Chapter Nine
Dominic
It hurt.
That was the only thing I could think as I prepared to head on to set the day it happened. That it hurt.
Not any of the work I’d done in the last few days, even though I had been throwing myself head-first into everything that I’d promised myself I wouldn’t anymore – most of the stunts I’d taken on should have been stuff left to the younger kids, to the kind of people who could take that kind of punishment. Even at just a few years older than them, I could feel bones creaking and muscles crying out for a little bit of care and attention that didn’t involve, say, diving off the top of fifteen-foot platform and on to a pathetically thin mat below. But it was keeping my mind off Tennessee, and that was all that mattered to me.
I couldn’t believe it had finally happened between us. I had been so sure that was it. That finally, she had accepted that we were meant to be together, that whatever was between us needed exploring. After that kiss on set, we had had some of the best sex I’d had with anyone in years. It had been so long since we’d been together that way, and it was better than I’d ever remembered it being. Maybe we’d just had more practice since the last time, or maybe it was because we’d had to wait so long to give in to those feelings for each other, but it had been beyond anything I could even have imagined. I had fucked her in that trailer, watched her face contort and give in, watched her body shudder as she took me, and had been sure that we were back together. And then… she had just walked out. Before I had so much as a chance to make a case for why she should have given me an opportunity to make things up to her. To show how I had changed. Would I always be making up for what I had done? I had changed so much since then, but she wasn’t interested in giving me a chance to show it. I understood why, but it was killing me knowing that I had hurt her so much that she would truly never give me a chance to fix what I had broken.
“Dom, you ready?”
The voice came from outside, snapping me out of my stupid little head-space and back to reality once more.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I headed outside to start my shoot for the day. It was early in the morning, the sun having just risen, and it felt like a chance at a new start. Nothing bad happened this early in the morning. At least, that’s what I told myself.
It was going to be a tough take. I knew that. That’s why I wanted to do it; the only way I could force Tennessee out of my head for the time being was to fill it with the fear and adrenalin and excitement that came with doing a stunt this difficult. I would be diving from the top of a building, the kind of stunt that usually wouldn’t be actually that dangerous, but they needed a good few seconds of footage to apply some voice-over too. I had offered to go from the top of the set without a harness on, to make it look a little more realistic. I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.
I headed down to the set, and found the assistant director tapping her foot and waiting for me with an irritated look on her face. Her boss was out of town for the moment, schmoozing up a distributor with the stars, and I could tell that stepping up to take control of everything was getting to her. The crew was getting angsty with the not-knowing where this movie was going to end up. I knew how they felt. I felt as though there were bugs beneath my skin, like I couldn’t sit still or something I didn’t want to would catch up with me.
Tennessee wasn’t on set today. She had been avoiding me pointedly since we’d hooked up a few days before and I had missed the hell out of her. Couldn’t we just be friends? I had gone over and over it in my head, the ways I could keep her in my life and make it so she didn’t feel pressured to be with me romantically. But I knew there was no way I could do that. Because I would always want more from her, I would always want something she couldn’t give me. I couldn’t ask her to overlook that, to pretend that I still didn’t feel as strongly for her as I ever did.
If I could just turn back time. As I stepped up onto set those thoughts punched into my head once more. I couldn’t shake them. If I could go back, I would have caught myself while she was sleeping and I was about to get out that door, and told myself to turn the hell back around and go back to the woman lying in my bed. Because that job that I was leaving to, that career that I had carved out for myself, none of it was anything compared to what I had with her.
“You need help over there?” One of the stunt coordinators stepped towards me, and I shook my head. I was the only person I trusted right now.
“I’m good,” I replied, turning my back on him. I didn’t want help from him. I didn’t want it from anyone. I just wanted Tennessee. Her name was pulsing around my head over and over again, the only thing I could think of, the only thing that mattered. And she hated me, and she would never give me another chance, and this shoot would be done soon and I would never have a chance to see her again. She would be done with me for good. And that would be it.
I scaled the scaffolding that had been set up, and tipped my head back and looked at the ceiling of the set; this place usually felt so big and full of possibility. But now, when I was high up and so close to the top of this enormous place, it felt small. Restrictive. I took a deep breath, and looked down; it was a long way to fall, even with the thick mats laid out below. There was even an EMT standing by, just in case something went wrong. Though if it did, I’d be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Maybe that’s what I wanted. Maybe it would have been for the best. I looked down at the crew below, at the assistant director sitting behind a monitor and looking as though she hadn’t managed to catch a rest in days. I knew how she felt. I had been lying awake at night a lot, staring at the wall and going through in my head all the things I could have done to change what was going on between us. I had started to feel a little spaced-out during the day, such was the amount of sleep I was getting. I stared down at the assistant director, waiting for her to give me the go ahead, my brain only half-engaged. I just wanted to get this done and then retreat back to my apartment and get some sleep. I tapped my foot on the edge of the building facade and waited for the sign to jump. How many times had I been here, about to do something crazy-dangerous in the hopes of getting hired the next time around, or making the shot a little touch more realistic, or hell, just finding some way to feel alive for a split second? I couldn’t keep doing this forever, couldn’t constantly use this as an excuse to run from the things I needed to face up to.
Grow up? Maybe. Finally. But not this time. The director gave me the hand signal to go for it, and I waited for a second to make sure the camera was rolling before I jumped. And then, blinking a couple of times and ignoring the familiar surge of fear in my chest that bubbled up whenever I took on a stunt this dangerous, I tipped myself over the edge and started falling.