Chapter 22

I didn’t sleep a wink that night. Yet, tiredness was the least of my problems in the morning. I was sad. Immensely sad. Over what I’d done to Holden. Over what I may have done to Seth. I’d betrayed them both. I’d betrayed my husband. I’d betrayed Seth by letting him think there could be a future for us. Most of all, I’d betrayed myself. I loved Holden. I loved him with my whole heart. Even though I couldn’t stand him at times during our marriage, I’d love him all my life. I had to tell him the truth. I owed him that much.

Since I took the job in Seattle, we hardly had any contact except for our phone calls every three days. That had been going on for two and a half months now. He held it against me that I’d left even though he’d pleaded with me to stay. But with all the quarreling and arguing that had made up our relationship in the weeks and months before I left, what choice did I have? I’d convinced myself that the distance would be good for us, that it could save our relationship. And maybe it could have—if I hadn’t made the greatest mistake of my life.

I met Seth after work. I had to clear the deck before calling Holden. I waited in a small café by the water. Seth came ten minutes late.

“Sorry, I couldn’t get out right away,” he explained.

He wore a dark-gray suit with a gray tie that day. He looked incredibly good. Like an ad for men’s suits.

He sat opposite me. “What’s up?” He smiled in anticipation.

“Last night . . .”

“What may I get you?” the waiter interfered.

“You’re drinking water?” Seth asked, motioning toward my glass.

I nodded.

“A Diet Coke,” he finally ordered. The waiter nodded and walked away.

“So?” Seth returned to the topic.

I took a deep breath. “Last night was . . . it was . . . incredible,” I revealed. I owed Seth being honest. It had been incredible. Probably exactly what I needed.

“It was,” he agreed with a smile. His voice sounded calm. He knew that wasn’t all. But he just waited for what I’d say next and observed every one of my movements.

OK, short and painless—like tearing off a Band-Aid.

“It was a mistake.” My voice trembled.

Seth looked straight into my eyes. Every muscle in his face tensed. His look was unfathomable. I swallowed the lump in my throat. The tears would soon begin to flow.

“I’m married.”

Seth looked serious. “You were last night,” he replied drily.

What was I supposed to say to that?

“I’m sorry, Seth. You gave me yesterday what I so urgently needed.”

“And that was? A pecker?!” he retorted angrily.

I looked at him sadly. “No. Someone to hold me firmly in his arms. Someone to lean on. Someone who shows me he desires me, who’ll go crazy when he can’t kiss me on the spot,” I sighed quietly. “I imagined a thousand times what it’d be like to sleep with you. I regretted all those years we never did it when we had the opportunity.” I shrugged. “If we’d met again earlier, I’m sure it would have happened earlier. I think it was inevitable. At least, on my part. I wanted it. I wanted you. And it was wonderful.”

Seth lowered his eyes, and I knew he regretted what he’d said.

“But I love Holden,” I continued as my lower lip trembled. “So much my heart would stop beating if he weren’t in my life anymore.” A single tear ran from the corner of my eye. “I’ll love him all my life. Now I know that.”

Seth raised his head and looked at me. There also were tears in his eyes.

“One Diet Coke. Here you go.”

That waiter’s timing . . .

“Thanks,” Seth mumbled without looking away from me.

The lump in my throat was getting bigger. The floodgates were about to open.

“I don’t know what this night meant to you . . .”

“What do you think?” he interrupted me harshly.

“I don’t know,” I repeated. “But I’d like to thank you for being there for me when I thought I was all alone in the world.”

He looked at me undeterred, shrugged, then let his shoulders drop. “How can I counter?” He didn’t expect an answer. He was silent for a while, then laughed bitterly. “I was such an idiot to believe destiny brought us together.”

I picked his hand up from the table.

“But it was destiny,” I assured him as the tears began to run down my cheeks.

“I never forgot you. Not in all those years. I’m grateful to the universe that our paths crossed one more time.”

Seth gave me a tired smile. “Man, you still know how to take the wind out of my sails.”

“You’re a wonderful person, Seth. I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart for the shit you’ve had to bear in your life. You can’t imagine how much I hope you’ll find a woman who’ll appreciate you.”

He blinked away tears.

“Any woman should consider herself fortunate to have you by her side.”

I got up, walked around the table, took Seth’s face into my hands, and kissed him. One last time.

“It’s beautiful that you exist,” I said as my tears dropped on his face. Then I left and didn’t look back.