It took me a few weeks to work up the courage to tell Nicolae about Kel’s theory. I wasn’t sure why I’d put it off for so long. There was no particular reason, the right time just never seemed to come up. I wasn’t sure if I was scared he’d say no, or scared he’d get up hope only for the plan to be called off because it turned out the odds of success were just as bleak.

Dying was a pretty open-ended thing. I’d known my body would fail on me eventually, and I’d figured it wouldn’t be pretty, but if I allowed Nicolae to bite me and it failed, it meant a rapid descent into madness followed by certain death. And I wouldn’t even be myself. I couldn’t help that I was afraid, and I liked to think I’d taken the news of my inevitable demise in stride, all things considered. But I was more afraid that Nicolae would just flat-out refuse. It was dangerous, and he was fixated on half-baked therapies that carried no risks.

When Nicolae came home with another stack of papers, I knew it was time. He was pissed that I’d put off other forms of treatment that were definitely destined to just prolong my suffering by a few terrible months, and that was if I got lucky. I knew I was breaking my promise to try everything, but if I only had a little bit of time with him, I wanted to enjoy it. I didn’t want to spend it exhausted and wasting away. Just running after Andrei took enough energy those days. I didn’t want the people I loved to remember me like that.

It was one point in favor of Kel’s option. It would allow me to maintain my dignity, at least until I turned into a ravenous monster.

“Nicolae,” I began in hopes of preempting his spiel on the latest drug studies he’d printed off the Internet.

“Don’t,” he growled, dropping the papers on the counter. “You’ve been putting this off ever since we got back, and I’m done. We are going to talk about this tonight, whether you want to or not.”

“Fine, we’ll talk about it. But can I tell you something first?”

He stared at me skeptically, like he thought this was another diversion tactic. “Okay,” he said, grudgingly sitting down. “What is it?”

“Kel told me about a new experimental treatment. There’s only a slim chance of success, but it’s better than what we’re working with. The only problem is, if it doesn’t work, it’ll definitely kill me.”

His eyes went wide as he listened. “When was this? You didn’t tell me you had an appointment today.”

“I didn’t.” Now the guilt was setting in. “She told me at the party.”

“The party?” he cried, standing. “Last month?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just needed time to process.”

“What’s there to process?” he growled. “How could you keep this from me if it was so important she’d seek you out over it? And what is it, this ‘experimental’ treatment you felt the need to hide?”

“I’m part wolf, Nick.” He seemed to shut down at that revelation. We’d both talked about the possibility, but actually knowing was another thing. “It’s not much, but Kel thinks that there’s a chance I could survive your bite and it would heal me.”

For a few minutes, his face showed absolutely nothing. Then it became a screen that projected only anger. “That’s insane. Even if you do have some distant wolf ancestor, that means nothing! You’re human. I’m not going to be the one who murders you based on some theory.”

“I’m dying, Nicolae,” I said slowly, hoping that this was finally the time the words would sink in. For a long while, I’d tried humoring his denial, hoping he just needed time to ease into it, but Ellie had accepted it better than he had. Out of the two of them, he was the one I worried for most when I was gone. Ellie was fearless and strong, a pillar even more solid than Francesca. Nicolae hid his weaknesses well, but they were there, waiting to undermine him. “Whatever drugs I take and whatever surgeries they try, it’s only going to make me suffer longer.”

“You don’t know that,” he snarled, pacing the room. “You’ve given up, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. There are new therapies coming out every day.”

“Nicolae, I’m dying,” I repeated, walking over to him since I knew he wouldn’t come to me when he was like this. I reached to touch his face, but he turned away from me. I took his hand instead, squeezing it, and his eyes finally met mine.

The anger in them was a poor cover for the fear. The pain. The doubt. “It’s over if we don’t try this,” I said softly, closing the gap between our bodies and our lips. “You know that.”

“No,” he gritted out. His eyes were red even as his voice softened. “I just found you.”

“I know,” I whispered, touching his cheek. “And I would give anything to stay with you, but it’s not going to be enough.”

I realized only then what I’d been afraid of. It wasn’t him saying no or saying yes. It was the fact that no matter what he said, I already knew what my choice would be. Either this worked, or I was going to lose him. Ellie. Andrei. There was no magic bullet, no waking up from a bad dream. His bite would either save me or kill me, and the time for weighing the decision was drawing to a close.

Nicolae grimaced, touching my hand to hold it close to his cheek. “You don’t know what it’s like to be as powerful as I am and utterly powerless to do the one thing that matters.”

“Even you can’t stop this, Nicolae,” I told him, pleading with him to look at me. I knew it hurt, but I needed him to understand. “If I only have a little time left, I want it to be on my terms. You understand that, don’t you?”

“I understand,” he said bitterly. “I hate it, but I understand.”

I smiled. “I can deal with that.”

He looked away, frowning off into the distance like he was considering another argument, but he released a burdened sigh instead. “When?”

“I’d like to hold out as long as I can,” I admitted.

“When you are ready, then.” He sounded so broken. Defeated.

“There’s something else I should have told you earlier,” I said.

His eyes narrowed. “What else?”

“I think Leonie is Ellie’s destined mate.”

He stared at me like he was waiting for me to announce it was a joke. “She’s a teenager.”

“Preaching to the choir,” I muttered. “But if you’d seen her at that party, you’d understand.”

“She’s a teenager,” he said again, stuck on that just as much as I was. “And Leonie is a beta! It’s against everything we’ve planned for.”

“I know, but it’s not like we’re on speaking terms with the Crow pack anymore,” I reminded him. “And we don’t have a whole lot of room to talk when it comes to what’s conventional. What are we going to do, tell her she’s grounded from falling for the wrong person?”

He grunted in irritation, but I could tell he was coming to the same conclusion I had. Whatever became of that bond in the future, being set against it would only make things worse for everyone involved.

“Has Ellie said anything to her?” he grumbled.

“Not as far as I know. She hasn’t talked to me about it, either.”

“Well, that needs to change.”

I gave him a look. “I know you’ve been a parent longer than I have, but when it comes to a teenage girl, you’re playing by very different rules. When Ellie wants to talk, she’ll come to us. That’s the way it’s gotta be.”

I was sure he was going to keep arguing, and he’d probably have ended up echoing my own concerns, but instead, he pulled me into his arms and breathed in my scent. I leaned on him, relieved that we weren’t going to spend the night fighting. “What am I going to do without you, Jack?” he murmured.

The question broke my heart, and I didn’t have an answer that wouldn’t break his. I just held him and prayed for a miracle.