Chapter Fifteen
The nice thing about only working one day a week means that I have most of the week for leisure. Walking the park that winds behind my loft. Painting. Reading. I thought that it was a fulfilling life. A sign of success that my bank account continues to grow through solid investments. And the Saturday nights have always been more about pleasure than work.
Today nothing seems to hold my interest. My books look empty and cold. The outside is a lonely place. This is Bea’s fault. The world only looks colorful when she’s near me, which is hardly any time at all.
Suddenly one day a week seems like not enough.
I’m looking through my phone, listless, before finally giving in. I pull up the video app so that I can view her page. There are so many videos here. So many days of her. It feels like a feast for someone who’s been starving, even though I know it isn’t real. Is this what her fans feel like? I scroll down to the comments.
There are many of only a few words: Beautiful. Queen. Perfect soul.
Many emojis as well. Hearts and music notes and faces that are crying, with happiness I think.
Other comments are more in-depth. I love you so much, Bea. I’m your biggest fan and you’re beautiful in every way. Follow me back PLS.
And, When are you going to go on tour?? I would love to hear you LIVE. #frontrow
There are also some rather inappropriate ones that have me raising my eyebrows. If they are willing to say this in a public forum, I wonder what kind of private messages she gets. There was no reason for her to hire someone to take her virginity. There’s no shortage of volunteers in the comments section.
But I know more than anyone that women don’t hire me because there’s no one else. They hire me because they want me to be the empty man, the one who can fuck them the way they want, not the way I want, the one who can act like I love them without feeling a thing.
And I’m good at being that man. Empty.
I scroll back to the top, where a new video has been uploaded since I looked at the page yesterday. This one is titled Over the Rainbow. I press the PLAY button and settle in to watch.
Most of the videos start with music. Only rarely does she say a brief piece before she begins. This time she begins speaking. “I met someone recently, someone who made me think that maybe there’s more to life than what I knew before. Someone who makes me think there’s somewhere else worth going.”
My heart squeezes, because she must be talking about me. I can hear it in the husky bent of her voice, the way she speaks when my mouth is on her clit. Hungry and low.
“Most people would think he’s happy. It feels like he’s full of joy, but there’s sadness, too. A part of him that longs for a world more colorful than this one.”
How does she see inside me, like my skin is made of glass?
“And when I’m around him I long for that world, too. Have you ever met a person like that? A person who made you dream of more?”
There’s a silence in which my mind fills in the answer. You make me dream, Bea. Because it’s not as simple as one direction. It’s what happens when we’re together, the possibilities like sparks in the air, giving us a glimpse of what could be.
“I love doing the new songs for you, but I have this one on my mind. It’s a classic song. I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but maybe today it will sound new to you like it does to me.”
And then she plays the song in a slow, sultry, beautiful tune. It makes goose bumps rise on my arms, the deep sound of her breath coming through the small speakers. How does she do this?
By the time she gets to the end, there are tears in my eyes. I do not have the worry that other men have in Tanglewood. That other men had in Tangier, also. That I will not be properly masculine if I cry, but there is very little that can move me. A beautiful painting. A poem. I can enjoy them without being moved, but this is different. It’s like she’s singing to me, and my body responds as if she’s touching me. I want to clench my hand in her wild hair. I want to press my lips against the rapid pulse at the base of her throat. God, she’s perfect.
The notes end in a weighted silence. And then the video ends.
I feel the loss of her, acute and painful.
The video app gives me only a small pause before spinning into another one of her videos. And another, while I sit there, cold as a statue on top of a building, watching the city stream by. Eventually the app moves to play other musicians who share their work. And then pop music published by the major labels.
Still, I cannot bring myself to move.
The notes she played have embedded themselves in my head. It’s all I can hear.
Until the phone buzzes in my hand. An incoming text. I glance down, detached from this ordinary world, disinterested, until I see Melissande’s name. I try to ignore how much anticipation rises within me at the thought of seeing Bea again.
She booked the next three weeks.
A deep breath makes me realize I had been holding it, but for how long? Since I saw Bea perform that haunting melody? Or longer, since I left her bed? I text back, Okay, glad Melissande isn’t here to see me. She would sense that something was wrong, no matter how well I try to hide it.
Your other clients will lose their minds.
My other clients will go back to their regular lives. They will find a nice man in a bar. Or finally approach someone they’ve had a crush on. There’s nothing for them with me.
It’s Melissande who’s in danger of losing her mind. I’m not giving you any more nights, I type.
Three dots hover on the screen for a long time. Either Melissande is typing out something very long or she’s doing a lot of erasing and starting over. In the end her message is brief: I made you.
That makes me laugh out loud, the sound echoing in the large loft. Do you want me to thank you? I type back, before adding, Thank you, Melissande. For making me a whore.
She’ll read the sarcasm fine, because it’s been a very long time since we were friends. A very long time since we were lovers. There must be fondness there, to make me reluctant to ruin her. I’m not in the business of ruining women. Usually I prefer to pleasure them. Could I make an exception for Damon Scott? Would I make an exception for revenge?
It is perhaps ominous that I don’t know the answer myself.