5
Evan Ruiz
So…his initial reaction wasn’t great. But I can’t lose hope yet. I won’t. Not after all this.
After he threw up, I ran to get the paper towels, and stepped back while he cleaned up. He was humiliated, and I was confused and terrified…
Finally he appears in front of me, a finger raised. But he can’t even really face me. What is this reaction? What does this mean? He was always a mystery to me – but what in the world is all this?
“Say it again, please,” he says.
“What?”
“Please say it again. Explain. Help me understand.”
“I just…I love you, Tom. I realized it recently. And like I said, I just wanted to tell you.”
He swallows. “Okay. I’ve had straight guys hit on me as pranks and jokes. Please back up so I know the truth.”
“Really, it’s simple…I fell in love with you, and it’s tearing me up inside.”
He blinks. I shake my head.
“Aren’t you…horrified?” I ask. “Aren’t you disgusted? And confused?”
“No, I’m…”
He trails off, and I interrupt. “Oh, and then, because I was so desperate, I wrote you this thing…”
“What thing?”
“When you left for Christmas, I went on Reddit to…well, to ask for help. I didn’t know anyone who would understand…and then it blow the fuck up, and…”
“Evan, what? When was this?”
Out of ideas, I pull up the Reddit piece and hand it to him. And as he takes my phone and starts scanning it with an unreadable look on his face, I try to savor my last moments with him before it all gets awkward and falls to pieces. I look at the curve of his cheekbones, his black eyelashes, his wet lips…
I turn away, humiliated. Soon I hear his voice, and it is small and…confused.
“Evan. All of this is true? You swear?”
“Yes. All of it. I’m sorry.”
I hear him step closer. “And why are you sorry?” he asks, his voice sounding like he almost thinks this is funny, in some sick way. Great, now he’s mocking me. So I turn to him and decide to just lay it all out there.
When I begin, my voice cracks, but I power through it. “The article is true. Every word of it. I love you, and I can’t run from it anymore. If I could have run, I would. God knows I tried to. But this is the kind of love that demands to be felt…this is love in IMAX, the kind they write books about, the kind that you hear in the melody of a love song…and I can’t lie anymore. But I don’t want you to be scared. My mom told me love is never a choice, and I never chose to love you. It just happened. All I’m asking is that you…you take me as I am…but then again, I know you probably won’t. I crossed a boundary here, and it’s too much information to just dump on you like this. But I had no choice. I broke the rule of roommates – never fall for the roomie. But I did. We were just friends, and I fucked it all up, and I never should’ve let myself fall for you, and every moment of loving you from ten feet away has been a beautiful hell, and…”
For a long time he just looks at me.
“You swear?” he finally asks, and I just shrug.
“Would anyone in the world be able to fake this pain in my voice? I sound like I’m speaking at a damn funeral. And I am. That’s what it feels like, to be honest-”
The next few moments happen in slow-motion. His hand falls, and he steps toward me, then lets out something between a gasp and a sigh. Then he forces out the words, “You had me from the bottom of that staircase, Evan,” and then, as a feeling of sheer, catastrophic joy envelops me, he is kissing me.
His lips meet mine. I open my mouth and instinctively give him my tongue. What the fuck? Suddenly I am kissing Tom Carlile – the thing I’ve been dreaming about, fantasizing about for months – it’s happening.
I reach up and pull him closer in a desperate rush, letting myself enjoy this miracle. I’ve never kissed a man before, and his stubble against my stubble is a new and unexpected revelation. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but suddenly I know with certainty that it is real, that it was always real, that he felt, it, too, from the first moment at the bottom of that staircase, like he said. Because this triumph, this orchestra, this electric joy filling the room – nobody could ever fake this.
My miracle came true – Tom Carlile loves me.