Eighteen

 

 

I was uncomfortable. It felt like all of the gravity in the world was trying to force itself out through my vagina and bottom. Every time I ate, the food stayed in my throat because I had a beach ball turning my stomach upside down. My lungs were now the size of walnuts because I had a Townsend child the size of a calf in my stomach. This also meant that I hadn’t seen my feet for months, or my vagina for that matter.

 

The living room in Fin’s house at Longleat was really comfortable and reminded me of what a 1950’s living room would look like, along with modern touches like a big flat screen television, Alexa and a range of fun shit like that.

 

“So,” I pulled the lever on the side of the chair that I’d forced to accept my bulk so that it now supported my legs too. “How did you meet Hurst?” I asked Linda who was telling us some of the stories of life with her husband. Maya, Ebru, Linda, Colette and Tony had arrived three hours ago, and we’d been talking and laughing since. I was waiting for the alarm to go off on my phone to tell me that my favorite TV program was starting – Snakes in the City. I loved those guys!

 

“Well,” she got herself comfortable just as the man in question walked into the room. There was no doubting that he adored his wife as she was the first thing he looked at each time and a twinkle would enter his eye. I’d mentioned it to him earlier and he’d told me it was glaucoma, but I thought otherwise. “I was at this social, we had one every three months for our group back home. Each time I went, I’d see this handsome tall guy with dark hair. He had these huge muscles,” she held her arm out and acted like she was gripping the arm of the Hulk as Hurst’s chest puffed out with pride beside her at the description. “He looked like a mixture of Gregory Peck and a young Harrison Ford. All of the girls would swoon when he smiled at them, he was just that gorgeous.” We all looked over at Hurst who was smiling smugly at the group.

 

“So, what happened?” Ebru asked, sitting forward on her chair with her arms braced on her knees.

 

“Well,” Linda sat in the same way as Ebru, her back to Hurst. “I made a promise to my friends that at the next event, I would introduce myself and make my interest known. It took me all of those months to decide on an outfit, and on the day I must have changed my dress seven times so that decision was a bust,” she laughed waving her hand. “I walked into that Social and there he was. Well, I thought I was going to be sick I was so nervous. A promise was a promise though, so I walked up to him and introduced myself. He introduced himself back and then…he introduced me to the lady that he was with,” we all gasped. “I was devastated, ladies. De-va-sta-ted!” She emphasized and I found myself nodding along in pity. I could just imagine what she went through, at least she got her man though.

 

“Wait a cotton-fucking-second,” Hurst burst out. “That was my fucking brother!”

 

“Yes,” she sighed, looking sadly out of the window. “He moved to the side and there was Hurst. He asked me out,” she looked down at her nails, “I had nothing better to do, so…” she waved in his direction.

 

Hurst was now sitting glaring daggers into his wife, even his right eye was twitching.

 

“You wait, old woman,” he growled. “You gotta fall asleep at some point!”

 

“That’s what he said to me that first night too,” she snorted. “I think he doped my drink because when I woke up, I had a ring on my finger and a legally binding marriage certificate. Let this be a lesson in desperation. Maybe I should tell it to Layla?” She mused as she took us all in. Yeah, it was a bit late. Ebru and Maya were married with babies, and I was married and pregnant.

 

Hurst got up and stormed out of the room in the direction of the kitchen. They might have been staying at the Premier Inn, but they spent a majority of their time here keeping me company and I loved it.

 

“You know,” Tom said into his phone as he walked into the room. “It goes both ways!”

 

Tony, who had been bouncing Crystal on his knees, put her onto the floor and squealed. “I knew it,” he clapped as he bounced in his seat and unlocked his phone. “Wait til I tell Lars! We had bets on it, but I told him,” he muttered as he typed away, “that boy definitely goes both ways.”

 

The crash of Tom’s phone hitting the fire place as he dropped it would have made me wince for him because it was one of those crashes that screamed ‘your glass is fucked’, but I was laughing too hard.

 

“I said it goes both ways,” he yelled at Tony. “Not I go both ways!”

 

Tapping the side of his nose and winking at Tom, Tony nodded as he hit send on his phone. “I get you. Your secret’s safe with me.”

 

Tom’s face went a dark shade of scarlet that I’d never seen anyone’s face go, making us all laugh even harder.

 

“Screw you guys!” He snapped as he stormed out of the room. Unfortunately, Maya had already gone to where the men were all congregated and a loud bellow of laughter stopped him in his tracks.

 

Sighing, he turned and walked out of the door. I almost felt sorry for him, but if the roles were reversed, he’d be loving every second so he could just deal with it.

 

Brett

 

We’d been at Fin’s property for four days and I thought I’d be going crazy by now, but I really wasn’t. It was like a colder, wetter and much quieter version of home in many ways. There was also working internet and I could do all of the work that needed done, so I was fine.

 

I’d ventured into Shepton Mallet yesterday and then Frome today, and had fallen in love with both places. We were just pulling up in front of the house as the surprise that I hadn’t planned on squirmed in my lap - I’d also acquired a dog while I was in Frome.

 

“You’re such a fucking sap,” Coleman snorted as he got out of the car. I got out of my own side and hid the dog under my coat to stop it getting drenched by the rain.

 

I knew from Tom that the women had gone back to the hotel leaving the men with Tony and Sabine. My wife was currently having a nap which meant that I had some time to figure out how the hell I was going to break this surprise to her.

 

Putting it down on the floor, I walked toward the noise of the television coming from the living room and saw Tom sitting watching a snake program that I recognized as Sabine’s favorite one.

 

The dog had followed me into the living room and decided to investigate the stranger. Not paying attention, Tom patted its head as it sniffed his hand and then went to stroke it. When he encountered skin, he stopped and looked over the edge of the chair before screaming and curling up into a ball.

 

“What the fuck is that?”

 

“It’s a dog,” I sighed. “There was this old woman who was going into a retirement home. She was standing there crying her ass off on the sidewalk holding it, so I agreed to take the thing. I thought it would be a nice surprise for Sabine.”

 

“But, what the hell is it?” He looked so confused that I almost laughed. “Are we allowed to take weird beasts from here to the States?” He looked almost disgusted by the thought.

 

“I guess so?” I shrugged.

 

Tony chose that moment to walk in just as Tom was asking me yet again what it was. It was almost comical the way he did a triple take of the new addition to the family. What wasn’t comical though, was the pitch of his scream as he jumped on the couch. The dogs bark was almost the same pitch and with each bark, Tony screamed again making the dog bark in response.

 

“Will both of you shut the fuck up!” Fin yelled as he stormed into the room, looking between Tom and Tony. “You’re making the sheep go bloody nuts!”

 

The second Tony had stopped screaming, the dog had stopped barking, allowing us to hear the manic bleating of the sheep outside. Jesus Christ, if the screaming hadn’t woken Sabine up, that would.

 

“It wasn’t me screaming,” Tom argued. “Or barking for that matter!”

 

“What the fuck is that?” Tony asked, pointing at the dog and drawing Fin’s attention to it. His look was almost incredulous as he took it in.

 

“It’s a Chinese Crested,” I explained to them. At their incredulous looks, I snapped, “It’s a fucking dog! Holy shit, you’re a vet and you don’t know this?” I glared over at Fin who was shaking his head, still looking shocked at the new addition.

 

“Who told you that?” Tom asked, trying to crawl into the back of the couch as the dog walked toward him.

 

“The old chick,” I shrugged.

 

“Brett, honey,” Tony shook his head. “That’s the love child of a lion and a rat. They were lying out of their freak asses!”

 

The dog chose that moment to bark at us making us all scream. I’m not even ashamed to admit that I screamed too. The dog was a freak of nature with its fur around its head and bald body.

 

“What are you gonna call it?” Fin asked as he walked toward it, slowly extending his hand and making kissing noises. Every time the dogs nose twitched, Tony would whimper and cover his mouth.

 

“Puffy?” Tony mumbled around the fist that was now in his mouth, getting a glare from me.

 

I was saved from answering by my wife waddling into the room. “What’s with all of the…oh my GOD, is that a Chinese Crested?” She squealed, going over to the dog and catching it as it jumped up at her.

 

Smiling smugly at the fuckers in the room, I walked over to her and reached out to stroke the things head. I couldn’t bring myself to actually follow through and stroke it though. It was just too freaking weird.

 

“What’s are you going to call it?” Tom asked Sabine as she waddled over to the couch, sitting next to Tony as she cuddled the bald beast. Tony tried to be as discrete as possible, but there was no hiding the slide he did to the side of the couch before tipping off it and onto his knees.

 

“What about Simba?” I snorted. I mean, it had a long mane type thing around its head and a bald body, what else would I be thinking of?

 

“I love it,” Sabine squealed, scaring the shit out of the dog who yelped and shot off her lap and past Tony who was still on the floor. He screamed and went to hide behind the chair that Tom was sitting in. Unfortunately, his head hit the wall with a thud and down he went with his ass in the air and head on the ground. Before any of us could even pretend that we were going to help him, Simba came back in and started sniffing Tony’s ass. So, being the great friends that we were - Tom, Sabine and I all got our phones out and started taking photos and videos uploading them on Facebook as we went. We weren’t selfish after all.

 

Almost immediately the notifications started to ping on our phones. Looking at my screen, I noticed a trend with them as they all asked what it was that was sniffing Tony’s ass.

 

Sighing, I put my phone on silent and went to sit next to Sabine while we waited for Tony to wake up.

 

“Should I help him?” Fin asked from where he was now sitting in the chair that Gramps always took when he was here. It was one of the comfiest chairs that I’d ever sat on and almost swallowed people. We’d put Sabine on it the day that we arrived, but it had taken four of us to get her out of the cushions so we had put a permanent veto on her sitting on it until she had the baby.

 

Tony chose that moment to come back around and crawled over to a comfy chair, pulling himself up off the floor.

 

“Simba was all about the scent of your Matata,” Tom informed him as he watched the screen of the TV.

 

“What are you talking about?” Tony looked confused as he warily eyed Simba who was now sitting at his feet and wagging his tail. Not saying another word, Tom passed him his phone and watched as the guy on the TV went digging for a snake under the cupboards in a kitchen. There was a notification ping and a loud groan from Tony. “Lars just commented that my mom’s hair looks better like that…oh Jesus Jones, my aunt agreed.” His phone started to ring with the music that always accompanied Darth Vader in Star Wars. The second it started, Simba started to growl and snarl at the phone. “Did you sense the evil?” Tony cooed down at him. “Who’s a clever freaky looking boy?”

 

Gramps chose that moment to walk through the door and did a double take when he saw Simba. “Holy shit, did y’all steal a lion cub?”

 

Sighing, I settled back and put my hand on Sabine’s bump feeling my son move around under my fingers. It blew my mind that mere months ago, I didn’t have this, have her, and now we were about to become parents and I was married to the only woman who would ever be my world. Fuck me, I was lucky!

 

And when I got confirmation from France that my money had screamed in the right way, I’d rest easy.