“I want to have a service for him when he’s buried.”

Stassi glanced up at her mother in surprise. “Seriously? Did he even know anyone?”

They sat on the outside patio of a small deli with some iced teas and a couple sandwiches. Her mother had asked her to help her with final arrangements for her father, and thankfully agreed to lunch. Karen typically liked to stay indoors, but Stassi really needed some fresh air.

“Not really, but some of the neighbors knew him and remember us as a couple. So I thought it’d be nice. We’d be there, you can invite your friends and I’ll invite mine, and afterward—”

“How could you have forgiven him?” Stassi tried to calm down as fresh, hot, angry tears stung her eyes. She attempted to swallow but her throat wouldn’t allow it. The contents of her stomach tossed and turned, and her chest ached and tightened with each forced breath. “He left us, Mom. He threw us away like garbage. Like we were gum on the bottom of his shoe, and to top it all off, he wasn’t even sorry about it. His heart attack didn’t change anything, and neither does his death. Maybe for you, but not me.”

She recoiled as her mother reached out and laid her hand on Stassi’s arm. “Stassi, baby, you have to stop. Look at yourself.”

“Yes. I’m fucked up. Thank you for pointing out the obvious.” She glanced around and noticed a few of the customers at the other tables giving them sideways glances. Now I’m the white trash chick sitting at the table arguing with her mother. Perfect.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Karen pulled her hand back and placed it in her lap. “You think I’m weak.”

It wasn’t a question, but Stassi answered anyway. “Yes. You are weak.”

Karen nodded, her lips pressed together in a tight line. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you know what? You’re wrong.”

“Ha. Oh yeah?”

“Yes. Do you know why?”

“No, but I can’t wait for you to enlighten me.” Karen’s eyebrows furrowed, and it took everything Stassi had not to scream. Not to throw a tantrum like a two-year-old and yell, do not feel sorry for me! I don’t need your pity!

“You’re wrong because, out of the two of us, you’re the one who’s miserable. You sit there with your smug expression, looking down on me for the choices I’ve made, the way I’ve decided to live my life. But it’s okay. I’m happy with my decisions. Your father was a pitiful excuse for a man. When things got hard he left. He walked out the door and left me to care for you, and you know what, Stassi? I did my best.” Karen took her napkin and blotted at the corner of her eyes. “You may not think so, but I did the best I possibly could.”

Stassi sat uncomfortably, not sure of what to say. She’d always thought of her mother as some sort of emotionally void creature. This was the first time she’d ever seen her mother cry, and a small part of her always thought the sight would be gratifying in some small way. It wasn’t. At all. “Mom, I—”

“I’m talking.”

Stassi snapped her mouth shut and couldn’t help but look down through teary eyes as her fingers bunched and un-bunched her napkin.

“I wasn’t perfect. I was tough on you. I put you in situations you weren’t ready for, demanded too much, but I thought you needed to know how hard life was. I wanted you prepared for that. I wasn’t, and look what happened.” Karen picked up her iced tea and took a long drink, then continued. “Yes, I made mistakes. More than I care to admit, and if I could go back and change some things, I absolutely would. But you’re not a child anymore. You’re a woman. I’ve done my job of raising you, for good or bad, and we both came out with some serious battle scars. But you have one thing I never had.”

Stassi brought her practically shredded napkin up to her wet cheeks. “What?”

“You have people who love you.”

The tears came freely now, and since Stassi had destroyed her napkin, she had to resort to the back of her hand to wipe them away. “No I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. I hear you talk about your friends and truthfully I get a little jealous. I never had many girlfriends I could count on. Although it isn’t anyone’s fault but my own. Friendship is a two-way street, and I never had the time to put in. I was too busy taking care of you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” Karen leaned forward and lowered her voice until Stassi could just make out the words. “I’m sorry for a lot of things in this life. I’m sorry I didn’t know my worth. That I didn’t take better care of myself. That I still don’t… I’m sorry I allowed your father to treat us the way he did. I’m even sorry I didn’t find anyone after he left. A good man who could show you what it meant to be in a normal, healthy relationship. What it’s supposed to look like. But, Stassi…”

Stassi took a shaky breath and raised her gaze until her eyes met her mother’s.

“I’m not sorry I had you. That was the one thing I did right. I may have screwed a lot of things up, and I’ve made so many wrong decisions, but bringing you into this world has never been one of them. Maybe I should have told you this a long time ago, and I’m really sorry I didn’t think to say it. Having you, raising you, cuts and scrapes and butterfly kisses and tea parties with little lemon cookies…sharing those things with you has been the one honor of my life. The one blessing.”

Stassi’s breath caught in her throat. Tea parties. Of course. How could she have forgotten? Every Sunday evening, when her mother finally got off work, they’d have a tea party on the porch with sickeningly sweet red punch and little lemon cookies. She’d remembered the cookies, just forgotten the tea parties. The most important part.

Her chin and bottom lip trembled as she wiped underneath her eyes, then crossed her arms over the table.

Karen grabbed her hands, her fingers warm and soothing, and squeezed them tight. “You have to move on from him, baby girl. You don’t have to excuse his behavior; lord knows he doesn’t deserve it. I won’t argue with you on that. But you do. You have to let it go, the bitterness, otherwise it’s going to destroy you. And Stassi, you’re too good for that to happen.”

Stassi took deep breaths as she nodded. “I saw him, the day before he died. Did he tell you?”

“He mentioned you’d dropped by, but didn’t go into detail.”

“I stopped by to see you. I’d had such a great morning, and I just wanted to visit with you. I even bought some of those little lemon cookies. I’d forgotten about the tea parties, but I remembered the cookies.”

Karen nodded, a sad smile creeping onto her face. “You always loved those.”

“I still do. You weren’t there, though. He said you’d ran an errand. I went inside to put the few bags I’d brought up for you, and then I was going to head home. He kept…” Stassi took another sip of her iced tea, her throat dry and crackly. “He kept telling me I needed to try to get along with him, for your sake. I so badly wanted him to tell me he was sorry. That he wanted a relationship with me. To see what my life was like, find out the kind of woman I am, even though he wasn’t there to help. I definitely didn’t get that, though.” She thought of telling her mom how bad it had actually gone, the cruel things he’d said, but what was the point? “I think the ironic thing is, as terrible as he was, he made me everything I am today.”

“He was a shitty father. I know.”

“No argument here.” Stassi ran her finger along the wrinkles in her napkin as she thought. “I want to let it go. I really do. I just don’t know how. But…someone came into my life recently and made me really question the way I look at things. Lately I find myself wanting…more. So yes. I do want to move past him. Not let him hurt me anymore. Find a way to not turn every person in my life into him.”

Karen nodded her head, the sad smile still present on her face. “It would mean a lot if you were there when I buried him.” She quickly threw her hands up as if preparing for Stassi’s defense. “You don’t owe him anything, I know that, but I’m asking you to be there for me. I don’t have many friends, and none of them close. I know our relationship is strained at times, but I love you. And I need you there. It’s selfish of me; trust me, I know it is. But I’m asking you anyway.”

“I know.” Stassi nodded and closed her eyes for a brief moment, then opened them again. “I’ll be there. Not for him, but for you. And for me. I think burying him…I don’t know. Maybe it’ll somehow close the door on that part of my life. It might be good for me. Help me move forward or something.”

“Thank you.” Karen wiped a tear from her eye, the relief on her face palpable. “I mean it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”