Unlike LAX or O'Hare, there is a different type of rush in the Phoenix airport. It’s not the big city rush where everyone is always late, but a I need to get to the other side of the airport rush. I decide to take my time as I head to the terminal. I tell myself it's the people who are off and acting strange as the speed by me and not the fact my heart is once again shattered into a million pieces as I make the familiar trek. My feet drag against the carpeted floors as I stroll toward the check-in gate. I don't bother moving the sunglasses from my face as I use them to shield my red puffy eyes. When the stewardess speaks to me about my baggage claim I just nod and move in slow motion. I am on autopilot and nothing around me seems to make any type of sense. I go with the motions and wheel my carry-on toward the TSA line. It's odd really, because I can't hear anything, I, myself, can't utter a sound. I just put one foot in front of the other and follow the crowd.

I manage to make my way through TSA and down toward the terminal. Unlike times before, I don't pull out my cell phone, I don’t check social media; I simply sit there and stare out onto the tarmac filled with airplanes. Minutes pass or maybe it's hours, I'm not sure because I have no sense of time. No sense of emotion.

Nonetheless, boarding for the plane begins and I stand and follow the crowd as they line up to get on.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are now boarding flight 8743 with a destination of Chicago, Illinois. We will be lining up by boarding group number.”

My knee buckles and I stumble back, bumping into the person behind me. “Sorry,” I mutter and from the corner of my eye I feel as if I see Ethan in my peripheral vision. Hopeful, I do a quick glance and stare at every person around me. I know that it's my subconscious, my heart begging once again to not leave the only person who can mend it back together. It's sad really when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought. You would think that with our history, with the life we lived and the love we shared that nothing would come between us.

I was wrong.

Some wounds don't ever heal. I’ll learn to live with them. There are some bumps in the road you can never overcome, so you learn to turn yourself around and find a new road.

I close my eyes for a brief second and allow it all to sink in. One day he will only be a memory. It may not be today or tomorrow. Hell, it may take a year for me to let go. But with time, Ethan and I will be nothing but a memory. 

Needing to leave it all behind me, I decide that Arizona is where I leave my heart. It’s fitting really for it to stay here along with all my broken dreams.

* * *

Unlike every passenger on the plane, I don't unbuckle the seat belt once we taxi into our gate. Instead, I stare out the window and watch the workers unload the baggage off the plane. Everyone is in a rush to get back to their lives or on to the next journey, but I find myself stuck, unable to move. For the past two hours as we flew across the Midwest, my mind replayed the same thing over and over. How did I get here? How did I let myself become so weak? For eight years I took piece by piece and found the strength to move on. But this time I was more damaged than the last time.

“Ma’am,” the stewardess says softly.

“Yes?” I pull my gaze away from the window and look over at her.

“We need you to exit the plane now.” She glances back at the empty seats behind me.

“Oh, sorry.” I say and stand. Nodding at the flight crew, I exit and walk up to the gate, then follow the signs to baggage claim.

My hands hold the railing as I step on the escalator that leads me down to the lower level baggage claim. Drivers and family wait for their families to arrive. I glance around for my car service guy when I spot him.

Ethan.

He has one hand tucked into his pocket and the other is holding up a white paper with Sutton written across it.

Slowly, I shake my head. Stepping off the escalator I walk past him and toward the carousal of luggage.

“Leslie, wait,” I hear from behind me.

“No,” I say and my voice is shaky. “You don’t get to show up here and pretend nothing happened.” I never pull my gaze away from the carousel.

“Just give me five minutes.” He steps in front of me and I’m forced to stop walking.

“You have thirty seconds.” I refuse to allow myself to look into his eyes.

“Do you remember the first night I climbed into your room?” He steps in and I can smell the scent of his cologne wafting in the air around me. Gently, he places his finger under my chin and lifts my face up to his. Our eyes meet and there’s a tug at my heart. He looks like the broken Ethan I have always loved. “We had just moved in and my father was using my mother as a punching bag again. What you don't know is that I planned on killing my father that night.” I narrow my eyes as he continues. “When we moved into that house my mother promised me that things would be different. She said my father just needed to get away from the garage and he would get help. But again, that was her defending him.” Ethan swallows and lowers himself so we are eye to eye.

“That night as my mother cried and begged him not to hit her again. I walked out into the backyard and pulled out his shotgun that I had hidden under the deck.” His words stun me. “Remember, I told you it was almost over.” My mind locates the memory and I replay it over in my head. Tears pool in my eyes and I nod. “I figured killing him and going to jail were better than having to live in that house a day longer. I was at the lowest I’d ever been, and then I heard your voice. And that night, Leslie, you showed me something no one had ever shown me before. Kindness and compassion, something I had never experienced in my life. It was like you were my guardian angel.” A tear drips down his face and I find myself reaching up to catch it.

“I knew then that as long as I had you in my life, living with Jerry would be bearable. I knew then, when I was ten years old, that I would love you for the rest of my life.” His voice cracks and I find my lips quivering as I shake my head. He frames my face with both hands and presses his forehead to mine. “You're the only thing I believe in. You've made my darkest days brighter. Loving you is the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing that keeps me alive. Please, Leslie. I fucked up. I know that and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. But please, don't let me go.” 

I close my eyes and the pain mixed with the love I have for him courses through my veins as if they are at war with each other. “You’ve been so distant, so different.”

“I’m so sorry. When he finally died all of it hit me. The grief consumed me and I was reminded of the man he was. We always hurt the people we love the most, but I promise you with everything that I am, I will never hurt you again.” He pulls me closer and kisses my lips. “Please, Leslie. I can’t lose you.”

The warm tears drip down my face. I want to forgive him. I want to leap into his arms and have him kiss the pain away. But two broken souls will never live happily as one.

With everything in me I take a step back. Ethan’s eyes widen and I see them fill with tears. “I can’t.” My voice is shaky. “I can’t do this to myself. What we shared many moons ago was perfect. It was beautiful.” I pause and bite down a sob that threatens to crawl up my throat. “But we are broken Ethan. And it doesn’t matter how much we try to fix it. Our pieces are shattered into a million pieces.” Slowly, he shakes his head not believing what I’m saying. I run my fingers under my eyes and inhale. “I will always love you but I can’t forgive you.”

“Leslie.” His voice is hoarse and I know this pains him.

“I’m sorry, Ethan, but you have to let me go.” I mutter and walk past him. My legs shake with each step I take, but I force myself to walk toward the carousel and grab my suitcase. I stand there for a few minutes letting the last fragments of my heart break before I look back to where he stood.

He’s gone and I know that it’s finally over.

* * *

The drive from O’Hare to my apartment in Chicago takes over two hours due to traffic. I allow myself to sit in the back seat of the car and stare out at the highway. My heart is aching but I know that I’ve made the best decision for myself. Being with Ethan is what I’ve always wanted but there’s too much water under the bridge to ever let us have what we both want. Though Jerry is dead and in the past, his memory haunts me. The fear of Ethan turning into him terrifies me to the core. The car pulls up to the sidewalk of my apartment and I slide my credit card through the machine and sign the receipt. My body moves in slow motion as I climb out of the car and around to meet the driver who has my suitcase in his hand. I smile kindly and thank him for his service. Turning toward the sidewalk my hand releases the suitcase handle and I gasp.

Ethan is sitting on the steps on my apartment. His hands rest on his knees as he watches me carefully. My heart tugs in my chest and I feel more tears swell in my eyes.

He stands and walks over to me. I wait in silence for him to speak as I’m afraid I have no strength left in me.

“I can’t let you go.” His voice is hoarse and I know from years of loving him that it is laced with pain.

“Ethan.” I shake my head.

“Don’t, Leslie.” He steps forward and takes my hands in his. “We aren’t broken. On the contrary, what we lived, what we’ve experienced, it’s what makes us whole.” I feel my lips quiver and Ethan frames my face. “The best part of me has always been you. I can’t lose you again. I refuse to let you go.”

I pull away from his hold and look to the ground. “I can’t do this again. I’m sorry but I think it’s best you go home.” I don’t look at him as I gather my belongings and head toward my front door.

He doesn’t stop me.

He doesn’t follow me.

He let’s me go inside.

* * *

I sit in my house for two days drinking my pain away and eating Ramen. By Monday morning I’m dressed and ready to head to the office. I’m not due back for another few weeks but I figure making an appearance around the new bosses will be a good idea. I grab my keys from the hook near the door and head down the stairs. When I pull the door open, Ethan is sitting on the top step. I gasp when he looks up at me.

“What are you doing?” I can’t hide the surprise in my voice.

“I told you, I’m not letting you go.” He stand ups and brushes his hands to dust off his jeans.

“So, you’ve been living on my doorstep like a bum?” I say and close the door behind him.

“I have no choice, it’s not that easy to climb into your bedroom.” Ethan gives me a boyish grin. “You look nice.”

“Thanks.” I say nervously and look down to the ground. “I have to head into the office.”

“I see.” He shoves his hands in his pocket. “I’ll be here.”

“Ethan.” I say and pause before exhaling. “I’m not changing my mind. You should go home, Charlie needs you.”

“I need you more. I’m not leaving Leslie, not until you forgive me for being an asshole.”

“Don’t hold your breath.” I pull the straps of my purse higher on my shoulder and head toward the train station.

I arrive in the office at a quarter to eight. Though I should feel excited to be back, I can’t shake the knowledge that Ethan spent the night on my steps. The thought is quickly brushed away when Chloe comes out of her office to greet me.

“Oh, thank heavens you’re back.” She says and gives me a tight embrace. “I have missed the living hell out of you.”

I laugh and hug her back. “What’s new here?” I ask as I follow her inside her office.

“Girl, it’s crazy.” Her eyebrows furrow together. “I know you and I don’t have anything to be worried about but there will be a big budget cut and a lot of people will be losing their jobs.”

“That sucks.” I sit back on her chair and sigh in relief that at least I’ll have a job.

“I have so much to catch you up on, are you staying for lunch?”

“Yeah I have a meeting with HR in a few. Want to go to River Roast? We can sit outside.” I smile remembering the taste of their infamous cocktails.

“Oh, that sounds good, but it’s supposed to pour soon. Maybe Marty’s?”

I don’t answer her question; instead, my mind is invaded with Ethan sitting outside in the rain. “Yeah,” I nod uncertainly. “That’s fine.”

* * *

The dark clouds loom over the skies, that warm crisp spring air has vanished and is replaced with a chill. I arrive home by two in the afternoon, though I skipped lunch with Chloe, my meeting with HR ran late. I’m sprinting down my block, my shoes soaked from the torrential down pour as I try to find Ethan.

I tried to force him out of my mind, I tried to get over what we shared but as Lisa, with human resources went over the new company’s policy all I could think about was a life with Ethan. A home we could share together and love that we could mend and fix.

My heels splash through the puddles and when I reach my steps I’m gasping for air.

“Do you want kids?” I mutter out desperate for air to fill my lungs.

Ethan, who is soaked even though his body is covered with a plastic poncho looks deep into my eyes. “With you?” I nod before inhaling. “I want a whole team of kids with you.”

“Would you mind living in Chicago or do you want to live in Arizona?” I say as my soaked hair sticks to my face.

“Freckles,” He stands and takes my hands with his. “It doesn’t matter if we live in the desert or the Antarctic. I will follow you to the moon. I will sit out here for the next ten years if I have too. I will do whatever you want until you realize that in this world you were made for me and I’m never letting you go.”

I lace my hands around his body and bring my face to his chest. I tremble from the cold but also from the fear that I’m throwing caution to the wind to be with him. “I was pregnant and I lost the baby.” I whimper and I feel his hands tighten around my body. “I found out the day you went crazy on Michael.”

Ethan pulls away and locks his surprised gaze on mine. “When?”

“That night,” I confess on a sob.

Ethan shakes his head and pulls me into his embrace again. This time we stay that way for a few minutes crying over the pain that will forever live inside of us. “I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.” He whispers and I can feel his body shaking.

This time I pull away and frame his face. “It’s not your fault.” I say and I can honestly believe it with everything inside of me. I know now that God had a different plan for Ethan and me; that I needed some time to forgive him, and forgive myself before we could move forward. “Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes the universe makes choices for us because it sees the potential we still have. I don’t blame you. I don’t hate you. Forgiving is what makes us grow. It’s what soothes our souls.”

“I’ve never deserved you.” He shakes his head.

“And no one has ever loved me like you.” I feel a smile grow on my face. “We may not be perfect and it will take some time for us to ever be the way we were, but I’m willing to try.”

“Leslie Sutton,” he says and frames my face with his hands. “I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I promise to love you, and cherish you every single day for as long as you’ll let me.”

Gently, Ethan leans in and kisses me like he has done a million times before. It’s a kiss filled with love, hope and a chance of forever. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom, shatter your dreams in order to create new ones.

When I first left to go to Arizona, never did I imagine my new dream would be to run a ballet studio or have a family. But now with Ethan in my arms, it’s the only dream I wish to have come true.