Joss

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I don’t even know how long I sat on that couch, playing that stupid but fun video game. It was so dumb, but so fun. Relaxing. Easy. I wasn’t in a shelter or a bus station, or on a bench in a park, or in an alley trying to rest while keeping one eye open. I was just…hanging out with people who seemed ready and willing to simply accept me. Bring me into the fold.

I want this.

I want this kind of atmosphere all the time, and these people around me. A sense of home. A sense of family, a sense of belonging.

But I don’t. I don’t belong here, and I don’t belong with them. This was just an accident, a situation brought on by a freak storm. I’m just biding my time here.

And Lucian?

I don’t even know what to think about him. Every time my mind goes there, I shy away from it, unable to think about him, or how he made me feel.

It’s too raw, too real, too scary. Too much.

It’s not meant for me. I don’t know what to do with it, with him, with my feelings for him, which are developing so fast. These thoughts are so intense and I’m not in the least prepared for any of it. Meeting someone like Luce was the last thing on my mind when I arrived here in Ketchikan in the middle of a blizzard.

I’d tapped out of the game and Bax had taken over for me, so now I was sitting on the couch sandwiched between Bax’s enormous, hard-as-marble bulk and Corin’s long, lean frame. The boys were all shouting insults at each other as they killed or died in the game, talking smack and jostling each other. In the bedroom, down the hall, the girls were shouting strings of profanity at each other and then cackling—playing Cards Against Humanity, it sounded like, with the baby, Jax, providing baby babble commentary at the top of his little lungs. Brock, Zane, and Bast were in the kitchen where Brock was refereeing an arm-wrestling contest between the other two, where again, there was a lot of shouting and cursing and good-natured smack-talking.

The noise in the apartment was deafening and overwhelming.

My emotions were raging, my heart was hammering, my hands were shaking, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

Where was Lucian?

I couldn’t see him—my initial instinct was to find Lucian and let him calm me down, and somehow, I knew he would. This instinctual need for and trust of Lucian only added jet fuel to the flames of my anxiety.

I shot to my feet, unearthing myself from the pile of elbowing, shouting Badd males, and made my way around the couch and toward the hallway, trying to remain at least visibly calm while I sought somewhere to catch my breath and get a grip on myself. There was a bedroom door open across the hallway from the room the other women were in—it looked vacant, the bed neatly made with a blue down comforter and a couple of pillows. Judging by the orientation, I guessed it would overlook the city, but I could see nothing through the window except a wall of howling, blowing, drifting white snow. It was nominally quieter in here, so I sat down on the bed, threw back my hood, and cradled my head in my hands, trying to catch my breath and calm my nerves.

I left the door open; through the doorway and across the hall to the other bedroom, I had a direct line of sight to Dru, sitting cross-legged on her bed, sideways, her back to the wall, a pair of black and white cards in her hands, with Jax on her lap wiggling and shouting nonsense and trying to grab either the cards or Dru’s fiery red hair, or both at the same time. Dru glanced at me, and then held my gaze. Her grin turned to a carefully blank expression, and she played her last two cards before handing Jax over to someone else and sliding off the bed.

She crossed the hall and hesitated in the doorway, one hand on the doorpost. “Hey. Care for some company?”

I didn’t, really, since I’d come in here to be alone, but I didn’t say that. “Sure.”

She swung the door closed all but a few inches and sat on the bed beside me. “Overwhelmed?”

I nodded. “Yeah, a bit.”

She laughed. “Our tribe is…a lot. Especially if you come from a small environment.”

I focused on slow, deep breaths. “You come from a small family?”

Dru nodded. “Yeah. My mom left Dad and me when I was eleven, and he raised me by himself. But he was a cop—he’s retired now—so he was gone…pretty much all the time. I was a pissed-off and confused eleven-year-old who took care of myself most of the time.”

“That’s rough,” I said.

She shrugged. “It was just Dad and I after that. He never dated again, and I never trusted again, so I was alone a lot. I mean, I had friends, but no one I really trusted down deep.”

I searched her open, kind green eyes. “You married Bast, though.”

She nodded, smiling. “He’s the first person I ever really let in. And let me tell you, it’s been a hell of an adjustment, going from living on my own, holding my own counsel, no real friends to…” she waved at the apartment, “to this. Of course, I was the first to date one of these big, rough, gorgeous hunks of Alaskan beefcake, so, except for me, there was literally zero estrogen around here until Zane snagged Mara.”

“Do you trust her?”

“I do now. I didn’t at first. I mean, we were friends, sort of, but more out of necessity than anything else, being the only two women in a family of eight men all living under two roofs and working in the same bar. We were thrown together, in a way. Thank god we got along right away, but did I trust her right away? No, of course not. I was still working on really, truly trusting Sebastian. That shit takes time, you know?”

I picked at the edge of the duvet cover. “What do you mean you were ‘working on trusting Sebastian’? You either trust someone or you don’t.”

Dru’s smile was gentle. “See, I disagree. And I say that having thought the same way my whole life.” She pointed toward the kitchen. “I knew I loved that man, like fucking hard, but loving someone and truly trusting them aren’t the same. I loved him, but trusting him—and I mean, like, living with him all the time and letting him see my vulnerabilities and trusting him to compromise when we fight and all that? That’s a process. You don’t just have that, you have to build it, and that takes a step of faith.”

“Oh.”

Dru laughed. “‘Oh’, she says.”

I sniffed, a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh, but almost. “I don’t know. Sorry. I’m just…I got stuck here because I fell into the water and then the storm escalated, and no one seemed to think it was safe for me to leave. And after the walk here from the other apartment, I agree about the safety. But I’m just stuck here, and you guys are amazing and fun and so fucking loud, and kind of crazy, and a lot overwhelming, and you all seem to think I’m here now, like somehow I’ve been adopted or something, and I’m just—” I stopped before I said something really dumb.

Dru just gazed levelly at me. “You just want to get out of here, because you’re overwhelmed and your fight or flight reflex is kicking in.”

“I guess.”

“Where are you going to go?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I never know. I was heading west for Alaska, and now I’m here, and I don’t know anymore.”

Dru’s gaze sharpened. “Are you backpacking? I didn’t see a real backpack, like for hiking the PCT or something.”

I squirmed. “I…um. No, I’m not a backpacker. I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just…going.”

“Drifting, you mean.” Dru hesitated, opened her mouth, stopped, and tried again. “Joss, I don’t mean to pry, because god knows how I used to feel about people asking me personal questions, but…do you have anywhere to go?”

I shrugged again. “Um. I’ve been…I’ve been on my own for a while. I’m fine.”

“Joss.” She shifted closer on the bed. “I’m asking, do you have anywhere to go?”

“I said I’m fine,” I snapped. “I’ve made it this far. I started in fucking Nova Scotia and fucking walked here, so I think I can survive Ketchikan.”

Dru sighed, and let the silence build for a few minutes, thinking. “So that’s a no. Nowhere to go back to, and nowhere you’re really trying to get to.” Her eyes met mine. “You’re drifting.”

“Yeah, I’m drifting,” I said, hot, sharp, spiky emotions rising inside me. “I’m not a goddamn hobo, though, okay? I’m not going to steal your fine china or anything.”

Her eyes narrowed. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah, well, that’s how it sounded—you’re drifting, like there’s something wrong with it. It’s the life I’ve got, okay?” I heard my voice rising and couldn’t stop it. “I’m homeless, is that what you want to hear? I’m just choosing to spend my life going somewhere rather than sitting on a street corner somewhere begging for spare change, or turning tricks for somewhere to sleep at night.”

The door opened, then, and Bast’s massive, six-foot-four-inch frame filled the doorway, darkening it. His thick, ropy, tattooed forearms were crossed over his thick chest, and his dark hair was messy, a strand hanging in one eye, weeks of scruff that didn’t quite make a beard darkening his craggy jawline. Jesus, the man was sexy, in a rough, brutal, menacing sort of way. He stepped in, kicked the door closed behind him, and leaned against it, scrubbing a hand through his hair.

“Bast, baby, we’re talking,” Dru said, her voice sweet but firm.

“I heard you.” Bast’s ursine brown eyes flicked to me. “Heard you say you were homeless.”

“Fuck me,” I groaned, tugging on a dread. “Should I make a fucking announcement so everyone knows they’ve got a transient in their midst? Hide your purses and wallets, it’s a homeless girl!”

“Joss, shut up.” His rumbled order took me by surprise.

I frowned up at him. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.” He lifted his chin, gazing evenly down at me. “I said shut up. Means shut up and listen.”

I glared at him. “This had better be good, you big macho fuckstick.”

The corners of lips quirked in a stifled grin. “Only my wife gets to call me that.” He slid down the door to a squat. “We got a lot of people in this crew, you may have noticed—”

“No? Really? You think?” Sarcasm couldn’t have dripped anymore thickly from my words.

Bast just quirked an eyebrow at me, jaw ticking, and I promptly shut up—this clearly wasn’t a man to ignore.

“But recently, we’ve had a lot of shifting around in living situations. Brock and Claire have a place; Bax and Eva have a place, and Zane and Mara have a place, which just leaves the two sets of twins, Luce, Xavier, and me and Dru. Canaan and Aerie are touring most of the year, so they don’t need a permanent room, which takes them out of the equation.”

I made a face. “For a grunty orc of a man, you sure are talking a lot. Get to the point.”

He continued like I hadn’t spoken. “We’ve got six bedrooms between the two apartments—and only four rooms are being used right now. It’s the first time since everyone came back that we’ve had more rooms than we do people staying in them.” He tapped the floor between his huge, wool-socked feet. “This room’s empty.”

My heart started to pound. “What’s your point?”

“Point is, we own both buildings free and clear, no rent, no mortgage. The bar is pulling a profit. And we got extra bedrooms.”

“Don’t bullshit me.” I blinked hard.

“I don’t bullshit.” He waited until I met his eyes. “This room is yours. No rent, no utilities, no nothing. You wanna work, we always need help downstairs, and I’ll pay you average restaurant wage. You want to get a different job, whatever, fine with me.”

I swallowed hard. “I’m not—I can’t…”

“Don’t have to be homeless, Joss.” For such a large, gruff, imposing man, his voice was shockingly gentle as he said those six little words, and then hardened again. “You wanna walk away when the storm clears tomorrow, be my guest. But you’ll be walking away from a roof, a bed, and safe place to figure your shit out, free and clear.”

“I don’t take charity.” I managed to get it out through the knot in my throat and the conflict in my head and heart.

“I look like a fuckin’ philanthropist to you?” he snarled. “We got space, you need space—problem solved.”

“It’s not that easy—”

“It can be,” Dru said. “If you let it.”

I blinked hard, swallowed again past the burning lump in my throat. “I…um.”

Dru stood up, patting me on the shoulder. “Take your time. Think about it.” She reached down, took her husband’s hands, and hauled him to his feet. “Come on, you big sexy lummox. I’m gonna kick your ass at Mario Kart.”

They left me alone and when they were gone, the door closed behind them, I slid onto my back on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling.

Sebastian had offered me a place to live. No conditions, nothing. Just…hey, stay here for a bit. Get your life together. Figure things out.

Could I do it? Should I? I’d been drifting, traveling for so long I wasn’t sure I knew how to stop. Previously, I would sometimes stop for a few days here and there, sometimes a bit longer if it was a good situation, but I always worried about overstaying my welcome. And besides, being a US citizen loose in Canada without a visa…well, staying put in one place too long risked drawing attention to myself. I’d have landed back in the States, but I didn’t want to deal with any difficulties so it was easier to just keep moving, work for cash, and keep my head down.

Keep moving; don’t trust anyone. That was my mantra.

But it’s a free room! A bed to sleep in every night. A safe place to actually live. I could stop drifting and start working toward opening The Garden. How could I turn that down?

Plus, if I stayed here, and Lucian was at the other apartment, I’d be less likely to get myself mixed up with him. Which would be a danger and a distraction I didn’t need. A temptation I didn’t dare give in to.

I tried that once, and nearly didn’t survive the experience. No thanks, not doing that again, no matter how nice and kind and sexy the guy may be.

But I could stay here. I could get a job. Save money. And maybe, eventually, find a little spot, put a down payment on it, and work on opening my own place.

It doesn’t have to be here—after all, I’ve seen nothing of this town except snow and water. But I could pause here, take time to breathe, to feel safe, to put money aside and formulate a plan for opening the cafe.

The thought of actually living here brought tears to my eyes, which I couldn’t stop. I didn’t try—I was alone, I was safe, so I could indulge in a little emotional weakness.

Although, the last time I’d indulged, Lucian had caught me with my hand in my pants, and had watched as I’d had my first orgasm in…well, since that four-day stretch in a little cabin near Thunder Bay—an older couple had picked me up on ON-17 outside a little place called Hurkett, and they’d taken me to their rustic little “resort” on Lake Superior. It was a handful of ancient, tiny log cabins with decor, appliances, and electric wiring from the Eisenhower era—or whatever the Canadian equivalent would be—but it was cute and quiet and quaint. They’d let me stay there in exchange for helping them catch up on some maintenance chores. They’d fed me, let me watch TV in their main house, talked to me, and told me to stay as long as I wanted—clearly they were lonely and missed their grandkids or something like that. They were sweet, and I started liking that little cabin a bit too much, so I’d moved on. There’d been one other person staying at those cabins, a guy in his midthirties, alone. Muscular, bearded, attractive. We’d spoken a few times, and he’d been nice enough. Then I went outside late one night, unable to sleep, and had caught a glimpse of him diving naked into the frigid water of Lake Superior. I’d gone immediately back inside, but my imagination had gotten the better of me and I’d given myself an orgasm.

That was the last time.

Until today. And today was…utterly unlike that previous time.

Today was…shit. SO much more than that. I’d NEEDED to release the insane pressure kissing Lucian had incited in me. Just thinking about him, about that kiss, about walking in on him in the shower got me all jittery and flustered and made my pulse pound.

And when I think about him catching me touching myself? Yeah, there’s embarrassment there. But beneath it? There’s something else. I don’t dare examine it too closely, though. And when I’d found him in the music studio, it had been clear what he’d seen had affected him, too.

I’d affected him.

In a huge way.

I snickered at my own mental joke, because if he’d been big when he was about to get in the shower, the glimpse I’d gotten of him aroused, confined in his jeans…well… that left me short of breath and a little delirious.

Why am I thinking about Lucian? I’m not supposed to think about Lucian.

Or his penis.

Or his lips, kissing mine.

Or his eyes, when he looks at me like…like I’m something amazing, something he desperately wants.

Fuck, there I go. I’m going in circles, thinking about him, getting caught up in him.

From ONE kiss.

What if there was more…more kisses, or more than kissing?

NO.

Nope.

Don’t go there, Joss. Remember Toronto? Remember Rob? That’s what happens when you let a cute guy get too close, when you let a sexy smile and pretty eyes lure you in.

I let my mind drift.

I tried to imagine living here. Having Canaan and Corin around, Dru, Bast, Bax and Eva, all the others. Waking up to coffee, maybe sitting around with Dru and just chatting.

Not walking through the night on a deserted highway in the middle of nowhere, or sleeping under an overpass during the darkest, coldest hours of the night. No more sleeping on a bench in a bus station, or dozing in the corner of a library, a book on my chest to make it seem like I’d come in for a book and had merely fallen asleep. No more accepting rides from truckers and hoping they were nice. No more begging midnight shift waitresses to let me wash dishes for leftover food.

The thought of not having to go back to that choked me up all over again.

I thought about hitting the road again. Catching a ferry from Ketchikan to wherever…and just continuing to drift. Is that what I want?

My mind and my soul recoiled at the idea.

No. A hundred times, no.

I didn’t have to stay here forever, but I knew I couldn’t hit the road again with the same kind of drive and determination. At least not yet.

Some part of me was insisting I stay here, and dammit…I just wanted to.

I just have to keep myself uninvolved with Lucian.

Something told me that would be easier said than done, but I had to try if I wanted to stay here a while longer.

But a man that sexy, a man with that much power to lure me in with a look, a touch, a kiss, was a man who stood between me and staying here in Ketchikan.

I had to keep my distance.

Yeah…right, a tiny voice deep in my heart whispered.