CHAPTER NINETEEN
Jasmeen
Gavin didn’t understand.
It wasn’t easy living with him again. It was as if I’d walked into a twilight zone where torture was normal, and relief was a joke. To see him, to want him, to yearn for his betterment—I was spinning in a Gavin Cobalt tornado, and everything hurt.
He had to focus on himself. Not me. He was placing his attention on everything else other than himself. I could hardly make it through a day without tearing up. He spent his nights screaming and his days stewing.
I wasn’t the bad guy.
I wanted him to get better.
But I was a hypocrite because I spent all day and all night trying to save his dream, as if that would somehow make everything worth it.
Gavin would skate again.
We would separate.
And we would both figure out how to live as half a person.
I ducked into his bathroom and sank onto the toilet, falling into an anxiety attack. Why did there have to be so many things in the way? Were we not supposed to be together? Were we only meant to be this? Confused?
I washed my face and then dried it, hoping to cover the signs that I’d been having a breakdown, before I threw on some jeans and grabbed up my purse. I needed to give him some slack, or the tension between us would tear us both apart.
“I’m going to the store. Maybe we could have dinner together?” I asked hopefully.
Gavin was sprawled out on the couch, pill bottle within grabbing distance. He wasn’t really sleeping. He was breathing too hard to be sleeping. My chest ached but I pushed the emotion down.
“A healthy dinner,” I obliged. “Only the finest fried food.”
He didn’t react. He was drowning, in both the crash and us.
Where was my boy’s cape? The man he was now needed it so badly.
I left without another word, taking his keys off the hall table. He had two cars in the garage. A matte black Mercedes-AMG GLS63. It wasn’t as flashy as his Lykan, not to mention that one was almost five million dollars and was parked in an indestructible, bullet-proof, coded separate garage. No, no, the Mercedes was a modest one-hundred-thousand-dollar car. My head spun.
We were both starving for a lot when we were kids, and though money never controlled us, it was tight; the sheer amount he had now blew my mind.
If for some reason he couldn’t return to this life, could he go back to a modest living? Even if he spreads his current income over the next eighty years, he could live comfortably. But comfort wasn’t a Mercedes. That was luxury and indulgence. Comfort was my 2014 Honda.
Another scenario painted in my head. If for some reason Gavin returned to his prior self, could I live with this lifestyle again that was so much more than the last time we were together? As if that had fared well at all.
A sad moan fell from my lips as I drove onto the snowy streets of Manhattan. The traffic was mind-boggling, and the snow thick on the road; I managed to make it to the market in one piece, my mind on its favorite topic: Gavin. I took my time walking up and down the aisles, trying really hard to buy both healthy and regular food.
He needed to talk to someone other than me. He wouldn’t communicate with the outside world, refused to watch regular TV or touch his cell phone—it was still in its brand-new package in his office—and he wouldn’t look twice at his laptop. His teammates stopped by once, and he had a freak out, screaming at me like I’d been the one to invite him, to exploit his pain. I lied and said he was sleeping heavily, and couldn’t really talk right now. He put all of his focus, it seemed, on me. I was a shield to the true horrors he faced. I didn’t mind. I would shield Gavin from the worst of it, but one day he was going to walk, and the moment he did, he’d realize that his nightmare would still be there.
Running ten miles wouldn’t make falling from the sky easier. Dealing with it would.
Biting back my tears, I bought things I’d need for chicken parmesan, and a few bottles of wine. When I got home, the doorman helped me carry the groceries upstairs. Having grown used to this, I slipped him a twenty. Tips were the same as air in Gav’s world. No one did anything for free.
It was depressing.
I checked on him to find him awake. Dark circles discolored the space beneath his eyes. His bone structure created shadows in the dark. He was sitting in the room without lights on, since it hadn’t been dark when I left. Winter in New York made the night feel so long. I imagined living here all on my own, in a city of millions, and knew I’d be ten times lonelier.
His eyes shot to me immediately, but his face remained stone.
“Have a good nap?”
He turned back to the TV, Pulp Fiction on for the thousandth time. If I never saw that movie again…
There was a flat screen in his kitchen, and I turned it on low to one of my favorite shows as I sipped wine and made chicken parmesan with marinara and spaghetti. When it was done, I set our places in the living room at the coffee table. He watched me, always watching me, as I got everything ready.
Secretly, I lived for his eyes. To feel the weight of his intense gaze. Under his scrutinization, I could pretend there was still a chance.
I knew why we both were here, and though I could pretend it was only about him, first love kept us imprisoned.
“Wine?” I asked, giving him my eyes for a moment.
He looked haunted. “No.”
“I bought some diet root beer. Would you prefer that?”
“So polite,” he said stiffly. “So quick to make sure I’m comfortable.”
“Gavin,” I warned, hating it when he got like that. “Yes or no?”
“Yes, Jasmeen. I’d love a root beer. Thank you,” he added softly, himself in seconds.
“You’re welcome,” I replied just as soft. I ached to hold him, to hold him to me and take away his horror. But I couldn’t take away his horror any more than I could take away his nightmares.
I settled on the floor beside his left leg and we ate quietly together, the way we did every night. I wondered if he soaked up this time the way I did. Like an addicted sponge. I was aware of every one of his movements, every swallow, and every breath. The sound of the metal fork clinking on his teeth. The heat emanating from his body.
My soul held its breath, waiting to wrap around his.
I wanted to drag my lips over the hair on his shin, to bite his thigh. I’d helped him shower last night, and I could still see the thick length of his cock.
I could still taste it, even after a month of passing since our night together. I felt my resolve wavering, and I feared I’d need another fix soon before I did something stupid like wrap my naked body in his tattered cape.
I closed my eyes and took a quiet, measured breath. Gavin was torture, no matter how I looked at it. I felt myself leaning against his thigh, and though I knew I should stop, I didn’t. I pressed my cheek to his warm flesh, and my heart beat a little faster. His free hand threaded in my hair. He rubbed my scalp, running his fingers through my hair.
“Jas,” he whispered desperately.
I felt every ounce of painful need in my name, the same kind of painful need I felt all day and night long.
“Gav,” I whispered back, my parted lips rubbing against the course hair on his thigh.
“Come to me,” he begged, and I couldn’t deny either of us a moment longer.
I took his dinner plate that rested on his lap and put it on the table. I settled on his lap and buried myself against his chest as carefully as I could. Both his arms came around me the best they could as well, and we smothered our faces in the other.
In the crook of his neck, I sobbed, breathing soggy breaths and inhaling him with every single one. I needed him far too much. I’d always had. I clung to him, and he clung to me.
He needed me.
I needed him.
It seemed so simple in that moment. To want and be wanted. That’s how it had always been between us. If he were cold, I brought him a sweater. If I was unsure, he made sure I didn’t doubt a thing.
“Marry me again,” he murmured, kissing at my pulse. “I know you think I’m turning a cheek to the disaster my life is, but I’m not. I can’t turn a cheek to this. It’s in my face, all day and night. The only part of my life that feels good is you. I live all day and night for any moment you give me your attention. When we shower, when we eat, when you fall asleep beside me with your fingers in my hair. I can’t do this without you. Not today, or ten years from now. What do I have to do to prove that to you?”
I closed my eyes and threaded my fingers in his hair now, collapsing into his hold. “I want you to get better. That’s my focus right now.”
“And then what?” he demanded, putting his mouth over my ear.
“I don’t know,” I admitted miserably.
“What happened to you? You’re so scared. You were never scared. You were fearless. Falling for me so fast we never saw it coming. Now you can’t even give me a chance.”
“What happened to you?” I countered, the tide of pain in my chest rising; it would take me under. “You’re so open. You were never open. You were protective of your feelings. I was the only one who knew they existed, but you don’t even hide from me. It’s like you want me to see every single feeling in your heart.”
“I do,” he insisted, like I was finally getting it. “You may never know what you mean to me. It’s so strong, so deep, I can’t breathe around the mere idea of you, without wanting you. I want you, again. I fucked up. How long are you going to punish me for it?”
I had to wonder, from the bottom of my soul, if that were the real reason he wanted me by his bedside. It wasn’t to help him. Anyone could have helped him. He’d wanted me there to have me back. How could a man make that choice in the middle of a plane crash?
I put myself on that helicopter. If I knew I was about to lose my life, what would I see?
Gavin’s handsome-perfect-everything-face came to me, and I knew in my soul that I would never want another. I would never seek love or desire in another human being. I would only want him. And I guessed, put like that, it made perfect sense. He’d transformed on that plane.
Maybe I was the one who was still the same.
“Do you think it’s over if you say yes? That this is it? We’ll go back to how things were?” He kissed down my throat, and his teeth bit into my flesh softly, sending a rush of fire and confusion through me at alarming levels. “Because that’s not true. This is just the beginning. We’re different people. We want different things. We could be so perfect together as the woman you are today, and the man I want to be. We need to let go of what we had as children. That’s over, baby. We have to let them go.”
I couldn’t contain my reaction. I cried into his hold, mourning our younger selves. Our naïve, deeply in love selves. He was right. I was so stuck on how it had been, I’d never even truly considered what it could be. The realization struck me, leaving me gasping for breath.
“But I love them,” I insisted, pulling back to hold his face. “I love you. Your youth, our firsts, our love—I love our old relationship so much.”
His eyes were gleaming like flames under water, shimmering as they burned. “I love them too. But we’re not kids anymore. We’re adults. We’ve been hurt. And we’re not naïve anymore. We’re smarter, older; we can be so much more. Don’t you want to see what we can become?”
“Yes,” my lips whispered, taking over. “I do.”
“Marry me again. We’ll stay engaged for as long as you need. A year, two, five, ten—as long as you take that leap, I’ll always catch you, Jas. Every single time.”
We couldn’t just date this time. We were adults now. We truly did have to start over. I was filled with excitement for the first time in forever. Excitement to get to know this Gavin, excitement for this Gavin to get to know me. Accepting his proposal would be something the new us did, something the old us didn’t know how to do.
“No ring,” I wagered.
“Fine. No ring. I won’t need one to know you’re mine.” He held my gaze, his eyes daring to be hopeful. “No more thinking of the past, no more mentioning the past. We’re two people who are together today, not four years ago. We’re not ten anymore. We’re twenty-six.”
As much as that hurt to accept, I did.
I took a deep breath and let my lips rise in a delicate and nervous smile. He gave me one too.
“You ready? Let’s close our eyes, count to five, and when we open them again, we’re letting our old relationship go.”
I closed my eyes. “You count.”
He did, and when we opened our eyes, I felt the buzz of possibility and new love in the air. It snuffed out the hurt and fear in seconds, leaving me lightheaded.
“I missed you,” he promised.
And I felt that promise in my soul. “I missed you…” I paused to shake my head in disbelief. “We’re not going back there.”
His hand slid down my back and settled on my waist. “I want to touch your body my way.” He held up the arm that was in a cast. “All fucking over.” He slipped his hand under my sweater.
His hand was freezing, and the ice of his touch on the heat of my flesh, mixed to create an erotic temperature. We were doing things differently now. There was no point in waiting at that stage in our lives. I grabbed the hem of my sweater and peeled it over my head, leaving me in my plain, black t-shirt bra.
He growled low in his chest with understanding. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, thankfully, and I immediately took my time feeling him. I did what I wanted, not letting my old self get in the way. I couldn’t believe how freeing it was to feel what I wanted to feel without fearing the consequences.
“You’re so sexy,” I huffed, bending forward to kiss his pecs. “Can I love you?” I asked, gliding my tongue over his nipple.
He settled into the sofa. “I’d kill to feel your love again.”
“You’re sure?” I checked worriedly. “Because it’s been a long time, Gav. I’m on birth control. I’m not going to hold back. I might break you.”
He chuckled, his eyes lowered with lust. “Break me. You’ll put me back together.”
I unleashed my lust like a weapon, and grinned at him, so ready to devour the only man I’d ever loved. I stood in front of him and took off my clothes. I undid my bra and let it fall, loving the way he licked his lips staring at my tits. I kicked off my boots, and pushed my jeans and panties down my legs, leaving me bare to him.
Under Gavin’s gaze, I was beautiful. There was no need to question what he liked, just like there was no reason to question what I liked on him. We both loved every inch.
That’s what love meant to us. In a world where so much was wrong, it felt extraordinarily right to feel comfort in another person’s hold. To be myself and not fear judgement, to want myself because I wanted him first.
I got on my knees between his legs, putting myself on level with his chest. I began by licking his abs and pelvic bones. I bit at the V’s in his lower abdomen and licked my way down, sliding my tongue between his dark, course pubes. I was on fire and didn’t mind the flames.
I spent as long as I wanted on his abs, leaving behind two hickeys on each indent, and leaving his happy trail glistening. He only wore a pair of loose, dark blue boxers. His hardness pressed against my tender breasts, brushing against my aching nipples every so often and sending electricity to my sensitive clit.
“Is that all you wanted?” he gasped, writhing under my tongue. “A chance to move past the old us?”
“I think that’s what I needed. Thank you,” I purred, settling on his lap again. I held his beautiful face between my hands and stroked his cheeks with my thumbs. “I’m going to kiss your mouth until we’re both bruised.” I crashed my lips down on his a second after he moaned.
Gavin immediately matched my kiss, our rough, desperate kiss. My lips hurt, and I wanted his to hurt too. My tongue felt like velvet and his felt like satin; together, we were both twisted in the silkiness of the other. His taste sent me into a frenzy, and I wanted more, so much more. I stroked his tongue, licked his tongue, wanted his tongue.
I threaded my fingers in his hair and his free hand settled on my ass, groping me as best he could. His bulge was hard as rock beneath me.
I let my legs spread carefully until my naked mound came in contact with his hardness. The moment it brushed against my clit, I was a mad woman who’d spent four years without the man she loved.
I fit his hard length between my folds, and felt my wetness coat his boxers through the cotton. I stroked myself against him, careful of his arm and leg, as hectically as I could as he owned every single inch of my mouth.
“Were you holding on to us for me?” he growled against my lips, bucking his hips into me.
I shook my head, thinking through my thoughts as best I could as I flicked my tongue at his upper lip. “I was holding on because what was there without us?”
“I get it,” he breathed in deep understanding. “I get it, baby. Doesn’t seem healthy, does it? To be nothing without the other person.”
“No,” I admitted in heartbreaking defeat, but our lips kissed down to the soul of the other. “It doesn’t.”
“But that won’t change how we feel. I never wanted us to end. I tried to survive without you. But I don’t think I did a good job. I think hockey was second to you, it always was.”
I moaned against his lips.
“There’s nothing more than you, there never was.”
I eased his hard cock out of his boxers and lined him up where I wanted him. His kiss became greedy; he nipped at my bottom lip, lapped at my tongue—Gavin devoured me. It had been a long time since I’d had sex, and even longer since we’d made love. But it was like reading an old favorite book, the beauty I’d once experienced was still the same, just read through different eyes. I urged the crown of his cock inside of me, and a shudder of pleasure rippled down my spine.
I pulled back and watched his face as I sank onto him. His thickness stretched me, caressing places deep inside of me only he had ever touched. His girth took a second to get used to. I braced myself against his shoulders and closed my eyes as the sensations of being full came over me.
My thighs quivered around his, and when I opened my eyes, his were closed now. His head was tossed back, sweat dripped down his thick throat, and his mouth was agape of the same intense, beautiful, consuming pleasure I was feeling. I bit my lip and let my inner muscles relax, and then I took every single inch of him, no matter the soreness tomorrow, no matter the burning tightness of taking him all. I hissed until our thighs met, until he was buried inside of my soul.
My entire body trembled from the overwhelming intrusion. I could hardly move. But I felt so alive. Burning with need and full to the brim. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and couldn’t remember the past.
And then I rocked my hips, and Gavin came undone. He lowered his jaw and met my eyes. Deep amber flames danced in his eyes. Filthy, dark love shone in his fire. He looked down at our conjoined bodies and then back up, and I saw the promise in his eyes before he even said it.
“You’re mine,” he growled, wrapping his hand around my throat as he planted his good leg and thrusted into me as best he could.
I cried out, my moan cut off when he tightened his grip on my throat. My inner muscles fluttered in need around his cock, and my excitement coated his length as I took him all the way inside once more. We created a rhythm, I sank onto him, my nails digging into his shoulder. He sent his hips up, tightening his grip on the pale, length of my throat. Pure pleasure pulsed from so deep, I knew I’d never have the strength to build another wall around me.
Not when it came to Gavin.
“Open your eyes,” he ordered gruffly, stroking my pulse with his thumb.
My eyelids fawned open. I cradled his face between my hands and I increased the speed of my hips, riding him as he saw every good thing I was feeling.
I wanted him to come more than I wanted to. I clenched around his thickness. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he squeezed tightly on my neck. The less breath I got, the more I wanted him to breathe. I clenched harder, riding him deeper. I felt the hot stream of his orgasm fill me, burning the tender parts of me he stretched. The harder he came, the harder he choked me, sending me into my own dilapidating orgasm.
I struggled to keep sight of him. My vision blurred, my heart came back to life, and my entire body fell apart in his arms.
Right before I passed out, he released his hold, but not me, using the grip on my throat to angle my face up. He kissed me ravenously, already growing hard inside of me.
“I feel alive,” he growled against my swollen, kissed lips.
“That’s because you are,” I breathed, our lips inches apart.
“Because of you. I’m alive because of you.”
Me too, I thought, high on my favorite drug.