Chapter Ten
To be honest, Jay didn’t think he’d ask either. It wasn’t like he needed a shower, having coped with one by himself earlier that day. But what Ann had said at the pub niggled his mind, especially when seeing Seb so deflated. He’d thought he better throw the bloke a bone. One he hoped would stay hard this time.
Seb took his hand and led him up the stairs, allowing the extra time Jay needed. He didn’t complain. He didn’t demand to go faster, and amazingly he didn’t say anything either. He remained quiet, tugging Jay into the main bathroom and switching on the waterfall shower. He waggled his fingers under the spray, checking the temperature while Jay fumbled out of his gear.
Trying to close off his mind, Jay willed with every fibre of his being for this to go well. Too many attempts and too many let downs had him already fearing the worst. It wasn’t down to his mood. It hadn’t been down to the pain either, nor so much the not wanting to. He’d been told using the high dosage of pain-killers could affect his performance, and not the one on the pitch. He’d refrained for a couple of days. Dealing with the pain, if only to see what would happen. Now he needed to not think, and to just feel.
When Seb turned, Jay sucked in a breath. Those dark eyes found his and Jay saw everything behind them. Everything that had always been there. The lust, the passion, the man he was and had become. For me. But most of all he could see the love hadn’t faltered. It hurt to think he’d pushed this man away so often. He had to make that up to him. He had to prove he wasn’t finished, he wasn’t over, he was Jay—his Champ, even if Seb hadn’t used the pet name for some time. I gotta give him a reason to come back.
“Water’s hot.” Seb unfastened the buttons on his shirt, revealing the plectrum pendant that hung down to his sternum.
Jay licked his lips and stepped forward. He took hold of the necklace, stroking the platinum between a thumb and forefinger. Seb never took it off. Not even to shower, and Jay should cling to that if nothing else. Letting it go to rest against the coarse dark hairs scattered across Seb’s chest, Jay breathed in and slid his hands beneath Seb’s shirt to shrug him out of it. The top drifted to the floor and Seb took over the rest, unfastening his belt and hopping out of his tight jeans. He stood there almost vulnerable, naked with only the tattoos covering his skin. The tattoos that showed who he was, and who he had been—musician, poet, dreamer and a lover. And that suddenly brought Jay to a haunting reality. Seb had so much past, had had so many lovers, and a wealth of sexual experience. Seb craved it, and it had signified who he was for so long. But now Jay was who he had to live with—a man who couldn’t match up.
“How you wanna do this?” Seb asked, lightly, almost as though he feared the answer. “And are you sure you can?” His gaze drifted to Jay’s groin, or perhaps it was lower, Jay wasn’t sure. So he quirked an eyebrow for confirmation.
“I mean the knee,” Seb rushed out. “The pain?”
Swiping away the metaphorical slap to his face, Jay kissed Seb for what felt like forever. He didn’t want to stop, and Seb allowed it, twirling his tongue inside Jay’s mouth in reunion. Jay did his best to switch off, to leave Seb to refuel their spark. The way Seb had done so many times previously—from Jay’s first time with a man, to the moment Jay knew he couldn’t ever be with anyone else. Seb was ready, willing, and hard. Jay reluctantly pulled away and looked down. The glorious sight of Seb’s cock pointing back at him, seeping precum from the head in impatience, sent Jay reeling through conflicting emotions. He wanted to devour it, to be able to lower to his knees and honour it the way it deserved to be. Not only was that impossible for him right then, but the effortless way Seb’s cock demanded attention, like the man himself, only proved how inferior Jay was beside him.
“C’mon, handsome. Let’s get you dirty before I clean you up.” Seb smirked and reached over Jay’s shoulder to open the bathroom cupboard, taking out the lube. “I’ve waited so long for this.”
And there it was. Proof that Seb needed this. Needed sex. And Jay hadn’t been providing it for him. He quivered. Why is this so terrifying? Was it the fear that it could hurt? That it might do more damage to his knee and prevent recovery? Was it that he wouldn’t be able to fuck hard, something Seb encouraged every now and then? Or was it something else? Something more inherent? Whatever it was, he had to get the fuck over it. So he watched Seb squeezing lube onto his fingers in preparation, hoping just the sight would be enough to dial up his desire.
“Seb—”
“Shh.” Seb threw the tube into the sink, the steam from the pelting hot shower hazing around the bathroom and clouding his features. “Just let me.”
Jay didn’t have much of a choice as Seb slapped his mouth onto his and kissed him with an appetite that was far greater than his need for Pralines and Cream. It fired Jay’s gut, and he willed it down to his groin so he could prove he yearned for this as much as Seb obviously did. Impatience overtook and Seb cupped Jay’s balls, fondling them between his fingers, ignoring the fact that Jay’s dick still remained unprovoked. Jay fluttered his eyes closed and Seb slithered his wet fingers through Jay’s legs, coating Jay’s taint with the lube. It felt good, it did. Like a low tide rippling along the surface, before a crash of wave raged over his mind.
Seb kissed him, eagerness sparking his darkened eyes. “There you are.” Hovering to Jay’s side, he slipped a hand around Jay’s back and stroking along his buttocks before gliding a sodden finger between the crevice of his cheeks. “Whichever way you want it, baby.”
“Shit.” Jay closed his eyes as Seb bit down on his lip and teased his hole. He had no idea how he wanted it. Just wanting it was enough at this point. Gripping the edge of the sink beside him, he urged the dull ache niggling along his left leg to piss off and make way for the swelling of pleasure to flow freely. To set him free.
“Missed you, baby.” Seb nipped at Jay’s earlobe and trailed kisses along his neck while working his way closer, and closer, until—
Jay gasped. Seb edged his finger through the ring of muscle and thrust in, crooking to stroke at the right spot that Seb always managed to find so quickly, so easily. He ghosted his other hand over Jay’s balls and rubbed along his shaft, enticing it to come up to play.
When only a flicker of a response was met from Seb’s hand alone, he slapped his mouth from Jay’s and lowered to a crouch. He buried his face in Jay’s groin and licked everywhere, teasing with an urgency Jay knew he must be feeling. ’Cause he was too. Frustration apparent, Seb wrapped his dripping hand around his own cock and stroked, taking Jay’s into his mouth and easing the soft flesh in and out.
Water dripped from the open door of the shower and spilled onto the floor, pooling around Seb’s feet. Jay grunted as the rush of blood finally went to where it was needed more. His cock inflated in Seb’s mouth and Seb hummed, sucking in the extra girth with greed.
“That’s it. Fuck, yeah, don’t stop.” Jay gripped the sink tighter with one hand, curling his other into a ball. He trembled, anticipation surging through his entire body and clung onto the porcelain, along with the hope that this was the release he needed. That this was would be where his recovery could begin.
Burying his nose into the trimmed hairs of Jay’s groin, Seb peered up and Jay was now fairly certain Seb was getting somewhere. A groan vibrated his throat. He so wanted to let go of the sink and trail his fingers through Seb’s hair—to help him along, to guide him, to show him he wanted it. But all he had was his words.
“Seb.”
Seb muffled a response, a slight curve of his lips around the hardening cock and met with Jay’s gaze. Speeding up, Seb shifted his position, trailing a hand between Jay’s legs to tease his balls. This was it, this was fucking good and Jay was there, ready, able…willing.
Then Seb slipped, his feet sliding into the puddle of shower water. Making a grab for the sink, his mouth fell from Jay’s dick and he flailed, falling forward onto his knees and bashed his shoulder against Jay’s leg. Pain wrenched through Jay’s knee and he fell back, floundering for something to hold him up. Finding nothing but the metal towel rail behind him, he sucked in through gritted teeth as the heat scorched his palm.
“Shit, baby, no.” Seb stood and pulled Jay away, holding him upright.
Jay clung onto him, panting.
“Stupid move. We’ll take this to the bedroom.” Seb draped Jay’s arm around his shoulders and attempted to drag him out.
Jay hobbled, throbbing pain making it difficult to even limp. He hung his head and slapped a hand along the wall to hop the rest of the way to their bedroom. Seb lowered him to the mattress and Jay flopped back, throwing an arm over his eyes to prevent Seb from seeing the tormented tears. He’d think it was for the pain. It wasn’t. It was for not being able to do the most basic of needs for his boyfriend. The moment gone, passed, and Jay couldn’t muster the energy to try again.
“Sorry.” The apology was muffled into Jay’s arm.
“No, I am.” Seb crawled on the bed beside him and cuddled up. “Just give it a minute and we’ll try again.”
“I can’t, Seb. I can’t.”
“Okay, okay.” Seb kissed the falling tears that escaped from under Jay’s arm. He pushed it away to look him in the eye. “Baby…”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry.” Curling an arm around Jay’s face, Seb hugged him to his chest.
“What if this is it, Seb? This. Me? A man who can’t fuck you the way you need, who can’t get on his knees for you anymore.”
“Jay,” Seb breathed out. “I don’t need you on your knees. I need you in my arms.”
That was all it took, and the tears fell freely. Jay swivelled on his side and buried his face into Seb’s chest. “Just lie with me.” He sniffled. “For a bit, at least.” His tousled hair fell into his stinging eyes.
Seb scraped it back and planted a soft kiss to Jay’s forehead. “Always.”
If Seb had left him, Jay wasn’t aware as he passed out in a comatose state of pain.
* * * *
Seb awoke early and slipped out of bed, a shame to leave Jay there but he thought it best to give the bloke the rest he needed after last night’s clusterfuck of a fuck attempt. And because the embarrassment of it all still lingered on his mind, itching him like a skin blemish. He shouldn’t have been so demanding. He should have taken it easy. They should have just showered, properly, and bathed in love rather than Seb going straight for sex. He’d thought that was what Jay had meant, had wanted. Maybe it had been, until the slapstick slipping incident. It still made him feel like crap that he’d resorted to type rather than stepping up and taking care of his man the way he should.
He didn’t bother going for the run he’d mentioned. It had been a feeble attempt at reaching Jay. Instead he went out to collect his suit from the tailors down the high street and purchased a couple of takeout coffees and pastries on the way back. At least that might soften the awkwardness of the night before.
The echoing grunts and yelps that bounced off the walls as Seb returned home put him on edge. He winced. Those painful cries coming from his boyfriend had become an all-too-familiar sound. With unease in his gut, he clipped his suit over the living room door, threw the breakfast peace offerings in the kitchen and bounded up the stairs two at a time. Their bedroom was empty, covers in a sprawled mess, but the door down the hall to Jay’s gym, which had become more a therapy room, was slightly ajar. Seb tiptoed to the end and peered in.
Jay lay on his back on the floor matt, Ewa kneeling in front of him and lifting his leg, bending it at the joint, and looking every bit like she was torturing his boyfriend. Apparently keeping active was key to Jay’s recovery.
Biting a thumbnail, Seb stepped back. And for some reason, thought it was a good idea to listen through the gap.
“Are you running yet?” Ewa asked, which was immediately followed by a grunt from Jay.
“Light jogging, yeah.” Jay’s stifled voice told the blatant lie.
Seb shook his head.
“Good. That’ll help. But this still feels stiff.” Ewa tapped his knee and Jay grimaced, sucking in between gritted teeth. “And feels a bit tender today. Have you knocked it?”
Seb winced.
“Yeah, a bit. Last night,” Jay replied. “Tried something stupid. Doubt that’ll happen again.”
Closing his eyes, Seb hefted out a sigh. All his goddamn fault.
“What did you try?” Ewa’s voice had an air of concern in her elevation.
Jay breathed out, heavily, and the silence made Seb assume he was communicating via other means to the woman who was getting more intimate with Jay than Seb had for the last few months.
“I see.” Ewa chuckled. “Well, the road to recovery can be a lonely one, so sometimes it’s a good idea to allow someone to walk alongside you.”
“Is that some kinda physio poetry?”
“No. Although, I seem to recall a song might have said something similar.” Ewa pushed back on Jay’s leg, bending it at the knee.
“Don’t say it’s a Drops song.”
“Surely you would know.” Ewa set Jay’s leg to the floor and stepped back, hands on her hips. “All I’ll say is that I’ve dealt with these injuries a long time. I’ve dealt with sportsmen and women who are out of the game for a while. I know how it affects them. Let him in. Let him know how you feel. Let him take some of the pressure off you.”
Seb didn’t wait for Jay’s reply as Ewa started packing away her things into her duffel bag, so he scarpered, quietly, back down the stairs and into the kitchen. He set up the plates for the pastries and sat at the island, flipping through the various papers and magazines that had been delivered that morning. Ewa joined him a short time after, giving a brief nod of greeting and filled her water bottle at the sink.
“I don’t know how he resists those sad puppy eyes.” Ewa smiled, screwing the top on her bottle.
Seb snorted. He hadn’t been aware he’d been staring at her, willing for her to give him some good news. “How is he?”
“Surely you know the answer to that?”
“I’ll rephrase. How is the knee? Really?”
“It’s okay. It takes time to heal and get full range of movement. But it looks healthy enough. The last operation has done its job.”
“Is there a but in there?”
“Recuperation is as much about the mind as it is the damaged ligaments.”
Seb nodded, understanding. All too well. “What can I do to help?”
“Well.” Ewa pushed away from the sink and slung her bag over her shoulder. “Stretches, gentle exercise, lay off the painkillers. All of which he’s been told. You can ensure he does them.” She headed toward the archway. “And maybe a night out?”
Seb smiled. “I got one planned.”
“Good. I’m due again in a couple of days.”
“Thanks, Ewa.”
As she left, Jay entered. Seb pushed over the takeout coffee and pastry toward him, which he took with a grateful nod and tucked in straight away. Seb smiled, mostly to himself and soaked up the remaining news.
“Seb?” Jay cut the silence, wiping the crumbs from his fingertips down his shorts.
“Hmm?” Seb peered up from the paper, meeting crystal-clear blue eyes.
“About last night…”
“Hey, forget it. I’m sorry, completely my fault. I took things a bit far. I just couldn’t help it. Never can with you.” He winked. “So, we’ll chalk it up to my stupidity and just see where things go from here, right?” That was light, carefree, whilst also heartfelt. He was rather proud of himself.
Jay nodded. “The bathroom’s a bit of a mess.”
“Luckily, I booked the cleaner for tomorrow morning.”
“Soon as I’m better, she goes.”
“Ooo, you drive a hard bargain.” Seb grinned. Jay’s sudden positivity was infectious. Perhaps it was time for something more. “I got an hour before I need to go rehearse. Fancy a proper brunch?” He twisted from the stool and headed over to the fridge, pulling open the double doors.
“Like what?”
Scanning the limited contents in the fridge, Seb furrowed his brow. Cooking hadn’t ever been something he was interested in. But perhaps he needed to start making an effort. “Eggs?”
“I can’t eat your scrambled shit again.”
Seb peered over his shoulder, and added a mocking expression of hurt, then turned back to the fridge. “We got some cheese. Leftover salmon. Oily fish good for the prostate.” He winked. “Omelette?”
“You’re gonna have a bash at an omelette?”
“I’ll have you know, James ‘Rutters’ Ruttman, that when I have a bash at anything, I usually come out on top.”
Jay snorted. “All right, I’m game if you are.”
Was that a come on? As much as Seb hoped it was, he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. This was all about the cooking. And proving to Jay that they could do all the normal things, that they could get back to being a couple. So he set to pulling out the ingredients he assumed he needed, spreading them along the kitchen counter and finding where in all the units the frying pan would be kept.
“Last drawer on the right.” Jay pointed to a what appeared to be the end of the built-in units.
“That’s a drawer?” Seb’s elevated his voice as he stumbled upon the hidden cove. On pulling a drawer free, he gasped. “When the fuck do we ever use all this shit?” He rummaged through the baskets of pristine aluminium saucepans, griddles and frying pans that he swore he hadn’t seen in all their time living here, or in the flat in Limehouse.
“You know when you said you unpacked?” Jay tapped his hands against the island. “Did you not notice them?”
“I believe your mother was in charge of the kitchen.” He tugged out a deep-dished frying pan and clanged it onto one of the farmhouse range cooker hobs. “Right. Bowl.” Seb slapped his hands to his thighs, glancing up at the rest of the units.
“If you ain’t got a clue where the bowls are, I’m gonna start to worry.”
“I do. I do.” He didn’t and hovered over to a cupboard below him.
Jay shook his head. Seb side-stepped to the next, hand in the air to the door above. Jay pinched the bridge of his nose and Seb had to bite his bottom lip through a smile. Jay stood, then limped toward the L-shape units. He pulled the bottom drawer open and produced a porcelain mixing bowl which he handed over to Seb.
“Much obliged.” Seb set it down and cracked a couple of eggs into it. Seasoning, he knew that one, and ground salt and pepper on top. The cooking utensils stuck out from the shiny black holder on the counter and Seb hummed before pulling the wooden spoon free.
“Hold up.” Jay stepped behind him and grabbed the spoon from his hand. “I don’t know how someone who was brought up with as much privilege as you, yet you don’t know your arse from your elbow.”
“That’s catastrophically unfair.” Seb pouted. “This is my elbow.” He nudged Jay with it, then grabbed Jay’s hand and slapped it to his backside. “And that, there, is my arse. I’d show you it but I’m cooking.”
Smiling, Jay squeezed. Then leaned over to tug out a whisk from the utensil pot. He shoved it in Seb’s hand, but instead of letting him get on with it, Jay stepped in closer behind Seb and curled his fingers around his wrist.
“Pick up the bowl.” Jay’s breath tingled down Seb’s neck, and he shivered before doing what he was told. “Hold it at an angle, then loosen your wrist.”
“You telling me I’m limp-wristed?” Seb tutted.
“Not always.” Jay’s voice rumbled deep in Seb’s ear.
Seb smiled, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. This was more like it. How it had been. Jay guided Seb’s hand to whisk through the eggs and Seb’s chest burst with unbridled yearning at the intimacy of Jay’s touch. He closed his eyes for a moment and leant his head back onto Jay’s shoulder, allowing Jay to take over. The cooking, and Seb’s body, mind and soul. Jay pressed in closer, crushing Seb against the counter, almost as though he wanted to slide inside of him. Maybe he did? Should I let him?
Slowly, Seb tilted his neck and captured Jay’s lips for a contorted kiss. Continuing to whizz through the eggs, Jay opened his mouth and slipped his cool tongue inside Seb’s mouth. Seb was stuck where he was, compressed by Jay’s body against him but also not allowed to stop stirring. He did his best to keep up the kiss. He couldn’t not. The very act sent tingles along Seb’s spine, and if he didn’t know better, he’d think he could feel something against him, prodding him. Just don’t acknowledge it. Just keep kissing him.
A splat onto Seb’s shirt made him gasp. “Fuck.” Some of the egg had sloshed out of the bowl and down his front.
Chuckling, Jay released Seb’s hand and leaned over to pull the roll of kitchen towel from its holder. Seb attempted to clear it up, but the gooey contents stuck to the cotton of his top. He whipped it off and handed it to Jay.
“Now let me finish this, will you?” Seb wriggled away from Jay. As much as he’d love to step up their foreplay, he was mindful that a step would lead to a stride, then a leap and before he knew it they’d crash and burn. Seb had to prove he could be more than just sex. “Sit down.” He nodded to the chair.
Jay hobbled back to his stool and sank onto it. Seb could feel Jay’s lingering gaze on him as he began the task of lighting the gas hob and attempting to actually cook. Topless. But he didn’t honour him with a look over his shoulder. His grinning face would have given him away.
His first attempt wasn’t too bad. Not exactly a perfectly folded semi-circle and more a mush of scrambled eggs with flakes of pink salmon dotted in it, but it was still the best he’d ever done. And Jay tucked in as soon as Seb handed him a plate.
“So what’s your plan for tonight?” Jay forked through the rubbery eggs.
“Car coming at six. So I’ll be suited and booted by then. We’re on at eight.” Suddenly, a thought struck. Could he really go with it? Should I push for it? “Why don’t you come with me? Like, go together. Show our faces for real.”
“What, in the media? Televised?”
“Yes.”
Jay chewed his bottom lip.
“I think it’d be good for you. For both of us. To face all this, once and for all. Be a united front. Show them we aren’t scared. That you aren’t hiding. That you’re on your way to a full recovery. You don’t need to do any interviews. We don’t need to pose for photos. We just go, together. Like any other couple.”
Jay inhaled a deep breath. Eventually, and unexpectedly, he nodded. “All right.”
Seb smiled. “That’s my boy.” He stood, scraping away the empty plates and planted a chaste kiss to Jay’s lips.
He was now more than a little excited for tonight. Not only was the band doing something a little different on stage, and were in the running to receive an award for their latest album, but now he had Jay coming. As his date. To a media-fuelled event. If things went well, this could spell the end of them living their life in the shadows.