Chapter Twenty-One

For the first time in her life, Noelle had a space of her own, and she took great satisfaction in turning it into a glorious, cluttered mess.

Dallas had offered her the run of the dusty storage room, which had proved to be packed to the ceiling with furniture undoubtedly acquired through dubious means. Some of it was as elegantly understated as anything in Lex's rooms, and Noelle had avoided every piece that could have possibly belonged in Eden.

Instead, she chose the outrageous and the downright outdated, pairing a massive four-poster bed with a sleekly modern couch and a delicately carved vanity from a previous century. The colors clashed even more when she buried the furniture in mismatched pillows and threw her clothes over every surface with rebellious glee.

It wasn't a stage set for seduction. It wasn't anything approaching stylish. But it was hers, from top to bottom, and the ability to close the world away on the other side of that door was a revelation.

Of course, the mess made receiving visitors awkward. She'd just finished braiding her hair when the door rattled under an abrupt knock, and she had to yell, "Give me a minute!" before gathering up an armful of new lingerie and shoving it into the closet.

Breathless, she wrenched open the door to find Jasper standing there, a paper-wrapped parcel under one arm. "Hi."

Just that. Just hi, and even after two weeks apart, his voice hit her in the gut and left shivers in its wake. It made her own voice husky. "Jasper. Hi."

His gaze traced her face, and he swallowed hard. "Can I come in?"

Only Lex had been past the threshold of her new domain, but if she denied Jasper access, she'd feel craven. Stepping aside, she held the door open. "It's a little messy. I had a late night..."

"Working. I know." He walked in and paused in the middle of the room to look around. "It's nice."

"Thank you." She didn't want his approval. Didn't want to believe it was sincere, and didn't want the warmth it kindled in her belly. And if she told herself that enough times, maybe it would become true.

"It looks like you," he murmured, then looked down at the package in his hands. "I brought you something, because we need to talk."

"All right." Once she'd shut the door, she shoved aside a stack of clothing on the couch, clearing a space for him. "You can sit, if you want."

He stopped her with a hand on her arm. "No, I'm okay."

The weakness inside her threatened to crack open and swallow her whole. She wanted to melt into his touch, melt into him, and God, it was supposed to get better. She eased her arm away and turned to the side table. "Do you want a drink, then? I have whiskey and rum."

"I was wrong," Jasper blurted. "Rachel's right--I'm a dickhead."

Noelle froze. "I'm sorry?"

"I shouldn't have tried to make you go back to Eden." His brows drew together in a stormy frown. "You were miserable there. Why the hell would you ever want to go through that again?"

She was so surprised by his words that she responded with the truth. "I wouldn't. I didn't."

"No shit." He held out the parcel. "Take it. I got it for you."

She closed her fingers around the package out of reflex, the brown paper crumpling in her grip. "Jasper, you don't need to do this..."

"I want you to give me a chance," he said firmly.

Her heart lurched painfully. "A chance at what? What do you want?"

His fingers tangled in her hair, but relaxed and slipped away without closing. "I want you."

How many times had she heard those words in her dreams, memories mixed with a yearning fantasy that left her empty and wanting? "You had me," she whispered, clutching the package. "And you didn't just let me go. You shoved me away."

Jasper nodded. "I did. I'm sorry. I think..." He looked away. "I didn't believe you were mine."

"I was." She watched his profile, drinking in the sight of his face when she knew her next words might drive him away. "But I'm not anymore. I belong to myself, and I'm not going to give that up casually again."

"I know. I don't expect you to. That's what the..." He gestured to the square package. "I got that."

Since he was watching her expectantly, she had no choice but to edge a finger under the wrapping and tear it open. Inside was a framed painting every bit as intricate as the one hanging in Lex's spare room, if half the size. Staring at the swooping brushstrokes, it was impossible for Noelle not to think about Lex, stashing gift after gift in a room full of baubles because Dallas kept trying to buy her affection.

The painting must have cost a fortune, but money was easy to come by as an O'Kane. A couple weeks of dancing had taught her that. "It's beautiful," she began, rubbing her thumb along the beveled edge of the frame, "but I don't need--"

"It's for Ace," Jasper cut in. "But you need to have it. Hang on to it 'til you're ready for us to make the trade. If you get ready."

Her confusion only deepened, though suspicion stirred in her gut, the first whisper of anticipation. Surely he didn't mean-- "Trade for what?"

All his attention was focused on her mouth, and he stepped closer. "He won't take money for that ink," Jasper murmured, lifting his thumb to her throat. "Not for marks."

Marks. Jasper's marks. She shivered, and this time her nipples tightened, along with the rest of her body. Arousal sizzled both at the touch of his skin and the thought of a claim as permanent as the one wound around her wrists. Dallas had shown her the strength of that claim. Not many things were sacred in the sectors, but ink was a promise.

A promise Jasper was offering.

"You want to mark me?" She had to ask the question because she had to hear the words from his lips, blunt and unmistakable.

"I want to mark you." He drove his fingers into her hair again, and this time he nearly crushed the painting between them as he bent his head and captured her lips in a blistering kiss.

It was everything she'd been missing and more. The strength in his grip, the hot slide of his tongue, the way he worked her mouth open with strokes that demanded with steely gentleness. She wanted to give in, to bend to his unspoken command and glory in the bliss of submission.

She might have, too, if she hadn't felt the familiar flicker of shame. If she buckled now, the doubt would always be there, the knowledge that she'd betrayed herself out of fear and insecurity. She needed time, and she needed him to want her enough to fight for her.

Or wait for her.

It took every scrap of self-control to pull away. "I need to think," she gasped, which wasn't the most graceful way to say it, but if she didn't get the words out, she'd kiss him again and be lost.

He chased after her and licked her bottom lip. "Think. Yeah, all right."

She hadn't realized she'd been braced for frustration or anger until he gave her neither. "You're sure? You--you'll wait?"

He was panting, heavy breaths falling warm on her cheek. "All things considered, it only seems fair." Then he smiled. "I'd wait even if it wasn't."

The wicked curve of his lips rocketed her heart into her throat. So much promise. So much beautiful, filthy promise, and she couldn't stop herself from asking. "And if I say yes? How far will you take me?"

"As far as you want to go," he whispered. "No, all the way. I'm finished with limits."

It was her turn to stare at his mouth. She wanted to claim his lips, to kiss him again, just once, and if she did, she'd never stop. "I'll think," she said, stepping back before she could do something reckless. "I promise."

Jasper took a deep breath. "Think. Then come talk to me."

Holding the painting against her chest as a shield, she nodded. "I will. But you should go now."

"Because you don't trust me to keep my hands to myself?"

He was teasing her, and that was the part she'd missed most of all. Her lips twitched, and she had to fight to press them into a stern line. "Of course you will. You may not have noticed, but I've learned how to say no. Thanks to Lex, I'm getting pretty good at it."

"I've noticed." He rubbed his knuckles over her collarbone.

Noelle batted his hand away. "I'm saying it now. No, Jasper. I need time and space." Mostly because without the space, she'd never make herself take the time--but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of admitting it. O'Kane men were already universally overconfident.

His discontented rumble melted into a sigh, and he held up both hands. "I'm going. You know where to find me."

She nodded, clamping down on the surge of panic that threatened. Watching him walk away would hurt, but she needed him to go. She needed to trust that he would come back. "I'll see you around."

He paused at the door, his hand on the knob, and smiled at her. "We're bound to run into each other, Noelle."

It was dangerous to tease, but she couldn't resist. "Especially if you keep showing up for my acts."

"It makes for a damn nice view, I've got to give you that." Jasper pulled open the door but paused just over the threshold. "Sweet dreams."

Noelle smiled in return, but when the door closed behind him, she collapsed onto the bed, cradling the painting in both hands as his words echoed through her mind in an endless refrain.

I'm finished with limits.

Oh, she'd have dreams all right, but sweet wouldn't begin to describe them, and he knew it.

She'd wanted him to fight for her. What she should have realized was that Jasper would fight dirty. I want to mark you. Not a fling. Not an affair, or even a collar. She'd wanted commitment, and he'd upped the ante. Everything, forever, if she could trust him.

If she could let herself trust him.

»»» § «««

Two days of thinking brought no clarity, though Noelle had endured what felt like a month's worth of restless nights, drifting in and out of heated dreams in between long hours watching candlelight flicker across the ceiling. More than once, she'd almost rolled from the bed in search of Lex, but Lex...

God, it was disloyal to even think it, but Lex couldn't help her. Not with this.

One person could, which was why Noelle waited until Flash left to run an errand before knocking on the door of the suite he shared with Amira.

The petite brunette opened the door while stifling a yawn, and she waved Noelle inside. "I was wondering if you'd come around to see me."

"Does everyone know?" Not long ago, the thought would have made Noelle self-conscious, but now it only seemed...inevitable.

Amira shook her head as she waddled over to the couch, the curve of her belly more pronounced now than it had been just a few weeks earlier. "Secrets in a place like this? Never happen."

Noelle hovered until Amira was settled comfortably, then dropped beside her with a sigh. "I tried thinking on my own, but there's so much I still don't understand. And usually I'd just ask Lex, but..."

"But if she had it all figured out, she and Dallas wouldn't be at each other's throats half the time?"

"Lex has a lot of things figured out," Noelle replied, fighting the twinge of guilt. "I don't think surrender is one of them."

Amira waved that away. "Eh, goes both ways. It can't be on one person's shoulders. Give and take--that's what it's all about."

Noelle gestured to the ink swirling across Amira's throat. "Is that how you knew? The give and take worked?"

She seemed to consider that for a moment. "No, not really. I barely knew Flash was interested in me and suddenly, there he was, asking me to be his. All I really knew was that he'd do everything he could to make it work. I figured if I did the same, we'd be all right."

No clarity to be found there. Noelle sighed and slumped lower on the couch. "I've always wanted to give Jasper everything. The only thing that's changed is the reason why I'm afraid."

"So why are you afraid?"

Even admitting it made her chest ache. "He hurt me."

"Oh, Noelle." Amira's voice was filled with sympathy but tinged with wry humor. "He was a jerk, and he made a mistake. That's going to happen."

Her gut clenched as she thought of Dallas, pushing Lex until she lashed out and hurt herself. "All the time?"

"Of course not," Amira assured her. "But no one can hurt you more than someone you love. So I guess you have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk."

Noelle rubbed the heel of her hand over her breastbone, as if that would soothe the pain that lingered in her chest. "Does it make us weak to forgive them?"

"No. Real forgiveness is damn hard, and you have to be strong to do it." Squinting, Amira tilted her head. "It's different from bowing down and taking shit from someone who treats you like crap."

"I was good at that. It's all I've ever been good at." She studied Amira for a moment, but her gaze was drawn inexorably to the ink, the mark around her throat that said she belonged to Flash, and Flash belonged to her. "He wants to mark me," she whispered. "He brought me this painting... Something Ace would want, I guess. He said he'd wait for me to decide."

"Okay. What do you want?"

"I want him. But I want to be sure that..." Trailing off, she reached for Amira's hand. "There's a middle ground, right? Between taking shit and turning into Lex and Dallas?"

Amira hesitated and then shook her head. "You lost me. I can't put those two things on a spectrum because I don't see the connection."

"The way they argue--" Noelle dug her teeth into her lip and tried to give voice to the uncertainty inside her. "Sometimes, watching Lex... She never stops pushing back against him. It makes me wonder if I'm weak for not wanting to fight all the time."

"Oh, sweetie. That's just Dallas and Lex. Maybe they'll get better when they figure out their shit, and maybe they'll always be that way." Amira shrugged. "Maybe they love it, who knows? You and Jasper aren't them."

No, they weren't. Lex had helped drag Noelle out of the numbness of her old self, but that didn't mean Noelle had to walk the same path. Even Lex might not want her to--that was what this newly acquired freedom was, after all. A chance for Noelle to decide who she wanted to be.

Which stripped away one set of worries, but left the same nagging hurt, the one she could bury in words and excuses and rationalizations and never drown.

Jasper had hurt her. Whether through good intentions or carelessness, it didn't matter. He'd crushed something fragile, and while doing it had damaged her trust. She couldn't close her eyes and believe that he'd always know what she needed, that he'd always be there, giving it to her, no questions asked.

But maybe it had been the wrong sort of trust. Open, passive trust, the kind that was reckless to give and easy to shatter. The girl who'd been thrown through the gates of Eden had trusted blindly because she hadn't had any other choice. That kind of trust meant as little as one more yes from someone who never said no.

This time would be harder. She'd have to trust Jasper, knowing he was human. Knowing he could hurt her, even when he didn't mean to. She'd have to trust that he'd do his best, and make amends when his best wasn't enough.

She'd have to trust herself to tell him when she needed something he couldn't possibly know to give.

"You're right," she whispered, squeezing Amira's hand. "Forgiveness is hard. And scary."

"Hell yeah, it is. But what's the alternative?"

"Being without them, I guess."

"Yeah." Amira dropped her head to the back of the couch and grinned. "And that's definitely not worth it."

Noelle laughed. "No, they have their appeal. Even when they're grumpy. Maybe especially when they're grumpy."

"Mmm, that they are."

"So. Speaking of worth it..." She flashed Amira a smile. "The fighting is awful. How's the making-up part?"

Amira shifted onto her side and wrapped one hand around her belly. "I'm three miles wide and look like I'm smuggling basketballs, and you're asking me this question?"

"You look beautiful. You look happy." Noelle pressed a hand to Amira's. "That's why you're the one to ask."

It made the other woman blush. "I haven't figured out any grand, cosmic secrets, Noelle. I love Flash. This is where I want to be, that's all."

It might not sound profound to her, but to Noelle it was a simple, beautiful truth. All that mattered was where she wanted to be--in the sectors, with the O'Kanes.

With Jasper.

He wasn't the only one who had to be willing to fight for it.