CHAPTER TWO
Max has finally lost count of the beers he’s had, and he really thinks it’s a good thing. The pub at the end of his street had looked a tad more inviting than his own empty apartment, so he’d ducked inside and taken his preferred seat out of sight, at the very end of the bar almost three hours ago now and was slowly beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol. He’d shut off his phone after annoying messages and calls had interrupted his fucked-up train of thought, not interested in the slightest in friends, family, or whoever the fuck else was trying to reach him this afternoon. Max is not easy to piss off, but it’s happened now: he hasn’t felt so powerless and frustrated and downright angry in a very long time, possibly going back to his high school years, which sucked royally, so it’s saying things. He gestures to the woman behind the bar to get him another beer, and she cocks a questioning eyebrow at him.
“It’s only eight o’clock, darling,” the woman suggests. “What have you got planned for the evening – total wipe-out?”
“Preferably,” Max says, and he’s not even slurring. Damn.
“Well,” she smiles and moves to get him another one. “All right then. But knowing you…” she adds, and they lock eyes. Of course, they know each other, he frequents Lana’s pub when he is in London, considering it’s about a hundred yards from his front door. “Getting you sufficiently drunk is going to take a long while, so why don’t you just call her and get it over with?”
Max must laugh, a harsh and slightly sarcastic one, but at least he’s laughing.
“That bad, huh?” the woman mutters, placing his pint in front of him. “And it doesn’t even make any sense – who wouldn’t want you?”
“I’m just as obnoxious as the next punter, Lana,” Max assures her, and this time his smile isn’t as ugly. “And not as tall as I look.”
They both grin at that, and she winks at him before going to the other end of the bar to help someone else.
Lana helped him breathe a little easier at least, and Max pulls his phone out, scrolling through his messages, feeling a fresh wave of frustration when hers is not among them. Then again, he hadn’t truly expected one to be there. She would call him, not text. Max can feel his stomach twist into knots when he thinks about her calling him; about if she would even do that and how she would sound and what they would say. The fact of the matter, of course, is that he isn’t only angry at her for slamming the proverbial door in his face, but also at himself for closing it literally back at her place. Max had wanted to stay, wanted to talk to her, be as near to her as he could possibly get – with or without the physical contact. Just to listen to her voice or watch her mouth or her hair or her smile – it had been enough during all those months before he finally kissed Stella; he wished it could still be enough now.
So sure, Max had been fuelled on Dutch courage, all excited about her joining them at their local pub for once, and he had struck a deal with himself that it would have to be that evening for him to make a move. He couldn’t have been reading the signals so badly, could he? She felt something for him as well. Yet, it was a gamble, and he’d needed the alcohol in his system to drape his arm around her shoulders. Stella never told him to keep his hands to himself, though, once they were walking, and it was all he needed to know.
They’d just got the news that Max had won the promotion and everyone went out to celebrate. Stella had something up her sleeve though, she knew that if she didn’t get the promotion she was going elsewhere. She had worked extremely hard the last fifteen years to secure that spot for herself. He knew of her secret plans, they had to call someone to verify her employment and get a recommendation. He dreaded the moment he’d have to say goodbye for real because it would mean being away from Stella as well – forever. They would see each other at the product launch, at networking functions, at and maybe even at the odd award ceremony if this thing would take off, but those would just be moments; nothing, really, compared to the many weeks he had been in Stella’s company when they were still working together – having her almost exclusively to himself near the end.
In short, Max needed to act, and that was precisely what he did that night by walking her back to her hotel room, trying to pick up on her signals, on the looks Stella would throw him as they walked or what she would say as soon as they’d arrived at her hotel. But he hadn’t misread anything, because Stella kissed him back with equal force once they were inside her room, and god, did she want him – the way Stella undressed for him, no questions, no doubts, nothing. They’d fucked like there was no tomorrow, or at least to Max it had felt like the most natural thing in the world like he belonged with her and only her and those twenty years didn’t exist at all.
But of course, they did, and there was a tomorrow and the doubts, and the questions came flying in its wake. It had taken him every last shred of his determination to face her on the final Monday of their project. Max was grateful for the hours he didn’t have to spend close to her because she had effectively made him feel like a little boy who shouldn’t assume, even though her objections had sounded reasonable at the time.
They had kissed once more at the bar after a celebratory drink, which gave Max something to hang on to as he was about to face the lonely months ahead. Stella had walked up to him, drink in hand, tears brimming, and she had pulled him outside into the enclosed garden of the hotel where the party was being held, and she hadn’t said a word – just kissed him. Stella had allowed him to pull her close, really close; to thread his hands in her hair; she had curled her tongue around his, and he’d gone rock hard on the spot.
“I don’t want you to be angry,” Stella had whispered hoarsely as they broke apart. “I can’t walk away tonight knowing you’re angry with me. I…” She trailed off then, and he remembers the brightness in her eyes, the little sparkle that’s usually there just for him. Stella had brushed a finger across his cheek. “Don’t be angry, my love,” she whispered, tears still brimming, before repeating the words he didn’t want to hear; the same words she’d sent him off with a week before, and again he had nodded, numb with the kiss still burning on his lips and the hypnotic look in her eyes.
And then Max had spent two agonizing weeks in his apartment, unable to eat, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about her. The understanding dawning on him with overwhelming force that he had fallen for a woman who was not sticking around but who had stolen his heart, and he wanted her, no matter what the consequences. Then there was a week that had almost taken his mind off her – apart from at night when sleep still wouldn’t be his ally – and he had almost cursed out loud when they were asked to come back to sort a few project issues. On the train ride home, he knew it would lead him to today. To the day he would look her up, visit her place, refuse to be treated like a boy any longer. And even though all he wants right now is to get so drunk he can blot out the hurt for a little while, at least their brief get-together on her rooftop terrace taught him exactly what he needed to know to keep from flying apart: Stella is just as in love with him as he is with her.
“Max?” Lana’s voice pierces through the fog, and he drags his mind back to the present as he puts his glass on the counter.
“Hmm?” Max asks, shaking his head a bit, trying to focus on the brunette behind the bar.
Lana just nods in the general direction of the door, and he turns in his seat.
Well, fuck me…
“That her?” Lana asks, eyebrows almost in her hairline, mindlessly polishing a glass that needs no more polishing. “She asked for you.”
Max ignores her, just gets off his seat and walks over, not even that unsteady on his feet.
“I can’t stand you being angry with me,” Stella quietly repeats the words that just went through his mind – as soon as they’re close enough. “I rang at your place, decided to try here or go home again and face a sleepless night.”
“Come on,” Max mutters, grabbing his coat from the rack, pulling money from his wallet and dumping it unceremoniously on the counter, throwing an it’s all right over his shoulder when Lana points out it’s way too much.
They don’t talk as they walk a hundred yards to Max’s front door, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. They don’t talk on the stairs to his second-floor apartment. They don’t talk when he takes her coat and finds a spot for it, putting his own right on top of it, disappearing into the kitchen to make himself some coffee.
“I snuck your address off Andrea’s list, you know the one hanging in HR?” Stella giggles, coming up behind him, and she sounds embarrassed by her own confession.
“So, did I,” Max admits straight away, not turning to look at her for fear of jumping her bones, which is the last thing he wants to do – scare her away again. Instead, he grabs the edge of the counter and watches his knuckles go pale.
“This is an awfully nice place you’ve got here,” Stella observes, moving past him, staring out of the kitchen window.
“Central.” She picks up a random book from a pile in the sill, studying the title. “Expensive.”
“Saved some,” Max mutters in explanation as he shuts off the coffee maker and lifts his mug to his mouth, finally daring to turn around now his heart has stopped hammering, and he feels like he has a little control over the situation again. “Want some too?”
Stella shakes her head as she utters a quiet no, thank you, and he finds himself staring at her mouth. “Can we sit down?” she asks then, looking around. He walks out of the kitchen and into the living room, and she takes a seat on the couch in the bay window, smiling as she takes in the chaos.
“It’s not usually such a mess in here,” Max says, lowering himself on the armrest of the couch, sipping his coffee.
“No?” Stella asks and smiles again. Max shakes his head briefly and looks out of the window. Stella doesn’t have to know what his life’s been like these past weeks since he arrived home. It’s clothes strewn around that he can’t be bothered to pick up, to clean and fold away. It’s magazines and books and other random shit that kept his mind off her for at least a few minutes. It’s too many empty cigarette packs because even though he knows he should cut down, Max is nursing a bruised heart and it is not nearly the right time. Stella doesn’t yet have to know he likes to live in a neat, clean place where things go in their proper place and where it’s possible to breathe. He doesn’t want to explain the mess because he doesn’t want her to know the extent to which he’s allowed her to be responsible for it.
“We need to talk – again,” Stella says and reaches out to touch his knee.
Please, don’t do that.
“Or more precisely,” Stella amends and looks up at him. “You need to talk, and I have to listen.” She pats his knee before pulling her hand back. “I haven’t been listening - only talking. I do that sometimes when I’m scared of losing control.”
Max nods, drinking more coffee.
“So,” Stella says slowly. “Talk.”
“You already know what I am going to say,” Max shrugs. “You don’t want to hear it.”
Stella snaps her mouth shut and he wonders if this will turn her away from him.
“I’m here now…” she tries after a little while.
“Well… we’re still in different stages in our career,” Max starts, and a remnant of his anger is surprisingly clear in his words. He swallows hard, deciding not to take any prisoners. “That’s never going to change.”
“Very true,” Stella agrees and smiles at her feet. “Why would you possibly want me?”
“I’m not going to grace that with an answer,” Max mutters and looks away.
“Seriously, Max,” she speaks up. “Don’t you think you should focus on your promotion? There’s no denying that we like each other but I must make my final decision by the end of the week and I can’t do that if you keep stopping by. And what if we do this – get together – try it? What if we end up loving each other, building a relationship, getting hooked on each other? Did you ever stop to consider how that’s going to affect your work? You won’t going to be able to give you any promotion I deserve. Everyone will think you only got it because of our relationship. I don’t want you holding me back. We are still in the prime of our life. There’ll be other women, that aren’t going to mess stuff up, and that’s when you’re going to regret this.” She waves a hand in between them. “Us.”
Max stares at her, searching her eyes for the longest time. Then he cracks a smile.
“So that’s what worries you?” Max finally asks, putting his mug on the floor.
“Among other things, yes.”
“You really do like to be in control, don’t you?” Max wants to know and deliberately slides to the floor, bumping his knee against her foot – looking up at her instead of down. “Planning things in your mind – for years ahead if possible, with every little detail covered… Is that why you’ve been single for so long?” Max knows he’s treading on dangerously thin ice here, but she said she came to listen, so he’d better put all his cards on the table. He can tell the same thing is going through her mind because she closes her mouth just when she was undoubtedly going to say something to express her indignation at his words.
“You may have some sort of a point there,” Stella accedes in the end, throwing him a sheepish smile. “Still, no kids, Max.”
“Who says I want them?”
“Oh,” Stella smiles. “You’ll want them.”
Max bristles at the undercurrent of condescension in her words. “I’ll take the risk.”
“But then I’ll be dragged into your risk as well,” Stella throws back at him. “Because you’ll leave me when things don’t pan out when you decide you want them after all.”
“I might leave you anyway,” Max spits, annoyed. “You never get lifetime assurance, Stella. Don’t tell me you have you never been dumped before?”
“Oh, I have.”
“Well, so have I. You deal with it, and you move on.” Max pulls his knees up and wraps his arms around them.
“That simple?”
“No, it fucking hurts,” Max remembers the last time he ended up with the shards of something that he thought he’d wanted to last forever. “But I’d rather hurt after I had something amazing than be dull and alone because I’m scared of the pain.”
“So now I am dull?”
“No, you’re amazing,” Max shoots back straight away. “Just give it a chance, will you? So, what if it hurts afterward, if it doesn’t work out? You won’t die.”
Stella moves to sit cross-legged on the hardwood as well, prying his arms away from his knees, opening him up. When they’re looking at each other, she bites her lip and smiles softly at him.
“I don’t know about that,” Stella says, so quietly it’s almost a whisper. “I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I think I am quite in love with you already.” She moves closer, cups his face in both hands. “I don’t know what I’d do if you ever left me.”
“I might never leave you,” Max says, taking her hands in his own, placing them in his lap. “Or maybe you’ll get enough of me before that. Off to find another boy toy.”
“Max!” Stella smacks his knee with force, and he barks out a deep laugh.
“So…” Max says, dragging out the word, settling down again. She looks at him, and he can tell the little sparkle has returned to her eyes. “You’re in love with me then?”
Stella chuckles. “I thought it was obvious.”
“Just checking.”
“Just checking, my ass. You like to hear me say it; you want to hear me say it.” Stella laughs and kisses his cheek, doesn’t resist when he wraps his arms around her waist. She reaches up and nuzzles his neck. “It’s been a long time since I felt so strongly about someone,” Stella whispers and her words stir something low in his belly. “I think about you a lot.” Her breath is moist and sticky in his neck. “And I mean a lot.”
Max chuckles, bringing a hand up to cup the back of her head, keeping her in place.
“I think about seeing you naked,” Stella continues, her voice still nothing more than a whisper, and he knows she must stop saying these things if she doesn’t want him to jump her bones after all. What the fuck are you doing to me? “About touching you. I think about that one time we gave in and how good it felt.” Stella has rested her cheek against his shoulder, and he’s thoughtlessly carding his fingers through her long hair.
“Now if it’s that good,” Max says gently, pulling her closer, trying his best to ignore his thumping heart – his hardening cock. “You still think it’d be wrong for us to do this?”
“I’m scared of getting hurt.”
“I get that now.”
“I‘ve been hurt more than you,” Stella says, planting a kiss at the underside of his jaw. “I’ve been around longer.”
“Twenty years,” Max deadpans, nuzzling her hair.
“Exactly,” Stella agrees, and he can hear her smile. “And I can’t do friends-with-benefits, or whatever you guys call it these days because I’m far too attached to you already and we most likely still have to work together for at least a few more years.” Stella pulls away, looking into his eyes. “Let’s not forget about that tiny little detail, shall we?”
Max makes a face but knows she has a very valid point there.
“So?” he asks. “It’s all or nothing?”
“I’m afraid it is.”
“Stop saying you’re afraid,” Max mutters. “Why are you so convinced that whatever we can have has no future? Do you really think I haven’t thought this through? That I haven’t asked myself these questions? I have spent months trying to resist these feelings I have for you – because yes, there is something awkward about falling in love with my boss. But I didn’t seduce you that evening just so I can dump you again whenever it suits me.”
“I know,” Stella says. “And I do take you seriously, Max; please don’t think I don’t.” She sits up straighter and kisses him again, her lips lingering on his this time. “See?” Stella smiles, brushing a finger across his bottom lip. “I can’t do it half-heartedly. If we do this, I’ll want all of you.” Stella kisses his lips again, pulling away when he opens his mouth slightly, wanting more, his breath coming in shallow bursts.
“Or we go with the alternative,” Stella continues, matter-of-factly, and he’s stunned by her change of gear – close to cursing her if she doesn’t start delivering at least some of the goods.
“Which is?” Max struggles not to sound as breathless and annoyed as he feels.
“Complete radio silence.” Stella shrugs. “There’s no other way. Because, think about it – when we are around each other we’re going to show either very much or very little resistance, it’s going to be a long or a short wait – but ultimately we will end up fucking each other senseless.” She giggles when he groans.
Will you stop toying with me?
“Don’t say such things,” Max growls, and he knows she can see his arousal, growing by the second now that she’s noticed.
“It is rather flattering, though,” Stella murmurs, running a finger across the back of his hand, not looking him in the eyes. “You wanting me so much.”
“Well, apparently it’s not enough,” Max mutters grumpily, sitting up on his knees.
“You know as well as I that there’s more to a relationship than sex.”
“Oh, is there?” Max asks, one eyebrow raised in mock-astonishment, and they grin.
“And people will talk,” Stella continues, moving back to sit on the couch again. “Thought of that? Office gossip? HR inquiry, even?”
“Let them talk,” Max shrugs. “Martin suspects anyway, he knows me too well. And I never returned to the pub last month, did I? No one asked any questions, but I’m sure they have a pretty good idea as to what happened. As for the office gossipmongers… They’ll have to catch me first.”
Stella laughs. “I have to admit you’re pretty good at evading them.” She pulls him up to sit by her side. “But gossip could hurt your chances at getting that promotion” Stella blocks the words in the air with her hands, her eyebrows raised in expectation.
“Then I don’t want it!” Max pouts.
“Max!” Stella says, exasperated.
“Then so be it,” Max concedes, trying not to shrug it off. “And I have nothing to be embarrassed about because at least we’ll be together, and I’ll have the most amazing woman to ever walk into my life by my side. They can go fuck themselves.”
“Now that’s a very twenty-something thing to say.” Stella kisses him once more; chastely, on the cheek.
“Want to get some dinner?” Stella asks, standing up. “All this debating and arguing and thinking has made me hungry.”
“I’m not going anywhere just yet,” Max mutters again, and she can barely contain her laughter when he points a casual finger at his lower regions.
“Order in then?” Stella suggests, laughing for real this time. “Oh, god, Max,” she snorts, “I’m so sorry.”
“What do you mean, you’re so sorry?” Max shakes his head, a dark cloud in his mocking eyes. “With your kisses and your breathing in my neck and your words, telling me all kinds of filthy things that are much better left in the bedroom… What did you expect?”
“I’m sorry,” Stella repeats, sitting down next to him on the edge of the couch, trying to stifle more laughter. “I really am. It’s just that… well, that’s exactly what you bring out in me.”
“That’s rich coming from the woman who just told me there’s more to a relationship than sex,” Max mutters. Then he makes up his mind not to take no for an answer any longer and pulls her in with his hand in her neck, kissing her deeply, moving to lie down. Stella doesn’t fight it like he expected; instead, she covers his body with her own and reciprocates. It causes him to grow even harder, and he pushes his hips up against her.
“See my point?” Stella breathes erratically in between hungry kisses.
“Stop making your fucking points,” Max curses and yanks her t-shirt up from her skinny jeans, pushing a hand underneath to cup and squeeze one of her breasts, shivering when he hears her moan. “I’m sick and tired of your points.”
“But I am right, aren’t I? It’s either this or nothing,” Stella pushes on, bending her back just enough to be out of reach of his mouth. “Put us in the same room, and ultimately we fuck, or we decide we don’t fuck which means we can’t see each other – we’ll have to stay away from each other.”
“Good point,” Max agrees to short-circuit the discussion and moves to sit up, bringing her along with him. He slips out from underneath her and stands, hoisting her off the couch in strong arms, marching them straight into his bedroom, ignoring her surprised little shriek. “But right now, we are in a room together so now we fuck.”
Unceremoniously, he Stella her on the bed and immediately straddles her hips, unbuckling his belt. “More points to be made after,” Max announces before leaning in to claim her mouth again.