13 MONTHS, 3 DAYS AGO: 10:45 P.M.
My best friend has turned into an unbearable shrew. She’s nearly five months celibate, the wedding’s not far off, and she’s had her future in-laws breathing down her neck, causing her to eat chocolate anytime she’s in my company. It’s partially entertaining, mostly exhausting. I get it, though; I spent the first year of my open relationship with only my showerhead and thoughts of a certain British actor to satisfy my carnal cravings.
Tonight, though, I’ve left Liz on her own to go to some random party in my downstairs neighbors’ apartment. I’m making out with some random guy, “having fun.” He slips his hand up my shirt, no hesitation as he cups my breast and kneads my nipple. I only had one glass of wine tonight, deciding to do this one more sober than usual to see if there’s a difference. There is—my head is too awake, and it tries to convince my body that I’m not into this as much as he is. But when he lets go of my mouth long enough to ask if we can head to my place, I don’t have enough reason to say no. Like alcohol, sex has the ability to make me forget for a little bit. And with Liz’s wedding coming up in just a few days, I’m ready to erase the fantasies I once had of my own young love turning into a forever.
I take him upstairs, and he has me naked and in my bedroom so fast I’m not sure if I locked my door. But before he tosses me on the bed, I find the clasp on my necklace and let it slide off. I carefully place it into its box and shut the lid, a deep rush of regret sinking in the pit of my stomach. A rough hand spreads out across my abdomen, and hot, anxious lips cruise up my neck, quieting my inhibitions. He gets me to the bed and I shut my eyes, turn off my brain, and just focus on the pleasure. For a few minutes the world isn’t so depressing.
The overhead light in my bedroom seems ten thousand times brighter than usual when it’s flicked on in the middle of my REM phase.
“Wh…what the hell?” I groan, covering my eyes against the blinding bulb. Something shuffles around my mess of a room, kicking random possessions under my bed. Liz’s arms fly to my shoulders, and it’s like an adrenaline shot right to the vein. She’s pressed against me, shaking hard, and I look up to the other person who’s entered the room with her.
Alec’s gaze connects with mine, his eyes wide. He’s shaking too—shaking so much that he clenches his hands into white-knuckled fists.
“Where’s Landon?” I ask, terrified of what the answer might be. “Is he okay?”
Sweet relief unfolds when Liz pulls back and nods. But then I think that if it’s not him, then…
“Jace?” I whisper.
Liz nods again.
Relief is replaced with confusion and I bring my eyes back up to Alec. He visibly swallows before he finds the ability to say something.
“Uh…your front door was open.”
My hand finds the soft down of my comforter, cool from lack of body heat. It’s not unlike the guys I bring back here to disappear in the middle of the night, though most of them have the courtesy to make sure the door is closed. I let out a breathy laugh, shaking my head.
“He must’ve left it open when he left. You’re both a couple of worrywarts.” Seriously, way to scare me to death over nothing. “Let me go back to sleep.”
“Theresa…” The corners of Liz’s mouth pull downward. “Your place is a mess.”
“Thank you, Mom,” I lilt. “What else is new?”
I look to Alec for a laugh, even if it’s just one to humor me, but instead I’m met with a flash of anger running across his face. He steps forward, and I flinch back, not comprehending the intensity in his eyes. I decide that sweet Alec can be quite scary when he’s upset.
“It’s ransacked,” he says through clenched teeth, his voice low but not as scary as the look in his dark green eyes. “Shit is everywhere, and I’ll bet you stuff’s missing too.”
I break eye contact and gaze around the room, noticing more things on the floor than there were. My dresser and nightstand drawers are pulled out, clothes and journals tossed carelessly on and around my furniture. The closet is open and contents from bins I kept in the back are strewn across the carpet. I try not to panic. Stuff like my iPod is replaceable, I tell myself. I’ll cancel my credit cards and…
Oh God.
I put a hand on my bare neck, heart pounding under my palm so hard that I can feel the palpitations. I rush to my feet, whipping the sheets off. I don’t care that I’m only in a T-shirt, that I’m exposed and tripping on things left behind from my random bang. I only want to get to that box I tucked away, that he saw me tuck away, and I know before I even open the lid that the necklace won’t be lying inside.
“What are you looking for?” Alec asks, and I close my mouth, just now noticing I was muttering under my breath. He’s so close that I can feel his body heat.
I stare at the empty box, running a finger over the velvet lining. “My necklace.”
Alec’s eyebrows rise, and his expression softens. I know he’s feeling the same pain that’s coursing through my body—a dull ache that’s growing and growing into sharp stabs of loss.
“What necklace?” Liz says, unburying herself from the sheets I tossed over her head. I look to Alec for an answer, but his eyes are on the empty box in my hand. My mouth opens, but no sound comes out. The price I paid for a night of passion that I tried to pass off as some sort of fleeting happiness was the thing that I cherished the most. Alec’s jaw clenches and unclenches, and I can tell his thoughts are swirling around and around, and I feel like I’m punching him in the heart all over again.
“Christmas present,” I whisper over my shoulder to Liz. “I didn’t have it for long, but I…” Alec finally looks at me, and he has no idea the weight of the words I’m about to say. “I liked it.”
Like always, our gazes meet and lock. I feel everything from pain to anger to frustration; I want to apologize to him, but the words won’t come out. He’s the first to look away, and I have to blink to remember where I am.
I huff at the mess I can see in the hallway and rush past Alec to see what the damage is.
“That rat bastard!” I hiss when I see the empty side table in the living room. “He took my laptop, too.”
“Do you have your phone?” Liz asks, watching Alec pull his own from his pocket.
“Doubt it.” If he took the necklace, I imagine he’s taken everything else too. All I want back is the necklace, though. He can have the rest; I won’t call the cops if he just gives that back. I glance at the clock; the party downstairs might still be going on. I decide to go down and ask around. Maybe he’s dumb enough to go back there.
I search the floor for a pair of jeans and find some in the pile of clean laundry I have yet to fold. I stuff my feet into the legs and button them up. “I’m going to cut off his nut sack.”
Liz gives me a short nod and straightens her stance, because solidarity, sister.
I get halfway to the door before Alec steps in my way.
“You’re not going.”
My teeth grind together. “Move.”
Alec shakes his head, his blond hair disheveled, and my mind races to what made it look like that, which is ridiculous at a time like this. He brings his phone slowly to his ear, and before I can tell him my brilliant plan to get the necklace back, he starts speaking into it.
“Hi, I’d like to report a robbery.”
Under the sheets, Liz’s phone lights up with Alec’s next message. She’s sleeping next to me in her bedroom, and I’ve kept the ringer on silent so I don’t wake her up. I texted Alec about an hour ago, unable to sleep—not because of fear, but because I’m so upset with myself that I can barely shut my eyes without thoughts of self-abuse filtering through my head.
Where are your extra sheets?
I squint at the message and quickly text back.
Are you at my apartment still?
This whole time I thought he was at home in his bed in a room I still have yet to see. Seems unfair that I still haven’t seen his bedroom, but then I remember that I’m the one who turned him away.
Wanted to clean it up. You don’t want to deal with it in the morning, I’m sure.
I gulp, slowly checking over my shoulder again to make sure Liz is really out. When I see the steady rise and fall of her breathing, I pull down the sheets and roll off my side of the bed. I don’t fear stepping on anything in Liz’s bedroom, since Liz is a much cleaner person than I am, and so I creep toward the bedroom door. I cringe when it creaks as I open it; after I tiptoe out I leave it ajar so I don’t risk another sound that might disturb her or Landon in the other room.
Once I’m through the living room and out in the hall, I sprint the distance between Liz’s apartment and mine. The dark holds way too many mysteries for me to be comfortable, and after a theft right under my nose, I’m a little more than cautious.
I try the knob, and it’s locked, as I expected. I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone’s doors are bolted tonight. And Alec would make sure my place is safe while I’m gone.
I lightly tap on the door and whisper, “Alec, it’s me.”
A thin strip of light streams into the hallway as he opens the door, making more shadows come to life in my imagination, so I slip inside as quick as I can and lock the dead bolt behind me.
Alec gives me a small, tired grin, his eyes slightly bloodshot and dark. Half of his button-down shirt hangs out from his jeans, the collar open enough for me to see his white undershirt. His sleeves are rolled to the elbows, displaying muscles in his forearms that no one would believe were under his shirt unless they saw for themselves. He bends over and picks up a broken vinyl record. The Scarlet Pimpernel—just my luck.
“You don’t have to clean up my apartment,” I tell him with a smile. “It pretty much looked like this before.”
He shrugs. “To be honest, I was just looking for something.”
A swoop goes through my stomach. “The necklace?”
“Maybe.” His ears turn red. “Probably.”
“It’s gone. I know exactly where it was before I…fell asleep.”
His tired gaze meets mine, and tiny pinpricks poke behind my eyes. My throat locks up, and I force out a smile to try to keep from crying.
“Figures this happens,” I huff. “What goes around comes around and all that.”
He raises an eyebrow and heads over to the trash can to dump the broken pieces of vinyl. I step over to hold the lid open for him.
“You think you deserved it?”
“Oh yes. I’ve been a very stupid girl. It was bound to catch up to me eventually. I wouldn’t be surprised if more shit comes my way. So I’d keep your distance.” I playfully wink, but he doesn’t humor me. He’s either too tired or too upset, and instead of joking around, he pulls me into his arms. I feel his warmth and his heartbeat against my cheek. My arms automatically close around him, my fingers flexing into his shirt, pressing against the muscles of his back. He kisses the top of my head as a good friend would do, but unlike with a friend, I feel the sensation down to the tips of my toes, making me shiver against him.
“I don’t think I want to put any distance between us right now,” he says with a humorless laugh, then squeezes me tighter.
“I will eventually have to pee,” I joke. I could echo his sentiment and it would be a hundred percent true, but I go for the lighthearted response because that’s really what I need from him. Too much seriousness and the aching feeling of guilt and regret will overpower me and I’ll say something that I’ve been hiding from him since Liz’s engagement party.
I feel him shake his head over me. “How do you do that?”
“Hmm?”
“Be so happy. Be so…Theresa. When something like this has happened.”
“I am a theater major.”
He loosens his hold so he can look at me. “So was I.” He playfully taps my chin, and I feel the seemingly insignificant touch everywhere. “But I don’t act with my friends.”
The room feels as if it’s over a hundred degrees. I place a hand over my heart to try to calm it down and make sure that it stays in my body. I’m too terrified to let it feel so much for someone again, but watching Alec clean up my apartment after I’ve made a monumental mistake makes it hard for my heart not to latch on and never let go. I’d like for it to not be so broken before it does, though.
I sigh and turn to the disaster of my kitchen. My favorite coffee mug is smashed in the sink, pieces strewn all over my other dishware. I curse that rat bastard under my breath, making Alec chuckle.
“For the record,” I say, tossing a mug shard into the trash, “I’m not happy.”
“I know.”
I place a hand on my neck. Funny how I’ve only had the necklace for a couple of weeks, but I already feel so empty without it. It was the tangible symbol that helped me whenever I thought of Liz getting married. Yes, I’m happy for her. Yes, I couldn’t have picked a better guy for my best friend. And yes, I know that once she’s tied the knot, things are going to change. She may be in denial about that, but I’ve been through enough life stages to know better.
Then there’s Eli, who is falling farther and farther out of my life, taking all my ideas of romance and love with him. I feel as if everyone is slipping through my fingers, and the one person I have hold of, though I’m totally undeserving of him, is Alec. I know it’s just a necklace, but it represented so much more.
I hold my breath to keep wild emotions at bay, and Alec flicks his gaze up from the blanket he’s folding, studying my fingers as they brush over my naked neck.
“I should’ve kept it on,” I say, trying to laugh it off, but my voice is sticky. He drops the half-folded blanket onto the couch, his jaw clenched. He’s upset, and has every right to be. I preach about being friends and how I don’t want to hurt him, but I keep doing it—and holding on to my heart as if it’s something precious, when in fact it’s probably some cold, moldy, dead thing. Something shatters inside me, in as many pieces as the mug in the sink, and I crumple in on myself, too ashamed to even look him in the eye anymore.
“Damn it,” I sniff, wiping under my nose with the heel of my hand. “I’m sorry. I’m…I’m just an absolute mess.”
“Yeah,” he says, and I scoff at his agreement. He steps over the belongings my banger burglar felt were too insignificant to take and leans against the sink next to me. “You know, just ’cause it’s gone doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere. With or without it, you’re kind of stuck with me.”
I know that. Of course I know that. Not because I’m deserving of him, but because he’s the best person I know.
“Can’t give me anything, I swear,” I say through my tears, my voice thick.
He smiles and taps me playfully on the hip. “You don’t have to be so upset about it. It didn’t exactly break the bank.”
“It was more than just a piece of jewelry, Alec,” I say, turning my head to face him. “And you know that.”
He leans down, so close that our noses almost touch. “I’ll get you a new one,” he teases, pretending to be annoyed. I shake my head, keeping a lock on his gorgeous green eyes.
“You know I’ll just lose that one too.”
The words come out as a joke, because when I said them, they were a joke. But once they’re out I realize how very true they are, and the playful smile drops from my face. How many more mistakes do I have to make before I lose absolutely everything?
“Hey,” he says, leaning in again. “It’s okay.”
I shake my head. “I’ve already messed up so many things between us, and this was the one thing I didn’t want to mess up because it was so perfect—the way you gave it to me and the way it made me feel.” I think back to that Christmas night at Grandma Carver’s. The hot chocolate and the lit tree. The weight of the box on my leg when he put it there. That arrogant and adorable look on his face. It was the first time in a long while that I’d felt some sort of hope for my future. Now look at me—just a few weeks later, and I’ve dashed it.
“We may not be anything more than friends,” I say, “but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel awful about what’s happened between us.”
“You don’t have to feel awful about anything between us. We’re fine.”
I push away from him, his proximity muddling my ability to get out what I’m trying to say. “This isn’t about the damn necklace.”
And it’s not. The necklace is just on top of a few years’ worth of mistakes and regret and anger and sorrow and confusion.
“Then wha—”
“I kissed you.”
He closes his eyes briefly, his brows furrowed deep. “That was a long time ago, Theresa.”
“No…not so long ago. And we just tossed it aside and moved on, but I hate that we did that. I hate that you’re lumped in with all these random guys I don’t remember. Don’t you get it? I ruined it. You get one chance, one, to have a first kiss with someone, and if it was going to happen with you, it should’ve happened differently. You are not like every other guy I was supposed to have ‘fun’ with. You’re my best friend, and that means something. So a kiss between us, two people who know each other and care about each other, should’ve been of epic proportions. It should’ve been—”
His hands find my waist, and the force of my back hitting the wall of the fridge shuts me the hell up. His eyes are smoke, embers, now fire as they lock with mine. His confusion is gone. His playful, teasing nature…also gone, replaced with this rough and commanding man before me.
“We get a redo,” he says, his voice deep and husky and setting my body on fire.
“A redo?”
“One redo. For anything. If you want it, just say it.”
The air has left my lungs. I’ve tripped over the sun and the stars and I can’t see anything in front of me. My brain has collapsed in on itself, warping all the logic I’ve ever known, and so my body can only go on pure instinct. The toes on my tile, the knee against his leg, the fingertips on his elbows, the heart that beats out of my chest and into his, and the tongue behind my lips…they are all out of my control. All of them. Especially my tongue, because I shouldn’t say it, but I do anyway.
“Redo.”
He closes the gap between us slowly, deliberately, giving me the chance to take it back, but I don’t. His lips brush mine in a sweet, seductive, not-nearly-enough kiss that elicits a whimper from the back of my throat. I tip my head up, wanting more from him, but the more I push, the more he pulls back, keeping me at the slow, heated pace. My skin is on fire from his fingertips, his soft lips, his body grazing mine but not closing the minute gaps between our stomachs, our chests, our hips. With only our lips gently touching, I already feel as if I’m falling into him. We could be naked or clothed, in public or in a closet, and I’d never know. He’s erased time and space, and everything I believe about love and friendship is obliterated. My hands find the back of his neck, and I lift myself up on my tiptoes, wanting so much for him to keep taking me to this place of sweet oblivion, where none of my worries and heartache are welcome.
A low grunt passes between his lips, fueling the already burning fire we’ve started wherever we are. His soft blond locks tangle in my grip, and his body is a stone wall as I push against it, determined to get closer and closer until I’m sunk into him. He kisses my bottom lip, my top lip, my bottom lip again until he’s pulling it softly with his teeth. I’ve died and come back to life, still so unaware of where I am or who I am or what I’ve done; all I know is that this angel has given me the gift of the perfect kiss, and I can’t imagine what I could’ve done to be worthy of it.
He squeezes my hips, his fingers applying a little pressure to the small of my back. His lips brush mine again in soft, sweet kisses, bringing me gently back into the kitchen of my apartment, back into my body, and back to the realization of who I am and why I feel so broken. It’s so jarring that my head spins, and if he weren’t holding on to me I’d topple to the floor. And when I open my eyes and see that his are still shut, a tight panic grabs hold of my chest and digs its nails into my heart.
“Are things going to change?” I ask, my voice breathy and unstable. It’s unfair of me to ask, but I want to know I haven’t just made another mistake that will end up hurting us both.
He shakes his head, his blond hair flopping across his forehead, eyes still closed and breathing ragged. I slide my hands from his neck down his chest and let them rest there until I’ve found my footing.
“I’m…going to crash here,” he says, his eyelids floating open to reveal dark pupils and swirling green irises. “If you want to sleep in your own bed, I can watch out for you.”
I swallow hard. “Liz will freak out if she wakes up and I’m not there.” It’s an excuse. If I’m in this room for another second I’ll be taking advantage of our being alone, and it isn’t right, especially after sharing a bed with someone whose name I didn’t even know.
I step out from his arms, breathing in the suddenly cold air. Alec takes a deep breath as well, attempting a smile when he looks at me.
“Was that epic enough for you?” he asks, pushing back a laugh. The tightness in my chest loosens, and I step forward and wrap my arms around him in gratitude.
“I will definitely remember that one.”
His body shakes under my cheek, and he presses another friendly kiss to my head. He sways me to a song he must have running through his mind, and I wish he’d start humming it so I could hear the perfect melody in his practiced voice.
“I have a request,” he says. “As a friend looking out for another friend.”
“Okay…”
“Order background checks for your conquests.”
That gets a genuine, freeing laugh out of me. I pinch his side and pull away before he can pinch me back.
“I’ll do what I can.”
“Good. I don’t think I can stand another rat bastard taking advantage of you.”
My body starts tingling again, and I bite back my smile at his words. These are the moments when I believe that he might still have deeper feelings for me despite his words to the contrary, but I ignore them because I can’t bear the thought of it being true—or, more selfishly, being untrue.
He watches me as I tiptoe back down the hall to Liz’s place, and we whisper good nights to each other before locking ourselves in. It seems silly to spend the night somewhere else, but safer. I bring my hand up to my lips, touching them as I crawl back into the bed next to Liz.
He’s switched a light on inside of me. Instead of feeling hopeless and lost and unworthy, I feel like maybe I can turn this around. Become a person deserving of a forever kind of love.
I decide right then and there to take a page out of Liz’s book: the next time I have sex, it’ll be with someone I could love forever, no matter how long it takes to find him.
The last thought I have before falling asleep is whether the ring Eli gave me is also on the list of casualties. Then I don’t allow it to take up any more room in my head.