Chapter 3

Emma

What in the hell is wrong with me? These damn hormones! I sound like a whiny baby every time I talk to Cade. Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s leaving so he doesn’t have to see me this way. Hopefully by the time he returns I will be in a much better frame of mind. Damn hormones!

After Cade got dressed and we both have our morning coffee, he leaves. He says he has “club business” to take care of and indicates that he will be spending most of the day with Hawk and the boys.

I know there’s a lot happening with the club, but the timing of all of this isn’t good. I know that Cade is worried. He’s torn about leaving the club with all these changes happening and helping Rebel. But I remember how well Hawk handled things in Cade’s absence before—I’m sure that once he and Cade talk, Hawk will be able to put Cade’s mind at ease.

I wonder, will we ever get to a point when everything is settled and we can just live? Even as I ask myself this question, I already know the answer. Most likely, we will not. Welcome to the wonderful world of bikers.

Honey is still staying at the house with us and it’s really nice having her around. Cade and I have both assured her that she can stay until the new clubhouse is finished. We even went so far as to offer her a job here, which I’m really hoping she will take. She is an awesome cook and spends a lot of time keeping the house neat and clean. Since my job allows me to work from home, this gives me more time to spend on work and that works for us both. We’re really starting to become close and I really enjoy her company. Not to mention that I’m learning so much “old lady” stuff from her.

Ari has decided to head back to school and finish out her last semester, but with Rebel leaving for Ireland I wonder if her plans will change. Honey has planned a going away dinner for her and the boys tonight and I can hear her rustling around in the kitchen and humming as I come down the stairs.

“Hey girl,” she says as she sees me enter the kitchen.

“Hey. Can I help you with anything?” I know she’ll say no, but I feel compelled to ask her anyway. I always feel so helpless when she’s working so hard.

She smiles and replies, “No love, I’m good. But thanks for asking.” She continues with her preparations and begins to hum again.

As I watch her, I can see that she is in her element in the kitchen. She really enjoys cooking, but then again, I always knew that. Something else is making her happier than normal. After several minutes of watching her joyous demeanor, I’m sure there is more to her humming than just cooking. Not knowing is driving me crazy, so eventually I just have to ask her. “Ok, Honey, what’s going on?”

She stops humming and looks up at me in shock at my outburst. “Nothing,” she says defensively.

“Don’t tell me ‘nothing’, girl. You’re humming! You never hum!” I say.

She begins to laugh and then says, “Am I that transparent?”

“Yeah! So what’s up?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know. Silly girl, you’ve become a good friend. If something is going on with you, of course I want to know.”

“Well, I think things might be getting better for me in the relationship department,” she says, a huge smile adorning her face.

“Oh my God! Did Hawk finally admit that he has feelings for you?” I ask excitedly.

Another look of utter shock cross her face as she asks, “How did you know?” She pauses, then says, “I mean, what makes you think Hawk has feelings for me?”

“Oh come on, really? That man is so smitten with you it’s written all over his face. I’ve been waiting for him to make his move. I’m guessing that he finally did?”

“Well, he didn’t really come out and say he had feelings for me, but he did invite me out to dinner on Saturday.”

“Really?”

“Really,” she replies, sounding almost relieved.

“It’s about damn time! I’m so excited for you!” I squeal. Hesitantly, I add, “You did say you’d go, didn’t you?”

She laughs. “Of course I did! I may be foolish sometimes, but I’m not a fool.” She pauses and then asks, “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” I reply.

“When the club first took me in, it was Hawk who was always there for me. He and I became close and I always hoped that there would be more than friendship between us. But it never happened. When Ice started to take an interest in me, I had pretty much given up on Hawk.”

I still find it unnerving when Honey talks about Caden before I came back. Sometimes, her words make things between them seem so intimate, they pierce my heart like a small dagger. I have to remind myself that he and I had a past life separate from each other. It was all in the past and obviously that part of their history is over.

Honey continues, “I knew that if I started a relationship with Ice, Hawk would back off. These boys don’t mess with another brother’s woman. I mentioned to Hawk one night that Ice had expressed an interest in me and he told me to go for it.” She shrugged. “I took that as him saying that he didn’t want me. Looking back now, and knowing more about the club and the loyalty between the brothers, I realize that he was just stepping down for his prez.”

“So, it was Hawk that you wanted all along?” I ask hopefully. In that moment I realize that this is what I want to hear from her. That she is no longer in love with Cade or even that she never was.

“At the time, yes. But as you know, I did fall in love with Ice,” she says hesitantly. And there it was. Not really the response I was hoping for, but I really didn’t expect anything different. She was hesitant to tell me this, but I really think that if we talk about this stuff it will help break down the walls of jealousy that still linger between us. We have both come a long way from the first day I came back to Cade and our friendship is only getting stronger.

“When Ice and I started dating, if that is what you want to call it, Hawk backed off completely. I even lost the friendship that we had built. Then you came into the picture.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Emma, don’t be. At first, as you know, I was hurt and very jealous of you. But as time moved on and you and I became friends, I realized that it was always Hawk that I had wanted. During those early months, he and I developed a bond. I’ve always loved him, deeper than I could love any other man. I am really looking forward to our date next week.”

“I think the feeling is mutual. I really do. I have watched him with you and it is so obvious. He chooses your company over anyone else.” I pause. “I hope it all works out for you.”

“Me too!”

“Hey, we need to go shopping next week before your date. Get you a killer outfit, get your hair and nails done, the works!” I suggest.

“Oh, I wish I could, but I really don’t have the extra funds. Since the clubhouse burned down, I’ve lost a lot of money from tips from the bar. Things will pick back up when we move into the new clubhouse, but until then, I need to watch what I spend.”

“I’m sorry, Honey. I didn’t realize.” I pause and then ask, “Will you let me treat you? It would mean the world to me if you would.”

“Why? Why would you want to do that?” she asks, surprised.

“Well, there are a lot of things that you may or may not know about me. First of all, my family is loaded, which practically guarantees that I’ll always have money. I have two trust funds and I earn a living. I know it sounds snooty, but money has never been a problem for me. I’m not one to spend money frivolously, but if I can spend some money on a friend to cheer her up or make her day, I’ll do it. So, what do you say? Will you let me treat you to a girl’s day out?”

“You would really do that for me?”

“Of course I would. What is the point of having all this money if I can’t spend it to make a friend happy?”

She laughs. “It’s a date!”

“Woohoo!” I exclaim. I have not had a girl’s day out since Brianne! Suddenly, I’m reminded of what Brianne went through. The sadness of what she has endured consumes me. My heart breaks for my bestie … I can only hope that I will be able to visit her soon.

“Emma, are you ok?” Honey asks.

“Yeah, I was just thinking that the last time I had a girl’s day out was with Brianne. It just makes me sad to think of all that she has endured because of Cade and me. Mark would never have targeted her if she weren’t connected to me. I feel so guilty knowing that she is addicted to drugs and lying in a hospital bed totally out of it because of me.”

“Can you go visit her?”

“Cade says not yet. Apparently she is going through a detox right now and isn’t herself, so to speak,” I say.

“Oh, I see. I’m all too familiar with the whole detox thing. It’s rough. I’m sorry.” She pauses and then adds, “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to go with you when you do visit her.”

“I would love that. I think I’m going to need all the moral support I can get, especially with Cade being gone. He said Hawk will be monitoring her progress while he is in Ireland and that Hawk will let me know when I can go see her.”

I’m so glad that Honey volunteered to go with me to visit Brianne. After my talk with Cade last night, I was really worried about visiting her alone. Now that that problem is solved, maybe I can try to concentrate and get some work done.

“Honey, if you are sure you don’t need any help, I’m gonna try to get some work done.”

“Absolutely, hun. You do what you need to do.”

I grab my laptop and set it up on the open spot on the counter, get myself a glass of tea, and settle myself in to an afternoon of work.