Cristiano
I can’t believe she’s single, but it doesn’t matter much if she wasn’t. I hate wasting time and if she was with another man I’d politely, but firmly, let him know his time was up. He had his chance to put a ring on it, but apparently didn’t.
Like I said, I hate wasting time. It’s our most precious resource and at thirty-eight years old I value it even more than ever.
But the most important thing about time is spending it with the right people. And in this case the right person.
The one? It sure feels that way.
I’ve never felt something like this in the pit of my stomach. Never.
But I can’t let my emotions get the best of me. I need to be rational about this. At least as much as I can. To get to know her first.
Does love at first sight exist? If you would have asked me last week I would have told you you’re crazy.
But after some spilled ice cream in the hallway? Now I’m a believer.
“I believe we’ll take the beef tartare and the side salads,” I say to the waiter.
“You didn’t even open the menu,” she gasps. “And you’re not going to ask me what I want?”
“The beef tartare is the best in the city. That’s one of the reasons we’re here. And that’s just a starter. I plan on taking my time tonight and getting to know you. Enjoying this evening and this city we both recently moved to. And after our appetizers I absolutely expect you to order your own dish. I wouldn’t be that presumptuous.”
She leans back in her chair a bit after having come forward to challenge me. I like that. I like a girl with a backbone and a bit of feistiness to her. Maybe even more than a bit. What I dislike more than just about anything is when people just defer or cower to people with titles or positions. I like someone to stand up for themselves no matter what they happen to do from nine to five for money or what cards life has dealt them. And I’m very interested to know more about her life…where she gets her strength from.
“Your champagne, sir.” I turn and take the flutes handing one to her and keeping one for myself.
“To the city,” I say acknowledging our sky high table and the view it provides. “And to you,” I say acknowledging that the view in front of me is even better.
She blushes slightly and we clink glasses.
“What brought you to the big city?” I ask after we take a sip.
I want to know everything about her all at once. My patience issue is in fine form tonight and I’m doing everything I can to control it…and failing.
Just like I’m failing to control the form that took place in my trousers the minute I saw her tonight. At least now I’m sitting down and I can hide what I’ve got underneath the table. I’m throbbing so hard it hurts, but I don’t feel the pain. I’m so focused on her and learning about her.
“Small town. Small opportunities. At least that’s how the saying goes.”
“I know the feeling,” I say.
“It’s hard to believe you’re from a small town too.”
“Why is that?”
“You just seem so…polished.”
“Polished as in rehearsed? Not authentic?” That’s definitely the last thing I am and something no one has ever accused me of. I’d be shocked if she’s the first and if so we’ve got major trouble on our hands.
“No, not like that,” she says and I exhale. I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath waiting for her response.
“It’s just that you seem so…comfortable and relaxed in your own skin.”
“You seem the same.”
“Then I’m doing a good job of keeping up the act,” she says. She laughs and takes a sip of her alcohol. I mirror her movement without even realizing it.
The champagne tastes good, but what I really want to taste are those lips of hers.
I can’t even remember the last time I had alcohol and I also can’t remember the last time I was with a woman…but for a very different reason. One I’ll have to disclose to her in time. I’m not about to waste her time and I want to build trust with her, but I’m not about to blurt out my life story at dinner either.
“I don’t think it’s an act,” I say. “You’ve got a lot of pep to you. You don’t seem to be one to back down. I feel like you’ve got a lot of fight to you.”
“It’s learned behavior.”
“How so?” I ask. I know from my biology studies that learned behavior is what we develop as the result of our experiences. They are in direct contrast with innate behaviors, which are genetically hardwired in us and can come naturally without experience or training. The fact that she even used the words learned behavior tells me she’s drawing on her own biology studies, or from some sort of experience, very possibly traumatic, earlier in her life. I just want to get up from the table and hug her if that’s the case. I can’t even force myself to imagine anything bad happening to her ever, nor would I ever want to. It’s too painful.
She doesn’t immediately reply.
“If my question is out of line we can disregard it.”
“No. No. It’s not that.” Another pause. “Once I get to talking I can’t stop, and I’m a bit of an over communicator. Not in a bad way or anything, but I just provide way to many details and it sometimes bores the other person.”
“I’m interested in all the details when it comes to you.”
“Really?”
“Really,” I say raising my glass.
We clink again and each take a sip.
“Why?”
“You work in a hospital. You know how people are irrational. You see the results of their behavior each and every day. Sure, there is plenty of bad luck but there are also a lot of bad decisions.”
“But those so called bad decisions are more based on emotion than logic.”
“Exactly. And for years I always wondered why people couldn’t just get a hold of themselves. Eat right. Get sleep. Exercise. It’s not that easy.”
“And don’t start fights with people who carry guns,” she says.
“Also a big one,” I say and a laugh stretches my mouth a bit. She’s got a quick wit and I’m going to have to stay on my A game to keep up.
“So how does that apply to the details of my life.”
“It doesn’t seem to, does it?”
“Not at all. I mean I don’t exactly have a handgun tucked away in my purse and certainly not in this dress. I’m still wondering at what point I’m going to get to exhale in the evening. I know if I do it right now it will probably come apart at the seams. And I’m still wondering how I can somehow sit at an angle in my chair so the food I eat bypasses my stomach entirely and goes straight to my leg. No way the dress can hold an expanding waistline this evening.”
“Nonsense. You look amazing and life was meant to be lived. Tonight we eat and enjoy, consequences be damned.”
“I wish it were that easy, but I’m a woman.”
“I certainly noticed,” I say trying to avoid my line of sight dropping past her eyes, across her feminine collarbone and becoming transfixed on her heaving breasts. Our snappy conversation has her laughing from time to time and when she does her chest rises and falls. So far I’ve been able to get my fix of it thanks to my peripheral vision, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out with just a sneaky look. I want to take in her beauty in a more straightforward way. In a way that would be much to feral for a restaurant like this, and not in line with the amount of respect I have for her.
She lifts her eyebrow inquisitively and takes another quick sip. “So we haven’t got to the point yet. Still no answer.”
“Right. So it would seem to have nothing to do with learning about the details of your life, but it has to do everything in fact. And here’s how.” I wet my whistle with another sip. “My entire life I’ve wondered how people act irrationally. How they can’t just control themselves. I pride myself on mine. It takes some work at first, but once you get it in place it runs on it’s own…in the background. I don’t even think about it now. It’s just part of my life. Until something comes along and shakes it all up. Something that threatens my way of life and makes me realize just how rational it is that people act irrationally.”
“You’re confusing me.”
“That’s my point. You’ve completely confused me, or should I say the construct I’ve built for myself. The one I forgot even existed. The way everything happened when we first met. The way you came in like a hurricane…twice…and shook up everything. And now that you’ve come through you can’t un-comethrough.”
“Is that even a word?”
“Probably not, but tonight it is.”
“I’ll go with it. But this hurricane that I am…I’ve left damage?”
“Oh you’ve left damage alright.”
“That doesn’t sound very nice.”
“It’s not nice at all.”
“I’m not sure I want to be associated with that kind of destruction and mayhem.”
“You should.”
“Why is that?”
“Because the destruction and mayhem you’ve caused are to my world. You’ve showed me I wasn’t living at all. I thought I had almost reached the pinnacle of the human existence and then you came along and showed me I was as far from it as humanly possible.”
“That sounds like a line. It can’t be true.”
“It’s very true.”
“Prove it.”
“What’s the penthouse in the sky, the money in the bank, and the accolades from your colleges worth if you have no one there to share them with?”
“You still have them though.”
“Why? What’s the point? So I can frame some certificate and throw it on the wall and stare at it from time to time…in the dark.”
“I highly doubt that’s what you do with your free time.”
“It’s not. I don’t have much free time, because I was focused on more, more, more all these years.”
“Isn’t that the American dream?”
“Maybe for some.”
“Including you…until recently?”
“Until you.”
“Please.”
“Now I realize that the thing I want is the thing I can never achieve, for lack of a better word, myself. But yet it’s the thing I need more than anything.”
This time there’s no reply. No snappy comeback. Just a look in her eye that nearly matches the intensity of mine.
“You,” I say. “You.”