~Cami~
“Breakfast is our thing,” I announce as we sit in my kitchen the next morning, sipping coffee and eating pancakes that Landon whipped up before I even left the bed this morning.
“We have a thing?” he asks, his brow raised.
“Yep, we do. And it’s breakfast.”
“Huh.” He seems to think this over before flipping a pancake on the griddle that I’m pretty sure I didn’t have yesterday. The man keeps adding to my kitchen appliance collection. “I thought our thing was hot sex.”
“Okay, we have two things.”
He smirks. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“Better. These pancakes were the perfect medicine.” Before I can slip the forkful of sweet pancake into my mouth, Landon grips my wrist and steals the bite for himself.
“Stealing a woman’s food isn’t a smart thing to do, you know.”
“You’ve never seemed to mind before,” he says with an unconcerned shrug, and pours the last of the batter onto the griddle.
“Are you home?” We hear Steven call out before he shuts the front door.
“In the kitchen!” I yell back, and glance down at what I’m wearing, relieved that I pulled on pants before coming downstairs for breakfast.
“I’m just in time,” Steven says with a smile, and sits next to me at the breakfast bar. “You never told me Landon could cook.”
“I didn’t think he could,” I reply around a full mouth.
“That’s polite,” Steven says, but I just smile at him, then open my mouth wide so he can see my half-chewed food. “And classy.”
“I’m a classy girl,” I reply as Landon slips some pancakes on a plate for Steven. “What’s up?”
“I came to find out if you liked your surprise.”
My closet!
I jump off my stool and wrap my arms around my nephew, then gross him out by kissing his face. “I love it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“I should have called,” Steven says, trying to push me away. “Help.”
Landon, laughing, just shakes his head. “You’re on your own.”
“So much for men sticking together,” Steven says, pushing my face away. “Seriously, I’m almost losing my appetite.”
I take mercy on him and bounce back onto my own stool. “I really love it, sweetie. Thank you so much for all of your hard work.”
He shrugs one shoulder, his eyes trained on his food. His cheeks redden under the praise. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
“It was a big deal to me,” I reply. “Also, you need a haircut.”
“God, you’re a nag,” he says, and scowls at me, then Landon. “Does she nag you like this?”
“He doesn’t need a haircut,” I say before Landon can reply.
“You’re worse than Mom,” he informs me, but his lips twitch and I can tell that he doesn’t really mind the tiny amount of parenting I dish out.
“No one is worse than your mom, but she loves you,” I say, suddenly missing my older sister, and make a mental note to give her a call later.
“Have you talked to her?” he asks me, his eyes suddenly wary. He glances up to Landon, making me look at Landon too, but he’s not watching us, he’s stuffing pancake in his mouth and cleaning up the breakfast mess.
“Not recently, why?”
“Good.” Steven lets out a gusty breath in relief. “Because I wanted to tell you myself.”
“Tell me what?”
He’s silent as he finishes his food. I’m convinced he’s doing this to me on purpose. All I can think is that he’s gotten his girlfriend pregnant, or they kicked him out and he’s going to ask to move in here, or he’s flunking out of school.
Please don’t let the girlfriend, whom I’ve never met, mind you, be pregnant.
“Killing me here, Steve.”
“Okay, but first you have to promise not to be mad.”
“Was your mom mad when you told her?” I ask, still racking my brain.
“No,” he says, and shakes his head.
“I can’t promise, but I’ll do my best.” I glance over at Landon, who’s now leaning back against the sink, his face impassive, completely calm.
Why do I get the feeling that I’m not going to be calm in about 3.2 seconds?
“I’m joining the Navy,” Steven blurts out, still not meeting my gaze.
I blink at him, then narrow my eyes in confusion. “Excuse me?”
“You know, the Navy?”
“I’m familiar with it, yes, but for a second there I thought you said that you’re joining it.”
“I did,” he says, and looks me in the eyes. “I already signed the paperwork. I ship off to basic in three weeks.”
My mouth won’t work. I’m pretty sure my lips have fallen off because I can’t find them. Steven is leaving?
Finally, Steven rolls his eyes and says, “You’re freaking out.”
“No,” I say, my voice breaking. “I’m not freaking out.”
I’m totally freaking out.
“Look, I think it’s a good idea. They’ll put me through school—”
“You’re going to school now,” I interrupt.
“But they’ll pay for it, Aunt Cami. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and when I talked to Landon about it the other day, he had lots of great things to say, and—”
He keeps talking, but my head has whipped around and I’m staring at my not-so-innocent boyfriend, who just holds my gaze with perfect calm.
“What did you do?” I demand, standing up and shoving my stool away.
“I answered some of his questions,” Landon says, and crosses his arms over his chest.
I refuse to think about how great his arms look when he does that. Because right now he’s not my hot boyfriend, he’s the person who is encouraging the only family member I have to leave me.
“Aunt Cami, it’s really a great thing.”
“No.” I spin and point my finger in Steven’s chest. “It’s not a great thing. It’s dangerous, and it takes you far away from home, and in case you’ve missed it, world affairs are more than a little shaky right now, Steven. Are you telling me you want to run off to war?”
“He’s not running off to war,” Landon says, and I spin on him now.
“You are not helping! Why would you encourage this?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, his voice rising with mine. His ice-blue eyes are flashing with annoyance. “What in the hell is wrong with the Navy, Cami? In case you’ve forgotten, it more than paid my bills and took care of me very nicely for a decade!”
“Yes, and it also took you far away from all of the people who gave a shit about you! You came home every other year to say hi, and then you were off again, until one day we got a phone call and you’d almost died!”
“I’m not going to be a pilot,” Steven says, surprisingly calmly.
“You’re not going to be anything in the goddamned Navy,” I say, my voice hard. I’m panting. I can’t catch my breath. “You’re going to stay here and—”
“And what?” Landon demands, on a roll now. “Do what you tell him he can do? He may be young, but he’s an adult, Cami. You can’t make him do anything. You’re not his mother. And even if you were, this is not an irresponsible decision.”
“How the fuck do you know?” I ask, yelling now. “You were always gone.”
Landon visibly takes a deep breath, then walks around the island and toward the kitchen door.
“You’re leaving?” I demand. “I piss you off, so you bail?”
He stops cold, then turns around, and before I can react, grabs my face in his hands and kisses me hard. Still holding me, he pulls back and says, “We’re both too pissed off to resolve this right now. I need some space and you need to talk to your nephew and calm the fuck down.”
With that, he kisses me once more then stomps out, slamming the front door behind him.
“Aunt Cami.” Steven’s voice is gentle, and to be honest, he sounds disappointed, and that just breaks my heart in two.
“Steven—”
“No, just take a breath and listen to me. This is a good thing, Cami. I need to get my feet under me.”
“You’re a kid. No one your age has their feet under them.”
“I will not be a freeloader for the rest of my life,” he says, and begins to pace the kitchen. “I’m living with a girl that I don’t even particularly like because I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“You can come here.”
“And mooch off you? No. It’s time for me to be on my own.”
“Once you finish school and get a good job—”
“I’m flunking out,” he says quietly. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d be disappointed in me, but school isn’t going well, Cami. Shit, I don’t even know what I want to do, and the classes I’m taking are a waste of time. My whole life feels like a waste of time right now.”
“You are not a waste of time.”
“I love you too,” he says, and makes my eyes fill. “I know that I owe you a lot.”
“You don’t owe me anything. Family helps family because we love each other.”
“I know. But it’s time for me to help myself too.”
I take a long, deep breath and try to clear my head. All I can think is, he’s going to leave and I’ll hardly ever see him from now on, and that just breaks my heart.
“The Navy is a good place to start, Cami. I’ll make decent money, have a place to live, see a bit of the world, and when I figure out what I want to be when I grow up”—a smile tickles his lips, making him look so much younger—“I’ll have school paid for. I don’t want to bus tables forever, I know that.”
I chew my lip and stare at the boy whose diapers I used to change. I taught him how to drive. I took him to see movies his mom wouldn’t let him see. He’s been one of my closest friends his whole life, and now he wants to leave me and make a life of his own.
If this is what it feels like to be a parent, I might just pass on the whole fucking deal because it’s nothing but heartache.
“When did you get smart and stuff?” I sniff loudly.
“I’m a smart guy,” he says with a shrug. “And why are you all . . .” He waves his hands around like he can’t find the words.
“Wonderful? Gorgeous? Your favorite person in the world?”
“Spazzy.”
“Spazzy?”
“Yeah. I expected this from Mom, but I thought you’d be cooler about it.”
“That’s why you looked so nervous to tell me?”
“Okay, I thought you’d be calmer than you were. You don’t usually act like that.”
He’s right. What the hell has been wrong with me lately?
I shrug, and Steven starts talking about where he’ll be completing basic training, and how a friend of his is enlisting with him, and I nod, but his voice fades as I start thinking.
What is wrong with me? First, the wine upset my stomach in Seattle, making for two days of the icks. In fact, Landon’s pancakes were the first thing to sit well on my stomach all week.
I’m exhausted too. Even though I just got out of bed an hour ago, I could already use a nap. Some of that might be emotional exhaustion, but it’s very unusual for me.
“Aunt Cami?”
“What?” I shake my head, pulling myself out of my thoughts.
“I asked you a question.”
“Sorry, can you ask again?”
He frowns. “You’re seriously weird today.”
“I guess I might be about to get a visit from Mother Nature,” I reply with a shrug, and that makes him raise his hands in surrender and back toward the front door.
“And, I’m out. Girl talk like that is disgusting.”
I laugh and shake my head as he leaves. That’s most likely the solution. I do sometimes get sleepy around that time of the month, and Lord knows I can be bitchy.
That’s got to be it.
I take our plates to the sink and rinse them, then stop cold.
Wait.
“Oh God, no.” I run out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedroom and fish around in the vanity drawer for my pills.
I finished the pack almost two weeks ago. But I never got my period. Which means I didn’t refill them and start taking the new ones because I didn’t get my period, which reminds me to get the motherfucking pills.
“I can’t be pregnant,” I say to Scoot, who has just wandered into the room behind me to see what in the world I’m doing. “I would have had to get pregnant while I was still taking the pills, and that’s not possible.”
I bite my thumbnail and pace my bedroom.
“Is it?”
Oh God.
“Okay, Cami, calm down. You’re not a teenager for God sake. You’re a grown woman in a loving relationship.”
Don’t tell Landon!
I shake my head. No way. What if it pisses him off? Scares him?
Wait.
He’s also an adult.
“Go talk to Landon,” I tell myself, and swiftly change my clothes, paying no attention in the least to whether or not what I’m wearing matches. I’m wearing a bra and pants, for fuck sake, that’s all that matters.
This is a good plan. Landon will know what to do. Or maybe I should just call one of the girls because if it’s a false alarm, there’s no reason to freak Landon out.
But if the tables were turned and he went to a friend before he came to me, I’d be pissed.
So I should just go. Right now.
I slide my feet into flip-flops, not giving two shits that it’s mid-March in Portland, grab my purse and keys, and drive the short distance to Landon’s house.
I march up to the door and knock before I chicken out and run back home.
After what feels like hours, Landon opens the door.
“I think I fucked up.”
His face softens and he shakes his head while opening the door wider so I can come inside. “No, babe. It’s okay. We’re going to fight now and then, and I know that you love Steven.”
“What?” I look around, like he’s talking to someone else, then realize that we’ve already had a doozy of a fight this morning. “Oh, that! No. I mean, yes, I shouldn’t have said what I did to you, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“Are you wearing flip-flops?”
“Will you please focus?” I demand, and pace into his living room.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m late.”
“For what?” He frowns. “And if you’re late, why are you here?”
“We are having a serious communication issue today,” I mutter, and scrub my fingers over my forehead. “I’m late.”
His jaw drops for a moment, but he recovers quickly, swallows, and says, “Okay, we need to go to the pharmacy.”
“For what?”
He smiles gently, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
“We need to get a test, baby. I don’t have any rabbits handy and I’m not psychic.”
“Oh! Right.” I nod. “Why are you so calm?”
He smiles and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles, and leads me out to his car. “Because there’s no need to be anything but calm.”
Except, there could be. And then what?
“WE’VE BEEN STANDING in this aisle for ten minutes,” I say as Landon reads the back of a purple box. He’s read every single brand there is. “They’re all pretty much the same, Landon.”
“How many have you taken in the past?” he asks, not looking up from the box.
“None.”
“Right, so you’re an expert.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m a woman.”
“I’ve noticed.”
Okay, now he’s just being difficult.
Finally, he drops one of each brand into the basket and guides me to the check out.
“You’re getting all of them?”
“Yes.”
I keep my mouth shut as we make our way to the register.
“That’s a lot of pregnancy tests,” the older woman says with a laugh as she begins ringing them up and tossing them in bags. “You know, they’re all basically the same.”
“That’s what I said!”
Landon just smiles and shakes his head at the lady. “We’re fine.”
“It’s your money,” she says with a shrug. “That’ll be ninety-six sixteen.”
Almost a hundred dollars for pregnancy tests!
That’s ridiculous. I roll my eyes again, but Landon pays without a word. When we’re in the car, he turns to me and drags his knuckles down my cheek, immediately calming me. “Would you feel more comfortable at my place or yours?”
“My car is at your house.”
“That wasn’t my question.”
I chew my lip for a moment. “I’d rather go to mine. That’s where we’ve spent most of our time together.”
He smiles gently. “Your place it is, sweetheart.”
He’s quiet on the ride to my place, but he keeps my hand tightly in his, our fingers linked. His composure has calmed me and I’m finally able to take a deep breath.
“That’s better,” he murmurs, and kisses my hand. “Just breathe.”
I nod and hold my breath for the length of a block before he laughs.
“You’re not breathing.”
“Oops.”
He finally pulls into my driveway, grabs the two bags of tests, and once we’re inside, I take them from him. “You can stay down here.”
“I’m coming up.”
“Okay, but you can’t come in the bathroom with me.”
He cocks a brow. “Why not.”
“I’m not going to pee in front of you!”
He simply chuckles and gestures for me to lead the way upstairs.
When we get to the bathroom, I turn around and hug him hard around the middle. “Before I go in, I just want you to know that I love you.”
“Cami,” he says, and kisses my head. “You’re coming out alive, I promise.”
“I know I’m being dramatic.” I sigh and pull back. “But this is kind of freaking me out.”
“I see that.” He smiles reassuringly and kisses my forehead. “We got this, babe.”
I nod, not reassured in the least. “Right. We totally got this.”
I walk into the bathroom, close and lock the door, and turn to the mirror. I step out of my flip-flops and frown when I realize that my feet aren’t just wet, they’re muddy.
Because it’s March in Portland, Einstein.
“You don’t have to lock it!” Landon calls out. “I’m not going to burst in on you while you pee!”
“Go far enough away so you can’t hear me pee either!”
I hear him mutter something about women, but I can’t make anything else out when I turn the faucet on, just in case.
Peeing when you know someone is waiting for you is harder than it sounds.
I take a deep breath and lean on the counter, looking at myself in the mirror.
“This could be a mess,” I whisper, “and I’m not just talking about the pee mess. I’m talking about everything, but you are a big girl. It’s going to be okay.”
Do I actually want to be pregnant? I really don’t have to ponder that question. I don’t. Well, I do, eventually, but not yet. Things with Landon are still relatively new, and I want to be selfish and just let it be the two of us for a while before we think about bringing little people into the mix. I want to plan a wedding, if he asks, and I want to maybe take a trip or two with him. Maybe he can show me Italy or Ireland or even Florida.
I’ve never been to Florida.
But when I think of the possibility of having kids, Landon is the only one that I want to have them with. He’s the only man that I want to be the father of my children, and if it turns out that I am pregnant, well, I guess we’ll deal with it.
It can be as easy or as difficult as we make it.
I stare at myself for an extra few seconds, and then shrug in resignation because I am so not convincing myself here.
I dump the contents of both bags onto the counter and stare at all of them in disbelief. How in the world am I supposed to pick one? One tells you if you’re pregnant five days before the others. Or at least, that’s what it claims. That should be good, right?
But another one actually has the words pregnant and not pregnant, instead of the blue lines, so an idiot can figure it out.
And I sure feel like an idiot right now, so I choose that one, open the box and pull the stick out, uncap it, and wrinkle my nose.
“What’s taking so long?” Landon calls.
“You bought four hundred tests!” I shake my head and then I can’t help it. I bust up laughing at the hilarity of it all.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because this is ridiculous!”
“Did you pee?”
“No, and I won’t if you keep yelling at me through the door.” I shake my head. What in the hell ever happened to privacy?
Although, if this puppy is positive, I’m going to do a lot more in front of Landon than just pee. That’ll be the least of my worries.
And why am I being such a damn sissy?
Because that’s the only part of this that I have any control over, at this stage in the game anyway.
So, with a quick prayer, I unzip my jeans.