CHAPTER 23
I pull up to my childhood home after dark. It looks just the way I remember it—a big grassy lawn and gardens overflowing with flowers. I thought I'd have a house like this one day. Now I don't know what I'll have.
My phone has been silent since I left the Ferro mansion. I thought Peter would call me. I thought he'd come after me. I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again. I wonder what Sean told him and can't help but wonder where he is now and what he's doing.
I turn off the engine and open the door. Me and the turkey walk up the center sidewalk to the house. I ring the bell. I don't live here anymore. This isn't my home, and these people are strangers to me. My father opens the door wearing his normal nighttime garb—jeans and an old T-shirt. He has a bag of chips in one hand. He doesn't really look up until I speak.
"Hey, Dad."
Recognition shoots across his face at the same time he glances up. He stares at me like I'm a ghost. "Sidney." Dad doesn't say anything else. I can tell that there's a battle going on inside his mind. He's happy to see me but betrayed that I left. Awkwardness consumes me. I know leaving was the right thing to do, but still—I feel sorry that I caused them pain.
"Sam told me Mom's sick." He nods and opens the door to let me in.
"Yeah, she is. Things have been rough. She's been asking for you."
I nod and step inside. The house is filled with people, family, neighbors, and people from the past. Most of them glare at me. They don't know what happened, they just know that I ran off and broke my parents' hearts. They don't temper their disgust as Dad leads me inside.
"My baby came home! We're together again." He pinches my cheek so hard that it hurts. I smile at him and try not to pull away. His emotions flip, like he decided to let it go. Dad's all smiles and walking around showing me off the way he used to. He tells people that already know me that I'm his daughter, that his little girl came home. He's so excited to see me. He doesn't ask where I've been or why I didn't tell him.
Tears sting my eyes, but I blink them back. Leaving like that hurt him terribly. I can see it on their faces, and hear it in his voice. Dad sounds proud of me, which totally kills me. I left with good reason. I left because no one believed me. I left because they liked Dean more than me.
Dad circles me through the room, laughing loudly and beaming. I'm polite and smile even though I can tell that no one wants me here. That's when I see Sam leaning against the railing that goes upstairs to the bedrooms. His arms are folded across his chest. He glances behind me looking for Peter, but Peter is gone.
Sam steps toward us. "I told you I'd find her and bring her back. It's good to see you, sis." Sam leans in and gives me a quick hug. Everyone thinks he's wonderful, that he brought his wayward sister home. If they cheer, I won't be able to take it.
I look back at my dad. "What's going on with Mom? Can I see her?"
Dad takes my hand and pulls me into the kitchen. There are fewer people in this room. My aunt is making something on the stove. There are countless dishes covered in aluminum foil on the kitchen table. Mom's kiss the cook collection is still on display in this room. Everywhere I turn, there's another plaque or doll or apron that says KISS THE COOK.
Dad walks to the other end of the dining room and pulls out a chair for me. "Have you eaten? Beth, make her a plate."
I wave at Aunt Beth and say no, but they both ignore me. A moment later Aunt Beth sets down a paper plate over flowing with food in front of me. "Eat. You're too skinny." She gives me a look of disapproval and turns back to the stove.
"Dad, what's wrong with Mom?"
"She's got the cancer, baby girl. It snuck up on us. One day she was fine, and then she wasn't. We did chemo for a while, but it's too far gone. She already lived longer than they expected." He says the words stoically like he's said them a million times before.
"Why isn't she in the hospital?"
"You know your mother. She wanted to be home. We have everything she needs here. The only thing we were missing was you. She'll be happy to see you."
I nod slowly, letting everything sink in. I knew Sam said she was dying, but I didn't realize she was that far gone. My stomach sours. I dart out of my chair and race to the bathroom and dry heave until my brow is covered in sweat. Everything crashes into me in merciless waves. Remorse so deep that I can't fathom the pain, the lost time, the hatred and the fact that I didn't forgive her blast into me. In the back of my mind I always thought there'd be time to patch things up. It wasn't a conscious thought, but it was there.
Now, there is no time. I lost that chance and I'll never get it back.