Chapter Twenty-Nine
Reed
I stood there, feeling helpless as I watched Kennedy drive away. I wanted to go after her, but I couldn’t leave Trinity in the house all alone. I reached for my phone and called her, but she didn’t pick up. I left messages, begging her to come back, but she didn’t return them. For a long time, I just stood outside, not wanting to believe that she had left me. When I finally dragged myself back into the house, I felt loneliness take hold of me. It reminded me of the way I had felt when Angela had first left me. Six years ago, I’d stood in the same spot, with Trinity fast asleep, and wondered what on earth I was going to do and how I was going to manage by myself. I’d finally let someone into my life again, and I was back to where I had started. I’d come full circle. I collapsed on the sofa, unsure of what to do with myself. In a way, Trinity was my saving grace. If she hadn’t been there, I was sure to have hit the bottle in order to forget. I could almost understand why my father had once done the same. I had never been much of a drinker, but at that moment, the thought of dulling the pain was far too close for comfort.
I switched on the TV, flipped channels until I found something that looked interesting, and then tried to lose myself in it. Fake laughter filled the room, and a show I had once found funny now seemed lifeless and depressing. But I kept it on, and I continued to watch for the next two hours. Every few minutes I’d look at my phone as if willing it to ring. I sent a few messages to Kennedy, but she didn’t respond to one of them. And then, when I finally felt my eyelids start to close, I switched off the TV and went to bed. After a full week of sleeping with Kennedy in my arms, the bed felt like the saddest place to be. I reached out for the second pillow and hugged it instead.
It took me a long time to fall asleep despite being exhausted, and in the morning I lay staring at the empty space beside me. I looked at the clock and knew that I should get up and make my daughter breakfast, but I couldn’t seem to find the energy. Trinity came in moments later and jumped onto the bed beside me.
“Where’s Kennedy?” she asked.
“She’s at home. It’s her day off today, remember?”
She sighed. “Oh yeah, I forgot. I was used to her being here.”
“You and me both, kiddo.”
“Daddy, I woke up before you today,” she said.
I smiled. “You sure did. I’m feeling tired today.”
She chuckled. “Tired? But you just woke up.”
“I know. Isn’t that crazy? I think it’s because I was silly and I stayed up to watch TV instead of going to bed.”
“That is silly. I fell asleep in the car. I remember waking up, and I was in bed. I was so confused.”
I chuckled. “You were fast asleep. You were snoring so loud in the car that the cab driver asked us if there was a little animal in the car.”
“No I wasn’t!” she said and giggled.
“Nah, just kidding. But you were fast asleep. That part I didn’t make up.”
“Daddy, why are you sad?”
“What? Why do you think I’m sad?”
“Because I can see. You know you always tell me that you can see when I’m sad. Well, I can do the same with you.”
I sighed. I’d been lying in bed thinking that it was time I told my daughter the truth, and I knew now that I couldn’t hide away from it any longer. Angela was sure to come back, and I’d rather Trinity found out the truth from me than from her.
“Trin, there’s something I need to tell you. I’m going to be completely honest with you about all of this because I know that you’re a big girl now, and you can handle it. But remember it’s okay to feel sad or angry, and if you have any questions, I want you to ask me, and I promise to answer truthfully. Okay?”
She nodded. “Okay, Daddy.”
I took a deep breath. “Your mother has come back.”
Her eyes widened. “My mother? My real mother?”
I nodded. “Your real mother. I haven’t seen her in six years, since the day she left us. And now she’s back.”
“What does she want?”
I shrugged. “I honestly have no idea. She wants me back, I guess. She wants to see you. I don’t know. I don’t know her anymore. Six years is a long time.”
“That’s how long I’ve been living,” Trinity said.
“Exactly, it’s a long time. Now, I want to talk to you about it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel upset or sad. But I think it’s good that you know what’s going on.”
“Because I’m a big girl now?”
“Yes, because you’re a big girl now and I know you can handle the truth. I don’t know why your mother left us all those years ago and I don’t know why she’s back. But she’s your mother, and you have every right to see her if you want to. I want you to know that I’m not going to stop you. If you want to see her, then I will make sure that you do. Okay?”
Trinity thought about it for a while. “Is she your girlfriend?”
I shook my head. “No. She’s not.”
“I don’t want to see her,” she said after a while.
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel influenced by me. You must do whatever you want, okay?”
“I don’t like to see you upset, Daddy. You’ve been so happy, and now you are sad. I don’t want to meet her. Anyway, I like being around Kennedy. Sometimes I wish she was my mother.”
My heart broke. Not only did Trinity not want to see her real mother, but I had now ruined things with Kennedy for her. What was wrong with me? Why did I mess everything up? Angela had been right all along. I wasn’t a good father. I didn’t have the heart to tell Trinity that I had messed up. She’d had enough truths for one day.
“How about we make some breakfast?” I suggested instead.
“Can we have healthy pancakes?”
I smiled. “We sure can.”
I climbed out of bed and set out to make pancakes with Trinity. She didn’t seem at all concerned about what I had told her about Angela. She was laughing and smiling as usual and talking about how she was going to make some pancakes for Kennedy soon. I was glad to see that she was happy despite what I had told her, but every time I heard Kennedy’s name, my heart broke.
Trinity was back at school the next day, so we set about getting everything ready, and again it at least gave me something to focus on. Trinity was sad that she was not going to be with Kennedy all day, but also excited for school.
“I’m going to tell everyone that I went to Disney World.”
I laughed. “That’s good. But remember what I said, okay? You can tell people, but you mustn’t brag. Not everyone gets the same opportunities, and you don’t want to make them feel left out. Okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, Daddy. I won’t boast. But can I still tell them?”
“You can tell them,” I said and smiled.
“Can we go through the pictures, Daddy?” she asked.
I gulped. I’d hoped that she would’ve forgotten about the photos. We’d spent all week taking photos of our trip, and I promised Trinity that we would go through them on the computer when I got home. I couldn’t take back my promise now even though the last thing I wanted to see was Kennedy’s happy face. I plugged it in and the two of us sat down together in front of the computer.
There were a lot of photos, and it took even longer than usual to go through all of them because Trinity kept stopping me to take a better look. She giggled with delight at all the photos, especially the ones where she and Kennedy had pretended to be dinosaurs. The photos were great, and I was happy to finally have some recent ones of Trinity, but they were also sad. Maybe if I showed the photos to Kennedy, she would forgive me.
“Why don’t you show Kennedy these photos tomorrow after school?” I said to Trinity. Kennedy wouldn’t sit down with me, but she wouldn’t say no to Trinity. It was a bit sneaky using my daughter to get back with Kennedy, but it was worth a shot. Trinity thought it was a fantastic idea, so I showed her how to open up the folder herself.
“Got it?” I said to her.
“Got it!”
“Trin, I need to get a bit of work done. Do you want me to put a movie on for you?”
“Yes, please. Can I choose?”
We walked to the living room together, and I put on one of her favorite movies. It never ceased to amaze me how she could watch the same movies over and over again and not get bored. Once she was settled, I went back to the room and opened up my laptop. I hadn’t looked at my emails all week, and I groaned at the sight of them. How could I have received so many in just a few days? I decided to spend the next hour methodically going through them so that I wouldn’t have as many to sort through tomorrow. I had a full list of clients seeing me tomorrow, so the quicker I got through the emails, the better.
I ended up sitting for an hour and a half, and I was pleased to see that I had gotten through almost all of them. Thankfully, as it turned out, a lot of them were spam emails that could just be deleted. I could still hear Trinity’s movie playing, and I picked up my phone to try Kennedy once more. I had a sudden overwhelming urge to talk to her again. I didn’t expect her to answer, so it was with great surprise when I heard her voice on the other side of the phone.
“Hi, Reed,” she said. Her voice sounded small and sad.
“I’m so glad you answered.”
“I almost didn’t,” she said.
“Ken, I miss you. Do you want to come for dinner tonight? I’ll make. I still owe you that spaghetti dish remember? Please come.”
“I’m sorry, Reed, but I can’t. I just can’t right now.”
I sighed. “Are you sure? We can talk things through.”
“There’s not much to talk about really. And I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so involved with you in the first place. I should’ve known that it was going to end in heartache.”
“It doesn’t have to,” I said.
“I’ll still be there for Trinity like I said, but I don’t think I can be her nanny anymore. Don’t worry, I know you have work tomorrow, and I know you need to catch up. I’ll still come this week. But I think this is going to be my last week, Reed. I’m sorry, but it’s just going to be too hard for me to see you every day.”
I gulped. I had a feeling she was going to say this. “I understand,” I said sadly.
“Okay. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Reed,” she said formally.
“See you tomorrow.”