Stacey stared down at the meatball she’d been pushing around the plate for a good two minutes, afraid to look up. One meatball in particular resembled a head with strands of spaghetti flowing from it like a wig.

She could feel Devon’s eyes on her and she knew what was coming. Had been expecting it for a few weeks.

The meatball shimmered through her blurred vision as she heard Devon’s fork come to rest on her plate. She suspected the woman had eaten little more than she had.

Stacey tried to brace herself against the inevitable.

‘I’m losing you,’ Devon said, quietly.

Stacey said nothing and continued to stare.

‘I’m trying to hang on, babe,’ she whispered.

Stacey knew she couldn’t raise her head. In those eyes she would see all the love and concern that Devon felt for her. And it would break her in half.

Stacey had been unable to believe her luck that Devon had been interested in her after she’d blown her off months earlier.

But when they’d met again during an investigation into illegal workers, Devon had made her interest clear. And after much prompting from Dawson that she was good enough for this gorgeous, sexy, confident woman, she had found the courage to try again.

And she’d been happy. Happier than she’d ever been or even imagined she could be. Despite demanding jobs, they had made it work. Sometimes Stacey had cancelled due to a pressing case, and sometimes Devon had been called in for a surprise raid or to cover the shift of a fellow immigration officer. But they’d both understood. And Stacey had fallen in love. It had been perfect. Until six weeks ago.

‘I love you, babe,’ Devon said, gently. ‘And I’ll fight for what we had, but I can’t do it if I’m the only person in the ring.’

Stacey knew she was right. She made hardly any effort to see Devon any more. And when she did she was usually silent throughout. The days themselves took all that she had to give. Turning up for work, concentrating, adjusting, fighting off the grief took every ounce of energy she had. Normality had never taken so much effort.

‘Stacey, I know how much you miss him. He was a great guy but he wouldn’t have wanted this.’

Stacey fought the tears that were now stinging her eyes.

For a second she was tempted to swallow down the emotion and assure Devon she was okay, that the woman was imagining things and life was fine and dandy, but the words were nowhere to be found. If it was over between them, she had nothing left to lose.

‘I don’t know how to let him go,’ she said, as a sob rose up and choked her.

She felt Devon’s arms fold around her and allowed herself to be lifted from the seat and guided to the sofa.

‘Sweetheart, you’ve suffered a loss, it’s understandable, especially as you were right there when it happened,’ Devon said, pulling her close. ‘The two of you were good friends. You always reminded me of siblings the way you ribbed each other but you always had each other’s back as well.’

Yes, Stacey remembered when he had sat outside her flat each night after she’d almost lost her life to hateful racists. At first, she hadn’t known he’d been risking his relationship with his partner to make sure she was safe. And when she had found out she had loved him for it. And told him to stop.

‘But I couldn’t protect him, Dee,’ she said, as the tears came thick and fast. ‘I couldn’t stop him from…’

‘Stace, what he did was heroic,’ Devon said, her own voice thickening with emotion. ‘He saved that young boy’s life with little thought for his own. There was no way you could have stopped him, and he wouldn’t have thanked you if you had because he would have relived that child’s death for the rest of his life.’

‘But he would still be here,’ she protested.

‘And that’s about your feelings, not his,’ Devon said, stroking her hair. She let silence fall between them for a moment before continuing. ‘It happened to me, you know,’ she said in a whisper. ‘Came up through training with a Polish girl named Nicola. A true character she was. We clicked. Best friends from the minute we met. Our first assignment in the field, a Korean greengrocer stabbed her because she was guarding the back of the shop. One wound but it was enough. She died at the scene.’

Stacey reached for her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Dee.’

‘It’s okay,’ Devon said, squeezing her hand in response. ‘To start with, I had the immediacy of loss, of grief, but as time went on there was something else. I had thought that we would always roll our eyes across the desk at each other, that she would always open a bag of Haribos and put them on the crack where our desks joined. I had imagined us at each other’s weddings and suddenly I knew I had to navigate my own future without her.’

‘I get it,’ Stacey said.

‘I got there eventually but I closed down for a while. Lots of people tried to help, be my friend, but I didn’t let them in. To be honest I wasn’t all that nice,’ she said, holding Stacey tight. ‘For a while I wasn’t the person I thought I was.’

Stacey allowed the sobbing to subside and just enjoyed the safety of Devon’s embrace.

‘I love you, Dee,’ she said, simply.

‘I know you do, babe, and that’s why I’ll stand and fight.’

Stacey felt another rush of tears as her blessings all came rushing forward. She had a good family, friends, a woman who was in it for the long haul and a job she loved with a passion.

Devon’s words had passed through her mind and left a trail of comfort as though coated in soothing balm. Except for one thing. One point had pierced her brain like an arrow and wouldn’t pass through.

Devon had allowed her grief to alter the person that she thought she was.

Stacey pulled away and met her girlfriend’s gaze.

‘Dee, can you help me? There’s something I need to do.’