Chapter Six
Kase
He easily caught up to and passed Michelle, getting to the door first and holding it open for her.
She eyed him warily. “What are you doing?”
Following Jerrik’s orders. “Being polite and holding the door open for you.”
Without saying a word, she stepped to the side and pushed the other door open to walk through that. He snorted and fell in step beside her. “Now I’m glad I convinced you to come eat.”
“You didn’t convince me. You blackmailed me,” she countered. “Something which I’m not overly happy about.”
“It’s half past noon. This is prime lunch hour for the working class,” he said without hesitation. “You just wanted to delay.”
“Your point?”
“If you’d just agreed to come in the first place, I wouldn’t have had to stoop so low.” He made a face. “I’m not happy about having to do so. Where are you going?”
She was waiting to cross the street out front of the lab.
“To get food?” She pointed at the homestyle café two buildings down.
“No, no. That won’t do. Come on.” He moved closer, snagged her arm and, ignoring her protest, guided her after him down the street. It felt nice to be this close to her, their arms linked. It was just what Jerrik wanted him to be doing.
Kase hated himself for it.
“Where are you going? What’s wrong with Mirtle’s?” she complained. “I like their food.”
He frowned at her. “I thought you said you brought a lunch? What does it matter where I want to eat?”
Michelle worked her jaw. “My lunch is back at the lab.”
“Well, that’s silly. Why didn’t you bring it? You seemed so adamant about having your own lunch.”
The growl he got would have done a dragon proud. “Fine. I’ll go back and get it then.”
Caving at last, he smiled at her and winked. “You can eat with me, I suppose. I’m in the mood for Italian.”
“Of course you are. Where are you taking me, then? And I swear if you say Italy, I’m going back to the lab and eating my salad.”
“Yuck. Green.” He shivered, not faking it.
“It’s good for you.”
He mimed retching, enjoying the banter as she started to relax around him. “Give me meat and starches, please. Or carbs. Mmmm, carbs.”
“I’m beginning to think you’re hungry.”
“Always.”
Michelle just shook her head. “I love pasta, so you’re lucky.”
Kase smiled at her. “I know. I remember.”
Her head twisted sharply. “How do you remember that?”
“Excellent memory. Eidididie…edifreddie…edi—whatever, it’s a good memory.”
“Eidetic?” she supplied with a sigh. “You’d think if that was the case you’d remember the name.”
“I’m so busted.”
She giggled, then stopped herself. That saddened him, to see the wall she was still trying to keep between them. At least she’d not yet fought to get her arm back. He wasn’t holding on to it too tightly, just in case she tried exactly that. Kase wasn’t interested in making her feel like she was forced into close proximity with him. He was trying to do as Jerrik would hope—“woo her properly”.
It was a good thing he was a great actor, because on the inside he was terrified. His gaze constantly moved from side to side, watching their surroundings as they headed down the city streets. He needed to have an escape plan available to him in case he started to lose control and needed to get away from her quickly. Every alley, underground parking lot, and side street was catalogued in his brain.
“Here we are,” he said a few minutes later, reaching out and holding the door for her. This time it was just a single door and she was forced to go through it.
“Thank you,” she said, sounding almost genuine. He followed her in and the hostess sat them quickly. Almost as quickly, their server came by and took orders for drinks and promised to be back with some fresh bread.
“Fresh bread?” she asked him, practically drooling at the idea. “What are you trying to bribe me for? I’m supposed to be telling you to spend your money with me. What’s going on here?” She sat forward, looking him over inquisitively, long black hair falling over her shoulder until she pushed it back out of the way. Half of it just fell back. This time she left it.
Kase thought about beating around the bush, making more small talk and the like, but decided against it. Michelle was smart, and she hated when people didn’t talk straight with her.
“How have you been?” he asked, meeting her eyes at the same instant he asked the question.
The dark brown circles stared back at him, unwavering. “That’s not a business-related question.”
He tried to ignore the pain he saw behind her defenses, but also the sudden ache in his own chest at her point-blank refusal to answer.
“I know, but I’m asking it anyway,” he said forcefully. He needed to know if there was anyone else in her life.
“I’m not seeing anyone, since I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re getting at, and it’s going to stay that way. I have my work now, my research. That’s the important thing to me.”
He nodded. “I understand. I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”
“I do, but that’s not the only reason.” There was a slight softening of her gaze, her eyebrows lifting just a fraction of an inch.
She’d left him the opening, so he took it. “What do you mean?”
Michelle looked to the left and right before answering. “If we’re successful here and find a cure in time, we can save my father.”
Kase sat back heavily. “Michelle, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
She scoffed. “Of course you didn’t. You ran out on me almost five years ago. How could you know?”
He bit his lip, remembering that she didn’t know he’d kept tabs on her since then. Nothing too close, but enough that he should’ve known something like that. He should’ve been there for her.
And done what? Given her another burden to handle as you fought for your own sanity? Yeah, because that’s exactly what she needed right then, someone else to worry about, you idiot.
“He was diagnosed two years ago. He’s doing okay at the moment, but that’s why the research is important.”
Kase thought of her family, several hours distant. Of her mother, having to support her father through all of this, while Michelle poured herself into work, all with no results. Kase knew she should be spending more time with her father. He would have to find a way to help with that, so that she didn’t miss out on any time with him. She would regret that later, once he was gone.
“I see. I’m sorry.” What else was there to say, really?
“Anyway. You asked how I’ve been. The answer is busy. I work a lot, I see friends occasionally. I have a dog. His name is Maximus. I taught him to rip apart toys to the command of ‘Max, kill Kase!’”
“Bullshit,” he said, startling the server as they came back with drinks and the bread, as promised. “Sorry.”
The server just shrugged and left, possibly a little faster than normal.
“No, not bullshit,” she said, sipping on her water.
Kase tossed back a quarter of his beer. “Well then. Your dog is going to hate me.”
“Max and I have a lot in common.” She leaned back into her chair casually, as if saying that hadn’t affected her at all. For all he knew, it hadn’t.
“Hate is a strong word, don’t you think?” He took a careful sip.
Michelle lifted both eyebrows. “Really? Do you remember how things ended between us?”
He nodded. “Vividly. It was our fifth date. You’d only just kissed me after the fourth. We went out for dinner, casual. Then to see a band you really liked play at a local pub. We had a couple of drinks, but not many, so that we were both still aware of our surroundings. After the show we went out into the alley. I kissed you, and you asked me if I wanted to come back to your place.” His voice softened as he spoke, staring right into her eyes, remembering the evening well. “It was warm, but we stayed close to each other the entire way, until we got to your house. You unlocked the door and invited me in again.” He had started to lean forward now, sensing the mood returning.
“Let me tell you how it goes from here. Since you weren’t present,” she interjected. “I turned around and took off my shoes, waiting for you to follow me in. Except you never did. When I looked back, you were gone.” She looked at her water, likely wishing it was an alcoholic beverage by this point. “I ran outside, trying to find you, wondering if you’d spotted something wrong. There was no sign of you. I called your name. I rang your phone. Nothing. It was like you’d vanished into thin air.” She blinked once, then twice, then a few more times.
Kase was stunned to see that she was holding back tears.
“I went inside and waited for you for three hours, before I finally cried myself to sleep,” she said. “Do you have any idea what that did to me?”
It saved your life. If I’d kept courting you, you could’ve died the first time I lost control.
“I’ll tell you,” she continued. “It devastated me. Look at me, Kase.”
He did. Just like he had every time he saw pictures of her the past few years. Just like he had the day before, and today. Kase loved to stare at her. She was gorgeous. So full of life with a figure to match. He loved her softness and the curves of her body. They made him drool at the opportunity to explore them, to feel her luscious skin pressed up again him. It was an agony not to be able to feel that, but a necessary one. Why couldn’t she see that?
“You rejected me.”
“No,” he tried to say, but she wasn’t about to let him start speaking now.
“My self-esteem plummeted. I went on binge diets and tried to work out. You know why?”
He shook his head, feeling the impact of each of her sentences like a sword-thrust through his gut.
“Because you bailed on me, after I’d decided to open myself up to you. Have you any idea how much courage it takes to be with someone when you’re that insecure? When you feel you have so much to hide?”
He did know. Because he lacked it.
“I’m sorry I failed you,” he told her. “I…” He stopped. “Do you even want me to explain? Or should we just have lunch?”
Michelle thought that over. “Will you tell me the truth?”
He grimaced. “I won’t tell you any lies, but I cannot share everything with you. I want to, but I can’t. Not yet at least.”
She frowned. “That’s almost side-stepping the question.”
“I know, but it’s the best I can offer.”
“No lies?”
“None. I’ve never lied to you. Not once.”
“Just withheld information.”
He inclined his head in agreement. “Yes.”
Michelle finished her water, ordered a rum and Coke when the server came by, and stared at him for a solid two minutes before she spoke. “Okay.”
Kase pulled himself together. “I did not leave because I didn’t want you.” He opened with that line, said it forcefully and clearly, his eyes never wandering, never blinking, not even a twitch. She needed to know that. “I left because I couldn’t be with you. I needed to stay away.” He shook his head. “Never because I wanted to.”
Finally he broke the stare and downed the rest of his beer, unable to handle the hurt in his system. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
Michelle looked at some far part of the restaurant, lost in her own mind. “You couldn’t be with me, so you left me without saying anything. Right before we were about to have sex.”
“Yes.” His voice was hollow, ghostlike.
“Coward.”
Kase hung his head, having no rebuttal. She was right; it was cowardly of him. If he was stronger, he would have declined going back to her house, and just left her life at the end of the evening after dropping her off. Instead, he’d fought himself the entire way back, bolting at the end when he had the final chance. Like she’d said. He was a coward.
At that point, the server returned with her drink, took their food orders, and then left again.
“You make it sound like there were other circumstances that made you have to leave.”
“There were.” Are.
“Have they been resolved? Is that why you’re back now? Hoping to get a second chance?”
“Something like that,” he admitted with a heavy sigh. “It’s complicated, and—”
“You can’t tell me,” she muttered. “Right. Well, it’s a good thing lunch is on you.” She downed the drink and signaled to their server for another. “Because I’m gonna need a few of these.”
“Have as many as you feel like. I won’t judge you.”
“You’d better not.” She waited until she had another in her hand to speak again. “None of this was because you didn’t want to sleep with me?”
He snorted. “Are you kidding? I wanted to do that from the moment I laid my eyes on you. I never stopped thinking about you. I jerked off so many times during the two weeks we were seeing each other just in an effort to be able to act normal around you.” Kase stopped abruptly. “I’m sorry, that was too much.”
To his surprise, she was giggling. “Really? You’re not screwing with me.”
“Michelle,” he said solemnly. “I do a lot of dumb things. I’m not a good person. But one thing I haven’t, and will never do, is lie to you. Ever.”
Her lips compressed into a flat line as she thought his statement over. “Did you jerk off to thoughts of me?”
He flushed, looking down, wondering why he hadn’t ordered a refill of his beer yet. “Dirty, dirty thoughts of you that I’m almost ashamed to admit,” he confessed at last.
The mood was changing between them. He wasn’t sure why—maybe it was the winds of fate working in favor of them mating, or maybe it was Michelle playing the part to get back at him. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care, as long as she was happy, even if it came at his expense in the end. He certainly deserved it.
“Really? Just how dirty?”
He shot her a glance. “Not suitable for public discussion.”
She grinned. “I can wait until post-lunch if they’re that good.”
I hope you’re happy, Jerrik.