Christmas morning is supposed to be filled with happiness and cheer. Joy and peace. But, I’m the complete opposite.

I light a fire and nestle under a cozy blanket on my couch and watch the lights on my Christmas tree twinkle. I wish I could turn my brain off. Just for a few hours.

My phone rings, and Houston’s name flashes across the screen.

“Merry Christmas,” he says.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Someone’s a Grinch. I wanted to see how you’re holding up.”

“Horrible,” I clip out.

“He came to see me the other day.”

I sit up in a flash. “Who? Pollux? I mean Ford?”

“Yeah, I think you should hear him out,” he says.

I slump back down. “No, thank you.”

“You love him, right?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I scoff.

“I think you need to hear what he has to say.”

“How can you of all people tell me this?” What the hell? I stand from the couch, pacing my living room.

“Just think about it.”

“What did he say?” I ask.

“That’s his story to tell.”

Now, I’m more confused. Houston wouldn't tell me to talk to him if he didn't think I should listen. We hang up after I agree to think about it, and I drop my phone on the table and burrow back under my blanket.

I’m supposed to head out to my parent’s house in Princeton tomorrow, but, I don’t want to see anyone. Especially Houston. He was being weird and cryptic. I hate that. I hate these feelings that won't go away.

Isn't it crazy, when you want something so badly, you find yourself accepting it so freely? I wanted to fall in love. I wanted someone to want me so much they couldn't breathe. Don't we all dream of that? The perfect love? The one thing worth living and dying for. The one soul yours connects to.

People fall in love every day. Some take years to let the fire burn slowly, while others it's like a quick match. Either way, the embers ignite. The passion builds.

I fell fast and hard. I fell quick and deep. My love for him burns true, and I don't lessen that feeling because it was instant.

It burned so hot. A white-hot heat that we both felt. We both wanted. The spark was real. Now, I want to extinguish the heated coals.

A shiver runs through me. The New Year is approaching. Time for silly resolutions I'll never keep. I have an entire week off, and I plan to wallow in self-pity every minute.

* * *

After Christmas, it's time to put on the facade and return to work. I go through the motions getting ready—black pencil skirt, powder blue silk shirt, heels, makeup—everything looks the same on the outside, poised and professional. Inside is where the real things are hidden. The important things.

When I head into the office, no one knows my world has been upended.

I say hello to Anne and hide away in the confines of my office. Not fifteen minutes later after my arrival, Mr. Kendall calls me to a conference room.

I ride the elevator up to the executive floor, filled with dread at what will be awaiting me in his office.

Betsy, his assistant, smiles and waves me inside. My palms sweat when I open the door. The entire board is assembled at the long conference table.

“Katy, have a seat,” Mr. Kendall says.

I take a deep breath and sit at the opposite end.

Frank begins, “We called you here today to discuss your partnership. We’d like to announce it immediately.”

As he drones on about how I’ve really stepped up this last month, my mind drifts. I gaze out the window at the grand phallic symbol of The Empire State Building.

Is this really what I want for my life? I got so carried away with proving myself to everyone else, I didn’t stop to think about what I want.

I want to paint.

I want to love.

I want to live.

“I’m not sure I'm the right person for this anymore. I'm sure you agree, deep down.”

“We’ve always thought you represented our brand perfectly. Why would you think different?” James asks.

I shake my head. “I’m not sure. Maybe because of the family first on your logo? Maybe because when I divorced, my advancement stopped?” I glance around the table at all the executives. “Maybe because every woman in this company knows it's a boys club?”

Mr. Kendall doesn't flinch, but I struck a nerve. I see it in the way they shift in their chairs and the way they avoid my eyes.

“Our main concern is having someone we feel would continue with our vision,” Mr. Kendall says, ignoring my statement.

“I assure you, sir, I have no desire to fulfill your vision.”

I don’t want to work day in and day out to have the reward of knowing I did it all for someone else. I want something I can be proud of. Something I do.

I want people to see me, not the company I represent. To be another faceless, nameless employee who does the work but doesn’t reap the rewards, isn't something I want.

I want bigger.

I want badder.

I want something that is all mine.

I smile. Partner. It’s all I ever wanted. I should be ecstatic, but I’m hollow.

“Thank you for everything.” I stand. “But, I’m going to have to decline your offer, respectfully.”

“Wait, Katy,” James begins.

I cut him off. “I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided it’s best if I put my official resignation in. I'll draft a document and send it to you.”

They are shell-shocked.

I leave without another word.

Exiting the building is freeing. I feel more alive than I ever have.

It’s exhilarating. And I want to live in this moment for a little while longer.