“AFTER THE first time we made love, you trembled in my arms and you asked me a question. Do you remember?”
My hands shook as I waited for Kathleen to answer. We’d been distant for weeks, our fragile relationship strained by the circumstances surrounding my daughter’s brush with death. I needed Kathleen back in my arms like I needed air to breathe, but I had to settle for her voice on the phone.
“Yes. I’ll never forget it.”
I closed my eyes and summoned my courage. She was on her way to a job interview in Colorado, on the verge of leaving me, her family and her hometown for good. I couldn’t stop her from making the trip to Denver, so I was doing my best to make her understand what she meant to me. “Then you remember my answer,” I continued with a powerful mixture of caution and anticipation.
“Yes.”
Encouraged, I turned toward my office window, ignoring the view of the Cascade Mountain Range. “Nothing has changed since the first time I held your beautiful body to mine. I will always feel that way about you.”
She was at the Portland International Airport while I was one hundred sixty miles away in my office in Bend. She wasn’t responding to my last statement, and although it was too late to take anything back, I second-guessed my choice of words.
“Are you still there?” I asked her.
“Yes. Thank you, Jack. You don’t know how much I needed to hear that.”
I plopped down in my office chair. “Just as much as I needed to say it. I love you, Kathleen.”
“I love you. I do. I’m not doing this to hurt you.”
“I understand that now. I’m not trying to talk you out of going to Denver.” I leaned forward and rubbed my temple. I was such a liar. I didn’t want her getting on that fucking jet, but I didn’t have the right to demand otherwise.
“I know that. They’re getting ready to board the plane. I better go.”
Familiar knots tightened in my stomach as I was forced to acknowledge the inevitable. “Have a safe trip,” I said.
“Jack?” Her voice held a mild tone of anxiety. For the first time in that long and miserable autumn, we were emotionally united, even if only by a mutual sense of unease.
“Yes?”
“Robert asked me to think about things for a few days before I make any big decisions. I want you to know that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
Kathleen was always true to her word. I’d learned this in ways both pleasurable and painful. Her statement held determination. She was intent on exploring her options, but her declaration also held promise.
“I believe in you, Kathleen.”
“Thank you for saying so. I’ll see you next week.”
“Bye.”
She disconnected the call as soon as I uttered the word. I should have said more, but I was at a loss. It had been several days since she’d blindsided me with the announcement she was flying to Colorado. I hadn’t lost her for certain, but she was a strong candidate for any job in the advertising profession. I was running out of time.
While Kathleen boarded her flight, I tossed my phone onto the desk and leaned against the seat back, my work forgotten as I sorted out my thoughts.
Allison was staying in my home, helping our seven-year-old daughter, Heide, recover from traumatic injuries sustained when a baseball backstop crushed her. I would never deny Allison access to our child, and Kathleen agreed with me about my ex-wife’s vital role as Heide’s mother. I didn’t want to be with Allison, but until she returned to Maryland and Heide’s injuries didn’t require my undivided attention, Kathleen was going to stay away from me.
She was sacrificing her own happiness to ensure my daughter’s. I admired her strength of character but saw now that the prolonged isolation was alienating her. She’d endured a childhood tragedy and had told me in gruesome detail about the suicide of her mother. Kathleen’s developing fear for her own well-being horrified me. I was scared that I had the potential to destroy her spirit.
I wanted Kathleen Brighton, and although she had bravely shared her biggest secret with me, I had stupidly hesitated to provide her with the same level of intimacy. If I had any hope of salvaging my relationship with her, I was going to have to tell her everything she wanted to know when she returned from Denver. It was a tremendous gamble.
I would lose her for good if I continued to avoid the truth. These were the ongoing consequences of my actions and I was forced to bear the responsibility of them once more.
After work, I drove straight home. My hands clenched the steering wheel as I took a few deep breaths. I couldn’t go back into my house without my wits intact.
It was a strain on Allison and me to keep things civil for the sake of our only daughter. We were good parents, but terrible partners. Heide’s strength was my biggest source of inspiration. If she could overcome her challenges with minimal fuss, I should be able to do the same.
I tried my best to set aside my worries about Kathleen as I left the solitude of my BMW and walked into the house. Heide was resting on the sofa with her tablet in her hands and the stuffed Minecraft zombie toy from Kathleen at her side.
I smiled as I approached, leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Hey there.”
“Hey, Dad.”
“Where’s your mom?”
Heide screwed up her face in concentration as she fought to focus on her game. “In the kitchen. Making dinner.”
“Thanks.” I straightened up and listened for my ex-wife’s greeting.
Allison either hadn’t heard me come in or didn’t care. Either way, I took advantage of the opportunity and went to my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me. I removed my charcoal gray blazer and set it down on my bed. As I unbuttoned my work shirt, my eyes came to rest on one particular dresser drawer.
Kathleen was in Denver by now. Knowing she was far away made me miss her even more. I made my way over to the dresser. Inside were her garter and stockings, a memento from our first night together.
I recalled how deliciously pleasing it was to discover the elegant lingerie underneath her tailored work clothes. With her long blond hair and tall yet curvy figure, I wasn’t the only man in the office who found Kathleen Brighton sexy. I was, however, the only one who knew what tantalizing silks and satins habitually adorned her stunning body. And I loved that she had left some of those items in my care.
Anxious to reconnect with her somehow, I opened the drawer and discovered the stunning truth.
Her lingerie was gone. It was as far from my presence as Kathleen was.
Disappointed, I closed the drawer quietly. Of course, Kathleen had removed her underwear along with her other possessions before Allison’s return to Bend. She hadn’t wanted my ex-wife to come across any evidence that I’d brought a new lover into my bedroom. I’d lived the life of a monk during my marriage to Allison. I didn’t want to live like one after my divorce.
Even so, what troubled me wasn’t that Kathleen had moved the items. It was how long it had taken me to realize her treasures were gone.