Chapter Eighteen
FEAR. THAT’S WHAT Hunter saw in Jana’s eyes as he waited for her to respond. Every silent second felt like an eternity. He didn’t dare rush her, for fear of her running away. He’d been a runner, too, but he was done with that, and he hoped to crack her walls enough that she’d consider being done, too.
“You’re so sure of it all…” Jana said so quietly he almost didn’t hear her. “It’s like you have all the answers.”
Love isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about not caring if you don’t, because what happiness really comes down to is knowing that you don’t need answers if your heart is full of the person you cherish most. As his mother’s words came back to him, the ache of missing her settled into Hunter’s bones. He thought about her often and missed the comfort of knowing she would always smile when she saw him, no matter what he’d done the night before. She’d open her arms and wrap him in unconditional love, and he’d probably soaked that up more than he’d deserved. Now it was his mother’s words that confirmed what his heart had already known.
“I don’t have all the answers. But I have the only one I need.” Hunter wasn’t good at deciphering Jana’s silence. He knew she wasn’t going to commit to him easily. She wouldn’t even tell him she wanted him when they were naked and it was written in the blush on her skin.
A warning voice whispered through his mind, reminding him that he was laying his heart out for her to step on. Jana wasn’t a dainty stepper. That smart mouth of hers knew how to trample. But he’d come this far. He wasn’t about to be deterred.
“Maybe I’m reading us wrong,” he finally said. “Maybe you don’t want me the way I thought you did, but it doesn’t change what I feel for you.”
Jana tugged on a lock of hair. Her face clouded with uneasiness, and he feared he’d pushed too hard.
“I…” she stammered, and a second later she found her voice. “I haven’t been with anyone else either, in several months.”
He couldn’t stop the smile tugging at his lips as relief nearly bowled him over.
She took a tentative step closer, and her vulnerability made his knees weak. With her bare feet, the top of her head didn’t even reach his chin, making her seem even smaller and more fragile.
She gazed up at him with a mixture of hope and worry in her beautiful eyes. “What if we don’t work?”
“What if we do?” he countered.
A soft laugh escaped her lips, and it was a magnificent sound.
“I’m being serious, Hunter. We’re good at…hookups. What if we aren’t good at something more?”
“Then we go back to hooking up.” How else could he answer? He didn’t believe they wouldn’t be good together, but he didn’t want the idea of their not being a them in her head.
“So, what exactly is it that you want from me?”
He arched a brow, biting back sexual innuendos. She laughed, and it shot straight to his heart.
“You’re impossible,” she said. “You know what I mean.”
“I want to spend today together. I want to talk about your studio.” If he wanted this to work—and man, did he ever—it was time for him to come clean and let her know what he already knew.
“When Sky dropped off your purse, she told me that you didn’t get the space at Seaside. I want to talk about that, and other things.” It was no wonder she’d dressed and acted like she had last night. She must have been heartbroken when she found out she had lost the space at Seaside, and if there was one thing he knew about Jana, it was that emotions scared her.
She nodded. “And this?” She waved her finger between them. “What do you want with regard to us?”
He didn’t hesitate as he pulled her against him—hoping she wouldn’t pull away and not spend the day with him. “I want there to be an us. A commitment. You see only me, and I’ll see only you.”
She rolled her eyes, but he knew it was a defense mechanism. “You want to win. To hear me say I want you.”
Of course he wanted to hear that. What man wouldn’t? What she didn’t realize was that winning, to Hunter, meant having Jana all to himself.
“No. You don’t have to tell me you want me. Just tell me you’ll only be with me.”
She laughed at that and quickly trapped her lower lip between her teeth. Her brows knitted. “Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
“You’re a pain. Okay, fine. I’ll only be with you, but we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, and I can’t promise—”
He pressed his lips to hers and lifted her off her feet and deepened the kiss. With kisses like this, how could she ever deny that they were so much more than a hookup?
“I can’t,” she said between kisses, “change, Hunter.” He kissed her again, and she pushed his mouth away. “I’m selfish. My life is crazy. I’m not good at commitments, and I’m not sure you are either.”
He huffed in annoyance, lifting her higher and guiding her legs around his waist. “You’re also a stubborn pain in the butt, but I’m pretty sure I know what I’m getting into. Now shut up and kiss me.”
Hunter carried her inside and debated carrying her straight into the bedroom to show her just how much he wanted this to work, but he knew they’d never get any more talking done if he did. They had one day without distractions, and he intended to take full advantage of the time and show Jana just how right they were for each other.
JANA WATCHED HUNTER as he read through her lists and the notes she’d taken about opening a studio. His confession had left her reeling and feeling a little overwhelmed, and they’d sat on the couch and talked for a long time about things that weren’t as scary, like how she’d ended up in that tight dress and spiky heels. He’d laughed when she’d admitted that while onstage, she’d been pretending she really was Taylor Swift. She’d told him about crying when she’d heard that she didn’t get the space at Seaside and how she’d been taken by surprise by her tears. He’d told her that those tears should have been her first eye opener about how much the studio actually meant to her. And he’d held her when tears threatened again with her confession, and he’d whispered, I wish I could have been there to help you feel better. He offered comfort without judgment. He was the one person she thought she never wanted to see her weaknesses, and somehow, when he did, he made her feel stronger for it.
They’d picked up her car from Seaside and spent all afternoon talking. They’d talked about his mom and how much he missed her. He’d shared his heartache over his father’s alcoholism, and she’d seen the relief of having his father whole again written all over his face. She realized how he must have felt, seeing her that drunk. Not just last night, but most of the times they’d hooked up, and she realized she’d been using alcohol as an escape, too, and it was time to stop.
Now, as she watched him reading over her notes, she was filled with emotion for the man who probably should have run from her, and instead, he’d not only opened himself up, but he was helping her slow down and do the same.
She’d expected him to skim her notes, at best, but he really seemed to care. He was concentrating, pointing to words, then looking away, as if he were thinking about what he’d read.
He closed the notebook and placed his hand over the top of it. “You’ve done your homework.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe Marco will come back and things will be better.” She reached for the notebook, but he wouldn’t let it go.
“Since when are you a quitter?” he said harshly.
She was baffled by his swift attitude change. “I’m not a quitter.” She yanked the notebook from his hands. Would they always bump heads, even after such a nice few hours?
He scoffed. “You must not have wanted your own studio very badly, then.”
“I just told you that I cried because I wanted it so badly, and you know I don’t cry. I scream and yell, but I never cry,” she challenged. “Having my own studio would mean that I could go back to doing theater. I could make my own hours, my own decisions. Geez, Hunter.” She shifted her eyes away, annoyed at herself for snapping at him.
“Then why are you giving up? Just because you lost one space that was handed to you? Let’s get out there and find you another space.”
“Oh, like it’s that easy?” She rolled her eyes.
“Nothing worth anything is easy. I mean, look at you.” His smile told her he was only half kidding, but he was right. Jana knew she was anything but easy. “Lucky for you, maybe it can be easier for you than for most people. You can use our empty building out on Route 6.”
“I am not using your space.” She got up and paced the living room.
“Why not?”
“Because we’re involved. Mixing business and pleasure is never a good idea.”
“Jana, it’s in the perfect location, with plenty of parking, no retail neighbors to complain about loud music or whatever other concerns you might have, and it’s mine, which means you can use it without worrying about a rotten landlord.”
“No.” She continued pacing. “It complicates things too much.”
He rose to his feet and blocked her path, anger rolling off of him in waves.
“When will you step out of your own stubborn way? Open your eyes and take what’s being offered. Everything you want is right here in front of you.”
She flinched at the tone of his voice and wondered if he meant him or the space he was offering. “It’s not a good idea.”
“You made it very clear that we’re not girlfriend and boyfriend, and I can deal with that, but, Jana…” He pulled her in close again—he was always pulling her in close lately, and not just for sex, but making her feel special and important. Like she was the only thing that mattered and he wanted to keep her safe. She wasn’t used to that.
The tension in him eased as their bodies came together. “Baby, what I’m offering has nothing to do with sex, or us, or commitments. It has to do with you achieving your dreams.”
She wanted to trust that he was telling her the truth, but she was still reeling from how much had changed between them—and inside her—in the past few hours. She didn’t fully trust it. They were both committing to something they’d fought forever. But not really. She honestly hadn’t even tried to pick up a man in six months, and she’d only slept with Hunter. Whether she’d acknowledged it to herself or not before she was forced to, it was the truth.
“So, your offer has absolutely nothing to do with control?” she asked. “Or wanting to keep me under your thumb?”
He pushed away. “No. Is that what you think?” He fisted his hands and walked around the couch.
She wondered if he was going to walk right out the door, and the thought brought a rise of renewed panic. She was messing everything up between them, and she didn’t want to mess them up; she just needed to slow them down. Or maybe it was her life she needed to slow down.
Thankfully, Hunter didn’t head for the door. He went into the kitchen and leaned against the counter with his back to her. She had pushed him away so hard, so many times, and he never ran away. She took a step closer to where he stood and stopped when he turned around, his gorgeous dark eyes laden with defeat.
“Jana, I know I’m aggressive, and I get why you’d think I want to control things, but can’t you see I’m trying here? I may be a jerk sometimes, but I’d never try to control you. You’re like a wild horse. You can’t be tamed or chained.”
He searched her eyes as he had earlier, and this time she was sure he saw her heart opening up to him, because she couldn’t stop it if she tried. No one had ever seen her so clearly before, understood what she’d felt like her whole life. There was so much she wanted to do—boxing, dancing, theater…him.
“That’s one of your most alluring qualities.” He smiled, shook his head. “Believe it or not, I like who you are, and I don’t want to change you. I just want to be with you. To experience life with you and see you happy. When you talk about opening your own studio, your entire face lights up, and I’d hate to see you give that up so easily. Especially when easy isn’t any part of who you are.”
The sincerity in his voice was too genuine to deny. He really was interested in helping her, walking beside her, not carrying her. And at a time when he could have told her she was easy to get in bed, he didn’t take that half-teasing stab. He’d somehow made her feel stronger again, and that overwhelmed her, softened her toward him even more.
“You are probably the only person who sees me for who I really am, and…” Her feelings for him warred with the fear of somehow hurting him—or herself. “I appreciate that more than you can know. And I love that you want to be with me, not control me. But can I think about it? See the space?” she asked as she came around the couch and joined him.
“Of course.” He didn’t look mad, just resigned, like he knew she’d need time.
“Shouldn’t you talk to Grayson about it first?” She reached for his hand, and this time when he pulled her in close, she wrapped her arms around him and soaked in the comfort he offered. “I’m sorry. Everything is changing so fast. You’re so sure of it all, and it’s just going to take me some time.”
“To trust me.”
It wasn’t a question, but she realized he only understood part of what she was saying. It was also about trusting herself not to hurt him.
“To trust both of us. To trust the changes we’re talking about. I’m sorry.”
He drew back and lifted her chin, gazing into her eyes with a look that told her that everything had changed. Gone was the competition, the games, replaced with something real. Replaced with more.
She felt panic rising in her chest, and this time it was easier to push it back down.
“Don’t ever apologize for being careful. We both have pasts, and they’re not pretty. They’re too much for most people to even try to understand. But you and me? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We’re so similar. We’re both stubborn, controlling, passionate. I want to cross this line with you. I want to build trust, but it goes both ways. We’ll argue, and we might take seven steps back for every one we take forward, and that’s okay.”
You really do get me.
Maybe they could do this.
“Regardless of whether you tell me tomorrow that you made a mistake and we can’t be together or not, the space I’m offering you stands. No strings attached. I’ll talk to Gray, but he won’t mind.” He smiled and said, “You know where it is, right? Prime location. Right on Route 6 across the street from the Dunkin’ Donuts, with plenty of parking. It’s unfinished, and we can build it out however you’d like.”
He held up their laced hands before lowering his lips to hers, sealing his hopes with a kiss and igniting hers.