Chapter 23
Lying in bed the next morning, Bishop had Jenny tucked up against his chest, one arm slung over her shoulders as he drew lazy circles over the scar on her back where the Megalya implant—that had been inside of her for years—had been removed. Last night had been the best night of Bishop’s life, and he felt so damn grateful knowing that it was the first of many. Knowing that though, he also knew he wanted to start off with a clean slate, which meant telling Jenny everything.
“Do you forgive me?” she asked quietly.
One side of his mouth lifted with the realization that she awake and had been lying in his arms stressing too about how they’d started out.
“You never said the words to me.” She continued. “You told me that you love me, but never that you forgive me. I need to hear it.”
He sighed heavily and pressed his lips to her forehead before answering. “I realize now that I couldn’t forgive you, Jen, because I couldn’t forgive myself.”
One dainty hand flattened on his chest as she shoved up to look at him. “Bishop, I told you what happened that first time we were together in the infirmary was my fault. I don’t blame you for that. I never have.”
“I’m not talking about that.” Drawing in another deep breath, he steeled himself for the revelation. “You know I’ve got three older brothers?”
Jenny nodded and relaxed back against his body, “And one younger sister.”
“All my brothers are soldiers,” Bishop continued, looking down to stare at the satiny skin on her shoulders. “All three of them have been in the military for some time, and it was always someplace I couldn’t follow them. My whole life I emulated them, wanted to be them. When they each joined up, I knew that’s what I was gonna do too. I was gonna be a man just like them.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No,” he shook his head sadly. “I didn’t.”
Jenny’s tone was soft when she asked, “Why Bishop? Why didn’t you follow your brothers into the military?”
“I couldn’t. When I was fifteen, me and my best friend, Billy, were down at the creek behind the house. We were horsing around, swimming and shifting. Seeing what animal forms swam the best.”
He knew if Jenny could see them right now that his eyes would be haunted. “It was early June and black bear hunting season had already started.” He shook his head. “We weren’t hunters, just dumb kids, so we didn’t know.”
He felt Jenny suck in a sharp breath like she knew what was coming.
“Billy shifted to bear form and was standing up on this cliff we liked to dive off. I’d just gone, so I was making my way out of the water when rifle shot cracked the air.”
He rushed out the rest because he knew he’d never get through it if he didn’t. “He looked right at me, and everything froze. At first, I didn’t know what was happening and then a second shot rang out. Something hit Billy, and as he stood there looking right at me, pieces of him blasted out one side. He didn’t even blink, just went down. I screamed and ran to him, but it was too late. When those hunters came into the clearing, whooping and congratulating each other, I lost it. I raced toward ‘em, and they both stopped, staring at me confused. They didn’t even get the chance to react before I shifted and attacked. My mountain lion, small as it was, killed them both.” He shook his head once. “I killed them both, and it didn’t matter because Billy was gone.”
Jenny’s eyes flooded with tears, “Bishop!”
“My parents and brothers found us and cleaned up the mess. The papers said the hunters died from an animal attack and hunters and game warden’s flooded our land for weeks. Lots of innocent predators died, but even after months it still wasn’t over. I got PTSD. Didn’t know what it was at first. I’d just wake up screaming and sweating. Sometime’s I’d shift, sometimes I wouldn’t, but I always attacked. No matter who woke me or who was around, I always attacked.”
He turned his head away in disgust as he glared at the wall. “Ma still has scars on her arms and neck from me. I wasn’t safe to join the military because I was a liability both to whoever was around me and to Skin Walkers because when I was asleep, I couldn’t control my shifts. I was useless. And all through adolescence and into adulthood this shit plagued me. I couldn’t shake it. When I came to StoneCrow, I thought I’d found my place, but… ” He let his words die off.
Sighing sadly, Jenny answered, “But then me.”
He swallowed hard. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m just saying that initially when I thought you didn’t want me that it fucked with my head. It was me not being good enough all over again.”
“You’re more than good enough,” she interjected leaning up and capturing his jaw with one hand to force him to look at her. “Actually, you’re too good for me, but I’m a selfish bitch, and I’m keeping you.”
He smiled, but it slowly faded as he turned serious again. “When I started having trouble sleeping due to the affliction…”
“Oh God, Bishop!” She tried to shove up, but he held her clamped firmly to him.
“I thought I was getting worse. I was so damn relieved when RedKnife told me about the affliction. Then, when I found out about your nightly ritual, the bad dreams you had, I can honestly say that I saw myself in you. I learned, through you, how to care for someone dealing with that. You taught me to learn to take care of myself. Seeing you go through it taught me that it wasn’t my fault. You taught me that I wasn’t fucked up. I couldn’t be, because you weren’t. Being captured and tortured wasn’t your fault. Just like me being traumatized by my best friend’s death wasn’t my fault. What happened to me was fucked up. What happened to you was fucked up, but we aren’t fucked up. Because of you, I’ve made peace with myself. And because I’ve made peace with myself, I haven’t had a night terror since I found you on the floor at my cabin in your make-shift cage. Sick as it sounds, seeing you like that fixed me, and I’d be a cruel, selfish fuck to not forgive you. I get why you did it now. You’re a protector, Jen. A doctor, a fixer. You wanna make the world right and no way can I fault you for that, woman. It’s what makes you perfect.” He pulled her in and kissed her lips as her eyes filled with emotion. “It’s what makes you mine,” he breathed against her lips. “And you are mine, Jenny Arkinson.”
He grinned when he felt a shiver course through her at their mingled names. “I’m keeping you from this day until the end of my days.”
“Until the end of my days,” she repeated against his lips and then melted against him, opening her mouth and inviting him in even as she straddled his hips. When she slid over him, he caught her hips before she could take him inside her. Shocked, she opened her eyes and looked at him in silent question.
“I love you, Jenny.”
She didn’t smile when she answered, “I love you, Bishop.”