Mira

“This was a fantastic idea,” Ilsa laughed spinning in a great big circle. “Thank you so much.”

I waved it away. “It was nothing.” All I had done was invite her and Astra to the dance lessons Zorren was providing, remembering that Ilsa would be in the same situation as I.

Ilsa sobered. “No it isn’t, very few people would think to have included me. I am so relieved I will not shame Bran in this aspect at least.”

I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “You will do fine, Ilsa.”

“Why did you include me, my Lady?” Astra asked softly.

Groaning, I looked skyward, “Astra, please, please, please call me Mira and I thought you would enjoy it.”

She nodded enthusiastically “I did.” Engaged in animated conversation, I wasn’t looking where we were going and was knocked back a step when I collided with a solid, unmovable object.

Steadying hands found my hips. “Steady there, Hellcat.”

“Ice Lord.” The other women dropped a neat curtsey.

“Ladies, you look in fine spirits, I take it the lessons are progressing well?” he asked with an easy smile and my heart kicked hard against my ribs at the sight.

“Yes, we are having so much fun,” Ilsa spat out in a burst of nervousness. “Thank you so much for—”

Zorren waved off her comments. “Think nothing of it, Ilsa, we are family after all.”

His eyes turned on me and they warmed. “Will I see you at dinner tonight, Mira?” His thumb caressed the inside of my wrist and my eyes gravitated downward. I hadn’t even realized he still held me.

My cheeks warmed with pleasure. “Yes, I will be there.”

“Good, I will look forward to it.” He brought my hand up to his lips and captured my gaze within his blue eyes. For one moment, I swear I forgot everything else. “Please excuse me.” A smile tugged the corners of my lips as I watched him go, my eyes tracing the broad shoulders, down to narrow hips and tight buttocks that I wanted to sink my nails into—

Astra interrupted my lustful thoughts. “I’m glad you and Zorren are getting along much better.” Stopping in my tracks, the poor women almost ran into the back of me.

“We’re not.” Incredulity leaked into my voice, accompanied with the high note of panic.

“That is not what everyone else is witnessing, Mira, don’t you understand what he is doing?”

At my confused frown, Ilsa elaborated further, “He is courting you, Mira, and making sure everyone knows.”

My head began shaking vehemently. “No, no that isn’t true.” I would not accept it. Even as I tried to refute the words dread dripped down my spine. Holy Khatri, she was right, Zorren was getting back under my skin. How had this happened? When? I closed my eyes, the day of the Ursanaf was when. His tender care of me had delivered a deciding blow against my defenses. My decision to sleep with him had undermined the rest. The rest had just crept up on me so gradually I hadn’t even realized it was happening. No, it was going all wrong, I was softening.

A hand touched my shoulder. “Mira, are you all right?” Astra asked gently. “It was not my intention to upset you.”

“You haven’t,” I murmured. She shocked me by pointing out my own stupidity, panicked as I found myself in a trap of my own making. I needed to fix this; I needed to push Zorren away, but how? How? To show him I couldn’t be won over. If it was my cousin she would do something outrageous, daring and exciting. Movement drew my eyes to the window, they were exercising the wild stallion and an idea popped into my head. I bit my lip, did I dare?

Zorren’s words branded into my mind. “Keep off that horse, Mira.” The stallion tugged hard on the reins, powerful muscles playing under his sleek coat. “Astra,” I ran my tongue over the edge of my teeth. “Will you please lay out some clothes suitable for riding?”

I’m a Firelander of the royal line, I dared anything.

“Saddle the stallion,” I commanded, arriving at the stables dressed in my trews and tunic. The stable boy’s eyes almost popped out of his head. “Your highness, he is not properly broken to saddle,” he explained twisting the edge of his edge of his tunic between his fingers.

My patience and nerve were reaching their limit. “I said saddle him.”

“But, my lady—”

“Do it!” I snapped. “Or I will do it myself. Understand?” I wanted to ride hard and fast and forget—everything. The boy's face blanched white but scurried to do as bid. The stallion pawed the ground restlessly as he was led out, it was obvious they had been working with him to allow the saddle and bit. Popping a foot into the stirrup, I pulled up.

A voice had my head turning. “Havron’s teeth!” A groom was running towards me. “My lady, don’t take that horse out—”

My heels touched the stallion's flanks and we shot forward, leaving the cursing groom in the dust. I knew exactly where to go. Just outside the walls by the lake, there was a great expanse of flat land that bordered the edge of the forest. I just needed to get out of the city before I let him have his head but my fast elegant escape was fading into a distant memory. For the millionth time, the horse stuttered as someone brushed too close past him in the crowded street. He snorted and began to sidle so his backside stuck out. Gritting my teeth, I steered him straight, this was one unhappy horse. I wrapped the reins tightly round my whitened fingers and silently pleaded—just don’t buck me off. The deities heeded my prayer and we navigated the city without incident. Parkland stretched out before us and I released the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding. The thrill of rebellion was intoxicating; I let him have his head. We flew over the flat, fine puffs of snow kicked up behind us.

Faster. “They were fools not to see your worth.”

Faster, faster. “If there is a sacrifice I will make it.”

Faster, faster, faster. “Your ability to sell yourself short.”

Hooves thundered but I couldn’t outrun my thoughts, the words drilling into my brain. I leaned lower the wind tearing at my hair. A fallen tree was coming up fast and my eyes narrowed with the challenge set in my sights. My heels nudged the stallion's flanks and he gave me a new burst of speed. The trunk grew, becoming bigger and bigger as we ate up the ground. My eyes widened. No! The jump was too big. It was too late, I was committed. The stallion bunched his hindquarters preparing for the jump. My mouth opened to scream as we took off. Not a sound came out and my stomach flipped. The impact of the landing jarred me from the saddle, the unforgiving ground punched me in the lungs and I couldn’t breathe. I curled onto my side, choking for air. Galloping hooves faded into the distance. Coughing, I staggered to my knees, filled with a sinking feeling. The stallion was nowhere in sight. What was I going to do now? Thankfully, I never had to find out, another horseman was coming. It was the groom who had seen me leave.

“My lady, are you—”

I waved him off, pointing him in the direction of the fleeing horse, and said, “I’m fine, get after the stallion before we lose him.” He nodded and took off in that direction. Stretching, I braced my hands against my back and winced as my spine clicked. Apart from a slight ache in my side, I’d gotten off lightly. Huffing out a breath that misted before my eyes, I started the long walk back, every step filled with self-reproach. Zorren met me halfway with a face of thunder; his eyes were chips of ice. My mortification complete, I could feel the wave of disapproval from the group as the rest of the men followed the groom's tracks.

“Are you hurt?” His clipped tone indicating he was furious. The more agitated Zorren was the calmer he appeared on the surface.

“No,” I whispered, my eyes focused on an uninteresting snow drift.

Zorren gave a curt nod. “Climb up behind.”

I did as I was told, wrapping my arms around his waist. My teeth worried my bottom lip continuously. I’d pushed him too far. I'd pushed and pushed and pushed and now had the result I’d desired. Then why wasn’t I happy? The thrill had quickly paled. Letting my head fall forward I snuggled into Zorren’s back seeking comfort. His muscles jumped as if trying to get away from me. Tears welled in my eyes, I hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to have Zorren barely able to look at me or touch me. No matter how I wished it different, the broad expanse of muscle remained stiff and unyielding. The journey back was a miserable one and thrust one realization under my nose. I didn’t want him to stop chasing me. I didn’t want him to give up on me. The thought that he would, terrified me. The lazy echo of hooves upon stone indicated that we were entering the courtyard.

My chin trembling, I slipped out of the saddle. “Zorren, I’m sorry,” I said, my voice a wisp, I didn’t think he had heard. A large palm rested upon the crown of my bowed head, his thumb sweeping in a soothing caress over the disheveled silken locks.

“I’m relieved you are unhurt.” It gave me hope and I gazed up at him with watery eyes. “Go to your room, I need to join the men, but we will discuss this later.” Zorren’s eyes left me no doubt what he meant to ‘discuss’. I nodded my head vigorously, scurrying up the back staircase in utter disgrace.

“Mira, what were you thinking?” Astra fussed, slipping off my coat. “You could have been seriously harmed, that horse is a killer.” Numb, I nodded, not really listening. I was bathed, petted and cosseted and I deserved none of it. A hot brick at my feet, I dismissed Astra wishing to be alone with my thoughts. It might also have had something to do with the fact I didn’t want her to be here when Zorren eventually came. My back against the headboard, I curled my legs to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees, rubbing my cheeks against the soft fur. Cocooning myself in darkness, the only thing I could hear was my own steady breathing. But the stillness of the room couldn't quiet my racing thoughts and self-reproach. Why had I been so stupid? I knew better. Left to my own devices I would have admired the stallion but understood that the horse was too powerful for me to handle. The fact I could have hurt the animal through my own reckless, stubborn pride made tears prick my eyes and I clenched them shut. I must have dozed off and was jerked to awareness by the door opening. Groggy, I scrubbed a hand over my face, listening to the familiar footfalls. I couldn't lift my head and look him in the eye, afraid of the censure I would find there.

“Mira.” I flinched, though his voice was low and steady like he was speaking to a spooked animal. “Mira, look at me.” The command pulled an invisible string and I was helpless not to tilt my head up. Very little distance separated us, Zorren leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. He looked tired and there was a smear of dirt over his left eye. “You are going to tell me what is going on.” I immediately began shaking my head. I couldn’t. “Yes,” he continued firmly, “I have been very patient but you are acting out of character. I'm worried about you.”

Not a word passed my lips. Zorren laid a calming hand on my trembling shoulder. “Come on, Hellcat. Talk to me,” he coaxed. “I know something is very wrong but if I don't know what it is, I can't help.”

Swallowing a few times, I managed to clear my throat sufficiently. Wide, solemn eyes turned to him. “Nobody can help,” I croaked.

“Mira.” The single word a warning and a plea. “Please, talk to me!” He all but begged, raking a hand through his hair.

“No, nobody can help, you don't understand.” I wouldn't heed the desperation that crept into his voice. I couldn’t tell my secret.

“Mira, you could have broken your neck.”

“Good!” I shouted, kicking off the furs, the action matching my childish tone. “Then you won't be saddled with a useless mate.” I twisted onto my knees and knelt in front of him upon the bed. “I wish I had broken my neck, I wish I had died on the Wastes!” My chest heaving, Zorren stared at me in shock as I had unwittingly wandered within reach of a predator.

His hand snatched my wrist and with a firm tug, he scooped me up onto his lap. “That’s enough.” Squirming harder, his arms locked me tight against his chest; I could count every single one of his eyelashes. Zorren shook his head, seeming at a loss as to how to reach me. His face started to blur and I fought down a sniffle, guilt roiling within. I had never felt so small in my life; he humbled me with his restraint when I had exercised none.

“I'm sorry,” I offered, my gaze fixed on his chest. The words were so, so hard. “Was the stallion recovered unhurt?”

Zorren scrubbed a hand over his face. “Yes, tired but unhurt, but that doesn't matter. I can afford more horses but I cannot afford for you to be hurt.”

At a loss I didn’t know how to make this right. “I feel so guilty, Zorren. Why aren’t you angry?”

His eyes blazed white. “I’m angry which was why I went back out again after the stallion and why I didn’t dare touch you. We never get anywhere when we start shouting at each other.” His thumb ran over my cheek. “You give as good as you get.”

I blinked, struck dumb by his revelation.

“Oh.” He was learning just as I was. Zorren’s eyes took on a steely hue and his face snapped with determination. Large hands smoothed over my shoulders and settled on my waist. “Mira,” his voice dropped to a new level of sternness and it penetrated my misery. “You deliberately disobeyed me and took a valuable, half-broken animal out. You showed absolutely no regard for your own safety.” My heart fluttered madly, like a butterfly trying to escape. “I want you to put yourself over my knee. I intend to spank you long and hard for the unnecessary danger you placed yourself in. When I think you have had enough you will go over the bed and we’ll finish with a few from my belt.”

I reared back, that butterfly in my chest shriveled and died. “You’ve never used your belt before.” My fingers tangled within his tunic and I fixed my gaze upon the strong pulse visible on his throat.

“You’ve never risked your life out of spite before, this is a lesson I intend for you to remember.”

Zorren’s finger curled under my chin and lifted my gaze. “It will be hard for both of us, but I promise you it will not be beyond what you can bear.”

I stood and offered in a very small voice, “I said I was sorry.” Knowing that it wouldn’t appease him and I didn’t want it to, not really.

An eyebrow quirked at me. “Do you think you deserve it?”

I started to shift from foot to foot. There was no grey in this situation, no excuse. I’d been reckless and wrong, it was that simple. “Yes.”

“Then let's get this over with.” I nodded self-consciously, allowing Zorren to guide my hips over his strong left thigh. He grasped the edge of my night rail and, despite everything, an excitement fizzled in my blood. Fabric pooled in the hollow of my back and every muscle clenched tight as I held my breath. Zorren rubbed comforting circles on the small of my back. “Good girl,” he praised. The heat of his skin upon mine held a comfort I thought never to feel again. It gave me the strength to submit when I knew I was wrong. It was something I wasn't used to doing. At length, I relaxed and released the breath I’d been holding.

It was the signal that Zorren had been waiting for as he popped me hard on the right buttock. I sucked in a breath, but I held still keeping my composure. It wasn’t like that for long. My fingers curled into hooks and sank into his calf. Slow and methodical, he alternated between left and right working from the crown of one globe to the delicate flesh where buttock met thigh, not a patch of skin was spared. I squeaked with each hard, measured swat, my toasted rear weaving in a vain attempt to avoid Zorren’s hand. Raising his leg higher I tipped forward, my tender sit spot perfectly accessible. Unerringly, his hand found its mark, the room filling with my yelps and the clap of flesh upon flesh. The heat sank deeper and deeper into my flesh until I was sure it glowed with the fury of a furnace. Tears squeezed out and it was the signal that Zorren had been waiting for. Stopping, he placed me back on my feet.

“Almost done, Hellcat.”

My hands instantly flew back to cup my bottom. It was hot to the touch and though it pained me, I rubbed vigorously to try to relieve the sting. His head jerked towards the bed. “Bend over.”

Apprehension curled within my belly as his hands began undoing the buckle of his belt. Almost done, I whispered to myself knowing he wouldn’t truly hurt me. Sniffing, I shuffled to the foot of the bed and lowered my chest. Burying my face in the soft bedding, my bottom jutted out and throbbing. I could do this. My shift was once again raised.

Trying and failing to block out the soft slither of leather, I peeked over my shoulder, watching with morbid fascination as Zorren looped the belt and made the two halves crack together. Jumping in place, every muscle locked tight, bunching into knots.

“Spread your legs, Mira, it will stop you from clenching,” he offered.

A small part of my spirit flared. “You must be joking,” I challenged, only to yelp when his hand cracked against my backside.

“Do it now,” He said tersely. I shifted my feet, only for him to tap the inside of my thigh. “Wider.”

Hating the vulnerability coursing through me I did so, the cool air of the room teasing my core. Embarrassment heated my face until I swear my cheeks matched the color of my bottom.

“Are you ever going to purposely put your life in danger?” he asked placing his hand on the small of my back.

“No.” My toes tapped anxiously against the floor waiting. The air whispered and the leather wrapped around both cheeks. The line of fire had me shrieking and scrambling to stand. Only Zorren’s hand on my back kept me pinned in place. It hurt far worse than his hand and my good intentions flew out the window, quick on its heels was my dignity as my legs kicked out frantically. My already sensitized flesh absorbed stripe after searing stripe. The sharpness cut through my emotions and my body, at last, went limp in surrender. Great gasping sobs ripped from my chest as I lay broken, compliant and cleansed. He stripped away my pride. He stripped away my wrath. The chastisement of my body relieved the pain lodged in my heart. Zorren righted me, allowing me to cling to his neck. Once hard hands softened and offered comfort.

“It’s all over, Mira, you did so well.” I buried my face into the warm hollow of his strong neck, molding my body to the contours of his. I let him see me.

All of me.

Broken. Flawed. Incomplete.

Zorren saw it all. The intimacy of the moment sent my crumbling facade crashing to the floor. Firm lips grazed my forehead. “All is forgiven, Mira.” His arms tightened around me, afraid I would be spirited away. “You’re safe and unharmed, that is all that matters.” He settled with his back against the headboard.

“No, I’m not.” My barely audible words boomed in my own ears. The limitless supply of tears clogged my throat. “My time in the Wastes altered me permanently.” I lifted my head to watch his face. “When the fever raged, how much did I scream?” The shadow of anguish that crossed over his face spoke volumes; to haunt this strong man, still, it must have been horrifying. “The cold stripped me of my element,” I choked out, my throat closing up.

His arms tensed. “What?”

“I gave too much fire to keep myself alive,” I sobbed. “It’s gone. It is gone forever and it is all my fault!” Nearing the edge of hysteria my hands fisted within his tunic, eyelashes spiked with tears. In a disembodied voice, I said, “It hurts so much, Zorren. I reach for it and there is nothing there. There is an empty hole inside of me that will never heal.” I tried to make him understand. “I’m worthless. I’m without power, without a land and without a people. I am Dimorta—the soulless one.” Trembling, I revealed my ultimate shame, “My people will never accept me now.”

“Sweetheart,” he began, I saw his own eyes glaze with tears, “if I could undo the wrongs I have done you, I would.” His hands captured my face, speaking to me reverently as he kissed my eyelids and cheeks. “I would bear your pain but you are not worthless. You will never be worthless. You are so much more than just your element, Mira.” I cried until I thought I had no tears left and then managed to cry some more. I was inconsolable, as I faced the harsh reality that this would be how I would remain till the end of my days. Each tear was wrung from me until I had nothing left inside. During all that time Zorren held me, comforting me with soft words until the storm I’d carried for so long burned itself out. The pad of his thumb swiped away an escaped tear. “What am I going to do with you, eh?” he murmured into my hair as I hiccupped and sniffled. Zorren’s large hand stroked my back and I absorbed the soothing contact. “Tell me why you did it, Mira? Why did you take the horse?”

Sucking in a momentous breath I allowed the words to now spill forth with ease. “I don't know, it was so foolish.” Rubbing my cheek against his chest, I continued, “I thought to do something outrageous; I’m tired of always doing the proper thing.”

I could feel Zorren smile into my hair while continuing to stroke my back. “That rebellious streak you warned me about and how did that turn out?”

“I'm so angry with myself,” I admitted, hands fisting tight at my sides. “I knew better and all I did was show myself to be foolish and immature. Why do you put up with me?”

He looked at me thoughtfully. “I've seen warriors who were wound up too tight from being constantly vigilant, and eventually, they just snap.”

“You think that’s what happened with me?”

His hand began to massage the nape of my neck and I pushed into the touch like an over-eager house cat. “Yes, I’ve seen the strain in your eyes, as if you were holding something momentous in check.”

“I'm just not cut out being rebellious; I'll leave it to my cousin.” We sat like that for a long time and I nibbled my bottom lip, there was something else I had to tell him. “I- I think I was trying to push you away as well.” I exhaled in a rush, the stroking stilled with that particular piece of information and I held my breath.

His hand began to move again. “Oh, Hellcat, if you think that was going to push me away you're sorely mistaken.”

Shifting on his lap, I winced and agreed, “Yes, I certainly am.” His lips twitched. Sucking in a breath, I screwed up my courage and threaded my hand through his. Zorren looked down in surprise a question in his eyes before returning a gentle pressure, letting me know he was there.