Mason
“Dammit,” I mumbled as I headed down the stairs.
I hated this feeling that I had towards Cassie, because I knew it could only bring trouble. When I warned her to stay away from me, it was my way of protecting her. Yet, I knew she saw it as a way for me to play the asshole card. That wasn’t it at all. I just needed to get my own emotions in check.
I needed some fresh air and stepped outside to take some in. I met Diesel on the porch. He was deep in thought and I didn’t want to bother him, But he looked up, caught my eye and smiled.
“Hey man!” he greeted.
“Hey,” I mumbled.
I needed someone to talk to. But I didn’t know how to get my feelings out there, without sounding like a complete loser and jerk.
“What’s going on?” he laughed. “You look like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders.”
He had no idea.
“Nothing really,” I said. I leaned against the banister on the porch and turned to him. “Just thinking in general.”
Diesel nodded. “So… You have woman problems, do you?”
I snickered and didn’t deny it. Was I so transparent?
“I don’t know what to do, man,” I started. “I wanted to cut these feelings off before they started, but somehow they just seemed to creep up on me. And, yes, I do have feelings for Cassie, and I don’t know how to shake them.”
Diesel scrunched up his nose as his forehead creased. Then he finally gave his two cents.
“Why do you have to shake them?” he asked.
I arched an eyebrow.
“Well, there’s a couple reasons. First off, this wasn’t supposed to end this way. I wasn’t supposed to fall for this girl. Hell, I wasn’t supposed to fall for any girl.”
I felt a heaviness in my chest, and the thoughts that were causing it were of Dana. It had killed me to lose her like that, and I didn’t want to have to risk going through that again.
“I’m terrified of getting too close to another woman because of what I went through with Dana. I don’t want to run the risk of losing her like I did Dana. So, it’s really just best this way.”
“But sometimes love is worth the risk. Don’t you believe that?” he asked, surprising me, because Diesel was normally all about a quick fuck and asking no questions.
“Man, I don’t know what to believe. But I can tell you this. I didn’t anticipate feeling this way about her. She seems to have this way of making me survey every situation. She’s beautiful. She’s feisty. There’s something inside her that’s really special. I just don’t know that this love is really worth the risk.”
“How does she feel about you?” Diesel asked.
I had to admit that, at times, she seemed open to the idea. When we kissed, there was this raw tension between us that made everything better. In those little moments, I believed she was open to seeing what could happen between us. Then, all of a sudden, as if someone had thrown a switch, it would be over.
Diesel listened to me. He made no sign of judging me. He just heard me out and waited until I’d finished giving my spiel before he talked.
“Is it over, as you say, because you start pushing her away?” he asked.
I frowned. That really hadn’t occurred to me, but now it seemed like that was a possibility.
I shrugged. “Perhaps.”
Diesel chuckled.
“Then maybe you need to consider what it is you really want, and then just stop thinking about things so much. It would be easier on everyone.”
He got up from the bench and walked over to me. He raised an eyebrow as he spoke his words of wisdom.
“Don’t push her away just because you think you’re protecting yourself. It won’t end well.”
He stepped back with a sheepish grin.
“Now, I’m going to go in and fuck one of Khloe’s girls. So don’t bother wondering where I am.”
He winked and turned away, leaving me standing there alone.
Or, at least, I thought I was alone.
I had this feeling there was someone else watching. I turned and saw Cassie. She was staring at me, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that she had been listening.
How much had she heard? I wasn’t sure. But the only thing I could do was pretend it hadn’t happened and move on.
This was a foolish game I was playing, and I wasn’t sure how long I could continue playing it.