Max

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The last of this morning’s contentment falls away, leaving me raw and cored out. If waking up next to Kate was a dream, this is a nightmare—the lingering kind.

Rachel won’t look at us. Seeing her like this, wan and diminished behind the Plexiglas divider, turns my fragile sense of wellbeing to one of dread. Her hair hangs limp and greasy over her shoulders; her skin’s lost its glow. Everything about her screams defeat, from her raw, chewed lips to her dejected posture.

She picks up the receiver and wipes it on her sleeve. It still looks greasy as she lifts it to her ear. “I know what you’re here for.”

I’d protest, but pretty lies won’t help her now.

“You can go home.” All the life’s drained out of her voice. She picks at a rough spot on the table, seemingly fascinated by it. “They’ll be waiting for you at your office, when you get home. Our files. I...I.... See for yourself.” Rachel goes to hang up.

“Wait! Rachel!”

She puts the phone back to her ear and says nothing.

I splay out my hand on the glass. “We didn’t come all this way just to abandon you. I’ve already been looking into lawyers, and—”

A harsh caw of laughter stops me in my tracks. “What? You’ve found one who’ll negotiate with the devil? Bring Kyle back from hell?”

My stomach turns. I swallow painfully. “Well, no, but a new bail hearing—”

“I don’t want that.”

“Rachel....”

“No.” She clings to the receiver, holding it to her cheek as though for comfort. Like a frightened child.

Kate holds out her hand. I pass her the phone, feeling helpless. She leans close to let me listen.

“I talked to your mom this morning.”

Rachel looks up—barely. Her lost expression turns avid. “Is she here? Did she bring Tom?”

“She took him home. To Lake George.” Kate’s knee’s bouncing frantically under the table, but she keeps her smile serene. “He’s doing fine. Grandpa’s teaching him to fish. They haven’t told him yet....”

“He’s not coming?” Rachel’s looking right at us now, from me to Kate and back again. I want to look away. There’s something accusing in those eyes—you let this happen; now look at me!

“I don’t... She didn’t say. But once we get you bail—”

“She hates me.” That brief light of hope goes out. Rachel’s shoulders slump. “I thought.... She hates me.”

“She doesn’t.” Kate glances at me. I squeeze her hand, at a loss for words. “I spoke to her myself. She’s worried about you. She’ll be here, soon as Tom’s settled in. She’d never keep your son from you—I’d stake my life on it.”

“She should.”

“Oh, Rachel.”

“She can’t bring him here. He can’t see.... They scream all night. Piss on the floor. Every second word out of their mouths....” She trails off, mumbling under her breath. “And once I’m convicted... Federal prison’ll be ten times worse. I can’t—he can’t....”

“I think they have video visits now. Like Skype, for....” Kate glances around. “For this kind of situation. You’ll talk to him. I promise.”

“I just want to talk to Kyle.” Rachel’s eyes wander to the door we came in by. “When they said I had visitors, I thought...I thought maybe it was a mistake. That I—that he’d somehow....” She lets her head droop again. “I can’t do this without him. How am I supposed to... He never misses tucking Tom in. Every night, no matter where he is—and he’s the one who makes breakfast. Drives us around. How do I get out of bed, knowing he’s...knowing I....” A miserable sob catches in her throat.

Kate looks like she wants to throw up. Her hand’s gone clammy in mine. “Is there anything we can do? Do you need money? Phone cards? Are we allowed to send food, or do they—”

“I’m not even pregnant.”

“Wh—what?”

Rachel’s lips twist into a rictus of despair. “It didn’t take. Again. So Kyle’s—he’s just gone. No trace of him left in the world—no part of him that gets to live on.”

Kate’s lips move soundlessly. Her leg’s gone still.

“Everything he might have been....” Rachel gouges at the back of her own hand, leaving deep, crescent-shaped marks. “Would you write something down for me? To read at the funeral?”

“They took my purse at the gate. I don’t have anything to write with. But if you call me later—sure. Anything you want.”

I look away, reeling. I feel queasy. Rachel, she’s... This isn’t her. She’s falling apart. Like Dev, maybe—was he like this, in his last moments? Rambling, full of regrets? Rachel’s pouring her heart out, in spite of Kate’s lack of a pen, all her sorrows spilling forth. It’s a goodbye—she’s saying goodbye to whoever will listen, and I can’t let her do this.

“Kate.”

Kate spares me a quick, panicked glance, and turns back to Rachel.

“Tell him to wait for me. Say...say I’m sorry I ever believed it, and if it was true—if it was true, I forgive him.” Rachel thumbs at her bare ring finger. “Put my wedding band in his hand. And his glasses; he’ll need them. Tell him I... Tell him what I said under the bridge, that time...I still mean every word.”

“I’ll tell him.”

I slip my arm around Kate’s waist. She’s tense and twitchy, damp with a cold sweat.

“I have to go now.” Rachel smiles, faint and distant.

“Wait—say you’ll—”

Too late. Rachel drops the receiver, not even bothering to set it in the cradle. A guard steps forward to hurry her away. She doesn’t look back, not even once.

Kate stands up, too. “We need to talk to someone. Get her on suicide watch, if she isn’t already. That was—that was....” She dashes her hand across her eyes. “We can’t let her do it.”

“We won’t.” I find my own feet. My temples are throbbing with the beginnings of a headache. This guy...he’s tearing us to shreds, one by one. First Dev, then Kyle. Now Rachel. I’m not holding up so well, myself: without my anger to hold onto, I’m all at sea. Dev left a hole in me when he went. Kyle tore it wider, and Rachel—she has to survive this.

“I’m going to call her mom again. Someone should be here for her. After we go back.”

I nod, not trusting my voice. Back to New York. Right. We’ll have to fly back tonight. Face whatever fresh horror awaits.

Kate pulls me into a quick, tight hug. “We’ll all stick together. See this through.”

See this through. Rachel thought only the blackmailer’s death would end our ordeal. It’s easy to picture that, here in the bowels of the prison. I’d send him flying, if it were up to me. Let him feel the terror Dev must’ve felt as the ground rushed up to meet him.

I end up waiting for Kate while she talks to the warden about Rachel’s suicide watch. Finding out it’s already taken care of doesn’t brighten my mood any. Neither does the beautiful day waiting for us on the other side of the gates.

All I can think about is what’s waiting for us back home.