Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for your kind gift of the leather-bound book full of pictures of your penis. It’s a very charming member, but unfortunately, I will be unable to reciprocate. My camera does not have a powerful enough magnifier.

Kind Regards,

 

 

We stay at the villa for the rest of the summer holidays. Every day I check anxiously with my parents, but they stay fine and assure me they’ll call if they need me. Asa promises we’ll leave instantly if I’m wanted for any reason, so for once I relax and let the world fall away.

We spend long days lazing on the beach and playing in the pool with Billy, and grow tanned and lazy. Asa hires a car for a week and we explore the island, finding tiny, hidden beaches where the water is a glowing turquoise. Another week we hire a boat and spend days out on the sea, and at Billy’s urging, we pull ourselves away from seclusion and visit a water park.

We never mention my confession again, but I notice a difference in both of us as we see out our time here. He seems almost quietly content, as if my giving him some of my pain has made him happy. He hugs me and touches me more often. Many times I look up and see him watching me with a quiet, contented look on his face which he takes care to hide as soon as I see, so I always shake my head and smile.

As for me, I’m easier and feel lighter, as if by telling him I’ve let drop some of the weight I feel hanging on me all the time. It’s ridiculous, because the figures on my bank balance and the loan don’t change, which means it’s only me who’s altered. I’m changing, and I don’t know whether to be happy or worried, so I veer wildly between the two, and we carry on as we always have, as if nothing is different. And somehow a tiny part of me, the last small shard of optimism, sits up and takes notice and begins to dream.

However, in the end reality beckons. The holidays are over, the paparazzi have vanished, and it’s time for Billy to go back to school.

***

A few days after we get back, I am leading Billy down a side street. “Come on, mate. We’re supposed to be meeting Daddy at the showroom and we’ll be late.”

Billy hops along and looks at me earnestly. “It’s not my fault, Jude. The dentist took ages.” He brightens. “Did you see that big silver thing on his tray? That was huge. What do you think he does with it?”

I shudder. I hate the fucking dentist. “I’m trying not to think about it.”

“That’s because you don’t know the answer,” he says sagely. “I try to do that when Mrs Clark asks me a question.” He stops hopping. “Oh, bugger,” he says dolefully. “My shoelaces have come undone.”

I try not to smile. “Language, Billy. Are you allowed to use that word?”

He thinks hard. “I don’t think so,” he says finally, and sighs. “It’s just there’s so much I’m not supposed to say, I sometimes can’t remember.”

I shake my head and pick him up, depositing him at the entrance to an alley so I can crouch down and do his laces out of the way of the London commuters. “I think you do know the word bugger is not allowed.”

“Yes, but -” He stops and tilts his head to one side. “What’s that funny noise?”

I look up. “I didn’t hear anything.” Then I stiffen as I hear a whining and snuffling noise. I stand up quickly and put myself in front of him, looking around suspiciously, but the alley is completely empty apart from a big skip and a tower of crates by a steel back door.

“There’s nothing here,” I finally say. “It must have been the wind.”

He looks around staring fiercely, and I give him an affectionate look. Then we both hear the noise again, and he jumps up and down excitedly.

“Oh, what is it, Jude? It’s coming from that big bin.”

“Nothing,” I say briskly. “It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” he says firmly, and I have to agree. The little cries and whimpers are coming rapidly now, and they’re definitely coming from the skip.

I look down and sigh heavily at the big eyes Billy is projecting towards me at the moment. We exchange a stare off for a couple of minutes, which I lose as usual, and I capitulate. “Okay, I’ll have a look.”

“Hooray!” He claps his hands, but I hold up my hand.

“But you are not coming near, Bill. You are going to stand right here.” I steer him to stand against the wall opposite the bin. “And you are not going to move a muscle,” I say sternly. “Okay?”

“Okay,” he says quickly. “Ooh, do you think it’s a hamster?” he asks hopefully.

I shake my head. “That noise is a bit big for a hamster, Bill.”

I stride over to the skip which is only half closed, and gingerly taking hold of the lid, I throw it back and then jump away quickly. Billy gives a squeal and a peal of laughter, and I give him a mock glare and make a zipping motion.

He immediately puts his hand over his mouth, his eyes brimming with laughter.

I turn back to the skip as nothing has jumped out at me, and cautiously pop my head over the top. It’s two thirds full of rubbish, and the stench is enough to make me gag and my eyes water. At first, I don’t see anything, but then some fish and chip wrappers move, and I catch my breath as a tiny pair of bright eyes look up. “Oh shit!” I breathe out.

“That word’s definitely not allowed, Jude. You know that.”

I try not to smile. “Okay, Sorry, mate.” I look down as the wrappers move further, and a furry little body comes into view and a tiny face looks at me sadly. “Motherfucker!” I mutter, thankfully low enough under my breath.

“What is it, Jude?” Billy shouts.

“It’s a puppy,” I call out without thinking, and then brace myself as he immediately runs to my side.

“A puppy in a bin. Oh my goodness, what’s it doing in a bin?”

Some bastard put it in I think grimly, wishing I could find the person concerned and fuck him up. The poor animal stood no chance of getting out of here and if it wasn’t heard, would be thrown into the rubbish lorry and crushed by the compactor. I shudder at the thought, and look down to find Billy looking at me.

“Can I see him?” he asks eagerly.

I sigh. I can only see this going one way, and Asa is going to fucking kill me. “Okay,” I say, resigned. “But when I pick you up, do not touch the bin. It’s filthy.”

“Okey dokey,” he says, dancing about as I reach down and grab him. Holding him up on my shoulder we both stare into the bin. “Oh,” he says in ecstasy. “He’s very pretty. Look how tiny he is.” He rests an arm on my head nearly breaking my nose, and looks down at me. “What shall we do?” he asks, and much as I don’t want to do it, I know what I’ve got to do.

I set him down and direct him back to the wall. I strip off my green parka and put it into his arms. “Hold that, Bill.”

He jumps up and down, looking at me as though I’m Superman. “Oh, Jude, you’re going to rescue him.” He hugs my legs, saying passionately, “I love you so much.”

I feel stupid tears in my throat and swallow hard. “I love you too, Bill,” I say quietly. “Now stay here and don’t move. Okay?”

He nods furiously and I grab a couple of the empty crates from the pile and drag them over to the skip to act as a step up. I look down at my outfit of jeans and a grey Stone Island jumper, and then finally at my red and white Gazelles, a gift from Dylan for my birthday, and sigh. Then I climb up on the crates, and trying not to inhale, I drop into the bin.

I land on something particularly squishy and disgusting, but I refuse to look. Instead, holding onto the side, I reach out and try to grab the puppy with the tips of my fingers. It whines and wriggles away and my feet sink further into the mess. I try a sort of non-threatening wading motion through the rubbish and manage to get my hand near it, but it backs away again, and my hand sinks into the disgusting mix of old food wrappers and tins.

“God, this is disgusting!” I breathe out. I actually feel like I’m in that scene in ‘Star Wars’, with Han Solo in the trash compactor, but Harrison Ford is far too nice a thought to waste on a skip escapade. Finally, after a few minutes of clicking my tongue and wriggling my fingers, I manage to touch its little matted body, feeling the shudders running through it. I rest my fingers cautiously on its neck, but it looks at me trustingly, so I know it’s not going to bite.

“Okay, mate,” I say soothingly. “Come on. Come to Jude.” It wriggles closer, sinking a little in the greasy wrappings, and then finally I get purchase on the tiny, thin body, and holding it gently, I grab hold and lift it into my chest.

“Have you got him, Jude?” Billy shouts.

“Yes, mate. Stay there,” I shout. The ringtone of ‘Father Figure’ by George Michael sounds out from my parka pocket. “Billy, that’s Daddy. Reach in and answer the phone.” Asa threatened to kill me when he first heard his ringtone, but I laughed and asked if he wanted me to call him Daddy. He’s self-conscious about our age gap, but I find the best way to deal with it is to take the piss and he instantly relaxes.

There’s a silence broken only by the ringing and then it stops and I hear Billy say delightedly, ‘Daddy’. He’s silent for a second, obviously listening to Asa, before saying, “Jude can’t come to the phone right now, Daddy. He’s in the bin.”

I close my eyes and groan. He’s never going to let me forget this, the fucker. The puppy looks up at me with sad looking blackberry eyes and nestles closer. “Okay, sweetie,” I croon. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Jude,” Billy bellows. “Daddy wants to know where we are and what on earth you’re doing?”

I look up at the street sign. “Amen Alley off the High Street. The other bit’s too complicated to explain. Tell him to hold on. I won’t be a minute.”

I climb out of the skip which is slightly awkward one handed, but finally I edge down the crate steps. Billy is there, obediently waiting against the wall, but positively vibrating. “Daddy says to wait where we are and he’ll come and get us.”

“Okay, Bill. Pass me my parka please, mate.”

He drags it behind him and hands it to me eagerly, looking at the bundle of fur in my hands. “Oh, can I see? Can I see?” He’s practically doing a two-step.

I lay the parka out on the ground and then gingerly set the puppy down, ready for if it runs away, but it stays there, shivering and looking pathetic. It’s tiny. A little bundle of black and white fur which is covered in God knows what, and Billy and I gag a little at the stench.

“Oh, he’s so lovely,” Billy says reverently. “Hello puppy. I’m Billy and this is Jude.”

The puppy quivers slightly, and I groan pitifully at the stench of urine which has joined the aroma of garbage on my now completely fucked parka. Then I kneel down, putting my hand out and caressing the puppy’s large, pointy ears. It’s impossible to see what breed he or she is, but it allows me to rub its ears and whines slightly.

“Alright, baby,” I croon. “You’re safe now.”

Wrapping it up in my parka, I get to my feet and look down to tell Bill something, but we’re interrupted by the sound of a car engine. I look up to see a cherry red Mini with a white racing stripe down the centre, pull neatly into the entrance of the alley. The engine switches off and the driver’s door opens before Asa unfolds himself out.

I smile. “Oh my God, you look like Atlas getting out of a pedal car.”

He smirks. “What the hell is going on here? I thought you were meeting me at the car showroom, and instead Bill tells me you’re skip diving.” He breaks off as a tiny whine comes from my parka, and his eyes go wide. “What the hell is that?” he says slowly.

I hold up the parka and a tiny nose comes into view twitching sadly, before the puppy sticks its head out.

“Good Christ!” Asa rears back and then looks at me panicked. “Tell me he hasn’t pinched that from school.”

I laugh, and Bill says indignantly, “I told you I don’t do that anymore, Daddy.”

Asa leans closer and then gags. “Jesus, is that smell you or the dog?”

“A bit of both I imagine,” I say morosely.

The sound of the door opening on the Mini draws our attention, and I watch as a very thin, middle-aged man climbs out. “Who’s that?” I hiss.

“The salesman. We’re on a test drive, remember.”

“I remember telling you I didn’t need a car,” I mutter, and he shakes his head.

“Nonsense, it’s perfect. It’s small and nippy and you can zip about all over London. Miss Hampton had a car service. You deserve your own car.”

I shake my head at him and he grins.

The salesman reaches us and holds out his hand. “Hello, I’m Stanley Atkins. You must be Mister Bailey. Mister Jacobs was very insistent that you should look at the car, as apparently you’re the lucky recipient.”

I juggle my parka carefully and extend my hand, only for both of us to watch in disbelief as what looks like a potato peeling drops out of my sleeve. Asa snorts and I glare at him as the man’s hand slowly drops. A breeze blows up and he gets an arrested look on his face as the stench hits him.

“Yes. Well,” he says, carefully looking only at Asa. “Here we are.”

“Here we are,” Asa echoes, his lips twitching.

“Is that Jude’s Mini?” Billy says excitedly. “Ooh look, it’s the same colour as his trainers.”

I look down sadly at the shoes which are caked in something I don’t even want to think about, and shake my head. “Not anymore.”

The man laughs heartily and a little nervously as if sensing a sale slipping away. “Well, it must be nice to have such a caring partner who wants to treat you.”

My mouth falls open, but Billy sidles up next to him, smiling. “Jude’s not Daddy’s partner,” he says happily. “Daddy pays him to live with him.”

Asa’s roar of laughter startles two pigeons away and I glare at him, but he ignores me happily. “Shall we have a look at it?” he says, clapping his hands together.

Looking at the salesman leading the way eagerly, I laugh. “This must be the most unusual sale he’s ever made.” But just as I move off, Asa grabs my arm and brings me to a stop, while Billy dances next to the salesman talking excitedly.

“Never mind that,” he hisses. “What the fuck are we going to do with that dog?”

I look at him imploringly, and just to seal the deal I add the big eyes Billy deploys regularly.

He groans and shakes his head. “Shit, Jude. Really?”

I nod.  “Look at it this way, Billy’s always wanted a dog, and I couldn’t leave it in the skip, Asa. You know what would have happened.”

He immediately shakes his head. “Fuck, no. Of course not. There are some bloody wankers about,” he says disgustedly. He stares into space before obviously coming to a conclusion. “I’m making no promises. We’ll take it to a vet and get it checked over, and if it’s okay, we’ll assess the situation then.” He gives me stern eyes. “Okay?”

“Yes,” I say breathily, and he shakes his head crossly.

“Not the big eyes and the husky voice, Jude. It’s not fair. You know I can’t hold out.”

I snigger. “I know. You’re also putty in my hands when I take off my clothes.” I look around considering. “I did think about it, but decided on second thoughts not to utilize that option here.”

“Thank you,” he says solemnly. “It might have been too much for Stanley Atkins.”

I laugh and he turns to the car and removes Billy from the driver’s seat, where he’s trying to start the car with a Power Rangers figure. Slinging him onto his shoulder, he turns to the salesman. “We’ll take it,” he says grandly. “I’ll want it in the red, but with the stone coloured leather upholstery we talked about.”

The salesman claps. “We can go back to the showroom and complete the finance paperwork. I think we can probably have the car ready for you by the end of the week.”

Asa shakes his head. “I don’t need finance. I’ll write you a cheque.”

The man looks a little stunned. “Well, that’s wonderful.”

Asa looks at him. “I just need a favour, if that’s okay. Could you drop the three of us off at the local vet, and take the car back to the showroom?”

The salesman looks at me and blinks rapidly, but then nods enthusiastically. “Mister Jacobs, you’ve just bought a car outright. I would drive you to China if you wanted.”

***

An hour later, Asa stirs next to me. “I must say now I’ve got used to the aroma of eau de garbage on you, I can see the benefits.”

“What?”

“Look around. We’ve got so much space, it’s brilliant.” I look at my surroundings. The vets had been very busy when we got there, but gradually people have moved away or settled for waiting outside, and now there are empty seats everywhere around us.

I shrug. “Go me, the Garbage King.”

Billy stands up from where he’d been kneeling watching the dog sitting on my parka, as absorbed as if he was watching Finding Nemo. “Are you bored, Jude?” he asks, climbing onto my lap and hugging me.  “Do you want a game of I Spy?”

“No, thank you,” I say faintly, and Asa laughs.

“Did you lose again?”

“Yes, I did,” I say indignantly. “Because I failed to notice the tigers on Church Street.”

He grins lazily. “It’s more fantasy I Spy, than actual I Spy. It’s slightly more challenging, and something he mostly wins.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Mostly?”

He shrugs. “Okay, always.”

I shake my head. “Nothing is ever normal around you.”

He throws his arm over the back of my chair and surreptitiously caresses my hair. “You got it,” he whispers. “I’m abnormally oversized where it really counts.”

I shake my head and then smile at the old lady who has ventured bravely over the Straits of Stink.

“What a cute little puppy,” she exclaims. “Is he yours?”

Billy jumps down immediately, smiling at her. “Yes, he’s our puppy.”

Asa shakes his head and closes his eyes. The old lady coos, bending down to stroke the puppy and Billy shakes his head in a very doom-laden way. “I don’t think you should touch him.”

The old woman looks nervous. “Why?”

“Daddy thinks he’s got worms because he keeps rubbing his bottom on Jude’s coat.”

Asa’s roar of laughter is broken by the vet’s assistant calling us in.

Later that night, I pop my head around Billy’s bedroom door as I dry my hair with a big, green towel. After we left the vet, I endured a visit to Sainsbury’s so Asa could spend the equivalent of a small country’s budget on dog equipment, but as soon as we got home, I made a beeline for the bathroom. Now, I’m dressed in my favourite ripped, black jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt, and I finally feel clean.

I look around the room appreciatively. It’s dinosaur themed as Billy is mad on them. Keeping the theme Asa seems to live by, the room pops with colour. The walls are navy but enlivened by brightly coloured bunting. The bed is painted green, and the bedlinen is a vibrant dinosaur pattern with orange sheets. A bookshelf lines one wall crammed with books, and next to the door is a floor to ceiling sheet of metal on which are hundreds of multi-coloured, magnetic letters. There are even dinosaur decals on the toilets, to encourage Billy to aim properly when he goes for a wee. They’re peculiarly fascinating, and I do find myself aiming at them now when I go to the loo. I told Asa about it. Strangely enough, it turns out, he doesn’t do the same, but it made him laugh.

I walk further into the room and come to a stop, my lips quirking. “Did you get into bed all by yourself, Bill?”

He nods piously, looking like a little angel with his black curls washed and his cheeks flushed from his bath. “Yes, I thought I’d get into bed and help you and Daddy because you’re so busy.”

“Oh, you did, did you?” I walk casually over and sit on his bed, carefully avoiding the spot under the covers which is frantically wriggling.

He looks anxiously to make sure I haven’t flattened the dog, and then relaxes a little. “Be careful when you sit on my bed, Jude.”

“Why?” I say in a tone of astonishment. “Why would I need to be careful?”

He gives me a disgruntled look. “Well, you’re big, Jude, and you don’t always look where you’re going.”

I laugh because I told him off about that the other day. “Oh, okay. It’s not because…” I pause and lean in, saying in a tone of doom, “There is a dog in your bed?”

He wrinkles his nose as I fling the duvet back, revealing the ball of black and white fluff cuddled into Billy’s dinosaur patterned pyjamas.

“Well, look at this,” I say, aiming a mock stern look at Billy. “Did she manage to get in by herself?”

The vet revealed her sex, as well as the information that the dog is a mongrel with a good dose of terrier in her. He didn’t think she’d grow very big, and said she was healthy and most likely about six weeks old. He then gave her all her shots and chipped her.

“Has she had a bath?”

He nods. “Daddy and I bathed her. I don’t think she liked it every much.” He pauses. “I’m not sure Daddy liked it either, especially when she weed on his hands.” He gives a hearty chuckle.

“Well, she smells better,” I say judiciously, and he smiles.

“So do you, Jude.”

I shrug, reaching out a finger towards the puppy who licks it with a rough pink tongue. “I like her collar,” I say, tracing the bright pink sparkling band.

“So do I.” He wrinkles his nose. “I know Daddy liked the blue one best, but it was boring. She likes this one better.”

“I suppose you should name her then, Bill. Seeing as she’s your puppy.”

He folds his arms and looks up at the ceiling contemplatively. “I think I’d like to call her Stanley Atkins.”

I look up. “What? Like the car salesman?”

He nods. He’d taken one of those very quick likings to people as young children do, and sat talking to Stanley all the way on the journey to the vets.

“You do know this is a girl dog, Bill. Shouldn’t she have a nice girl’s name?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. What about Celia or Ermintrude?”

He stares at me. “They’re silly names. Stanley Atkins is a different name. No one else will have a dog called Stanley Atkins.”

“Not a girl one, anyway,” I mutter. “Anyway, shouldn’t she be in the kitchen?”

He shakes his head, looking at me imploringly. “She wants to be with me, Jude. She told me.”

I smile at him. “Well, maybe she can stay for a cuddle for a while, but she’s got to sleep in the kitchen. Daddy says so.”

He pouts, but cuddles the dog under his arm as I pull the duvet over him and tuck him in.

“Okay, are you going to say your prayers?”

He nods and folds his hands together with his eyes screwed up very tight. “Our Father who aren’t in heaven, Harold be thy name, for ever and ever. Armain.”

“Jesus. Is this why I’m paying those horrendous fees at a private school?” A deep voice comes from the door, and I jump, before laughing.

“I know. I don’t normally listen because I’m tidying his room.” I pause. “Harold is a nice name for Our Lord, though.”

“Daddy, I’ve named the puppy. She’s called Stanley Atkins.”

Asa blinks for a second, and then rallies. “Well, maybe she should be called Houdini since I left her tucked up in her basket downstairs in the kitchen with the door closed.” I snort, and he grins lazily at me. “She can stay with you for a little while, but I’ll put her downstairs when you’ve gone to sleep.”

Billy nods furiously and I smile, climbing to my feet.

“Where are you going?” Asa asks, turning away from Billy to face me.

“Leaving you while you read a story.”

He looks me up and down, a dark look on his face as he runs his gaze down my body before leaning closer.

“Wait in my bedroom,” he whispers. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

“Something I notice you didn’t say before I had a shower,” I say tartly.

“I didn’t want my nostrils to die of shock.”

I laugh as I leave him, but my heart begins to thud heavily as I climb the stairs.