As much as I hate myself for what I did, I don’t regret it. I can’t. Because then all of this—everything that Milky is doing for me, every single second I stared out of those chain-link, barbed-wire fences counting down the days—it would all be for nothing.

Does it hurt? Of course, it does. The days are long, the same as they’ve always been. The nights are lonely, filled with heartache and tears and longing for a boy who somehow managed to crack my walls and fill my heart with hope. But, the fact that Noah no longer uses his bedroom door to come and go means I barely see him. The one time I did, he gave me a single, tight-lipped head nod, and walked away. That’s when I knew it was over for us… that whatever fleeting moment we had was gone.

I remind myself that it’s okay.

That I still have my purpose.

My reward.

But telling myself that and forcing myself to believe it are two different things. Maybe that’s why it’s been almost two weeks since that night, and I’ve only now found the courage to face my sister. No doubt Noah has told Bradley, and Bradley’s told her.

Shame and fear.

Sometimes, they’re the same things.

I get out of the car and open the front door, knowing it’s Milky’s night off and that I can’t hide out at the public library pretending to study forever. Milky’s sitting on the couch, Bradley next to her. She’s crying, and he’s holding her, and I dump my bag on the kitchen counter and go to her, drop to my knees. “What happened? Is Grandma—Grandpa?”

“They’re fine,” Milky says, lowering her hands from her tear-filled eyes. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Bradley kisses her temple. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Milky rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

As soon as the front door closes behind him, I ask, “Did he just break up with you?”

“He may as well have,” she sobs, wiping her leaking nose across the sleeve of her hoody. “They’re moving out, Andie. Noah and Bradley—they put the ad up today for people to take over their lease.”

My heart drops to my stomach. “Why?”

“You know why!” she accuses.

“Because… because of Noah and me?”

“And now Bradley’s going to live somewhere else, and he’s not going to want me!”

“You don’t know that, Milky,” I assure, stroking her hair.

“Bullshit. Bradley’s nice, remember? And he’s young and free, and he can get any girl he wants. He’s not going to want to be with a twenty-one-year-old stripper! He’s only with me because it’s convenient!”

“That’s not—”

“What? Fair? Nothing’s fair, Andie. Not when it comes to us.” She stands up, marches to her room and slams the door behind her.

“What can I do?” I shout into the empty room.

“Nothing! Just leave me alone!”

My fists ball at my sides, anger and protectiveness reducing me to nothing but wild thoughts and wild actions… like marching out the back door and up the balcony steps and slamming my palm against Noah’s door.

He’s quick to appear, to slide open the door, his face void of any emotion.

“You’re moving out?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because why? Because I didn’t kiss you back?”

“Because I don’t want to be here with you!” he snaps. “Because I don’t want you standing on my balcony demanding answers. Because I don’t want to be this close to you. Because I don’t want to be near you, knowing I can’t fucking have you!”

I step back, away from his assault, from his words, words that bleed into anger and fill me with shame.

“Fuck, Andie. Did I get it wrong the entire time? Were you not into me? Because I swear you were, and then you tell me that your heart belongs to some other guy?”

“It’s not—”

“Where is he, Andie? Because if he’s not dead or deployed or some other reasonable excuse, then he should be here taking care of you!”

A knot lodges in my throat, making it impossible to speak, while heat burns behind my nose, my eyes. I beg my body to keep it together until I’m in my house, away from my heart’s desire. I wrap my arms around my waist, keep my gaze lowered, and verbalize the reason why I came here in the first place. “You’re hurting Bradley and Milky.”

In front of me, the boy who once spoke of beauty now only speaks of undeniable truths. “And you’re hurting me, Andie, so where’s the compromise?”