Oh, shit.
I hunched over, gripping my stomach. I tripped over the emotion cutting me thin. Realization slammed into me, spinning as this comfort and confusion and inundating warmth. I was pretty sure my heart would beat right out of my chest.
It was her.
I lifted my face to the cool night sky as the memory that had been locked up somewhere in my mind burst free.
It was her.
The world spun as my reality shifted. For years, I’d cursed this fate, hating the life sentence I’d been given. I’d always thought I’d lived as a punishment. An upheaval of questions pitched through my brain, all these voices shouting at me, because I was no longer sure surviving that night had been a penalty.
Nothing made any sense… except that it was her.
Aly.
I sprinted back across the lot and jumped the fence. Three seconds later, I had my bike on the street.
Hours had passed, time lost in the period that my truth was found. Night had grown deep, and the traffic had long since cleared. I raced because I couldn’t fucking stand the distance I’d wedged between us.
I was done hurting her.
When I’d woken up in the hospital all those years ago, I was so pissed off knowing I had failed. The nurse had told me I was lucky that I somehow got out of that car when I did. I hadn’t been lucky. I’d known then that fate had intervened. But not in the way I ever imagined.
It was her.
I flew down the streets, my nerves ratcheting higher with every mile I put under me. When I finally got to the complex, it was quiet as I eased my bike through the gate and parked in the spot that I somehow thought of as my own. I bounded up the stairs and produced the key Christopher had trusted me with so many months ago. Fumbling, I slipped it into the lock. I didn’t bother to knock. One way or another, I had to get to her.
For a fleeting second, I wondered what Christopher would do if we came face-to-face on the other side. Dude would probably kill me if he found me showing my face back around here. I’d take it as it came because hiding was no longer an option.
I burst into the darkened, silent apartment. Christopher’s door sat wide open, like it’d been so many times before. Undoubtedly, the guy was on the prowl.
Aly’d been left alone, again.
Frustrated air puffed from my nose. I didn’t want her to be alone anymore.
Light seeped from beneath her door. I paused in front of it, fucking shaking, because the truth was, I was scared. I was so good at destroying, but clueless when it came to mending the disaster I’d left in my wake. I rapped one knuckle on her door, my heart beating all rough when I placed my hand on the knob. I didn’t wait for an answer. I turned it and let it slowly swing open.
And I just stood there in the doorway, staring at the girl staring back at me. Faint light crept up the walls from the lamp on her dressing table. Her head was cocked up in shock as she sat on the edge of her bed facing out, sitting cross-legged with a large sketch pad balanced on her lap.
Affection rushed through me and I was fisting my hands, trying to keep this insanity under control. Defining Aly had always been impossible. Sexy as all hell, innocent and sweet, keen and unbelievably naive.
This girl was my perfection. Months ago, that’d been my first thought when I looked up from the couch to find her standing there. Never before had someone had such a physical effect on me. I mean, damn, it’d felt just like I’d been struck. I should have known then she hadn’t just impacted me with a shot of lust. The desire and need she’d driven me half-mad with had been so much greater than that.
It’d been truth.
Was I scared of everything my returning stood for?
Yeah.
Because this was real.
Not some fucked-up fantasy like I’d convinced myself to believe.
Slowly Aly slid the pad from her lap and onto the bed. She blinked, green eyes acute as she watched me with uncertainty. “Jared.”
With the sound of my name on her lips, I broke. In two long strides, I crossed the room and dropped to my knees in front of her.
I was giving in. I was ready for her.
A soundless gasp parted her mouth when I took her face in my hands. Her knees jutted out just over the bed, digging into my sides like a reluctant embrace. Her hair tumbled down my arms in a wave that I wanted to get lost in as I looked up at her. I ran my thumbs under her eyes, capturing the tears that fell.
I struggled to pull a breath into the well of my lungs, and my tongue darted out to wet my lips. I tilted my head to the side, caught in her unwavering gaze. Devotion poured from her. Even after all the shit I’d put her through.
“You saved me,” I whispered, drawing her left hand to my mouth. I kissed along the scar where my life had made its mark. I ran my nose along it, then pressed my face into her palm because I just needed to feel.
God, I needed to feel.
It was warmth and good and the girl. And fuck… if it wasn’t everything.
Aly started trembling as awareness took hold. Slowly she unwound her legs, and I moved back a fraction so she could drape them along my sides.
“How did you know?” I asked.
I felt her pulse accelerate, and she hesitated. “Jared… I… ” She blinked through something that looked like fear.
“Baby, talk to me,” I softly prodded.
She released a weighted breath and slipped both her hands over the tops of mine, which were rested on her thighs. I squeezed her in reassurance. “I never told anyone about that night… maybe because it’d impacted me too much, I don’t know. I mean, I’d tried to tell my mom, but I guess I was just scared.” She kind of shrugged. “That whole week after you got expelled from school, I’d been… ” She frowned. “… unsettled. Everything was so messed up. Your family was wrecked and mine was coming apart at the hinges. I felt like I was losing every single person I cared about.”
I went rigid. I destroy everything I touch.
In silent encouragement, Aly reached out and smoothed her thumb up the line that dented my brow, like she knew exactly what I was thinking, like she knew me. She didn’t stop talking as she did. “There was this knot building in my gut.” She shivered. “I kept getting this overwhelming feeling that something really bad was going to happen. That night, I couldn’t sleep. Mom had finally made me turn off my light a little after eleven since I had school in the morning, but I had a little flashlight that I used so I could draw at night.”
Aly drew back and inclined her chin to where her sketch pad sat wide open at her side. She traced her fingers along the lines she’d forged on the page.
My heart stuttered with the image looking back at me.
The drawing was beautiful, just like the girl, only because it’d been rendered by her hand. But it was my face on the page, all hard planes and angles, my arms and chest exposed, her own interpretation of my sins swirled and shaded across my skin. And my eyes… she recognized so much in me that I couldn’t see.
“People, Jared… that’s what I keep in my books. Only the ones I love.” She ran her thumb from the bottom page of the pad to the top, lifting them one by one to expose them, image after image of me.
Again I was reeling, because, fuck, it was just overwhelming. This girl who had leveled my walls, the only one who’d understood, the one who saw right though all my bullshit, had always seen me.
She turned back to me, her voice softening with caution. “After your mom died, I couldn’t draw her anymore. It was like there was this block that wouldn’t let me see. It broke my heart because I wanted to remember her. I guess I thought it would somehow keep her alive, but it wouldn’t come… until that night.” Aly drew in a shaky breath. “But it was all wrong, Jared. I could feel it. It was like I was compelled to draw her face, but she was crying out, and I knew she was crying for you. And I kept drawing and drawing and the same thing kept coming out until I’d worked myself into a complete panic. I had to check to make sure you were okay. I snuck out and ran across to your house. You were supposed to be grounded, so I figured I’d just peek in your window to check on you. But I found it open, and your room was empty.”
Aly squinted, as if she were back in that moment. “God… this fear overtook me.” She focused back on me. “Right then, I knew something was wrong. I snuck back in my room, but I couldn’t sit still. I ended up grabbing my sketch pad and thinking I’d go draw in the fort. As soon as I wedged myself through the hole in the fence, I saw Mr. Ramirez’s car. I knew it was you. I just started running. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew I had to get to you. I didn’t even stop to think before I tore the door open. And there were flames.” Aly sucked in her trembling lip. “You weren’t moving. I thought you were dead, Jared, and nothing had ever hurt me as much as that. I was screaming at you to wake up, and I dragged you out. Then that gun dropped out onto the ground with you… and all that stuff that’d been on your lap.” The words were hoarse, like she didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“And I knew… ” She cupped my face. “I knew how broken you were and it broke me, too. I pounded on your chest because I didn’t know what else to do. You started throwing up, and that was when I heard a cop car stop on the street and shine its light into the field. It turned out they were already looking for you. I was a coward, Jared… . I ran because I was scared and I didn’t know how to process what I saw. I hid in the dark in the back of the field, watching them work over you… watched them take you away. I’m so sorry I left you there. I’ll always regret that.”
“You’re sorry? Fuck, Aly… I’m sorry.” And fucking thankful. I had realized that on that deserted road in Vegas. “You saved me. You lived with that while I wasn’t living at all.”
“All these months I wanted to tell you, but I was scared it would drive you away. Once you came back, I saw how much you resented the fact that you lived.” She dropped her gaze and wrung her fingers. “I tried so hard to keep you, but I lost you anyway.”
I edged up closer to her and held her by the jaw, my voice cracking. “I’m here. Baby, I’m here.”
Aly grimaced a smile, holding on to my wrists like she was clinging to life. “It was always you, Jared. Always. I can’t remember a day in my life when I didn’t love you.”
I tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, then slid my palms down to cup her neck.
A faint blush seeped across her cheeks, and she dropped her face and chewed on her lip. “You were my first crush.” She sobered, her voice strained as sincere green eyes slanted up to me. “And my only love.” Her throat bobbed as she swallowed, almost painfully. “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life.”
Her words penetrated my blackened soul. And I fucking got it, this innocent girl who I’d taken.
She’d always been mine.
I inclined my head up to capture her attention, to make sure she understood. “I’m so fucked-up, Aly, and I’m always going be. I warned you that you can’t fix me, and you can’t. I’m never going to outlive or outrun this shit.”
All that I had left were pieces, and even those were broken. But those pieces belonged to her, and just maybe we could find a way to make a life from them.
“I wasn’t lying when I said you make me better. You make me want to be better. Truth is, I can’t outrun you, either, Aly. I can’t be without you anymore. The last three months I spent without you have been the darkest I’ve ever had.”
Slowly I ran my hands down the delicate skin of her shoulders. Goose bumps lifted in their wake. I trailed them all the way down, squeezing her hands, then brought my palms to rest flat on her stomach. My throat tightened and I forced down my fear.
“But I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been going through without me here.”
Aly closed her eyes, tears slipping free. “I needed you.”
“It makes me sick that I left you.” Emotion pulsed in my chest, in the deepest places of my spirit, a tumble of confusion and apprehension of what I’d never thought should be vying to be freed. “I’m terrified of this, Aly. I don’t know how to do this.”
Hopeful, subdued laughter fell softly from her mouth. Her teeth tugged at her bottom lip as she dropped her gaze to my hands, and she traced her fingers over the numbers marring my knuckles. “Do you think I’m not? I have no idea how to do this, either. But I know I want to do it with you.”
Sliding my hands up the outside of her thighs to her hips, I tugged her to the edge of the bed, because I needed her near. I brought her flush, and she wrapped her legs around my waist. Those little sleep shorts pressed into my stomach, and I dug my fingers into the supple flesh.
“Aly,” I mumbled through a groan, my face buried in her chest. I raised my head to place a gentle kiss under her jaw, breathing her in, the life and the good. “I missed you.” I ached. It’d been too long since I was lost in her, too long without her touch.
Soft fingers played in my hair, traveled down to my neck and back up again. Chills crawled down my spine. Need coiled and spun with adoration. Fuck, I was in so deep. But now I knew it was the only place I wanted to be.
Easing off the floor, I climbed onto the bed, dragging her up to the middle of it with me. Aly clung to me, legs and arms and body and soul. She ran her nose along the sensitive skin behind my ear. “I missed you,” she murmured, “so much.”
I laid her down and sat back to take her in, my hands gripping her knees. Those long legs were bent, her back bowed. Her hair was all a mess, billowing out around that face that had become the only thing I could see.
“You are so beautiful, Aly.”
Perfect.
I raked a hand through my hair in an attempt to get myself under control because I was dying to consume her. Maybe the way she consumed me.
Wholly.
I forced myself to go slow as I crawled between her legs, propping myself on my hands and knees. I looked directly down on the girl.
Aly’s mouth parted.
Holding myself suspended with one hand, I held one side of her face, my thumb caressing along her flushed skin. “What do you see in me?”
For a moment she just looked at me, intensity pouring from her, before she drew me down to bring us chest to chest. Her breath came as a whisper across my ear. “I see beauty and pain. Joy and sorrow. I see the good and I see the bad… and I love it all.”
I sucked in a rattled breath.
I dipped down and covered her mouth with mine. Months of pent-up desire rushed from my chest and pooled in my stomach. Twisted in the tightest knot. Her tongue was all tentative, soft and slow, tangling with mine as she whispered out these little words that I felt rather than heard, utterings of love and fear that came straight from her heart. I sucked her top lip into my mouth, turned to the bottom, dove in again. And I was singed. Burned.
Hers.
Without breaking our kiss, I found the hem of her shirt with my hands. I slowly inched it up, my palms flat as they traveled her curves. I pulled back enough to lift it over her head.
A pensive smile curved her mouth as Aly tugged my shirt free. Hungry eyes roamed over me, as if she’d missed every inch of my body as much as I missed hers.
Aly lost her breath when she found the mark covering my heart. Fingertips flitted over my skin. She tipped her chin up to me, her voice rough. “Is this me?”
“Yes,” I murmured, “I never could forget you, Aly. Never. You haunted me just as much as the rest of the sins lining my body.” I held her hand closer, over the knowing green eyes that would forever watch over me from their spot on my chest. But now I realized she wasn’t there because she was sin. She was there because she saved me.
This was the mark her life had left on mine.
Leaning back, I edged her shorts and panties from her hips, slipped them down her legs. My gaze traveled her length, every inch of this girl like a dream. I palmed her knees, pressed them apart. This time it was my turn to lose my breath. Every cell in my body strained. “Fuck,” I wheezed. “You’re so gorgeous, Aly,”
This slow blush started at her stomach, traveled up her chest, kissed her cheeks. “I love you, Jared. With all of me. I am yours.”
My blood pumped hard and joy leaped up in me.
Real joy. Not a hint or suggestion.
This joy was real. Overwhelming. Something tangible that Aly had shown me was still possible to feel.
My eyes locked on hers as I slowly leaned down. I feathered a kiss just above her pelvic bone where our child grew. Another mark my life had made when I’d believed I wasn’t living at all. Wisps of anxiety curled, twisting with my spirit. I didn’t know if I could ever be enough. But God, I was going to try.
I climbed over her, looked down at the girl who changed everything. The one who’d given me another chance at life.
Soft fingers caressed my face, green eyes intense. “Stay,” she whispered.
I wound my arm under her back and brought it up to hold her head. The other trailed from her shoulder and down the length of her arm. I wove my fingers with hers and brought her knuckles to my mouth. I brushed my lips over them. Our flesh so different, the pure and the impure. Yet now I knew we fit.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Emotion rumbled thick in my chest, pushing and pulsing. I swallowed hard, my chest so fucking tight as I let myself finally feel, feel what I’d been fighting since I walked through Aly’s apartment door six months ago.
“I love you, Aly.” The words shook, but rang with truth. Our truth.
I never believed I’d get to have this. But somehow I’d found myself with it.
It scared the hell out of me, but I was done running.
I wound a single finger through a lock of her inky hair. A bond. It felt like home.
It was time I built another one.