CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

PEPPER

I stabbed my shovel into the ground and wiped the sweat from my brow. 

The back of my neck felt like it was on fire. I wrapped my bandanna around my neck in an attempt to block the sun beating down on me. 

With a final drink of water and shaking the emptying bottle over my head and neck, I grabbed the shovel handle and got back to work. 

I'd been working nonstop for three straight days, pausing only to eat, hydrate and collapse into bed before doing it all again. 

If I stopped moving, stopped doing anything, I'd start thinking of him. And my heart wouldn't be able to handle that he was gone. 

"Idle hands may do the devil's work, but an idle mind will send you straight to Hell." 

Dad always said something like that. I figured it was his way of saying keeping your mind occupied was just as, if more important than keeping your body moving. 

I never saw him work so hard and do so much as when after Mom left. He didn't allow himself a single moment for the heartbreak and loss to sink in and make him idle. 

And here I was doing the exact same thing after driving Reagan away. 

He stopped calling and leaving voicemails yesterday, which hurt more than I hoped it would. 

The bruises on my ass and hips from our last time together were just starting to fade. I didn't want them to. I didn't want him to fade away from my life like he was never here. 

My body craved him like an addiction. Every night my skin ached to feel the weight and heat of him on top of me. To have my breath stolen away by his kisses again and to feel him fill me up from the inside. 

I didn't want to want him. But my heart couldn't let go either. 

I had to remember he was bad for me. He led me astray from what I was meant to do. He led me directly to her. 

Seeing her was like looking in a mirror into the future. It was staggering. 

For years I convinced myself my mother and I would never set foot in the same hemisphere, let alone the same party. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with getting her hands dirty, feeling the sun burn her to a crisp like I was right then.

Meeting Reagan and falling for him led me down the same path she walked in such small, incremental steps that I didn’t even realize it until I came face to face with her. He led me down so warmly and gently into a pool of water, I didn’t realize when the water came over my head until I started to drown. 

You almost lost me like you lost her, Dad, I said silently. But you didn’t. I’m all this place has left and I’m going to care for it like my child until my dying days. I’ll never go astray again.

I moved on from shoveling compost to checking the rooted vegetables for harvest. The potato plant foliage had died back which meant they were ready to be picked.

My hands rooted through the dirt in search of those round, firm shapes. I watched as they disappeared under the dark, cool earth before surfacing again. When I glanced up at the sun began to set, I half-expected to see Dad kneeling there, working right alongside me. 

We're part of this earth, Pepps. Just like the vegetables, the vines, and the trees. They nourish us and become part of us. Taking care of the earth is taking care of what really matters. Life. Sustenance. Health. 

I refocused on the ground in front of me and didn't look up until the sun dipped low behind the hill and I could barely see my hands. 

There's no better satisfaction than losing yourself in your work. Dad's sayings were coming to me left and right that day. I could practically feel him there and it made me miss him terribly. 

I rose to my feet and rubbed my aching knees for a minute before trudging back toward the house with a full sack of potatoes in each hand. Bonny trotted right at my side, a wide doggy-smile on her face and her tongue lolling out. 

A hot bath sounded fantastic after a day like today. Maybe I'd even treat myself to a colorful bath bomb and a weed cookie. 

I'd been avoiding marijuana after the night of the party out of worry that it would amplify all my negative feelings. I didn't need my heartache and longing to turn into a deep depression, nor did I need my resentment toward my mother to become any deeper like a festering wound. 

But today I was too tired to think about anything but a relaxing bath and peaceful sleep.

I didn't see her standing on my porch at first. Bonny stopped abruptly, her nose, back, and tail pointing stiffly in a straight line, and she let out a low warning growl. 

The sight of her on my front porch almost made me drop my sacks of potatoes, but I tightened my grip on them instead. I found it unfortunate that I was still too far away to swing them and hit her. 

She stood watching me like some kind of ominous figure. The early evening breeze made her stylish maxi dress and shawl swirl and flutter around her. Her hair did the same under her wide-brimmed sun hat, which shielded her eyes but I knew exactly what they looked like. 

Mine. And I hated that. 

I hated sharing any physical resemblance, let alone half of my DNA with this woman, but I could deal with it when I knew that we would never see each other again. Now that she had to reappear in my life like a bad dream, she wasn't a stranger to me anymore.

Even so, she was a stranger to this property. A trespasser. It no longer mattered that she gave birth to me in that house behind her. She didn't belong here. 

I tried to stay calm as I approached her but my arms were tense and filled with coiled up rage with the heavy bags on each end. If only they would magically morph into a pair of guns, I'd feel a lot better about approaching her.

She's not my mother, I told myself as I got close enough to make out smaller details like her diamond earrings and cross-body Givenchy purse. She's never been a mother to me. She's just a trespasser on my property that needs to leave.

Those thoughts gave me strength as I finally reached the bottom step of the porch and looked up at her expectantly.  

"Hello Pepper," she said with a smile, her voice syrupy smooth and warm.

"Hello Janice," I said, pointedly addressing her by her first name. 

Her mouth twitched ever so slightly at hearing her own name in my voice. 

What did you expect me to say? 'Mommy, you're back and I missed you so much!'?

"Can I help you with something?" I asked as cordially as I could muster. 

"I was hoping we could sit down and talk," she replied.

My eyes darted around suspiciously toward her Escalade parked just under the hop vines. A uniformed driver sat reclined in the driver's seat, texting on his phone. 

"It's just me here," Janice said a bit eagerly. "I wanted to talk to you on my own."

"Fine," I said, gesturing toward the front door as I ascended the porch steps. "But I don't have a lot of time. I have an early day again tomorrow." 

Janice's smile twitched disapprovingly again before she forced it back into place. 

"Yes, of course. I won't keep you." 

I set the potato bags down, my arms suddenly light and free as I led us through the front door and into the kitchen. 

Janice spun around in a slow circle, gazing at every detail in her view. 

"This place is just like how I remember it," she said dreamily and chuckled. "I always wanted to add little upgrades here and there but neither you nor your father really cared for change."

I said nothing but clenched my jaw as I took my place at the kitchen table. She had some serious audacity to come in here and reminisce about the good old days. 

Bonny took her place at my side and turned her head away when Janice held her hand out to pet her.

"Beautiful dog," she beamed in an attempt to fill the awkward tension in the room. "Alfred and I have two Samoyeds. Aren't animals just the best?" 

"What did you want to talk about, Janice?" I asked, my patience growing thin. 

She got the hint and sat down on the rickety dining chair across from me. I couldn't get over how eerie it felt when she looked at me. Her eyes, her lips, her nose. I saw them every day when I looked in the mirror. But her face was thinner and her cheekbones more prominent. I wondered if she got those implanted after starting her new life. 

"You love him," she said abruptly. 

I blinked, taken aback.

"Excuse me?" 

"You love him," she repeated. "And he clearly loves you. I could see it in how protective he was at the party."

I couldn't deny it. But there was no way in hell I was going to admit it, even if she already knew. I'd never give her a weakness to use against me. 

"What's your point?" I snapped.

Janice had the nerve to look aghast at my hostility.

"My point is you should be with him," she replied in a clipped tone. "You're out there working like a dog for what? You're not happy. He makes you happy so forget this place and go be with him." 

"How would you know?" I demanded, my voice rising. "How can you even act like you know anything about me?" 

"Because you're my daughter," she said simply. "And I knew your father. I know he loved you in his own way but he never allowed you to figure out what made you happy." 

"At least he stayed!" I said, feeling the hot rush of tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "He raised me by himself with no help even when he got sick again! He taught me what really mattered! And that's not fucking clothes or jewelry or any of that shit."

She sat like a statue while I used all of my remaining strength to keep myself together.

"But are you happy, Pepper? Even without money?" 

I wheezed out an exasperated sigh, knowing she'd never listen and we'd just be going around in circles. 

"Look, I know you don't really care," I said. "You wouldn't be here unless you wanted something and I'm not interested in whatever deal you have. So you need to leave." 

“Pepper, I do care,” she insisted, breaking her cool facade for the first time. “I’ve always cared. I’ve laid awake at night for years thinking about you.” 

Her lower lip trembled. "I fucked up badly, sweetheart. I know that. If I could go back and do it differently, I would in a heartbeat." 

I took a deep, staggering breath. 

"What exactly would you do differently?"

The question left my mouth before I could think about if I wanted to know the answer or not. 

Janice's chin steadied. Her eyes were sharp and her voice was strong, proving she thought about this hundreds of times before.

"I would've taken you with me."