THAT EVENING WHEN Trish came home I sat her down and filled her in on my new plans. She was sad to hear what I had decided but was not mad. She told me she understood and even though she would miss me immensely, I had to do what I had to do.
I also asked if she would deliver the letter to Luther the next day after class and, at first, she protested not wanting to get in the middle, I explained to her I didn’t want her in the middle. I just needed her to do for me what I couldn’t and that was hand him the letter face to face. That’s it. She didn’t have to say a word if she didn’t want to. She could just hand it to him and walk away. It helped my case a lot when I reminded her she had done it for Luther before so she kind of owed me one, and she finally agreed, saving me a little more heartache.
After all the serious stuff was out of the way we spent the rest of the night laughing and making new plans of visits and trips to see each other. Just what I needed.
***
“Let’s go, O’Neil, or you’re gonna miss your flight!” she shouted from the waiting taxi.
“Alright, Alright! I’m coming! Hold your panties on woman!” I shouted back to her, laughing.
I finished saying my goodbyes to my friends, giving them each a hug, and telling them how I would miss them. I made them all promise they would come visit, and I promised to take them around to all the touristy stuff, especially Rodeo Drive.
After a few more minutes I made my way to the cab, looking back at my school and campus for one last look, smiling brightly, reflecting on the last four years of my life, and that’s when I saw him.
He was standing pretty far away but I could still tell it was him standing there with his hands in his pockets, watching me make my departure. The smile that graced my lips vanished, replaced with sadness.
We stood there for a beat, gazing at each other from a distance one last time. As I stood there it felt like we were having one last, meaningful conversation. Apologies, sadness, and regret were silently exchanged between us in that last moment before giving him a very small sad smile. I whispered the word ‘goodbye’ but he couldn’t see or hear from the distance he was at, and I climbed in the car.
When we got to the airport, Trish helped me with my bags, and stayed with me until it was time to board.
“So, this is really it, huh?” I could tell Trish was getting emotional.
“Hey,” reaching over and comforting my friend with a hug, “Remember we said we wouldn’t be sad? We will still text and call all the time and you will come visit me when you can.” I broke the hug giving her a bright reassuring smile, with tears in my eyes as well. “Chin up girl! Besides you won’t even notice I’m gone with how busy Parker keeps you anyway.” We both busted out in laughter.
“You’re right. That man always has me tied up, working me out somehow or another,” she replied with a wink. “But I’m still going to be your best friend.”
“Flight number 912 leaving for LAX is now boarding,” The voice booming out of the loudspeaker.
“That’s me,” I said with a sad smile.
Trish walked me to the gate and we said our goodbyes, giving each other great big hugs.
“Try to be happy out there okay? And tell your condescending mother I said hi!” Sarcasm at its finest. We both know my mother can’t stand her. I love you girl, and I’m always only a phone call away if you need me.”
I gave her one last hug.
“I love your ass right back. Keep me updated on the goings on out this way. I need all the juicy gossip.”
I got to the long corridor that lead to the plane itself, turning around one last time to wave to my best friend, that I was leaving behind, with a bright promising smile, and then disappeared out of sight.
As soon as I boarded the plane I heard my phone ding signaling an incoming text message. We aren’t taking off for a few minutes, so I have time to see who it is before I must turn my phone on airplane mode.
TRISH: Look in the front pocket of your carry on! I love you please don’t be mad at me…...tty soon.
ME: What did you do? Did you get me a going away present that I won’t like or something?
Confused and very curious I was anxious to open the front pocket of my carry-on like she said, finding an envelope staring back at me; I pulled it out.
It was an envelope addressed to me. From Luther. I know it was because I recognized his handwriting right away.
I immediately text Trish again even though she didn’t acknowledge either of the other ones I sent.
ME: We need to have a serious conversation my friend the second I land!
He must have given it to Trish after reading my letter to him. After he received it he did what I asked and left me alone except for Monday as Trish was handing it to him. He asked her to relay a message about how sorry he was for fucking up like he did, but if I would agree to it, he wanted me to give him a chance to explain in person. That he owed me at least that much. That I shouldn’t have found out the way I did, but I wouldn’t give in.
Tears welled in my eyes as I sat there staring at the envelope, rubbing my thumb over my name on the front, torn whether to open it or not. Afraid of what I might do if I did. I may wind up hating myself, but I was compelled to open it. It was calling to my heart, like a siren’s call, so I waited until the plane started to take off and then I opened it.
My Angel,
Sadly, you should be well on your way, across the country by now if you’re reading this. Don’t be mad at your friend for helping a desperate guy out in a time of need, but you said your goodbye and I wanted a chance to do the same. I have respected your wishes and have left you alone since you no longer want anything to do with me, so this was the only way I knew how to tell you what I need for you to know.
You will never know just how sorry I am, or how deep my regret runs for not being honest with you from the beginning, and not being everything you needed me to be. I was the coward, angel, not you, and you have every right to hate me.
I’m not going to give you a string of excuses as to why I wasn’t because there aren’t any, I just wish you would have talked to me and let me explain myself.
I may have omitted some very important information, but I never lied about my feelings for you, never doubt that for a second. Everything I said about protecting and loving you, came from my heart, which is now flying a million miles away. It’s breaking me to even think the end has come for us, and that you need that much distance.
I have never felt the way I feel about you with anyone, including my wife. It’s all-consuming and very new to me. You consume my every thought of every day, and I was stupid. I did this to us. I threw us away and I will forever live with the excruciating pain it is causing until the day I die.
You said you won’t ever forget me, and I hope that’s true, because I will never forget you for as long as I live. You will forever be imprinted on my soul, no matter how far you are. I can only hope that one day you will give me a chance to explain, and can come to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you, angel. All I ever wanted was to give you all the stars in the sky from the moment I saw you.
I will never be too far, Alaina. I will always be here, should you need anything at all. With all my heart, body and soul I will forever love you.
Until we meet again, I will carry you with me always.
Yours eternally,
Luther
xoxo
P.S- One last thing. I have never been very good with sentiment or romance, but a song came on the radio the other day, and it was everything. Everything I was feeling and so much more. It says everything I can’t quite express to you properly, perfectly, and what gave me the idea to write this letter. I just hope it stays with you forever, ensuring you’ll in fact never forget me. Look in your phone’s music and find the song Apology by Austin Mahone. When you listen to it know that they are the words my heart is singing to yours, full of truth and sincerity. I will miss you, my Angel. xoxo
By the end of his letter, I was a wet soggy mess. I didn’t care I was on a plane full of people, who were now looking at me and whispering. They can keep whispering. Not wasting anymore time I quickly pulled up the song on my phone and put my headphones on. Even though my phone is in airplane mode, I can still listen to my music.
A beautiful man’s voice flowed through my ears with such sadness in his voice as the opening chords started with him singing about him hurting, someone told him to pray but he doesn’t think God wants to hear from him because he just broke his angel’s heart, so it’s hard to pray because she’s not there. Hearing those first chords splintered my own heart into a million little pieces all over again, but it was when I heard my own words I wrote to Luther being sang back in my ear, that I really lost all composure.
Hearing the sad voice sing about the woman he loves not wanting anything to do with him, hit my heart hard. Hearing him sing it, made me realize just how mean I probably sounded, and what he must have felt reading those words I wrote to him.
It’s a beautiful song about losing the one person his heart belongs to, due to something he did and can’t take back. The woman he loves won’t talk to or see him, and he’s so afraid that she will never hear his apology, so he sends her a love letter full of beautiful words along with his heartfelt apology.
In the letter he tells her that all he wants is her, and that if she would come back to him he promises to make things right. That he only needs a piece of her that still wants to be in his life to be happy. If she doesn’t she will have the most beautiful love letter in which he has poured his heart and soul into to remember him by.
This song, the letter, it was Luther’s apology to me. A sad, gut-wrenching song, that spoke volumes. A desperate plea to the woman he lost, full of so much emotion. Love, remorse, sorrow, loss. He was right. The song was full of so much truth, reflecting what has transpired between the two of us in the past week. He didn’t want the ugly to be the last thing I remembered of him. Instead he wanted my last memories of him to be beautiful and full of emotion, so he knew I would never forget him, and I couldn’t if I tried.
Putting the song on repeat, I continued listening, letting the words, his words, wash over me. Gazing out the window, I rested my head and let the tears fall for the rest of the plane ride home.
Instead of it feeling like I was going home, it felt like I was leaving home forever.