Having Caden back home this past month has been both wonderful and eye-opening. He wasn’t lying when he said baseball owns his life during the season. Between his job and mine, we’re lucky if we get to see each other twice a week. And that’s when he’s not traveling.
He’s asked me to move in with him. In fact, he asks me whenever we’re together. He says he wants to wake up with me every day. I want that, too. But I keep making up excuses. What he doesn’t know, however, is that as soon as Trick finds a new roommate, I’m going to take him up on his offer.
Today is Saturday so the stands are jam-packed at the game we’re attending. I love the energy in the stadium—it’s like a drug. I can see why Caden embraces it.
Lexi and I make our way to our seats to find Scott and her dad already there. She hugs her dad and little brother. Since Shane and Scott moved to the city a few months ago, they have become a close-knit family. Caden and his dad are more than family now, they are friends. And I couldn’t be happier. And with Shane and my mom dating, she flies in from Iowa a lot so I get to see much more of her these days.
I look around and wonder how I got so lucky. How did I end up here … with this man, in this life? Sometimes it seems too good to be true and I wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. Will Caden’s life ever become too much for one of us to handle?
Then we make eye contact when he looks up at me from the dugout, and all my fears disappear. Because the way he looks at me, it’s as if we aren’t surrounded by forty thousand people. We might as well be the only two people on Earth.
I give him a thumbs-up and blow him a kiss. It’s what I do before every game. He expects it. And he won’t look away until I do it. I guess it’s become another one of his rituals. Our rituals.
When he puts his game face on and turns around to do his job, Lexi hooks my elbow with hers. “You’re good for him, you know. In more ways than one.”
“I hope so,” I say.
“I’ve never seen my brother so happy, Murphy.”
I glance over at Shane and Scott. “I’m not the only one responsible for that.”
“I don’t know,” she says. “From what I hear, you are. Caden told me you are the one who convinced him to give our dad a chance. So, the way I see it, you brought our family back together. And Caden has never performed better on the field. He was great before, but now he’s on a whole other level.”
“That has nothing to do with me, Lexi. It’s all him.”
I look down at the dugout to see Caden and his team taking the field. He won’t look up at me again until after the game. He never does. Not unless he has a home run. Whenever he hits a home run, he will find me in the crowd, pound his heart and point to me right before he steps on home plate. Even if I’m not at the game, he will still do it—he will look over to where I usually sit behind the net by the first-base dugout and go through the motions. It’s become a thing. And it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Even the ESPN announcers have picked up on it.
She laughs. “If he thinks it’s you, then it’s you, Murphy. You’ve been with him long enough to know that.”
In the sixth inning, I take Scott to get a hot dog and a Coke. Scott is a good kid. It must have been hard leaving the place where he grew up for almost thirteen years to move here. He seems to have fit right in however, and has become a celebrity in his own right at his school for being a carbon copy of his older brother. He’s even following in his brother’s footsteps and is a top player on a local Little League team. Lexi, Shane and I have skipped out on a few Hawks games this spring to watch Scott play.
“You’re Caden Kessler’s girlfriend, aren’t you?” a young lady asks on our way to the concession stand. “Can I have your autograph?”
I look at Scott. “You don’t want my autograph,” I tell her. “I’m not even related to Caden. But this is his brother. You should get his autograph.”
The girl squeals in delight and then gushes over Scott, realizing how much he looks like Caden. I smile, watching Scott get fawned over by an excited co-ed. He poses for a picture with her and signs her program. The grin on his face is priceless.
We make our way back to our seats, our hands filled with junk food. But before we get there, Scott stops walking. “You’re pretty cool, Murphy,” he says.
“You’re pretty cool yourself,” I tell him.
He nods to the field. “I’m going to be out there one day.”
“I don’t doubt it. You’re a great player, Scott.”
“Will you come to my games, too?”
I can’t help the smile that overtakes my face. Scott, like his older brother, believes I’ll still be around ten years from now. He’s accepted me as family. And I love him like a brother. “You can bet on it.”
“What’d we miss?” I ask Lexi when I settle back into my seat.
“Nothing much. It’s still three to two. Caden didn’t let anything get by him.”
I look up at the scoreboard. “I love close games,” I tell them. “I mean, what’s the fun if every game is a blowout?”
“You like living on the edge, huh?” Shane asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I just think if things come easily to you, they aren’t worth having. It’s the hard wins that are most important. Those build character.”
The players all leave the field for the seventh-inning stretch. The JumboTron starts zooming in on people which means they are supposed to kiss. The crowd cheers as couples happily oblige.
Then the screen goes blank and people boo and hiss at the malfunction. I take the opportunity to check my phone for messages.
Suddenly, Lexi grabs my arm. I look at her face to see her wide eyes. I follow her gaze back to the screen and see myself up on it. Picture after picture of Caden and me flash up on the screen. Good pictures—like the ones taken for interviews. Candid pictures—like the ones from tabloid magazines when we were caught kissing in public.
I’m confused. Why are pictures of us on the JumboTron? “What’s going on?” I ask no one.
Lexi tightens her grip on me and squeals. “Oh my God, Murphy. Do you think my brother is going to propose?”
My heart pounds almost painfully in my chest when her words sink in. I look down to the dugout, but don’t see any trace of Caden. I look over at the nearest tunnel, expecting him to appear. I look at the field wall a few rows in front of us and think maybe he’ll pop out from behind it. But none of those things happen.
Then I hear collective gasps of shock from the crowd.
I look back up at the massive screen and see what appears to be a pornographic movie playing. My jaw drops. What on Earth?
Everyone in the stadium is watching. It’s like the train wreck you can’t peel your eyes away from. Parents are covering the eyes of their children. Women start screaming in horror. But most people can’t tear their eyes away. Including me.
Lexi cries, “Oh, my God, Murphy!”
And all at once, my perfect world collapses. My happy life crumbles. Because I realize that forty thousand people are looking at me. It’s me up on that screen having sex. It’s me straddling a man, riding him like he’s a wild horse. It’s my breasts bouncing around as my face contorts in pleasure. It’s me having sex with my bastard of an ex who obviously taped me without my consent.
Hot tears stream down my face as the video finally gets cut off and the JumboTron displays a message of technical difficulty. The stadium is in an uproar as everyone is trying to deal with what they just saw. Lexi and Shane are looking at me in disbelief. Shane uncovers Scott’s eyes and bile rises in my throat when I wonder if Caden’s thirteen-year-old brother just witnessed the most horrific moment of my life.
I look down at the dugout to see Caden running out of it. He looks up at me and we stare at each other helplessly. So many things bleed from his eyes. Empathy. Horror. Sorrow.
My stomach churns and I know I’m about to lose my lunch. I turn and plow through the crowd, running to the nearest bathroom and barely making it before I wretch into the toilet of the first stall.
Lexi runs in after me. She holds back my hair. There’s some commotion behind us and I hear Caden’s voice asking women to give us some privacy. I stand up and go to the sink, splashing water on my face.
“Lexi, can you make sure nobody comes in?” he asks.
“I’m on it,” she says, rounding the corner to guard the entrance.
Caden runs his hand over my back trying to comfort me in a moment when I can’t be comforted. I don’t even want him to look at me. What must he be thinking? Why is he even in here?
“Caden, the game.” I finally lock eyes with him in the mirror.
“Fuck the game, Murphy.”
I shake my head as more tears roll down my cheek. “I didn’t know he taped us. I swear I didn’t,” I tell him, hoping he will believe me. “I would never do that, Caden. You must know that. I could never …”
Then something occurs to me and I feel sick again. I turn around and look directly at him. “A few weeks ago, you asked me to do it.” I cover the sob begging to break free. “You joked about making a sex tape. Why did you ask me that, Caden?”
I take a step away from him, already fearing his answer. His hands run through his hair and he glances up at the ceiling before looking back at me. When he does, guilt is written all over his face. “I thought he was lying about having the video, Murph. He did that thing where he chews on his cheek. You said yourself that’s his tell. He tried to blackmail me. Asked me for a lot of money. I thought he was lying like all the other times. I’m so sorry, Murphy. I’m so sorry.”
I back up and lean against the sink. “Tony contacted you? You knew about the tape. And you didn’t tell me?”
He scrubs a hand across his jaw. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry. You have enough to worry about with your job and me being gone half the time. If you thought there was a tape out there, you’d have freaked. And I knew you wouldn’t let me pay him off. But I would have, Murphy. I swear if he’d shown me the tape I would have paid him. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But he didn’t show me anything. And he bit his damn cheek.”
He takes some steps towards me to close the gap, but I move away, disgusted. “You didn’t want to worry me?” I yell at him. “It’s my life, Caden. What right do you have to make decisions for me?”
“It’s not like that. I thought he was lying, Murph.”
“But he wasn’t, Caden. He wasn’t lying. And now I’ve been humiliated. How can I ever show my face again? Your dad saw it. Your thirteen-year-old brother saw it. Half of New York City saw me naked and having sex. And I’m sure it’s all over the internet by now as well. This can never be undone, Caden. How could you do this to me?”
“Babe, I didn’t do anything. Tony did. I was trying to protect you.”
“By taking away my choices?”
“That wasn’t my intention,” he says, reaching for me.
He tries to hold my hand, but I pull away. “Don’t touch me!”
“Murphy, I will fix this. I swear.”
Tears pool in his eyes. But I can’t think about him now … him and his lies. All I can think about is getting away. Leaving this place. Escaping this nightmare.
“This is one thing your money can’t fix.” I start walking out of the bathroom, but he grabs my arm. I rip it out of his grip. “I said don’t touch me, Caden, and I meant it.”
He holds up his hands in surrender, the pain on his face almost mirroring the pain in my heart. Almost.
I walk around the corner to see a large crowd gathering outside the bathroom, and Lexi, Shane, and some men in security shirts are keeping everyone at a distance. Cameras come out and flash and film as I come into view.
I pull Lexi aside. “If you care anything about me, please do not let Caden follow me. I need some space, Lexi. Please. I beg you.”
She nods. “Okay.”
I ask one of the security guards to escort me out of the park as Caden calls out behind me. I turn briefly to see Lexi holding him back. She says something to him and he stops fighting her. He looks at me as I walk away. He looks broken. He might even look as broken as I feel.
Another security guard runs up alongside us. I recognize him from before. He’s the one who gets to peel screaming girls off players outside the clubhouse after games. “I’m Drew,” he says. “Caden wanted me to make sure you were okay, Miss Cavenaugh.”
“Thanks, Drew. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay after that.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
We reach the front of the stadium and the guards stand with me while I hail a cab. I pull my phone out of my pocket. The phone that is already blowing up with calls and texts. I hand it to Drew. “There is one thing you can do for me. You can return his phone to him.”
He takes it from me. “I’ll make sure he gets it.”
Then I take my hat off and look at the date inside. It’s from the first day we made love. I hand it to Drew as well. “You can give him his hat back, too.”
Drew eyes it curiously. “I’m sure he doesn’t need it. He has plenty.”
“I know he does. But I don’t want it anymore. Please return it to him.”
A cab pulls up and I slip inside. “Where to, Miss?”
I look up at the stadium, knowing it will be the last time I see it. “J.F.K,” I tell him. “I’m going home.”