The next day Jax slept in. He must have been tired, worn out and dejected over the situation with his brother. Layne woke up before him, knowing that what was going on with Jonathan was very important. If he was in trouble out in the wilderness, it would be time sensitive and if they didn't reach them soon, he could die. She was reluctant to leave the little dwelling where they had begun to make a life for themselves. She would have preferred to go out with him to look for Jonathan, but Jax didn't want to give it up either.
And so she set to work putting together a bag of rations. She packed up one of the sturdy rucksacks with the supplies she thought he might need. Long thermal underwear that they had found in the cabin, a heavy coat and two changes of clothes. A compass and several ways to create fire, including matches and flint and steel. His thermos and her water bottle. She wouldn't be needing it if she was staying at the cabin, and his chances of survival were twice as good that way. Several pairs of socks. A note she wrote to him for him to find when he was quiet and alone, missing her and their little home.
She was terrified that something might happen to him and remembered why she had grown reluctant to get close to other people to begin with. There was no guarantee that they would stick around for the long haul, and all she really knew was that she had herself. It was impossible to determine how long another person might stay in her life and, whether they left by choice or through death, the fact remained that she would never truly be able to tell and that was terrifying. She didn't want to be abandoned, but ultimately, that was what happened. And she was starting to feel abandoned now.
It was silly, because he hadn't even left her yet, and Jax was one of the most capable people she had ever met in her life. That was probably the only reason she wasn't insisting with all her heart and soul to aid him in the journey. She was more afraid that she would be a burden than a blessing on a journey this important to him, and something inside her knew that it would be best to stay put. She wasn't sure why, but that was the overall feeling that she had about it.
As Jax began to stir, she hardened herself to the reality. He was going to go out alone and she had to make sure he felt like it was okay. She couldn't have him abandoning his goal or needlessly risking his life – or hers – just because she would miss him for a little while. She had to believe that he would be back and he would have closure about what happened to his brother. Nothing bad would happen to him – at least… probably not. And she had to pretend that she was okay with being left alone to fend for herself and to protect their little home.
Jax was still naked when he walked out of the bedroom and she took in the beautiful sight of his body with an aching heart. She couldn't imagine waking up alone without seeing his face or having the chance to touch him any time she felt like it. That thought was terrifying, especially not knowing if he would ever be back. She knew she had to trust in the greater good, and resolved to keep herself strong as Jax slipped from the doorway to her side, looking from her to the bag in confusion.
She knew that the decision had been stressing him out and so she had decided to act for herself so he wouldn't have to worry about it any longer. She would just have to give him her blessing and hope that it worked out for the best.
“What's all this?" he asked.
“I packed a bag for you. You can add anything you want. I already made a list of what's in there so you won't have to unpack it. I figured it would save you some time.”
“Wow. I don't know what to say,” he said, grimacing. It was clear that he was reluctant to leave the warmth of their home, but what choice did he have? “Thank you. I guess the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back. Or maybe we.”
“Yeah,” she said, smiling through her pain. He noticed that her happiness wasn't sincere and he frowned.
“Would you be all right if I brought Jonathan back here with me?” he asked, walking to the closet in search of clean clothes to dress.
“Of course,” she whispered, laughing through her tears. They had been threatening to spill over all morning, and now they were falling down her cheeks, leaving her vulnerable and broken for the first time since they'd met. Jax rushed across the room and scooped her up in his strong arms, and she allowed herself to sob against him, gripping him tightly.
All that time she had been alone. She'd fooled herself into thinking that it was okay, that it was what she wanted. But the reality was that she had been so lonely; had needed to trust and love someone else so badly. And then she'd found Jax, and now he was leaving into the dangerous world they'd worked so hard to survive in and find a way out of. She wasn't sure if she would be able to make it.
“It's going to be all right,” Jax promised. “You'll see. It probably won't be any longer than a couple of weeks. I'll go fast. Maybe find a bike to fix up to make it go faster. I promise, if I see one I will.”
“If you do, keep your eyes open,” she said miserably against his shoulder. The bikes were sometimes more dangerous than being on foot. She felt him nod and groaned. She hated goodbyes. Even before the virus hit, they'd felt far too formal, like a looming threat of finality. Now, after the virus, every goodbye seemed eternal.
“I'm not going to be gone forever,” he said, as if he were able to read her thoughts. He pressed her against his body, kissing her sweet, rose scented hair. The chemist in her had been clever enough to use the rose petals from the bushes outside the cabin in a hair rinse that she'd mixed herself, and she always managed to smell intoxicating to him. He couldn't believe he was doing this. How could he leave someone who meant everything to him?
“It's just that...” she broke down, unable to finish her thought. She didn't know how.
“It's all right,” he soothed her. “I know.”
They hugged for a little while, until Layne's sobbing quieted down. When he pulled away, she saw that even his dark eyes were watering. This sobered her up. If he felt too bad about leaving he would resent her, or worse, want to stay and miss his chance to find his brother. She had to be strong. For both of them. She would keep the homestead safe, continue growing and storing food and curing meat for jerky and long term use, and Jax would find his brother and come back with him – or at least find out what happened. It would be all right.
“Hey...” she said, not wanting to bring up the subject of whether or not his brother was dead but sure that it was a possibility and one they needed to account for. “If it turns out he's been gone too long... you know...and you find yourself losing places to look...come home, all right? I need you here. And we can figure out what to do from there together.”
Jax darkened at the thought, but nodded seriously.
“If it seems like a dead end, I'll come back. Maybe give myself a week or two to find closure about it, but no longer.”
“That's fair,” Layne said stiffly. A week or two sounded like an eternity. And just how long was it going to take for him to get to Al's settlement?
“Look,” he said, pulling her into another tight hug. “I won't be gone any longer than I have to be. I promise. If my dipshit brother has taken off again, I'll find him eventually. It doesn't have to be during the winter with my wi – with you here.”
Layne smiled warmly. Jax had nearly called her his wife. Of course, there weren't many people around to enforce the biblical view of marriage, not in the sense that they had before the virus struck. Marriage was another old concept, but she knew she felt closer to Jax than she had ever felt, or would ever feel, to anyone else. If marriage were an official option, she would have married him in a heartbeat.
She looked over at him and felt herself panic, seeing that he was pulling on his clothes, stuffing his hands in his coat pocket to make sure his utility knife was still there. In old times, he would have been checking for a wallet. Cash and driver's license. Keys to their little abode. Oh, keys!
“Here,” she said, running to the small table by the door and thrusting the keys at him. He looked at them uncertainly.
“Don't you need these?” he said, frowning. “To lock up while you’re tending to the garden?”
“That's ridiculous,” she said. “I just need to lock it from the inside while I'm sleeping. I'm going to be fine, I've been doing this survival shit as long as you have. Why do you think I'm still around?”
He pulled her close to him, kissing her forehead and brow, down her cheeks, to her ears.
“Because you're brilliant and talented and too gorgeous for the Earth to lose,” he said between kisses. She melted in his arms, forcing herself not to think about how long it might be before she felt his body against her again; heard his voice, his sweet compliments and temptations.
“Well, whatever the reason, I've made it this long and you don't have to worry about me. I'm not just some idiot bimbo. I have a huge shot at making it through just about anything. And still find a way to get buzzed.” She grinned, referencing her beer making talents, and Jax laughed. She'd packed him two bottles; one for sipping and another to trade just in case he needed anything. She left a note on them, covered it in secret kisses so whenever he touched it, she would be near him.
“All right, I know you're too amazing for this world, but please tell me more,” he teased.
“It's all right. The sooner you get out of here the sooner you can get back and hear all about my many talents.”
“I'm sure it will be riveting,” he said, his dark eyes sparkling. His eyes were the funniest thing, Layne thought. Sometimes they seemed black as night and other times, clear and bright as day. They were flecked with so many different colors, and they so changed frequently with his mood and the lighting that she didn't know what color would have been listed on his state license – back when he would have one. What did he consider his eye color to be?
This suddenly seemed a burning and important question; something she had to ask him before he left. She gripped his hand hard and he drew his eyebrows.
“What's wrong?” he asked, pulling the rucksack over his shoulder.
She wanted to ask him, to know more than anything. It was such a small, stupid thing, and if he never came back, she would always wonder...but no, she couldn't think like that. He would be back. She would save the silly question.
“I'm going to miss you,” she said with a heavy sigh. “But I'm so happy that you have a chance to find your brother.”
Layne smiled bravely at him, her beautiful face shining with pain and the deepest of love.
“You won't have to miss me for long,” he said with a reassuring smile. “A month at most and then I'll be here. You won't even remember I was ever gone.”
They kissed tenderly, and with that, he was out the door.