PENNY.
Penny was anxious about seeing Andy. He’d texted her after asking her out but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to date him—that much she knew—but she realized that for the past week she’d been looking forward to class with nervous anticipation because he’d admitted to liking her. It was on the record and everything. She chose an extra-clean pair of black leggings and showed up ten minutes early.
He came in just before the bell and sat in the seat in front of her. Penny noticed he needed a haircut. A five-o’clock shadow crept south on his tanned neck. He was dressed in a white sweatshirt and matching white sweats and sneakers, and Penny couldn’t believe how pristine it all was. He practically shone.
Penny thought about how next year she might never see him again and how future-her would be pissed off at present-day her for screwing the pooch right now.
She squinted forcefully at the back of Andy’s neck. It was a good neck. His shoulders were killer too. Muscly but nothing that said vain or obsessive. As if he could sense her attention boring a hole at the base of his skull, Andy suddenly turned around.
Shit.
Penny bared her teeth in a rigid smile to indicate everything was perfectly fine. He turned back around and texted her.
Wait for me after class.
“Okay, Penny, am I making things bizarre or is it you?” They were standing on the edge of the quad lawn, though not far enough in that Andy would stain his shoes on the grass. “It’s probably you,” he said.
“It’s probably me,” Penny agreed, and suddenly needed a nap. It was astounding the ways in which her body reacted to confrontation.
“It’s not that big a deal, you know.” Andy pulled a matte black cylinder out of his book bag, twisted the top off, and out slid a pair of sunglasses. He put them on. Penny was immediately struck by the competitive advantage of people not being able to see your eyes in a fight. Not that this was a fight. Or maybe it was. Penny had no idea. She made an awning with her hands and squinted up at him.
“Okay, so what’s the protocol now?” she asked.
“Protocol?” Andy laughed. “Well, I think we still hold value for each other in our roles as cronies. Colleagues. Writerly peers.”
This was news to Penny. Positive news.
“So we can still collaborate and talk about work?”
He nodded. Penny was elated. “Because I need your help on act two,” she said. “It’s a mess logistically and there are certain inconsistencies I can’t reconcile, and I made a spreadsheet the way you told me except then I read this thing about how your narrative should be a snowflake and I’m not that good at math.”
“Ugh, loser. Okay, send it to me,” he said. “I’ll have it back to you by the weekend, but you have to help me with my dialogue. I’m holding your pages hostage until you get mine back.”
Penny duffed him on the arm as she imagined a pal would. “I love the protocol!” she said.
“Great,” he said, socking her back lightly. “This is probably for the best anyway. You’re so strange.”
Penny practically skipped home.
When she got back to her room from class, she was stoked to find Jude reading a magazine and eating goldfish.
“Suup, slut,” she said before turning back to flip through the pages.
“Do you want to go do something?” Penny said, sitting on Jude’s bed. Penny was still high from her talk with Andy. She was batting a thousand when it came to friendship. “I’ll drive.”
Jude studied her face. “Really?”
Penny nodded and smiled wide.
“What, did you and your secret boyfriend break up or something?” asked Jude.
Penny kept her smile in place and barreled on. “Going once, going twice . . . ,” she said.
“Just kidding, yes.” Jude sprang into action and tossed her magazine aside. “I’m dying of boredom and have to read The Communist Manifesto by tomorrow and yeah, no. Why isn’t there an animated movie version?”
Penny shrugged.
“We gotta get Mal too,” she said.
They swung by Twombly. “Where are we going?” asked Mallory, jumping in the back. It was such a new dynamic, to have Penny in charge of the night for once.
“I want to see the ocean,” Penny announced.
“Yay!” the girls chorused. Penny felt as if she could’ve suggested anything from the zoo to the airport and they would’ve been game.
The closest beach was three and a half hours away, but Penny was hell-bent on making it to Galveston in under three. Jude was responsible for the music and directions. Mallory was responsible for making them stop every half hour so she could pee. The girl had the smallest bladder in the world.
“Penny, I haven’t seen you in one thousand years.” Mallory handed her a Red Vine. The only benefit to stopping every thirty miles was the snack haul remained bountiful. “That party was so fun.”
“Yeah,” said Jude. “Speaking of which, what’s up with Andy? He’s so hot.”
By dusk they’d made it to the halfway point, where there was a glowing power plant up ahead. It was beautiful, like a space station on the cover of a sci-fi paperback from the seventies.
“Seriously, what or who have you been doing?” Mallory poked Penny’s cheek with the wet end of her Vine.
“Stop,” yawped Penny. Mallory cackled. “Nothing. And yeah, Andy’s great. He’s helping me with my project.”
“I wish he’d help me with my project,” retorted Jude, and they laughed.
“I’m up to my eyeballs in homework and ignoring my mother,” said Penny. “Same as everyone.”
“Oh!” said Jude, swatting Penny’s arm. “Your mom friend requested me on Facebook.”
“Shut up.” Penny groaned.
“Yuck!” exclaimed Mallory. “That’s such a violation. You didn’t accept, did you?”
“No,” said Jude. “I mean, Celeste is adorable but, yeah, no way. Obvious violation. She did it literally the night we hung out.”
Penny felt her cheeks redden. “Did I tell you she sent Mark, as in my ex-boyfriend Mark, a message after we broke up?”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!”
“Not only that.” Penny got worked up again. “But she went on a full lurk and told me he was dating someone new. Why would you tell your daughter that?”
“That’s egregious,” Mallory confirmed.
Jude patted her shoulder in sympathy. “Completely egregious.”
“I mean, your mom’s cool, but sometimes I can’t tell if a cool mom is better than a completely out-of-touch Stepford Wife mom like mine,” said Jude. “At least Nicole isn’t thirsty.”
“Well, she’s obviously not hungry,” agreed Mallory. “I’m pretty sure the only food Nicole eats is Ativan.”
“I love my mom.” Mallory rummaged in her shopping bag for a bottle of Big Red. “She’s completely out to lunch, like all moms. I don’t know, though. At some point in high school we became friends. The thing is, P, you can’t ignore them.”
Penny couldn’t believe that the craziest girl in the car probably had the healthiest relationship with her mother.
“Moms are like cows,” Mallory said. Jude shot a glance at Penny. This was going to be good. “You’ve got to milk them or they lose their minds.”
Mallory leaned into the front of the car so the girls could feel the full weight of her wise words.
“They’re shoplifting teens,” she pressed.
“Wait, I thought they were cows,” Jude said. Penny couldn’t meet her eyes for fear of a giggle fit.
“They’re both. However, they’re more shoplifting teens because it’s not about the intention. It’s about the at-tention.”
That did Jude in. She cackled boisterously.
“What are you talking about?”
“Wait, I actually think I know what you’re getting at, Mal,” said Penny. “You’re saying that ignoring my mom isn’t the right way to go because her cow milk or need for attention or whatever gets insane and she’ll burst or do something stupid. But if I pay consistent attention to her, she’ll chill the F out.”
“Exactly,” said Mallory, leaning back into her seat satisfied.
There were worse theories.
“But what if your mom is the most annoying human in the universe?” asked Penny.
“Dude.” Jude knew the answer to this one. “Every mom is the most annoying human in the universe, but most of them, besides the super-abusive genuinely bad ones, are in your corner.”
“You know what I do that helps?” Apparently Mallory wasn’t done dispensing gems. “I imagine how my mom would feel if she could overhear the mean shit I said about her. It makes me say way less mean shit, which makes me think way less mean shit. It works.”
Penny’s heart sank. It would destroy Celeste to know how she felt about her and what she’d been keeping from her. Pushing her away was Penny’s way of protecting her. Of protecting them both.
“Okay,” said Mallory, interrupting her thoughts. “Enough about moms. We’re going to play a game. We’re going to go around in a circle and ask questions and answer them truthfully.”
“So, truth or truth?” asked Penny.
“Yeah,” said Jude. “Although I already know everything about Mal because she and I are the oversharing queens of the universe.”
“How very dare you!” said Mallory in mock outrage. “Though in the spirit of full disclosure: Everyone may as well know that I have a UTI and am drinking boatloads of cranberry juice because of the sheer volume of sex I had this past week. Hence my current rate of peeing.”
“Wait, I thought Ben left,” said Jude.
“He did,” replied Mallory. “That’s why it’s a particularly sordid truth.”
“J’accuse!” exclaimed Jude.
“Okay, me first,” said Jude, flipping on the dome light so the car resembled an interrogation room. “Penny,” she boomed in a TV-announcer voice, “did you or did you not recently sleep with someone who is responsible for giving you that radiant, highly irritating glow?”
That was easy. “No,” she said.
“I’m dubious,” said Mallory. Penny glanced at Mallory in the rearview.
“I’m a bad liar,” Penny told her.
“That’s true,” confirmed Jude. “And it’s not Andy?”
Penny smiled.
“It is Andy!” Jude swatted her arm.
Penny wiped the grin off her face. “It isn’t. I promise!”
“My turn,” said Mallory.
“Wait, isn’t it my turn?” asked Penny. She wondered if this was a thinly veiled attempt to ask her a series of deeply invasive questions.
“You’ll go right after,” said Mallory. “Besides, this question is for Jude.”
“I’m ready,” said Jude, turning to her bestie.
“In a parallel universe in which the practice wasn’t frowned upon and utterly Appalachian, would you or would you not have sex with Uncle Sam?”
Penny’s stomach lurched.
“Eeeeeeeeew,” screamed Jude. “Mallory, why are you such a perv?”
“I take it that’s a no?” said Mallory, grinning evilly.
“No!” said Jude.
“I’m sorry,” said Mallory, still smiling. “I just couldn’t stop leching on him this morning. He was making matcha with this little whisk and he looked so deliciously annoyed. You do acknowledge that he’s hot though, like, objectively?” asked Mallory. “Because I would bang the ever-living shit out of him if he’d give me the time of day.”
Mal cracked open a bag of chips.
“Back me up, Penny. Sam’s hot,” said Mallory in between crunches.
“He’s a type,” Penny agreed. “Great hair.”
“Ew, no, guys,” said Jude. “And, Mal, don’t forget you’re promise-bound on pain of death, no banging.”
“I know,” said Mal. “This is a hypothetical.”
“Also, come on. I know he’s technically not my uncle anymore, but I think of him as a brother. You wouldn’t be allowed to bang my brother either, Mallory. You’d demolish him.”
Mallory sighed. “It’s true, I am a man-eater.”
“Okay, my turn,” said Penny, desperate to change the subject. “You guys are going to make fun of me.”
“Probably,” said Jude, reaching back to grab Mallory’s chips. She offered some to Penny, who shook her head. She felt as though she was constantly telling her no.
“Why do you guys want to know anything about me?” she asked.
The car went silent. And then Mallory started laughing. Jude joined in.
“How are you so awkward?” asked Mallory.
“Friends tell each other things, dummy,” said Jude. “And cello? We’re friends.”
“Why though?”
“Oh my God, Penny. Stop being so emo. Are you going to make us talk about feelings?” asked Mallory. “Seriously, you are so homeschooled sometimes.”
“Wait, what do you mean?” asked Jude. “You actually don’t know why anyone would like you?”
“Yeah,” said Penny. “Genuine question. You guys are this official thing. You’re a unit. But you keep asking me to do stuff even though I know I’m boring compared to you, and I want to know why.”
Mallory switched off the interior car light.
“Okay.” Mallory took a deep breath. “At the beginning I only liked you as much as you liked me, which wasn’t very much.”
That made sense.
“But then I felt bad for my dear friend Jude, who had to live with you.” Mallory laughed.
“And I’ve always liked you,” said Jude. “You’re mysterious. You’re the hella metal dude in high school who’s sexy even though he sneers and doesn’t talk to anyone.”
“But now I enjoy your company because you’re smart,” said Mallory. “And dark. You do seem seriously tormented.”
“And you’re a good egg,” said Jude simply.
Penny crumpled inwardly when Jude said that. She wasn’t a good egg. Penny didn’t have to tell Jude everything, that she was desperately, hopelessly in love with Sam, but she should have told her they were friends. Penny knew it would hurt Jude to have been kept in the dark this long.
“Oh my God, can you guys smell that?” Mallory rolled down her windows. Penny could hear the waves crashing in the dark. The moonlight turned everything blue.
They got out of the car and stretched. The salt air was sticky.
“Do you have towels?” asked Jude, kicking off her shoes.
Penny nodded. Mallory laughed. “Of course you do.”
“You’re going actual swimming?” Penny asked. “Now?”
“You’re not?” Jude said incredulously. “It was your idea to come to the beach.” She stepped out of her shorts. Penny handed her a towel.
“I wanted to see the water,” she said. “To be near it.” It hadn’t occurred to her that anyone would go in.
Jude shrugged and ran to the water, whooping before diving in. Mallory watched her, looked back at Penny, and offered her a chip.
Penny took a handful. “Are you swimming?”
“Oh, hell no,” said Mallory. “I only dip my toes in chlorinated water.”
They could barely make Jude out in the waves.
Mallory hopped up onto Penny’s trunk, and Penny climbed up next to her. She felt Mallory shiver slightly in the dark.
“Cold?”
“A little.”
Penny grabbed her hoodie from the front seat, pulled her phone out of the pocket, and handed the sweatshirt to her. They huddled closer.
She thought about how with Mallory everything was even steven. Affection, loyalty, even laughing at jokes. Jude was different. Penny could see now why they were so close. Mallory was tougher and looked out for her. They were a good team.
They faced the water, feeling the breeze and listening to the roar of the tide.
“Isn’t it appalling that she’s friends with us?” Mallory asked.
Penny was strangely flattered to be a part of Mallory’s “us.”
“She’s so nice,” said Mallory. “Decent, you know?”
“Yeah,” said Penny. “If there were an apocalypse tomorrow, she’d be out in the first wave. It wouldn’t matter how fast or strong she was. Her heart wouldn’t be able to take it.”
Mallory bumped her shoulder with her own. “I love how this is where your brain goes,” she said. “I know what you mean though. God, can you imagine? She’d probably die trying to save a bus full of orphans.”
“Why would anybody save children during the apocalypse?” said Penny.
“For anything other than food? No idea.”
Penny smiled in the dark.
Mallory took her hair down from a bun and shook it out. The wind was balmy on Penny’s face. She was glad they’d come. After a moment she shook her hair out too. “I love the ocean.”
“We’re going to have the best beachy waves.” Mallory scrunched her hair and pulled out her phone. “Get in this with me.”
The first shot with the flash was awful. Straight up the nose with both of them resembling startled possums.
“Oh my God.” Mallory laughed, deleting it. “Tragic.”
Penny switched on the flashlight of her phone and illuminated them from an angle.
“No flash, only mood lighting,” said Penny.
“Ooooh, you are resourceful,” said Mallory. “I would eat you last in the apocalypse.”
They tried another. Better.
“Okay,” said Mallory, repositioning Penny’s hand and tugging at her arm. “Wait, seriously, is this as far as you go? What are you, some kind of midget T. rex?”
Penny laughed. When Mallory made fun of you in this way you felt like the only person in the world.
“Here, let’s switch.” Mallory became the flashlight as Penny shot.
“So much better,” said Mallory as Penny swiped through the options. In fact, they were the best selfies Penny had ever taken. They were two giggly girls with great big hair doing irrepressibly fun things. Even without the pictures, Penny would remember this night for a long time.
“See,” said Mallory. “Look how good you look when you tilt your chin down like that?”
“Oh my God, it’s sooooooo cold!” Jude breathlessly ran toward them. “I knew it was gonna be a bitch when I got out.”
Mallory flashed the phone light toward her. She was shivering in her underwear.
“What happened to the towel I gave you?” asked Penny.
Jude’s eyes widened. “Oh shit,” she said, turning back toward the beach.
“Don’t worry. Penny has an extra,” said Mallory, hopping off the trunk.
“You do?”
Penny reached into the trunk for the other one and handed it to her.
“I kneeeeeeew it!” Mallory clapped her hands triumphantly. “Oh my God, you’re so predictable!”
“That’s my last though!” Penny exclaimed. It required heroic restraint not to make Jude go back and hunt for its mate.
“Wait, I want a selfie too,” said Jude, reaching for her phone. “Give me. I want to check my face.”
Penny handed it over.
“Oh my God,” said Jude, pawing through her hair helplessly. “Drowned rat much?”
“First wave of the apocalypse,” muttered Mallory.
“Seriously,” Penny said, cheesing.
“Look at you two all buddy-buddy,” said Jude, eyeing them.
Just then Penny’s phone pinged in Jude’s hand.
“Penny, you have to change your ringtone,” said Mallory. “I have, like, PTSD from Apex. It’s been my alarm all year. What psychopath uses Apex as their ringtone? It’s such an alarm.”
“What?” said Penny, reaching for her phone. “No way. Apex is way too quiet for that.”
Apex kept going off in Jude’s hands.
Jude’s face was lit up. Then she held the phone out so the other girls could see.
Penny snatched the phone, but the damage had been done.
She’d seen.
Jude knew.
SAM HOUSE
Today 9:11 PM
Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyooyoyoyyoyoyoyo
Come by
I baked a SHEETCAKE
Your favorite
Confetti emoji
He’d written out “confetti emoji” since he was trying to quit using emoji because he thought they were “emotionally lazy.”
“Uh,” said Mallory quietly. “What psycho sets their texts to preview mode?”
Penny grabbed her phone and shoved it into her pocket, plunging the girls into darkness.
Penny weighed her options.
Available means to ejector seat from crippling social trauma:
1. Jump into the car, lock the doors, race home, transfer schools before they return.
2. Lie her lying face off.
3. Just tell them everything. It was a simple (very long) misunderstanding.
Penny wondered if this canceled everything out, if them seeing the texts meant they weren’t friends anymore. Penny felt like her throat was closing. There was no escape. She felt nauseous. The waves thundered in her ears.
“Jude,” she said quietly. It was barely audible above the din. Penny wished she could sit down. Her heart was racing. “I’m sorry.”
“Wait,” said Jude. “Sam House, that’s Uncle Sam, right?”
Penny nodded.
There were rapid-fire questions of increasing volume.
“Uncle Sam is your secret Internet boyfriend?”
“No! Not exactly.”
“Are you guys dating?”
“We’re just friends.”
“Well, then, why wouldn’t you say something?”
Penny couldn’t tell her that Sam didn’t want her to. It would only make things worse.
“Were you hanging out this whole time while he was avoiding me?”
“No. We just text. We don’t hang out. . . . Okay, we’ve hung out once. Twice, technically . . .”
“Jesus, Penny,” Jude said. “He’s the guy, right? The guy you’re into?”
Silence.
And from Mallory:
“Why sheet cake though?”
“I told him it was my favorite. . . .”
For some reason the cake part seemed to piss Jude off the most. Mallory stood beside her with her arms crossed. Strangely, Mallory seemed more perplexed than mad, though there was no question whose side she was on.
“I’m sorry,” said Penny. She meant it.
They rode home in silence. This time Penny didn’t feel sleepy at all.