“You look good,” Ash says. “Healthy.” Then he winces. “Which, of course, you do. You play fucking hockey.” He laughs the nervous chuckle that he has, and I find myself smiling.

Ash was there for all the important parts of my life, so it’s weird having this giant gap between us now, but that’s what happens when relationships break down.

Toward the end, things were ugly. We were fighting constantly. I don’t blame him for the ultimatum or the way things happened and hold no grudges, but it’s still weird.

Max hasn’t lost the constipated look on his face even with Lennon gone.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom?” I ask him, which makes him scowl harder.

“I don’t understand how you two can be so … so …”

“So, what?” I ask.

“Cavalier.” Max throws up his hands. “You guys had years together, and it seems like a waste now.”

I have no idea what he means by that, and before I can ask, he storms away, leaving me with Ash.

“What was that all about?” I ask.

Ash shakes his head. “I dunno. He’s been acting weird lately.”

“Max is always weird.”

We share a smile.

“And how have you been?” I manage to ask.

“Really good. I feel like I’ve gotten my life back, you know?” He winces again. “Sorry, my mouth is saying all kinds of wrong things today.”

I laugh, even if it sounds sad. “Yeah, but that’s fair.”

God, this is hard. I’ve heard about running into exes and how bad it can be, but I never imagined it would be like this with Ash.

“It’s not fair, and I didn’t mean it as a dig at you or anything. It’s just … if I’d known you were bringing someone, I might’ve skipped today, because I’ll admit seeing you with someone else is really fucking hard, but—”

“Yeah, well, hearing from my brothers that you’ve been sleeping around wasn’t exactly fun for me either.”

“I’m not. I mean … I’m not anymore. I’m, umm, well …”

“In a relationship. I know. The guys told me. And that’s completely okay, because so am I. That’s kinda what happens when you break up with someone, right? You both move on?”

I’m trying to move on and finally feel like I’m in a place to be able to do that.

“Yeah. You’re right. And I am.” It’s not until he reaches up to run his hand through his hair again—a nervous habit he’s had since we were kids—that I realize just how much he’s moving on.

My blood runs cold. “What the fuck is that?” I point to his ring finger.

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” Ash sucks in a sharp breath. “I’m engaged.”

For a minute, my body and my head don’t know how to react. It’s only been a year since we broke up, and as far as I’m aware, he was still sleeping around six months ago—if my brother’s word is anything to go by.

“That’s fast,” I blurt out, thinking I only say it in my head.

“It is.”

I don’t know if I have an opinion about it or not. Part of me really hates it, because we were together for four years and marriage was an abstract concept that was a future thing to worry about. For him to dismiss what we had so easily and so fast and decide this new guy has always been the guy for him …

I mean, can I judge that though? I’m here with Lennon, hoping for more. Then again, I’m not fucking marrying the guy.

I think I’m understanding Max’s frustration now. “Who is he?”

“No one you know. He started out as a client.”

“When?” I ask.

“When what?”

“When did he become your client?”

Ash looks away. “Two years ago.”

Anger surges up. “Did—”

“No, I didn’t cheat on you, and I knew that would be the first thing you asked. He came into the shop again about six months ago for another tat, and it just … happened.”

“That easy, huh?”

Now I’m filled with jealousy for a whole other reason. Lennon and me … we’ve been anything but easy. Is that what relationships are supposed to be? Easy?

Or are they supposed to be heart fluttering, chest aching, and my body in a constant state of want? Because that’s what it’s like with Lennon.

“Well, I’m happy for you.” Okay, even I can tell my words are fake and my smile is tight, but I don’t care.

It’s not that I want Ash back or that I’m still in love with him, but why does him moving on so fast sting like a motherfucker?

I want to move on with Lennon, and I want to date him and see him and possibly fall in love with him. But marriage? I’m so many steps removed from that it seems like a foreign concept for me.

Marriage? Vows of forever?

All I want is a proper date. That’s where my life is at.

And that’s why it never worked with Ash.

“I’m gonna go see if my boyfriend needs help.”

Ash steps forward. “Ollie …”

“I’m good,” I promise him. “I’m fine. It was just a shock, but congrats. I mean that.” Yet my feet scurry away as if I’m lying.

I have no destination in mind, but my gut seems to know, and it’s not until I run into Lennon and my mother laughing in the kitchen that I snap out of whatever fucking emotion I’m feeling toward Ash and suddenly realize what I’m doing to Lennon.

Bringing him here.

Forcing him to pretend to be my boyfriend for my family’s sake, when in reality, it’s for mine.

Because I want him.

I think I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Including the NHL.

My chest stutters, and I think it’s my heart protesting. This is too heavy. It’s too much. Ash, my family, my career … Lennon.

This is beyond unfair to him.

When they finally notice my presence, Lennon’s beautiful smile drops.

“Are you okay?” he asks. Of course, he asks. Because he’s a nice person.

Guilt gnaws at me every time I remember that.

“Yeah …” I croak. “I just need to lie down for a minute.” I rush up the stairs and slam the door by accident but then cringe when I realize the entire backyard would’ve heard it.

I will not let this get to me. My feet pace back and forth, the floorboards in the attic squeaking under the pressure.

It’s not that Ash is moving on. It’s not.

Is it?

Fuck, I don’t know.

Maybe it’s that he gets to have the life we were planning. It wasn’t going to be soon, but we’d discussed it. Our parents pushed for it.

Meanwhile, I’m sneaking a sports reporter out of my hotel room and jerking off with him like it’s no big deal.

I guess the problem is everyone involved—my family, Ash, me—all of us thought Ash leaving me would be a good thing. That maybe it would be the push I needed to come out.

Nope, all it did was make me want to convince them I’m happy even without him.

Am I happy, though?

I think about hockey, about my life in New York, my new friends, Lennon and Jet, and realize, yeah, I’m happy, but …

Clarity hits with such force, I have to sit on the edge of my bed.

That there is my issue.

I’m happy, but I’m not complete.