Eighteen
My cheeks burned and my palms sweat as my new psychiatrist’s retort echoed in my mind. Dr. Keith’s expression looked more challenging than questioning as she held her pencil to the pad of paper on her lap.
Did I think my relationship with Leo was healthy?
From the very start, it’d been unconventional. Leo even labeled it as such, but that didn’t mean it was unhealthy. We’d vaguely talked about my feelings of shame surrounding Warren. I’d never felt pressured by Leo to engage in any play we’d explored. I didn’t feel controlled outside of our sex life and I didn’t regret a single thing we’d done. And yet, there was something still brewing below the surface. My feelings for Leo were almost too intense—too wrapped up in the sway he had over my body and the window he had into my mind. One look from him left me quivering. His smoky voice held me spellbound and delirious. And his touch—rough or gentle, bound or freed—possessed me like nothing else in this world.
“I’m not sure,” I croaked.
“Why not?”
I gulped. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s him or me but…it’s like as much as I want it to just be as good as it seems, there’s a shadow between us. Something holding me back.”
“Holding you back from what?”
The sound of my blood trudging through my veins swarmed my head as I breathed deeply. “From falling completely in love with him.” I whispered the word I’d never said aloud in reference to Leo.
“Do you think it’s lingering feelings for your ex?”
My brow furrowed and I glanced out the window on to my right, watching a massive tree blow wildly in the wind. “No.”
“Lack of control?”
I scoffed and shook my head. “No.”
Unstable and moved in every direction, yet rooted deep in the soil with little to no chance of crashing to the ground, I was that tree and Leo was the wind. He led as we danced and just when I thought I’d break from the bend, he’d steady me. Just as I’d imagined, his power had transformed me. Shedding my leaves, he left me no weaker, only bare.
“Do you trust Leo?”
I unglued my eyes from the captivating tree and fixed them back on Dr. Keith. “Yes. I trust him.”
“Sloane, I’m hearing apprehension, but I can’t figure out what it’s linked to. It sounds like the intimacy between you two is strong. Extreme, albeit unorthodox. The fact that you opened up to him the way you have is impressive in terms of communication among partners. Sloane…are you sure you haven’t already fallen in love with him and the shadow you’re talking about isn’t your anxiety holding you back from admitting that?”
Tension racked my face, my jaw, and in between my shoulder blades. The same pain I used to feel when waking up from my stressful nightmares seemed to ripple through me, reclaiming its position the instant she made the suggestion. I cinched my bottom lip between my teeth and glared at Dr. Keith. Her face fell and she jotted something on her paper before offering me a pained smile.
“I’m sorry, Sloane. Our time is up. If you talk to my secretary on your way out she can schedule your next appointment,” she said. “I think it’s important you come back so we can continue this.”
I blinked away tears and nodded, pursing my lips as she stood to usher me out of her office. As soon as her door closed, I bypassed the secretary and headed straight for the elevator. Pressing my back against the wall as it lowered me to the ground floor, I felt my chest heave. I filled my lungs with air, held it while I shut my eyes, then exhaled. With the release, I felt the tension in my body melt.
I needed to see him.
Our last night together had been unlike any other night we’d shared after our scene at the store. Leo took me home and held me in his arms in my bed as the lullaby of his heartbeat rocked me to sleep. Nothing more. The potency of our energy exchange left me drained and yet filled with a passion I’d never known possible. I was still coming down. The following morning, I woke to find a note from him and a pot of coffee already brewed and waiting for me. He had to go into the store and it was my day off. Waking up alone felt strange. Waking up to the scent of him on my pillows felt heartbreakingly precious. It was then that I knew I was in trouble. That I did belong to him.
I’d called Bryon, hopeful he would be able to analyze me enough to help me. God love him, he told me I needed a shrink. At first, I laughed, but by the time we’d hung up, I was frantically scrolling through internet listings of psychiatrists in the area. Dr. Keith was able to get in me the following day early in the morning—before my shift at the store.
Stunned by the revelation and still angst-ridden about what it all meant for the future, I exited the elevator in a fog and drove to the bookstore, sure that seeing Leo’s face would put it all into perspective.
I parked my car, glancing at my eyes in the rearview mirror. What had I been so afraid of all this time? Leo pushed me to new heights. He imposed a new sense of self in me. I’d stopped painting myself with a scarlet A and began remembering what it was like to love myself. I’d tossed that manuscript full of dark memories and sickening guilt out, turning the page on the past. It was a prologue at best.
Another breath flowed in and out of me, lessening the last bit of stress in my lungs, and I headed inside. The bell rang above the door and I searched the space for Leo. My brow furrowed when I noticed no one sitting at the front desk and the door to the closed office. The store looked abandoned and I was about to call out, when I heard a giggle.
The sound came from the children’s section where two bean bag chairs and a small table and stools had always sat for kids to lounge in. I took one step then paused. Leo descended the stairs and when he saw me, he grinned. His teeth stamped his bottom lip quickly then he drew a finger to his lips.
“Ready or not, here I come,” he hollered.
Another tiny laugh snuck out from the children’s section and I watched as Leo tiptoed his way over, glancing back at me every few steps with a wide smile. I swallowed thickly and took in yet another facet of him. Leo snatched up the red bean bag chair and a squeal rang out as he dropped to the floor, laughing like I’d never heard before. I could only see the top of Leo’s hair, the rest of him hidden behind the small table.
“Gotcha!”
“Wonkle Leeee-ooo,” the tiny voice whined through a fit of giggles.
My heart seized in my chest when Leo lifted his eyes, catching mine as his face barely peeked out from above the kids’ seating area. His beaming smile and mussed hair captivated me in a brand new way. Leo drew in a deep breath that seemed to brace him as he looked back down.
“Hey, buddy, wanna meet my friend?”
Just like always, Leo had seen consent in my eyes. I didn’t want to hold back any longer. I didn’t want to be afraid of moving forward with him. I wanted to shine light on the shadow and allow myself to fall. Leo rose and when he looked at me, his brow lifted barely—an attempt at asking me if it was okay. I smiled and nodded as he came around the kids’ table. Glancing down to the boy whose hand Leo was holding, I resisted the urge to sigh. Cherubic cheeks and a mop of chocolatey curls on his head, Barry was as cute as I’d imagined.
“Barry, this is Sloane,” Leo said.
I instantly crouched down to his level and smiled. “Hi, Barry. It’s really nice to meet you.”
Doe eyes matching the color of his hair widened and met mine as a shy, crooked grin formed on his lips. “Hi.”
He barely resembled Leo but parts of him looked so familiar to me, it made my heart ache. The shadow all but vanished when the thought of a child that looked a little like Leo and a little like me chased through my mind. Slowly, I stood, facing the man with whom I’d just envisioned having a baby.
The softness in Leo’s gaze struck me and I melted under his touch as he reached out, cupping my shoulder and drawing me near. He pressed a kiss to my cheek and I shut my eyes in an effort to feel it deeper in my heart.
“I hope this is okay,” he said against my ear.
I hummed a response and knew he understood my concerns had faded. There was nothing to fear with Leo. Holding back from something this good, someone this amazing, was idiotic. Every step on the next rung of the ladder had been a faltering one for me. I tripped every time Leo changed the script on me. But this time I needed to let go and know that I wouldn’t plummet to some terrifying place, I’d fall into the most wonderful spin of my life.
“Bear? We gotta go, buddy.” A woman’s voice caught all of our attention and we collectively turned to where it had come from. In the doorway of the office stood a petite young woman with long dark hair and Leo’s same stunning blue eyes. Though fatigue seemed set in them, she was beautiful. She walked toward us and I mustered a weak smile. “Hi,” she said tentatively.
“Mommy, that’s Miss Sloane,” Barry said in his little mouse voice.
I peeked down at him and grinned, earning a bashful look.
“Oh,” his mother said, drawing the word out, forming her lips in circle as her eyes lit up. “You’re Sloane.” She glanced at her brother then extended a hand to me. “I’m Marie. Leo and Oliver have told me a lot about you. It’s great to finally meet you.”
I pulled in a sharp breath and took her hand. I knew the ferocity with which my sister and I both cared for each other and I could only imagine what Marie was thinking as she looked at me. What all had Leo told her? He’d always been three steps ahead of me after all.
Marie’s eyes flicked to Leo’s, a silent exchange about something of which I wasn’t privy.
“Did you get ahold of him?”
She pursed her lips and shook her head. “It’s fine.”
Leo huffed and dug for his wallet, pulling out a twenty and handing it over to her. Marie stared at it for a second. I was sure my presence didn’t help the awkward negotiation.
“He’s going to need lunch, Marie,” Leo grumbled. “And Mom and Dad won’t be here until late tonight.”
Marie’s jaw stiffened and she glanced down at her son then back at her brother before snatching the bill from his fingers. I saw Leo’s brows lift slightly, directed at her, and she let go of a sigh.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Leo dropped down into a crouch beside Barry and the tension on his forehead vanished as a smile covered his face. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the park for the festival,” he said, ruffling a hand through Barry’s brown curls. “I heard there’s going to be a petting zoo and carnival games. And lots of cotton candy.”
Barry put on a crooked smile and peeked up at me again. “Will Miss Sloane be there?”
Leo tossed his head back with a laugh then looked down his nose at his nephew. “You little flirt,” he said. “Ask her yourself, Romeo.”
I laughed and nodded when Barry stared up at me. “I’ll be there,” I assured him.
Leo shook his head, chuckling at the way Barry eyed me. I glanced at Marie and saw her zoned out, staring at a spot on the floor in front of her. Leo cleared his throat and her head snapped up.
“Okay, bud, time to go,” she said. She reached for her purse behind the register as Leo grabbed Barry’s jacket from the coat rack and helped him put it on, zipping it all the way up to his chin. Leo held out his hand and Barry slapped it once before holding his hand out for Leo to slap.
“Peace out, bean sprout,” Leo said.
“Bye, broccoli head,” Barry retorted.
Laughter bubbled past my lips and I lifted my hand to cover my mouth. Leo shook his head and waved as Marie took Barry’s hand and led him out to the car. As the door shut and sound of the bell dissipated within the store, we both stood staring out the window at them.
“Do you want children?” he asked.
“What?”
“I mean…eventually.”
“I, um—” My brain and mouth fought each other, cancelling out one another as I struggled to reply. It was all I’d ever wanted, but I’d denied any fantasy of that future so many times I had to remind myself of the truth. “Yeah. Someday.”
Leo turned to me. “I never considered it until I moved in with them. Those few years helping her made me realize I’d like to be a father. Someday.”
I swallowed hard and kept my eyes on the sweet curve of his lips. “You’re great with him.”
He smiled wistfully as he looked out the window once more, watching Marie pull out of the parking space in front of the store.
“I missed waking up beside you.”
The change in Leo’s tone sent a shiver down my spine and set a dreamy grin on my lips. We turned simultaneously and I watched his brows dip down, knitting together in the center as he took two steps toward me.
“Are you okay?”
I love you.
I didn’t say it, but my mouth fell open and my eyes widened as though I had. Leo smiled and ducked his head closer to me. Staring up at his eyes and the sooty rim around them from his thick lashes, I felt heat rush through my body. My heart seemed to pause while he scanned my face, trying to read me, and my skin puckered with goosebumps when his hands found my waist.
“Cat got your tongue?” he asked, cocking one brow. Since the second I met him, I noticed the way sex permeated off of Leo. It radiated out of every fiber of him, setting the world around him a little brighter. Even when he was sweet, something smoldered behind it. His brand of sweetness was that of cherry; some bites were going to be tart, but every bite was luscious. With his hands on my hips, his soft but purposeful grip on my body, and I love you still swimming around behind my eyes, I wanted nothing more than to surrender to him. A chain reaction occurred in my mind as everything drifted into place. Every wall crumbled, every barricade circumvented. Leo’s pleasurable torture tactics and invasive intuition had caused me to flourish—my life, my spirit, and my heart.
My hand slowly rose to stroke his face and he seemed surprised. Grazing my eyes over every inch of his face, I committed the moment to memory. The moment I let myself leap then fall. My fingers drifted down his jaw and settled on his chest where I stared for a moment.
Leo’s hand appeared in front of my face and he snapped his fingers, the sound popping through the store. I instantly looked up at him and dropped my hand to my side.
“Say something,” he said. “You’re scaring me.”
I realized then I’d been silent for too long. Off alone in my mind where I recounted every one of his actions that had eventually earned not only my submission, but also my adoration. I gulped and straightened my shoulders, keeping my eyes locked with his.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
The fingers that had snapped in front of me spread and slowly skated over my jaw. He held my chin with two fingers and his thumb while he examined my face. I couldn’t say the words that had sparked in my brain. I couldn’t tell him about the emotions currently drowning me. But I could thank him the way he thanked me every time he donned those black gloves. He thanked me for letting him own my body for a moment. I had to thank him for possessing my heart.
Silence flowing between us, something repentant tinted Leo’s expression before he brought his lips to mine. His soft mouth covered my bottom lip and a rhythmic dance began. Two hands cupped my cheeks, keeping our lips fixed on one another. Closing my eyes, I drank in the taste of his tongue in my mouth and let love blaze inside of me.