My hands tremble on the wheel as I turn down Serenity Court where blue and red lights explode in their dizzying array of patterns. They flash over the houses and cars and people gathered to watch the activity at the end of the street.
It’s been nine minutes.
Nine minutes where I don’t even remember purposefully taking the turns to get here.
Nine minutes where I mentally ran through every scenario possible and none of them were good. In every single one, Grant was hurt, and all I could think of was that I’d been stubborn and hadn’t spoken to him. I hadn’t made things right.
I haven’t told him I want to take a chance.
Funny thing is that I didn’t even admit that to myself until just now.
Tears blur my eyes as the realization hits me that this is his reality. His every day. His way to be a hero. I’m out of the car and running to where the crowd of looky-loos stands. My heart is in my throat and hope is in my hands.
“C’mon, Malone. We have to let CPS deal with this.”
“CPS? Really, Nate?” Grant’s laugh echoes off the houses just as I break through to the front of the crowd. I’m not sure what I expect to see—a standoff, weapons drawn? I don’t know, but this isn’t it. Grant is standing in front of his cruiser, arms crossed and body taut, as Nate, the officer who was with him on the Fourth, and another face him. The tension between them is so palpable that if I didn’t know better, I’d think Grant was holding someone hostage. Murmurs roll through the crowd about the little girl in the car, and there are questions about whether Grant is going to do it, whatever “it” is.
“CPS?” he says again, punctuating his incredulity with a shake of his head. My breath catches when I realize he actually is holding someone hostage in a sense. But only to protect her. To help Keely. “CPS’s response was to put her back in the house so they could come and assess the situation at a later date because there is no immediate threat. Tell me that’s not a fucking joke.”
Nate rolls his shoulder, frustration evident. “I know, Grant, but there is nothing we can do. Without proof or her saying he did it—”
“Proof? You want proof?” Grant shouts. “Look at her cheek and lip. That’s all the proof I need.”
“It’s her words we need to hear. We can’t take her. We can’t arrest him. We technically can’t even be here since there wasn’t even a call we were responding to! Nothing we charge him with will stick.”
“I don’t fucking care. When I leave here, she’s either coming with me or she’s going with someone from CPS. She is not going back in that house.”
There is a determination in Grant’s stance that matches the tone in his voice. The little girl in me roots for him. The grown woman in me can’t tear her eyes away from him.
“You’re too close, Malone.”
“Did you see her face, Nate? That’s not from the stairs. That’s not from a fall. She’s terrified. Of course she isn’t going to rat her dad out. He’s her dad!” He rakes his hand through his hair. “She still loves him regardless of how big a piece of shit he is. Then there’s her mom, who sits by and lets it all happen. She’s five. Five. Someone has to stand up for her, and fuck if I’m not going to be the one to do it.”
“C’mon, man,” the other officer says as she takes a step forward. “All you’re doing is making a tense situation worse. We can stand out here all night long, but in the end, we’re going to end up with the same result. Her back with her parents. Parental privilege.”
“Just unlock the doors so we can get her out,” Nate says, reaching out for Grant’s arm, but he yanks it away.
“Don’t touch me.” The two men face off, inches apart, duty versus morality.
“Grant, think about what you’re doing here,” the other officer says to try to cool the tension.
“I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m protecting and serving. I’m upholding my oath. I think you’re the ones who need to ask yourselves the same question.” Grant looks back to the car and shakes his head in disbelief. “Let me just take her to the police station. I’ll sit with her all night until CPS can fit her in their schedule tomorrow. Anything. It’s better than her being here.” There’s a desperation in his voice that brings tears to my eyes.
The man who blames himself for not saving me is trying to save her.
“Her parents are one hundred feet away.”
“And they like to hit their little girl,” he says.
“They are threatening kidnapping charges. Really, Grant? Is it worth it? Is your career worth it?”
“Yes.” The answer is instant and unwavering.
Nate’s shoulders fall as he pinches the bridge of his nose before saying something I can’t hear to the other officer and taking a few steps away. Grant takes a step toward Nate and then thinks better of stepping away from the car. “The only way I’m leaving her is if you arrest me.”
Minutes pass as Grant stands guard. He looks into the back of his cruiser and makes funny hand signals. The entire time, his face is a mask of calm, when I know he’s feeling anything but.
The onlookers around me buzz about the standoff between officers. Opinions flow freely. Bets are wagered. Comments about how the little girl always looks so sad.
But it’s Grant I stare at. It’s Grant I want to look my way. It’s Grant I want to know I think he’s in the right.
Memories of when the police took me away for my evaluation ghost through my mind. The hard chairs. The white walls. The scary guns on belts I couldn’t stop staring at. The perfectly sharpened crayons I made my drawing with. The constant fear that my mom was going to leave me there. Alone. The promise that she wouldn’t.
Is Keely feeling any of this fear right now or is she just confused?
“I’m sorry, Grant, but I have to.” Nate’s voice startles me from the unexpected memory that has me shivering and pulling my arms around myself. He steps toward Grant, his hands going to his cuffs on his belt.
“Don’t do it, Nate.” Grant shakes his head.
“You’ve given me no choice. It’s orders from the chief.”
Grant stares at his partner as he reluctantly turns him around and pulls his hands behind his back. The first cuff clicks, and its then that Grant looks up.
It’s as if he knows I’m there because he looks right at me. Our eyes lock, and I can see the fight in his gaze. The defiance. His want to be a hero for this little girl, and God, how I want him to save her. I want to wade through the ocean of emotion swelling between us and tell him he’s standing for the right cause.
The cuff goes on his other wrist.
“I’m sorry,” he mouths to me, and I don’t know if he’s apologizing for back then or for right now, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to apologize for anything.
Nate turns Grant so his back is to me and removes Grant’s gun from its holster.
“Her blood will be on your hands,” Grant says, causing Nate to falter; his statement making what his fellow officer has to do that much harder.
Nate pulls Grant’s keys from his pocket and unlocks the cruiser, allowing the female officer to open the car door. The whole scene is hard to watch, but it’s the look on Grant’s face as he turns that breaks my heart.
Compassion. Grief. Anger. Disbelief. All four flash across his expression when Keely climbs out of the car. She’s in a pink nightgown with a unicorn on the front of it. Her hair is a tangled mess, and she looks around shell-shocked at all of the strangers staring at her. Despite her hand being in the officer’s, her eyes are big and terrified as they search for a familiar face.
I can sense her fear. Her confusion. Her uncertainty. And somehow, I remember the feeling of being lost in a maze of people when all I wanted was to be home curled in a ball on my bed.
Her terrified sob cuts through the air as she sees Grant and runs toward him, her arms wrapping around his thigh like he’s her lifeline.
“Grant,” I cry his name out, my heart shattering in a million pieces as she clings to him. And for a split second, he meets my eyes, and the look we exchange claws its way into my damaged soul and warns it that he’s going to help heal it. The connection is quick and ends when he kneels down and says something in her ear.
Reassuring her.
Telling her it’s all going to be okay when it isn’t going to be.
Her life will forever be changed.
I remember the promise of a trip to Disneyland to try to dissipate the upheaval in my life. Every little kid loves Disney. I don’t blame my mom for the fib, but I remember thinking back then how I didn’t care where we went as long as she didn’t leave me. And so long as my dad didn’t come with us.
I’m jostled by the person behind me and it snaps me from the memory just in time to watch Nate grab Grant’s elbow to help him stand. The female officer has the tough task of picking up a petrified five year old and walking her into a house that seems to be filled with fear instead of comfort.
Grant watches, too, defeat owning every part of him.
As Nate leads him to the police cruiser, opens the door, and guides his head so he doesn’t hit it on the way in, Grant never once takes his eyes off Keely.
Officer Roberts slides behind the wheel, and the cruiser leaves with Grant in it.
I stare until I can’t stare anymore.
I’ve only ever loved two men.
Both were taken away in handcuffs.
One because he hurt me.
The other because he tried to save her.
And in the end, save me.