“Ohhhhhh my God,” a nasally female voiced whined. “It’s just not fair that you’re soooooo gorgeous.”

Rolling my eyes, I turned and expected to find Scary Voice hitting on Gareth—every busty female Vamp in attendance had eyed him hungrily. It pissed me off and made me wish I could knife a few without getting kicked out of the pageant. However, I was wrong this time. The fang grinding voice aimed her bitching at me.

The welcome cocktail hour was in full swing. My posse and I stood on the outskirts of the crowded room with our backs to the wall. I was doing my best not to engage with the Barbie Vamps, but this one was determined to move right into my space.

“Pardon me?” I asked politely, trying my damnedest not to wince at her voice.

She was a knockout, but her high-pitched squeak left a lot to be desired. My new buddy was a blonde haired, golden eyed, ridiculously booby annoyance. Why she had a problem with me was anyone’s guess. She was lip-sticked and sprayed within an inch of her undead life. She was exactly the right type of gal for this bullshit.

“You’re new,” she pouted and examined my outfit with a critical eye.

When she found no fault, her pout grew more exaggerated.

I had no fault with my attire either—a red, low cut Prada halter dress and mile high stilettos. Astrid had done well in packing for me. Of course she’d neglected to put PJ’s or any underwear whatsoever in my suitcase, but I would bet my undead life that the omission was on purpose.

She’d pay when I got home… if I got home.

“I am new.” I gave the woman a curt nod and then looked away, clearly dismissing her. Didn’t work.

“Where ya from?” she asked, shoving Martha and Jane out of the way and wedging herself next to me on the wall.

“Here and there,” I answered, staying vague. I needed to keep my eye out for Claudia, not make small talk with someone whose voice made me want to head punch them.

“Me too,” she said and rubbed her shoulder suggestively against mine.

Hold the Hell on a minute. Was Blondie hitting on me?

“What’s your name?” she purred, with her heavily lined eyes glued to my cleavage.

Yep. She was making a move. I heard Gareth’s chuckle, and I wanted to smack him, but first I needed to politely decline the absurd offer being presented.

“What’s your name?” I asked, turning her question back on her.

“Tiara,” she said with a totally straight face.

I gaped at her and bit back my laugh with enormous effort. “Seriously?”

“I know right?” she said with a shrill giggle that felt like a sharp stick shoved in my ear. “And it’s real. My mother was a total bee-otch. Who in the hey-hey names their daughter after a fucking crown and expects her to be straight? For the love of God, I wanted to play football and she made me go to charm school.”

“Wow,” I mumbled, trying to figure out how to lose Tiara—fast.

“That’s right, wow! I wore a strap on penis all four years of high school and she ignored it—never asked about it once. Talk about clueless. I went to prom in a tux. You’d think she’d catch on, but nooooooooooo.”

“Um… why are you here?” She wasn’t an old Vamp but she wasn’t very young either. I could tell by her scent and her mannerisms. I would guess her mother was long gone. She could live as a man free and clear now, yet she was competing in a beauty pageant—for women.

“Oh, right. It must seem odd.”

She giggled again and I heard Gareth slam his hands over his ears. It was all I could do not to join him, but Tiara wasn’t evil. She was just annoying—very annoying.

“A little odd,” I agreed.

“A girl’s gotta make a living. I keep getting kicked out of Vampyre Houses. I have no clue why. I’m a team player and I can kill shit while barely moving. Maybe that’s it… jealousy. Ya think?” she asked in a pitch that brought to mind fornicating cats.

I would swear on my life that her voice would attract stray animals. It was no wonder Houses wouldn’t accept her—eardrums were necessary.

“Probably.”

“Anyhoo, it’s next to impossible for a Vamp to have a sex change. My lower lady bits keep growing back along with my knockers. It’s a bloody mess, let me tell you. Total bummer. So I decided to use my hooters to make some cash. If you can’t beat ‘em, you gotta join ‘em.”

Never in my centuries on Earth had I heard anything like this. Even Martha and Jane didn’t have anything to add to Tiara’s story. I stared at her for a long beat and tried to assess if she was full of it—she wasn’t. I could scent lying and she was telling the truth. It was a Godawful truth, but it was a truth nonetheless.

“I see.” It was the only thing I could think to say besides something that might sound rude or insulting.

“So you busy after the party?”

“Tiara, while I’m flattered, I’m not interested,” I told her as diplomatically as I could.

“Well, shit, I figured you batted for my team when I saw your lesbian handlers,” she said with a nod to the now blustering Martha and Jane. “My peeps are gay like yours.”

“What the holy fuck?” Martha grumbled. “I’m not a rug muncher. It was only one time and we laughed so hard it didn’t count.”

“It’s the fucking suits.” Jane snorted with disgust and glanced down at the classy Prada pants and blazer she was wearing. “No one mistakes us for muff divers when we’re in assless chaps and boob tubes.”

That certainly shut Tiara up for a brief moment. Gareth turned away and banged his head on the wall. I decided ignoring the dingbats was the best course of action.

“Um… Tiara, we could be friends or friendly acquaintances,” I amended quickly lest she get the idea we were going to hang out. “But I like men.”

“Too bad,” she said sadly, shaking her head. “But I’ll take you up on the friend offer. None of the bitches on the circuit will talk to me. Everyone is jealous of me. Drives me nuts.”

With a smile that I hoped looked more sympathetic than pained, I nodded.

“I can size up the competition for you if ya want,” she told me. “Of course, I’m gonna win, but you might come in first runner up. That is unless you have to go into the cage with me.”

“Sizing up the competitors would be helpful, and what makes you so sure you can kick my ass?” I inquired, intrigued.

“Because I killed a Dark Fairy with my bare hands,” she whispered. “Tore his head right off. He squealed like a piggy.”

Holy shit on a stick. Maybe I’d written old Tiara off too quickly. Even Gareth quit laughing and took notice.

“I bit one of those Fairy fuckers in the ass once,” Jane confided proudly.

“And I practically twisted his nuts off,” Martha added, miming the appalling action with glee.

“My kind of people.” Tiara gave a high five to the old bags. “So anyhoo, there are eight of us.”

That surprised me since the room was full of people. The entourages must be huge.

“Me, you… wait. What the hell is your name?” Tiara asked.

“Her name’s Venus,” Martha said, taking command of her role as my handler. “I’m Martha. The ugly one is Jane, and that hunk right there is Dickie.”

“Speak for yourself, hooker,” Jane snapped. “You’re uglier than I am.”

“And how would you know that?” Martha demanded body-slamming Jane into the wall. “You ain’t got no reflection.”

“Neither do you,” Jane said with a knee to Martha’s gut.

“Stop it,” I hissed. “You’re both appalling. And if you keep this behavior up, you’re going home.”

“Sorry,” Jane mumbled, flipping Martha the bird.

“I like those gnarly gals. I’ve been looking for some new blood for my entourage. You attached to them?” Tiara asked, sizing up the now nervous Martha and Jane.

I paused as Jane and Martha peered at me with childlike worry. They clearly didn’t want to be given to someone who could make a Fairy squeal like a piggy—to be honest neither would I. It was so tempting to hand them off, but most other Vamps would behead them after five minutes in their company. The old idiots had grown on me… kind of like a fungus, but a non-deadly and slightly amusing fungus.

“No, they’re mine and I’m keeping them,” I told a disappointed Tiara. “Point out the competition.”

“Yes ma’am. You got Dana, Deena, Deandra, Donna and Dodie—all blonde, mean and stacked.”

“You’re joking right?” I asked with a squint of disbelief.

“No, they’re all at least 34DDD,” she replied totally misunderstanding.

“No, I meant all their names start with D?”

“Oh that.” Tiara rolled her eyes and laughed. “Those are stage names. I have no idea what the hell their real names are—could care less. Last bitch who won was named Desiree. All the numb-nuts took on names staring with D thinking it would give them an advantage.”

“Seems they might be a little lacking in the brains department,” I muttered.

“If ya took all seven of ̓em and put their cerebral matter together, ya might come up with a quarter of a normal brain.” Tiara laughed like a hyena at her analysis.

I smile-winced and plastered my hands to my sides so I wouldn’t slap them over my ears or her mouth. I was getting somewhere with Tiara but I didn’t want to piss her off. If she really tore the head from a Fairy, she was a badass. “But that only makes seven with me and you.”

Maybe Tiara was missing a few cells as well.

“Right.” She nodded and then leaned in close indicating we should all do the same. “One of the gals is on a date this evening with a Master Vampyre from Europe. The pageant director, Sunny who happens to be a wankin’ bitchwad, made poor Claudia go with the skeevy bastard. Apparently, the pervert is the new underwriter for the pageants.”

Poor Claudia, my ass. “Is the man her lover?”

“Hell no,” Tiara grunted and threw her hands in the air. “I’m her lover, or at least I was. I got tired of dating a Vamp in the closet. She’s as queer as a three-dollar bill, but too old school to admit it in public. Her loss.”

“Umm… okay,” I stuttered.

We’d hit a land mine of information. Too bad it was making our eardrums bleed.

“So this Claudia doesn’t know the European Vamp?” I asked.

Gareth, Martha and Jane had closed all gaps around us to keep prying eyes and ears at bay.

“Nope. She didn’t want to go, but Sunny insisted—said it would be good for her career. I called bullshit, but Claudia never listened to me when we were bumpin’ uglies, so why would she listen to me now?”

“Claudia sounds like a whore,” I said, only to get a discrete elbow in the back from Gareth.

“Aren’t we all?” Tiara asked with an uncaring shrug. “We’re all here—including you—trying to make a buck with our tits. If the stiletto fits…”

She had a point, but I wasn’t here for the same reason she was. I had no intention of correcting her, but she was definitely going to be my new friend.

“Maybe we can hang out,” I suggested, intending to pry more info from her about Claudia. “Sit next to each other in the dressing room.”

“I would love that,” she squealed, and I was sure I felt blood drip from my ear.

Tiara grabbed me in a wildly inappropriate hug, and if I wasn’t mistaken—and I wasn’t—she copped a quick feel of my ass.

“Alrighty then,” I said, pushing her away. “Touch my ass again and I’ll remove your hand.”

“You homophobic, African Queen?” she asked with a raised brow and a ready to rumble gleam in her gold eyes.

“Nope, I’m an equal opportunity hand remover of those who touch my ass without permission. You racist?”

“Hell to the no. I’m an equal opportunity lesbian—don’t give a shit about color, but I like big tits, and you, my friend have some perky puppies. You gonna pop hunky Dickie tonight? He’s looking at you like he wants to eat you… the good way, not the cannibalistic way,” Tiara clarified just in case I’d mistakenly taken her wildly alarming speech wrong.

“Um… no, but thanks for straightening that one out,” I choked out, still taking in that she’d called my girls puppies and noticed that Gareth wanted to get in my panties.

“No worries, friend. I’m gonna go around and psych those bitches out. I find it helps. Want me to tell them there’s a new girl in town—shake ‘em up a little?” Tiara asked.

“No, but thanks. I’ll do my own psyching out in the morning.”

“Good on ya,” Tiara said with a perfect pageant wave as she disappeared into the crowd of pretty people.

We stood in silence while we all digested what had just gone down. It was pure luck she’d wedged herself up next to me, but as Gareth said to the Angels… I’d rather be lucky than good any day.

We’d been fairly lucky so far. I just hoped it held up.

* * *

“Well, that was certainly informative,” Gareth said dryly, taking my arm and leading us out of the party.

“Ya think?” I asked, stifling my giggle as we made out way through the dense crowd of bejeweled Vampyres.

“Holy Hell, that Tiara makes us look normal,” Martha muttered, nodding at people as we passed.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said as I politely waved at a few smiling strangers.

“I’d just like to reiterate my theory,” Jane said with a wide toothy smile. “Boobs are weapons.”

I shook my head and laughed. The old bags might have a point after all.

“Martha and Jane you will go to your room. You will not destroy it and you will stay there until morning. Understood?” Gareth said as we approached the ornately carved elevator in the lobby.

“You gonna eat Venus?” Jane asked with a smirk and then hid behind Martha when I gave her a vicious glare.

“That remains to be seen,” Gareth replied with a grin that would have made me blush if I’d had the ability.

Vamps couldn’t blush, but Vamps could kick ass, and that was exactly what I was about to do when I got Gareth alone.