Ed Sheeran—How Would You Feel
Andrew Ripp—When You Fall In Love
Yiruma—River Flows In You
I steady the ninth candle in the pink icing as it nearly falls, chuckling to myself before walking out into the backyard of the smaller house we moved into two and a half years ago.
“Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to, Izzie. Happy Birthday to you.” Everyone sings along and cheers for the birthday girl.
Nine today. I can’t believe it.
Izzie jumps up and down in her seat as she blows out each candle.
“Did you make a wish, pumpkin?” Tris asks, walking over to me but directing his question at Izzie. “Here, go to Mommy.”
He passes over an over-excited Frankie who pouts as he tries to reach for the cake before we can cut it. “Not a chance, bud. That’s your sister’s.”
“Want it!” he shouts, making everyone laugh.
When I went to the hospital one Sunday and “Baby F” wasn’t there anymore, it broke my heart that I would never get to cuddle him again, that I’d never see his little face and look into his big brown eyes. I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t holding onto him and keeping him safe.
But it didn’t end there. A lot of serious conversations later, Tris and I decided we weren’t going to let him stay in the system a minute longer. We had a long battle with the legal system, but he was finally ours. And soon Izzie and Clay will be mine—legally—too.
The decision wasn’t an easy one to make regarding Clay and Izzie. When Tris first approached me about adopting the kids, there was no doubt in my mind that it was what I wanted. But I was worried that they’d think that I was trying to replace Natalia. Much to both of our surprises, when we sat the kids down and told them that I wanted to adopt them, Izzie didn’t even bat an eyelid, running and hugging me like it was the best news that she’d ever heard. Clay was cautious at first, but he soon warmed up to the idea when we explained the situation more.
I walk over and sit beside Clay on the sofa with Tristan on the other side of him.
“I would never try to take your mom’s place, Clay.” I look up at Tristan who nods slowly at me, giving me the go-ahead to say what we talked about. “Your mom was actually my best friend when we were in college.”
Clay’s head snaps toward me. “She was?”
I nod gently. “She sure was. Your mom was an amazing, kind-hearted person, and I will never take that away from her. I… I want to give you everything you deserve. I want to be there for you when you need someone to listen to your stories and when you need someone to rant to when your dad is being a big stinker.” We all chuckle. “But most of all, I’d like to be your stand-in mom, if you’ll let me?”
He seems to think for what feels like forever before looking between Tris and me. “I… Yeah, I think I’d like that.”
That was a little under a year ago and the legal things still aren’t finished, but I’m hoping it won’t be long before we can make it official. It’s a formality really, I’ll always see them as mine regardless of whether a piece of paper says it to be true or not.
Clay saunters over and stands beside his nana, looking more and more like his dad as the years go by. His light brown hair has started to lighten up into the same sandy-blond as Tris’s and at the age of nearly twelve, he’s shot up and nearly matches my own five-foot-five height.
He dips his fingers into Izzie’s icing and sticks them in his mouth.
“Hey!” Izzie pouts.
“Clay, wait until your sister has cut the cake,” I say with a smirk.
He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Hurry up then, Izzie.”
I giggle as Tris helps Izzie cut the cake. “Dad, I’m old enough to cut it on my own now.”
She’s nine going on nineteen I swear, but her attitude only makes me giggle, especially when Tris doesn’t know what to do with it.
“Here, I’ll take Frankie. Looks like you have your hands full there,” Mom says, taking him out of my arms and ruffling his golden muss of curls, placing him on the floor and guiding him over to the sand pit with Charlotte walking alongside her.
“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” I mutter under my breath, smiling at all of my friends and family. After all of the pain we’ve all suffered, we deserve to be this happy.
I sigh when Tris’s cologne invades my senses as he wraps his arms around my waist from behind, and kisses my cheek. “I hope that’s a happy sigh.”
I chuckle and wave over at Ed as he talks to my mom’s new boyfriend. “Of course it’s a happy sigh. The kids are happy and healthy, we’re living in my dream house, and our friends and family are happy and healthy too. But most of all…” I turn in his arms and hook my hands behind his neck. “We found each other again.”
His gray eyes sparkle as he dips his head and kisses me softly. “I love you, Harmony Carter. Always have, always will. You’ve etched your way over every piece of my heart.”
It may have taken a long while and we may have had to work through all of our problems, but we did it together.
“I love—”
“Dad, Mom, look at what Uncle Nate has taught me!” Everyone freezes at Izzie’s words and Tris’s arms tighten around me as we watch her do a front flip on the trampoline. She lands it perfectly and grins, looking around at us all. “Did you not see? Do you want me to do it again?”
Tears prick my eyes and I swipe at them when they fall. “No, sweetie. We all saw the first time, it was amazing. But be careful.”
She beams and starts jumping again, breaking everyone’s trance. Tristan furrows his brow but it turns into a smile as he looks at me.
“She—she called me Mom,” I stutter.
He nods and pulls me into his chest, resting his chin on the top of my head. “She sure did.”
I bring the car to a stop, staring at the black gates that have haunted me for such a long time. Only three years ago, I wouldn’t have come here in the daylight, preferring to be here in the darkness of the night.
It’s different now though, so very different, because as I turn my head toward the passenger seat, I’m met with a pair of honey eyes and a soft smile.
“Ready?” she asks, reaching her hand out and squeezing my forearm gently.
“Yeah,” I reply, smiling and pushing the door open before sliding out of the car.
I open the back door and let Clay and Izzie out while Harmony gets Frankie out of his car seat.
I hold my hand out for Izzie as Clay comes to stand beside me. He’s at the age now—the start of his pre-teens—where giving affection isn’t the “cool” thing to do. I remember those days well, but as he comes closer and reaches for my hand, I can’t stop the lump forming in my throat and the smile spreading across my face.
Harmony walks beside us, holding a sleepy Frankie as we walk up the long path, heading for Natalia’s headstone.
This isn’t a lone thing now, I don’t have to suffer in pain and regret on my own anymore. Now I have my whole family who comes with me and helps me deal with my emotions one day at a time. But the most important thing that I’ve learned is to celebrate Natalia and her life instead of being in despair and mourning for her loss. She left her mark on the world with Clay and Izzie, and I have no doubt in my mind that they’re going to be some of the best marks left on this planet.
We stop at the headstone and all take it in turns to catch her up with what’s going on in our lives at the moment. We come often now, but every day, this time of year, we make it about us all coming to visit her at the same time.
Once everyone has taken their turn, I step forward, touching the top of the headstone.
“Hey, Nat.” I smile, looking up at the flowering, pink blossom tree that sits behind her. The flower buds opening and soaking up the sunlight that is streaming from the sky. “Things are getting easier,” I tell her, looking behind me and seeing Harmony chase Frankie as he tries to run off. “Well…” I chuckle. “As easy as they can be with a three-year-old running around and terrorizing everyone and everything in his path.”
Izzie laughs at something Frankie says and she takes his hand, running away with him.
“Isabel Carter,” Harmony reprimands. “Don’t you dare run across that grass.” Her words are at complete odds with the smile on her face and I can’t help the grin that lifts my lips and crinkles the corner of my eyes.
I turn back around, staring at her headstone. “So many things have happened these last few years, Nat. But the most important thing is how Clay and Izzie are coming along. Clay stopped using his nightlights a couple of months ago.” I swallow against the lump in my throat. “I’m so proud of him. You’d be proud of him.”
“Daddy!” I spin around at the sound of Frankie’s voice. He comes barreling toward me, his golden-blond curls bouncing on his head as he runs away from Izzie and Harmony who are chasing him. I crouch down, catching him and holding him in the air before they get to him.
He giggles, throwing his head back and then wiggles in my arms to be let down.
I place him down on the grass and he frowns, looking at all of us and then at the headstone before he waddles toward it. “Mama?” He points at Clay and Izzie.
“Yeah,” Clay says, his throat noticeably deeper than it was only a few weeks ago. “That’s my mom.” He steps forward, crouching down behind Frankie. “She looked like Izzie.”
Frankie turns his gaze back to Izzie, his little mind not quite processing it. “You wuv, Mama?”
Clay brings his hands around Frankie, letting him lean back against him as he whispers, “So much.”
“Where?” Frankie asks, his hands coming up on either side of him in a shrug. I watch their interaction, the lump in my throat getting bigger as Harmony sidles up next to me, placing her hand in mine and leaning against me.
“Up there,” Izzie says, stepping forward and kneeling down on the grass next to them as she points up at the sky.
Clay turns his head toward her, a sad smile on his face as he brings his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him.
“Look at them,” Harmony whispers. “Our family.”
“They are,” I reply, my voice hoarse. I bring her hand up to my lips, placing a soft kiss there and clearing my throat, trying my hardest not to break as I watch my three kids.
Clay plants a kiss on the top of Izzie’s head, pulling her closer as a tear falls, tracking down her cheek.
“Sky?” Frankie asks.
“Yeah.” Clay lets him go as he wiggles in his hold, leaving Clay and Izzie sitting in front of Natalia’s headstone, holding onto one another—leaning on each other—something that took me way too long to do with Harmony.
He waddles toward the headstone, looking at it and then the sky. “Wuv you,” he says, leaning forward, his bottom in the air as he kisses the headstone.
The tears that I’ve been holding back break free as he walks back toward Clay and Izzie, trying his hardest to wrap his hands around their necks as he comforts them.
I let go of Harmony’s hand, putting my arm around her shoulders and wiping away the tears running down her soft cheeks before pulling her closer.
“I think…” My voice breaks so I clear my throat, trying a second time. “I think now is the perfect time.”
“Perfect time?” Harmony asks, pulling away.
Izzie and Clay stand up, Frankie inside Clay’s arms, his arms still around his neck.
“Yeah,” I answer, watching as Harmony puts her hand around Izzie’s shoulders, kissing the top of her head and wiping away the tears from her cheeks.
I pull the envelope out that has been burning a hole in my pocket since I received it three days ago. This is the moment that I’ve been waiting for, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. And to have Natalia here, knowing that she’s watching over us and being sure in the notion that she would approve, makes it all the more perfect.
I hold it up in the air, pulling the piece of paper out and grinning. “It’s official.”
“Official?” Harmony asks.
“Yep,” I answer, popping the p. I hand her the envelope, taking a now sleeping Frankie from Clay’s arms.
“Oh my…” Harmony gasps, her hand cupping her mouth as she pulls Izzie into a hug, squeezing her. “The adoption…” Her eyes meet mine, the happiness and love shining so bright that it’s almost blinding. “It came through.”
“It came through,” I repeat, nodding at her.
Izzie and Harmony hold each other, whispering something while Clay stands off to the side, his head looking down at the grass. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, but when he lifts his head, his gray eyes clashing with mine, I can see every single emotion he’s feeling.
He steps forward when Izzie and Harmony break apart.
“You’ve never been a stand-in mom,” he says, stopping two feet in front of her. His head matching in height with hers. The last couple of years he’s shot up. “You were always a real mom.” She sobs, her smile spreading wide before he pulls her forward, wrapping his arms around her. “I had that dream again,” he says, his voice a mere whisper, but we can all hear him.
“You did?” she asks, pulling away and cupping the side of his face.
My breath hitches, knowing the details of the dream he had over and over again where his mom would disappear all over again.
He nods. “Yeah, but this time… when she disappeared and the lights came back on... you were there.”
I pull Izzie closer, kissing the top of her head as I run my hand over Frankie’s back.
This. This right here is all that matters, and I’ll do anything and everything for them.
It doesn’t matter what side of the track you’re from or what has happened in your past—pain, sadness, anger—none of it matters when you have a love like ours.
That all-consuming, heart-shattering, kind of love.
Harmony’s eyes meet mine and from that one look, I can tell that her life is now complete. She may not be able to give birth to her own children, but we have three wonderful kids who will always see her as their mom.
She and Clay walk toward us and we all stand together, none of us saying a word as we bask in the fact that we’re a family—a legal one.
Harmony gives me a watery smile and pulls away, turning around to face the headstone before walking toward it and placing her hand on the top. “I’ll make you proud, Nat. I promise.”