions running through your mind and I’m going to try my best to answer them. I just want you to know that I never wanted to continue keeping the truth from you. I just could never find the right time to tell you. After my episode earlier and what today is, helped me realize that there never would be the right time and that now is when you deserve to know. You didn’t deserve me freaking out on you and I knew you wouldn’t have believed some half ass story that I would have had to come up with quickly; therefore I knew it was either I show you the truth or I shut you out of my life. The latter choice wasn’t one I could bear to even think about happening, so I showed you the file.”

There. Now that should be a good start. At least it attempts to explain that I intended on telling him the truth eventually. I just hope he doesn’t want details of the attack because the only ones that I have are the facts in that file. My memories haven’t returned yet. The shrink says I repressed them and they may or may not fully return. I’m just tired of them coming back in pieces.

He was starting to make me nervous. He was still standing in the doorway leaning against the frame staring at me. The thing that’s worrying me the most is he hasn’t responded to me yet. I just needed to keep on breathing and take it one moment at a time. Things like this can’t be rushed. He would speak when he was ready.

He stared at me for a few moments longer and then began to speak. “Emily, I know that you never would have lied if you didn’t have to. I’m not mad at you for keeping the truth hidden. Looking through that file explains a lot. It explains why you never talk about your family, why you never talked about your past relationships, why you don’t like people touching you, and most of all, why you kept me at arm’s length. I do have questions, but today is tough enough for you and they can wait. I just want you to know that the information I learned changes nothing. You know that I have strong feelings for you and that I want to see where they lead. I still plan on continuing that. The only question I have for you now is, are you finally able to want to see where this leads as well?”

Oh my God. His feelings haven’t changed. He still wants me regardless of what happened to me. Those fears that I had can finally be laid to rest. I can finally breathe again. Now I just needed to find my voice through my excitement and tell him what I’ve wanted to say for months now.

“I’ve wanted to open up to you for months. You now know why I was hesitant, and I’m not saying that this process is going to be easy, but I want to try as well. My feelings for you are really strong and you had been my rock when I needed one. I want us to both finally be able to show each other how we feel. I want to see where our feelings will take us.”

It felt amazing to finally say those words. I couldn’t look at him any longer. Now I was nervous for some reason. I knew that I was safe with him. I knew that he would never hurt me, but the thought of someone touching me in that way terrified me. I knew that if I was going to try with him that I would have to let him in. With that thought, I had decided that I could at least try and see what happens. I knew that he would stop if I asked him too. It was time that I allowed myself some happiness.

I never saw him move closer. I could feel the heat from his body because he was now kneeling down next to me. He was this close, but it felt like he was still across the room. He gently touched my cheek and shockingly my body responded by leaning into his touch. He was so gentle and loving. He had been so patient with me. Most importantly, he waited for me all of these months. With all of those thoughts running through my mind, I knew that I would have the strength to let this man get closer to me than any other has gotten in the past three years.

Finally, I looked up into those piercing blue eyes. The ones that I have grown to depend on and love. With just one look, he gave me the strength for the words that were about to come out of my mouth.

“I need you to do something for me.”

“I’ll do anything for you. Just say the words,” he said in the gentlest tone I’ve ever heard him use.

“I need you to give me new memories. I need you to help me feel whole again. Please, Mattie. Just touch me. Make me forget their touch and replace it with yours,” I whispered.