I take a look out of Sandra’s bay window at the light dusting of snow falling. It’s picturesque with the thick, crinkled, baby blue satin curtains pulled back, and a bouquet of white and red roses with baby’s breath in the center sitting on the windowsill.

It’s so beautiful here, back in my home town. It doesn’t snow like this down south where I go to school. Sometimes I wish I’d stayed up here. Although now that my parents are getting a divorce, it’s probably best I stayed away.

I sit back on my sister’s cream tufted sofa, the gorgeous fireplace roaring with life. A flat-screen TV nestled between the built-in bookshelves is playing the soft sounds of some real housewife show that happened to be on when I crashed on the sofa. At least I still have my sister. My parents never really seemed to love each other anyway.

It hurts. Even though I know they’ll be happier apart, I can’t help but wish they’d be happy together.

Sandra saw the bitter divorce coming. She’ll be happy if they never speak to each other again.

It sucks to think that way, that people who once loved each other should stay apart. I shift on my sister’s couch to get comfortable and try to ignore these gloomy thoughts.

It happens, and it’s for the best.

I roll my eyes, thinking about my last breakup. Breaking up with Michael was definitely for the best.

My heart squeezes a bit, not from missing him, but from the loss of a connection with someone. Some days I feel so alone, like I’m never going to have someone special in my life. I take in a deep breath and let out a heavy sigh, picking at my finger nails.

Closing my eyes, I remember how my mom told me she settled. I will never settle. I don’t want to end up like my mother.

I cringe inwardly at my thoughts, but it’s true.

I think I’ve settled with every relationship I’ve ever had, except my first.

If that even counts as a relationship.

I was scared to even whisper the word “boyfriend” around Derek. I counted each day waiting for it to end. I knew it would, it wasn’t ever going to last. He was my first in a lot of ways, but I didn't give him my V-card. If I could do it all over though, I’d go back and give it all to him. I’d strip down in a heartbeat in the back of his old beat up Honda and let him claim every inch of me.

How awful is that? Maybe it’s because with him, I didn’t feel like I was settling. I felt whole with him. I looked forward to our private moments in the back of his car after school. Sometimes I’d sneak out at night and go to his house. I’d creep into his backyard, and tap on the window to his room. He never made me wait long.

I think he really liked it when I did that.

I think he felt the same way about me.

But that was high school, and Derek was a bad boy.

I’ve always been a good girl, but for him I broke the rules. For him, I did whatever he wanted, and that was dangerous. Too dangerous.

I snuggle into the sofa and sigh softly, remembering the way he held me. As if my body was meant to be held by his.

It all happened so naturally. Day one, he took me home and I wanted to kiss him, so I did.

Day two, he called me over to his table in the cafeteria to sit with him during lunch, so I did.

I walked straight to where he parked that day after school and he was waiting for me. As if we’d made plans.

We didn’t have to talk about it. We didn’t need a label. We just fell into place.

I roll my eyes again and readjust the book on my lap. If only it could be that easy again.

I take another look around and try not to be jealous of how freaking beautiful my sister’s house is. She’s now a night nurse, and obviously making bank.

I’ll never make that kind of money.

I live in a cramped, but affordable, apartment, and there’s no way I’ll land a job making a high enough income to afford a house like this. But I’m fine with that. I want to give back and be there for the kids who need help. I’m almost there. I only have one more semester to go until I graduate.

I always knew this job was for me. Deep down, I know I can make a difference. I’m petite, and I have a young face with a higher-pitched voice, causing most people to not take me seriously. But that works to my advantage when it comes to the younger kids in the program. I’ve always been a people watcher, and I’m not a threat. People don’t try to hide around me because there isn’t a reason to. I’m not a threat. I have a gift for understanding personalities.

They try to put on a show with their bad behavior, but I see who they really are. And that’s the first step to getting them help. They can open up to unsuspecting, little ole me and that makes me proud. It makes me feel fulfilled.

Right now I need to study though. I look down at the book in my lap and almost groan out loud.

These chapters on morals and ethics aren’t going to read themselves. I've highlighted almost every line in the last three chapters, and I still have no idea what I've read. I just can't focus. Being home for break is throwing me off my usually good study habits.

A creak from behind me and the clicking of heels on the tile followed by the clank of keys being tossed onto the table in the hall makes me sit up straight. Oh thank God; Sandra’s home. My lips kick up into a smile, a distraction!

Maybe she’ll want to open a bottle of wine and watch a chick flick. I deserve a break tonight, and Sandra’s always good for a girls' night. No matter where life takes us, I know that much. There’s something about the bond between sisters that will always bring us back together.

As Sandra walks into the wide doorway, I start closing my books and putting my stuff back in my Kate Spade pebbled leather tote. It was a Christmas gift from her, and I freaking love it. I wanna make sure she sees I’m already using it. I make a mental note to remember to buy her something really nice for her birthday.

“Hey,” she says as she drapes her tweed pea coat on the back of the sofa. She pulls her hair over her shoulders and walks straight to the fire. “It’s fucking freezing out there.” Her cheeks are bright red from the cold. I hate the cold.

“Yeah, but it looks pretty,” I answer back, and she snorts a laugh. We both hate the cold.

“What are you studying tonight?” she asks as she casually drops onto the couch next to me.

“Morals and ethics.”

“Well, that sounds fascinating!” she says sarcastically, and I grin.

“Yeah well, I’m done for the night.” I lie on the sofa, putting my feet on the seat right by her thighs. “How was work?” I ask.

“Busy. I'm exhausted.” She yawns as she leans back into the sofa.

“Feel like opening a bottle of wine and vegging out in front of the TV?” I stare at the ceiling, feeling like a slacker. “I can't study anymore tonight.” I didn’t really study at all, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“Actually, Tony’s on his way over,” she says easily and then covers her yawn. “We were just going to hang out here for a while.”

“Oh, okay. I'll get out of your way then.” Tony. Her boy toy. I haven’t met him yet, so I’m definitely going to sneak down while he’s here. I don’t wanna step on her toes while I’m visiting, but I’m not passing up a chance to see who she’s always talking about.

“I really should be studying anyway,” I say and a yawn slips out of my mouth at the last word. I blame her yawn; they’re addictive.

“No!” she says, smacking my leg. “Stay and hang out with us! I really want you to meet him,” she says, giving me a pleading look. “And he’s bringing a friend over, so you won't be a third wheel.”

I have to stop myself from groaning. She better not be trying to set me up. I have a bad feeling that’s exactly what she’s doing. It’s her style and the men she picks are never my type. I bite my tongue at that last thought. “You deserve a break,” she says softly, giving me puppy eyes again. “You've been working so hard.”

“Okay,” I say halfheartedly. I’m not really looking forward to being set up. I put a little more pep into my voice. “Sounds good! I'll hang out for a little bit, and then get back to studying.” That’s a lie. I’ll hang out and then go crash upstairs. Fuck studying, but it’s a good excuse to bail later tonight. All this hard work has made me lame. But whatever, I need my beauty sleep. The thought forces another yawn out, as if my body agrees.

“I'm gonna go change out of my scrubs before Tony gets here.” The sofa groans as Sandra gets up, pushing herself off the couch.

I follow her up the stairs, grabbing my tote and bringing it to the guest room Sandra’s letting me stay in. I need to put on real clothes at least. I’m not meeting Tony and his friend in my PJs.

I pull baggy sweater over my tank top and pair it with some worn jeans. They’ll never know I’m not wearing a bra. I chuckle softly at the thought, but the smile vanishes when I see myself in the mirror on the dresser. I look rundown. There's just no hiding the dark circles around my tired eyes. I'm exhausted. At least my hair is still decent from this morning. Not that it really matters. I'm not trying to impress either Sandra’s boyfriend, or whoever his friend is.

“He’s here!” Sandra calls out from somewhere downstairs. She sounds giddy and excited. It’s kind of cute to see her so worked up over this guy.

The front door opens as I walk back down the stairs, my hand gripping the railing. My steps slow as I watch Tony come in. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. But what’s better is that he smiles when he sees Sandra.

That makes me really happy and I can’t deny the smile creeping up on my face. There’s a joy reflected between the two of them that warms my heart. She squeals and runs down the hall as he kicks off his boots, dusted with snow.

“Hey, baby,” he says as he wraps his arms around her waist. She holds onto his shoulders as he leans her back slightly and kisses her. I nearly roll my eyes, but that’s just the jealousy in me thinking, get a room!

“Hey, yourself,” she answers playfully. She smiles back with a blush on her cheeks, pulling away and looking at me for a split second.

I feel like such a third wheel.

“Em, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tony.” She twirls back and forth a little on her heels, still holding his hand. “Tony, this is my baby sister, Emma.”

I walk down the rest of the steps and toward him with a smile.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” he says as he shakes my hand. It’s a firm shake, and his large hand makes mine feel small. I definitely approve.

He seems kinda familiar. It’s not a small town, but maybe we went to high school together. I rack my brain, but come up with nothing.

The front door clicking shut pulls my attention away from the happy couple.

I suck in a breath and freeze in my spot. My stomach drops as I stare with wide eyes at the person standing in front of the door. My heart slows, and my body heats.

No fucking way.

Derek Wade.

“Em, this is Derek, Tony’s friend,” Sandra says absently. I can’t respond. Derek. I swallow thickly, remembering how we last left. We didn’t even say goodbye to each other. My heart beats slower and slower, and blood rushes into my ears. This is a fucking nightmare. I feel so awkward. I have the urge to just turn around, run upstairs and hide. But I don’t want to, I never wanted to run away from him.

He’s just standing there, casually shrugging his coat off his shoulders as if there’s no tension, nothing there between us.

He's acting like I'm no one special, so maybe he doesn't remember me. The thought makes my throat dry and close.

For me… he was my first love. I can’t deny that. Even if we were a secret.

Even if the words were never said. I wasn’t brave enough to tell him, but I know what I felt for him was love.

I struggle to breathe as Derek walks closer to me.

I can feel my cheeks flaming, and I hope it’s not obvious.

No one knew back then. I never told a soul. It was a secret. Even if we never called it that, we both knew what it was. We snuck around, fooled around. I almost gave him everything… I wanted to give him everything. I was just waiting for him to pull the trigger and make things official. But he never did.

I wish I could look away, but I can’t. His pale blue eyes are piercing into me, holding me in place. They used to mesmerize me back then, but now they feel colder.

The heat between us is still there though. All of the feelings and memories from high school come pouring back into my mind. The nervousness, the excitement, the bliss when he first talked to me. Then the heartbreak, and rejection when it ended. God, I feel so naive. So young. So lost.

He's even more gorgeous now than he was back then.

He sure as fuck isn’t a boy anymore. His shoulders are broader, stretching the Henley tight across his chest. His arms are so much thicker, corded with muscle. He’s still tall, making me feel so small beneath him. I love it though, just as I always have. He makes me feel protected.

It’s odd because he radiates a confidence and power that would cause fear if I didn’t know him. But even after all these years, I feel as if I do know him. And he doesn’t scare me one bit.

“Derek, this is my sister, Emma.”

“Hi, Emma,” Derek says coolly. It hurts that he’s just pretending he hasn’t met me before. My heart does a flip, but the wrong fucking kind. The kind where it buckles and lands hard in my chest. The kind that hurts.

Whatever. I guess that’s what I get for leaving him. I swallow the lump in my throat, squaring my shoulders.

Once I found out he was dealing, I just didn’t want to be caught up in that. He always kept everything private. I couldn’t unsee it though. Maybe it was judgmental. Maybe I was too much of a goody two-shoes. But I was falling hard for him, and I was scared that if I didn’t leave at that point, then I’d never leave. I knew better.

My mouth is so dry. Get a grip, Emma! He's just a guy you had a thing with in high school. So what if he was my first kiss, stolen in the back of his car after school? So what if I felt more for him than I’ve ever felt before?

It's over now.

You've moved on, and he's moved on. I take a deep breath, straightening my back.

“Hi, Derek.” I finally look away, not knowing how to play this.

There’s only one thing I know for sure.

I’m lying to myself about moving on.